Relationship – Page 6 – Love in India

Valentine’s Day Card Workshop 4 – Wanna Hide You in My Heart

As promised, here’s #4 in Love in India special series of DIY Valentine’s Day Cards, each of which take less than 10 minutes to make.

Things you’ll need:

1. Plain paper

2. Scissors.

3. A pencil.

4. Glue

5. Coloured pens (Optional, for decoration)

Valentine’s Day card 4 step 1: Take two identical square pieces of paper.

Valentine’s Day card 4 step 2: Keep one aside. Fold the other one into half, like this:

Valentine’s Day card 4 step 3: Fold it twice such that eventually there are three creases across its length and breadth, intersecting at a common point at the centre.

Valentine’s Day card 4 step 4: Join the mid-points of the four sides to draw a square, touching each side of the paper at the mid-point.

Valentines Day Card 4 step 5: Fold it along the diagonal, and draw half a heart on one of the sides, using the inner square as a reference.

Valentines Day Card 4 step 6: We are going to draw many “parallel” hearts inside this outer heart. Let us start by marking the starting and ending points of each heart on the spine of the outermost heart. Make the equidistant from each other, leaving out space for the innermost heart in the centre.

Valentines Day Card 4 step 7: Draw the hearts, one inside the other, as identical as possible.

Valentines Day Card 4 step 8: Now the trickiest part. Each heart has to be cut out from the head and left joined with the others at the tail, or vice versa. Each heart has to be cut in alternate directions – one from head to tail, the next from tail to head. Like this.

For your convenience, I have marked out the alternate directions of cutting on the first two hearts (don’t repeat this unless you want to leave out awkward red arrows on your special valentine’s day card!). Note that each red line as an ending point marked with a prominent red dot.

Each heart is to be cut only till its respective ending point, to leave it joined with the rest of the paper. This will create the layered effect you can see in the final version.

Like the layers? :)

Valentines Day Card 4 step 9: Now stick the square piece of paper with the layers at the centre on to the other identical square you’d kept aside.

…Such that your message can’t be read without opening the layers…

Experiment with the graphics. :)

Valentine’s Day Card Workshop 3 – The Maze of My Love

Here are we with the 3rd in the series of Valentine’s Day Card Workshops. Today’s folds of love are called The Maze of My Love and here’s what they look like.

Read on if you want to convey your love to your sweetheart through this sweet maze of your feelings.

Things you’ll need:

1. Plain paper

2. Scissors.

3. A pencil.

4. Coloured pens (Optional, for decoration)

Valentine’s Day card 3 step 1: Cut a strip of plain white paper and crease it in a series of folds, like this.

Valentine’s Day card 3 step 2: Fold it up and draw a heart shape on one of the top faces, which you’re going to cut out.

Valentine’s Day card 3 step 3: Cut out the whole strip in the shape of a heart. Make sure the edges (where each plane of paper is joined with others in the strip) are intact.

Valentines Day Card 2 step 4: Smooth out the oblong edges to give the hearts a full, rounded look.

Now you have the base for the maze of your love.

Valentines Day Card 3 step 5: Colour it as you like. I’ve simply chosen two colours for the two sides. You can also choose a different colour for each heart-shaped petal.

Valentines Day Card 3 step 6: Choose your favourite quotes. Or just make them up. Write a different quote/message in each petal.

Fold it up neatly. And you have the “Maze of your love” ready for surprising someone!

Do let me know what you think of this one by leaving a comment. :)

Top 15 Unique Valentine’s Day Ideas

I’m giving Saucy Saturday a miss this Saturday because you seem to be more in need of romance than sauce this season.

Some time back I’d written about some unique and creative anniversary ideas. While some of them are quite specific to anniversary celebrations, many of them can be used in any special occasion for a couple. Here are some unique Valentine’s Day ideas for celebrating this special day with your special someone.

