Somewhere in our lives we’ve all struggled with the “No Contact Policy”– that sickeningly painful period of forcing someone out of your life because you know it’s right, even though it’s not easy for you.
May be because you’ve ended a wrong relationship but are still weighed down by guilt and sympathy.
May be because someone has ended a relationship with you and hence you know you have to move away from them.
The first step of moving away from someone is the “No Contact Policy”, i.e. to cut off contacts. Completely. Utterly. And permanently. No, remaining friends is never an option if you want a healthy end.
Two factors present major challenges to this – your own lingering feelings and their refusal to stop being in touch.
I thought I’d explore this often overlooked but depressingly common relationship phase in today’s post.
No Contact Policy – Rule #1. Explain. Once.
Don’t abruptly stop taking their calls. That’s unfair to them and difficult for you, as they might keep trying to make contact without realizing why you’re not reciprocating.
Clearly communicate your decision to follow the No Contact Policy. Preferably write an email (Written communication gives you the opportunity to present your thoughts precisely, effectively, and most importantly – without interruption. :D). Don’t forget to emphasize that it lies in their best interests to stop trying to make contact and to forget you. That’ll make it a tiny bit easier for them.
Photo by Envious Photography [OHH SNAP!]No Contact Policy – Rule #2. Avoid temptations
If and when they call you don’t keep looking straight down at their name on the screen. Leave the phone ringing in your room and step out. Use at auto delete and forward filter on their email address. It would forward any emails they send you to a trusted alternative email address and delete it from your inbox. This way you can avoid being tormented by their melancholic (or worse – hateful/emotionally blackmailing) messages. However it’s important that any important information contained in these messages reaches you (like suicide threats, or threats to harm you). Hence it’s important it gets forwarded to someone who can give you any necessary information.
Needless to add, the person you forward these mails to has to be one of your top two trusted people in this world – your best friend/sibling, for example.
No Contact Policy – Rule #3. The 5 Minute Strategy
Whenever you get those urges of calling them, tell yourself, “I’ll reconsider whether to call them or not after 5 minutes.” Just 5 minutes. That’s it.
Most people would forget about calling anyone by the end of 5 minutes. What if you haven’t? Look at the clock, and tell yourself again, “I’ll think about that call after 5 more minutes.”
You get the idea.
You can continue to postpone the action in 5 minute chunks till the time you forget about it or your urge dies down. The 5 minute strategy can be extremely effective not only in staying true to the No Contact policy, but also to overcome temptations of any kind.
No Contact Policy – Rule #4. The Replacement Strategy
Resisting your urges of engaging in a particular activity (contacting them, in this case) is basically about replacing that activity with something else.
Photo by a_DaydreamerWhen you have the urge to call them, tell yourself, “At the moment I’m free to do anything I like apart from calling them. I reward myself for not calling them with 10 minutes of Facebooking, watching YouTube, playing games or listening to my favourite music.”
Don’t be too hard on yourself at these moments of weakness – there’s no need to replace the activity of calling them with something productive. It’s important to replace it with something fun. Don’t “punish” yourself with work/studies (anything you don’t actively enjoy doing) for successfully resisting your unwanted urges. “Wasting” a few minutes of your time won’t kill you. Instead reward yourself with activities you just love.
No Contact Policy – Rule #5. Write an email
But even in spite of all your best efforts you might have those moments of irresistible longing when you feel your life depends on making contact with them. At those moments, you can write them an email.
Pour your heart out. Write down everything you want to tell them. All your accusations, blames, hatred … or may be not – may be longing, wistfulness and attraction – pour it all out in that white electronic space.
But you’re still following the No Contact Policy, remember? So just one word of caution – don’t hit the Send button. :D
Have you ever been in a situation where you desperately wanted to avoid someone but still felt attracted to them? What was your strategy for following through the No Contact Policy? Share with us in the comments. :)
Very Good article i wish I could follow them strictly, although its now 2 months after breaking up of 8 years long relationship from their side just few days before marriage date of us.