Teach her the “Love Alphabet” through a letter. For each letter of the alphabet, pin down an item which is associated to the two of you and your relationship/marriage. For example, A for Azure – the restaurant we visit most frequently, B for Boston – where we first met, C for Calvin – our dog, etc.
With a little bit of effort you can convert your Alphabet of Love into a photo book – with a different page for each letter and an image representing the associated object.
Get more creative. Convert each photo+item page into a flashcard. Put them in a nice box, decorate with roses and your favourite Valentine’s Day card.
Valentine’s Day is about flowers and Valentine’s Day is about chocolates. How about combining the two in the form of a carefully crafted chocolate bouquet, like this one?
Photo by josanne70

… If you’re running short on time, try a simpler one instead:

Photo by litree

Redo your first date. Visit the same places, eat the same stuff and do the same things. Ours involved a dinner and hopping from sea face to sea face all around the city till 3 in the morning! Isn’t it superbly exciting to relive those crazy moments?
You get custom couple key chains which you can order in pairs. Go nuts with the design – you can choose everything from your names to your thumb impressions as the key chain dangler.
Make a scrapbook/photobook/love letter out of all of those tiny romantic thoughts you had about each other at the crush stage, but couldn’t tell each other. Like, “I suddenly started tweeting Lady Gaga lyrics all over just to get your attention, ’cause I knew you liked it.”
Do you know paper napkins can be folded into cute little envelopes? Make some of these, glue them onto a large piece of art paper, and put the notes you made in the previous steps into these. He/she will just love the cute crafty bit of romance.

Photo by glitterandgrunge.com

Put your notes in the little envelopes but don’t stick them on to a piece of paper. Create a “Goody basket” with chocolates, framed photos, flowers and those little envelopes with your love inside them. If you have any special gift for her you can hide it in here too.
Write “I love you” in different languages and fonts and present to her in the form of a love letter. You can also choose from steps #7 – #9 & repeat with these “I love you” messages.
Write a “50 unique things about you which make me fall in love everyday” letter to her. You can also choose from steps #7 – #9 & repeat with these “unique things about you” messages/notes.
Do you know “cafuné” in Brazilian Portuguese means “The act of tenderly running your fingers through someone’s hair”? There are many such awesomely romantic words and phrases in other languages which have no English equivalent. Use these creatively in a love letter describing your special feelings for her, or use these as messages/notes in #7 – #9.
Give her a calendar/photo book with her name written in custom themes in all pages.
I discovered a great website for creating your custom love poem. You can customize it with her name and favourite gifts and then download it in the shape of a heart like I did. All of this for free!

If you liked these you can check out the complete list of 50 Original & Unique Anniversary Ideas for Sweeping Your Spouse Completely Off Their Feet, most of which, while meant for wedding anniversary surprises, can be perfect for Valentine’s Day celebrations too.

“Valentine’s Day is The Day of Being Fooled, Cheated & Robbed,” My Interview With Love in India Fan

Valentine’s Day is in the air. But the chocolaty aroma is not free of the acidic fumes of over-commercialization and over-westernization – according to some. What does the Indian youth really think of Valentine’s Day? To find out, I got chatting with a few young fans of Love in India. Today is the first in this interview series, My Valentine’s Day.

Rahul (that’s not his real name folks) is a fine young man, in the process of earning his MBA somewhere in Mumbai, after dutifully completing his graduation in Chemical Engineering, in 2011. He’s a gourmet, movie-buff, Facebook-ist (I invented that word when I came to know Rahul) and travel-junkie. “Spending all my life amidst the din and bustle of Mumbai makes me irresistibly attracted to the tranquillity of places like Haridwar, Hrishikesh etc.”, he says, “You should try it.”

So Rahul, what are your thoughts on Valentine’s Day?

Photo by Andovercookiemama

To me, it’s a great opportunity to get fooled, cheated and robbed.

Many hearts are broken, many suicides occur around this time. And of course – getting a lot of your money nicked by clever corporations is also a part of the whole game. Prices of gift items double around this time. So it’s basically an occasion for well-meaning boys trying to impress their girls, to cough up a lot of money, saved over weeks, or even months. Nowadays you’ve got restaurants, resorts and spas luring you with special offers (some call them “discounts”, I wonder why) around Valentine’s Day. All for the gullible trying to win over the loyalty of their partners by spending money.

The market has managed to name a price on everything – pleasure, companionship, togetherness.

Maybe even love.

Oh … well… quite a strong position there…What would you say about Valentine’s Day having so-called ‘evil influences’ on today’s Indian youth – as claimed (and unfortunately acted upon) by some political parties?

14th Feb. is the second most popular day of the year for rapes, sexual crimes, and substance abuse – after Dec. 31.

If I remember correctly, statistics say that after 31^st Dec., 14^th Feb. is the date on which maximum rapes & related sexual crimes take place. Many an unwanted pregnancy, many a violent crime are recorded around Valentine’s Day all around the world. Even sales of drugs & alcohol peak in this period.

You’ve got this designated day when couples want to look good/hot/cool. I remember from my school days, girls wearing short skirts displaying their waxed legs as 14^th Feb. grew close…That week used to be full of eve-teasing and fighting among the boys. Sometimes these tiffs – started off around Valentine’s Day – would linger on for a long time, even years. And I’m not joking. Teenagers, as you know, are the most enthusiastic about Valentine’s Day. Sometimes they tend to get a bit too carried away by the adrenalin. So you go to pubs, get drunk, dance and willingly or unwillingly get exploited. Young people often don’t fully realize the implications of their actions. That’s the problem. If they can be educated to celebrate this day while also taking full responsibility for themselves, then may be that’s a solution. Otherwise, the negative implications which have been highlighted can’t be wished away at all.

That’s interesting, coming from a youngster like you. I’m curious to know your own experience of Valentine’s Day… What was your experience of it as a child?

In my convent Valentine’s Day was “That day when the Christian girls wear very short skirts, roam around with their boyfriends and get naughty.”

I have studied in a convent. So I was aware of the existence of something called Valentine’s Day from as early as the beginning of secondary school, even though it wasn’t so widespread in India at the time.

I was your classic nerd – in love with nothing but my studies. In my school Valentine’s Day celebrations were limited mainly to Christian boys and girls. So the way I saw it was, “That day when the Christian girls wear very short skirts, roam around with their boyfriends and get naughty.” I was in 8th standard or so by the time it started to gain widespread popularity as a day for general celebration of romantic love. But then by that time I had also realized that girls would hardly be interested in me. Walking up to the canteen with a boy who walks with a limp in his left leg was not something you would want to be seen doing.

So you’ve never actually celebrated Valentine’s Day?

Oh yes I have! I had a girlfriend, you see. I did celebrate Valentine’s Day in my 2^nd, 3^rd, 4^th year of engineering.

Ah…college romance. What was your first Valentine’s Day like?

It was in 2nd year of engineering 14 Feb 2009. My then girlfriend (or so I thought) had just said “yes” to me after we went out for two movies (I still remember – these were Ghajini & Rab ne Bana di Jodi) on two consecutive days after the start of the 4th semester of engineering.

I was on top of the world, because now I was the most hated guy in my batch. Yes you’ve guessed it right – she was one of the hottest girls of my class. Obviously no one felt I was up to her standards because I was disabled. So I wanted to make extra efforts & prove it to her & the whole college that I’m the coolest dude around and that I deserved her.

I have wandered tirelessly around the gullies of Durgapur, day after day, looking for her special Valentine’s Day gift.

So, coming back to the V-Day story – I got an expensive soft toy, a T shirt, chocolates & a dress for her. All giftwrapped. She came to college at 8 in the morning. We had breakfast & tea. We bunked college (of course!) went for a movie at the most famous multiplex of Durgapur (did I tell you I went to college in Durgapur?), followed by lunch at a good restaurant. Time slipped away as we talked about nothing till we were hungry again. Then we went to Café Coffee Day…then just when she was about to leave, I gave her all the gifts.

But I haven’t yet told you about the most special gift yet, which I gave her right at the end. I had wandered tirelessly for a week around the gullies of Durgapur, searching for it.

It was a nose ring.

It was the cheapest of all the gifts, but it was my deep desire to see her wear it, as I felt it will make her look really sexy. I had been visualizing her, fantasizing her wearing a nose ring of my choice.

That was special you know – a gift of my choice.

Frankly that was the only real Valentine’s Day gift from me to her. Other expensive gifts I gave her were meant only for making her feel good and a cut above all the other girls of my college. It was also to give her something to brag about, that would make up for my disability.

Have you ever tried a funny Valentine’s Day surprise?

She loved water.

Somehow the health benefits of drinking a lot of water had gotten to her head. She could drink water at any time and wouldn’t stop talking about how important it is for our body.

On our 2nd Valentine’s day, in addition to a “real” gift, I got her something special. A carefully & artistically packed gift – packed in multiple layers of wrapping paper which took her more than 3-4 minutes to open.

After opening it she found a bottle of mineral water from Bisleri.

After this whenever she’d get upset I’d get her a nicely packed Bisleri. I even got it for her birthday (apart from a regular gift, of course. ;) )

Have you ever received a Valentine’s Day gift? What was it like?

Yes yes I did receive my share of chocolates, t-shirts and college bags. ;)

But the best gift of all was when I asked her to dress up like a bride & get a photograph clicked & she got me a snap of her. I had kept it with me for a long…long time.