Still can’t able to know how it is so much easy for few ppl to break the heart of anyone.
I’m really sorry Abhishek. An 8 year long relationship is not a joke. It IS a loss. We have no way to wish it away. To check these for support:
http://www.loveinindia.co.in/how-to-forget-someone/
http://www.loveinindia.co.in/devastating-break-up/
There’s no shortcut to redemption. It WILL take time. You have to wait before your heart is healed, and remember the lessons learnt.
All the best.
I was with some1 for 4 years, then relationship was on-off for about 15 more months…d more time v spend with some1, d harder it is 2 get them off our minds… i tried my level best, but it was d same person all d time day in & day out…
1) I tried everything, getting myself busy, new place, new college, new friends etc…but d relation was way too intense & deep…
what v can conclude is d age old saying dat “things take time” is true…with d passage of time d pain starts to fade away, it becomes less… but even now i get fits of anger & depression thinking about d betrayal, it can b multiple times in a week…
2) “NOT CONTACTING”… i used 2 get help when i used 2 recall how i was treated, cheated, how that person would respond to my calls etc… Knowing dat d person is avoiding calls (even d numerous calls dat have been made in a single day go unanswered)
3) visualizing d faces dat d person would make when my number will flash on d phone screen(may be it is now a real pain to even see my number flash on d phone screen) i had seen that reaction for the others, when v were together…
i believe for d no contact policy it really helps to recall all d negatives of d person, how the person would ill treat others in front of us when v were together, & how v r on d receiving end of d humiliation… Like any other individual with a lot of self respect, just avoid to avoid further humiliation…
Your experience and lessons were eye-openers Swapnil. My heartfelt thanks for sharing it with all of us, even though it’s so personal and it hurts so much (I know).
“d more time v spend with some1, d harder it is 2 get them off our minds” – that’s the basic truth here.
Yeah negative visualizations can be of practical help. Most of us have actually had to do it in order to get rid of our own wrongly-placed feelings.
Thanks again dear. :)
1. Unfriend from Facebook.
2. Delete the mobile number, but save the land line number, so her mom, dad, sister or any one may pickup, this puts me to think thrice before calling.
Excellent advice Krace … especially the land line bit was quite interesting – leaves the avenue open for calling if some real emergency arises, but makes calling in general difficult.
This is really great & nice post to learn something unique about Contact Policy. Thanks Admin.
You unwavering support keeps me going dear. :)
Nice article , can’t say all that is mentioned will always work.
The 5 min rule is really great and really woks in many cases. :)
Thanks for commenting Sahil. :)
Hello mam.. going through your blog …its awesome ..just remembered sumthing of my past in this article .. so posting u a poem in bengali written by someone ……
PREM
Kothay pabo toke ..vireri arale
kothay khuji toke ..nijei harale
abar dekhi fire..kar pichu dake
sohortoli ake akasher dhale”
Bondhu kothay chole geli emon ekla kore??
keno chole geli?? keno emon korli??
tor jonno to chiloi tola mor mon
jemonti mor ekla ghore tor porichoy ajibon..
Prem , tui amar sudhu bondhu hote partis..
prem’r aborone achis tobu ‘bondhu’ toke khub miss kori..
ajo kori……………..
It’s beautiful Ananya. It’s something any young person would be able to identify with. Really, really thank you for sharing this. Can we post this in our Dedications page? http://www.loveinindia.co.in/dedications/
Its a very good article.. I never tried anything out of these but I guess today I got answer of many questions. I always use to thought y she did like this ..how she suddenly forgets me.. she left the my call answered.. I feel betrayed still….its a good in one end.
But don’t u think its give negative thoughts to other person .. who is trying to contact and u r not replying … he should have right to know what happened ….
Mention it that cut the contact buy after telling them the whole story in the starting whatever it is the reason .. because at least u loved that person once !”!!”!!!”