I could have kept it with me forever, but I didn’t.

It hurts.

Valentine’s Day Card Workshop 2 – You Are Stuck in My Heart

So after Valentine’s Day Card Workshop 1 – You Make My Heart Alive, today is your second class in our V-Day cards series.
Today’s card is inspired by one of my favourite songs – You Are Stuck in My Heart by C21. Here’s what it looks like:

Do you want a special original card like that for your special someone this 14th Feb? If yes, read on.

Things you’ll need:

1. Medium sized post-its/heart-shaped post-its if available.

2. Scissors.

3. A pencil.

4. Ruler

5. Coloured pens (Optional, for decoration)

Valentine’s Day card 2 step 1

You need to create 2 heart shapes such that one fits inside the other. You can either start from 2 heart shaped post-its…

…or broad post-its from which you can create the heart shapes on your own.

Valentine’s Day card 2 step 2

Fold the post-it in half so that the two edges coincide perfectly. Press well.

Valentine’s Day card 2 step 3

Carefully draw a half-heart on any one side of this folded piece of paper.

Cut along the drawn lines to create a perfect, symmetrical heart shape.

Now the important part.

Valentines Day Card 2 step 4

Fold the heart in half and make two marks on its spine at a specific distance from each other. I’ve chosen 3.5 cm here.

Valentines Day Card 2 step 5

Fold the heart and cut out a very thin slit on its spine.

Valentines Day Card 2 step 6

Choose another heart-shaped post-it (or make it following the first few steps).

Valentines Day Card 2 step 7

Measure out the same distance (3.5 cm) from the top of the spine of the second heart.

Valentines Day Card 2 step 8

Your objective is to cut out a smaller heart from this second heart, with spine measuring exactly the same as what you measured out on the spine of the first heart (so that the two fit together perfectly).

Valentines Day Card 2 step 9

Now the tricky part. Slide the smaller heart through the slit on the spine of the bigger one. Be careful not to tear any of them!

Valentines Day Card 2 step 10

Here, you have your “You are Stuck in My Heart”. Now try around variations like actually attaching the sticky sides of the post-its, to give a more “stuck” effect :) …

…Or pour out your heart with messages…

You know your special someone will never forget it. :)

Valentine’s Day Card Workshop 1 – You Make My Heart Alive

Valentine’s Day is just about a week away and I know you’re looking for some truly novel, truly great ideas to wow your special someone this 14th Feb.

Roses and chocolate are ok, but I’m sure you’d want to give your special someone something more this 14th Feb – something that will truly touch their heart. When it comes to gifting, no amount of money can replace the time, effort and thoughts you put into it. To help you create the most romantic surprise for him/her this Valentine’s Day, I’m starting today with a series of workshops for making entirely original and creative Valentines Day Cards.

The best thing about these is they all take less than 10 minutes to make, and you don’t need to be a pro (if you know anything about me, you know that I’m not a pro). What’s more – they can be made from absolutely everyday stationary and I promise that the tools needed will never go beyond a pair of scissors, glue and maybe an occasional ruler (I don’t have any other tools than these myself).

So let’s get started with the first.

Today’s card is called “You make my heart alive”, and here’s what it looks like:

Things you’ll need:

1. White paper, a bit hard – you can get blank card material paper at any stationery shop.

2. Post-its. The 2.5 cm by 7.5 cm strips variety.

3. Scissors.

4. Glue

5. A pencil.

6. Coloured pens (Optional, for decoration)

Valentine’s Day card 1 step 1: Choose your favourite set of coloured post-its.

Valentine’s Day card 1 step 2: Take one post-it of each colour and hold them aligned.

Valentine’s Day card 1 step 3: Fold them twice on to each other to make two equidistant creases.

Valentine’s Day card 1 step 4: Fold the folds on to each other so that each little square(ish) plane of paper coincides.

Valentine’s Day card 1 step 5: Cut them up carefully to have 9 equal-sized square pieces of coloured paper.

Valentine’s Day card 1 step 6: You’ll eventually cut these 9 squares into 9 heart-shapes of different colours. Draw a symmetrical heart-shape carefully with a pencil on one of them.

Valentine’s Day card 1 step 7: Align all the pieces, with the one with the heart on top.

Valentine’s Day card 1 step 8: Fold the entire set in half, from the middle.

Valentine’s Day card 1 step 9: Cut them up carefully in the shape of the heart you drew. You need to be careful to cut 9X2=18 layers of hard post-it into symmetrical pieces.

Valentine’s Day card 1 step 10: Here. You have 9 (almost) identical colourful hearts.Now stick them on in a random fashion to a piece of white art paper to create the perfect romantic hand-made card for your Valentine this 14th Feb. :)

Here’s just an example. Don’t forget to go crazy with the message!

Want more card options? Try Valentine’s Day Card 2 – You Are Stuck in My Heart.

“Does He Love Me???” How to Stop “Needing” the Wrong Guy

Note to all the sweet guys out there: Today’s post is a pure girly chat. It’s about how we think. It’s about our fears, weaknesses and wrong notions which sometimes make us wonder, “Does he love me?” (In other words, make us pick the wrong ones among you. Sometimes.)

So for those of you who’re looking for some show-me-the-money hands on relationship advice for yourself, you can skip this one and go straight to How to propose your girl, How to impress your girlfriend, What gifts to buy your girlfriend on her birthday and if you’re married – All the anniversary ideas you’ll ever need in your life.

For the rest of us, on with it…

Scene 1:

You: He’s not picking my calls. He didn’t even call me on Valentine’s day. Does he love me at all???

That’s it. I’ve had it. I’m going to break up with him. I’m not going to call him or return his calls anymore. And I’m not going to meet him. Ever.

Photo by uıɐɾ ʞ ʇɐɯɐs

Scene 2:

He calls you.

You let it ring.

He messages you.

You don’t want to do anything over the top. So instead of remaining silent you send in a matter-of-fact reply.

He calls again.

You let the phone ring and leave your room ’cause it’s a little difficult for you not to pick up the phone when he is calling you again and again. But your heart starts nudging you, “Does he really love me? If not, why is he wasting so much of efforts to contact me?”
He calls again the next day.

And again your stupid heart goes, “May be he does love me. May be I’m being too harsh on him.”

In the meantime he calls again.

Too much for you.

He: Hi honey…so sorry I couldn’t call you for the last one week…I was a little busy you see…actually I was out of station…oh didn’t I tell you? So sorry darling…What do you mean I wasn’t replying to your messages? I never received any! To hell with these network operators…Oh you called me? Really? About twenty times? My God! I had no idea…May be I was in the restroom when you called…Yes you’re right…I should’ve seen the missed calls…but I somehow didn’t notice…believe me darling…What?? You even started asking yourself, “Does he love me at all??” … Oh come on! What do you mean I don’t really love you? Is that possible? Ever?…And no. I wasn’t trying to avoid you or anything…how can I? I so enjoy sleeping with you….I mean being with you…I really love you honey…you’re my everything…You can’t imagine how eager I was to meet you and talk to you…it’s just that this stupid deadline…anyway… why don’t we meet up tonight? Oh come on…you’re not telling me that you’re too busy to meet me. I know you love me. I know you can’t hurt me like that, can you? You’re the sweetest person I’ve ever met…why play these little games? You know we’re made for each other and are going to be together forever…Silent? I take it as a yes. 8’o’ clock then?…

So you meet up. And you spend the night with him.

Then you call him next day just to tell him how happy you are just to be with him.

But of course you can’t reach him at the time. So you call again later. And again. And again. Then you say to yourself, “ That’s it. I’ve had it. I’m going to break up with him. I’m not going to call him or return his calls anymore.…”

You keep going through the same cycle of events again and again. A million times. Every cycle ends with you eventually giving in.

You can’t say ‘no’ to him.

Even though you know he didn’t return your calls because he wasn’t feeling like wasting time on you at the time. Even though you know he didn’t call you for one full week because he was busy flirting with other (newer) girls at the time. Even though deep down you know you’re less important to him than his dog, you ask yourself (again), “Does he love me?” and then con yourself into answering that as a “Yes”.

’Cause you love him.

Or so you think.
Well, let me give you the good news first – you don’t.

But as a matter of duty I have to give you the bad news also – you need him.

Aren’t they the same thing?

Well not really. True love doesn’t mean being completely dependent on someone emotionally. Since you are, it can mean one or more of the following things:

You feel lonely.

You don’t have any real friends.

You live away from the people close to you and feel lost.

Everyone’s got a boyfriend and so you need one.

(If you’re Indian) You’ve been in physical relation with him, so you’re afraid to call it quits.

…

Rings a bell? It should. ‘Cause it’s you I’m talking about.
Things only have the meaning that we give them. If you think you’re not strong because you’re alone (or ‘because of’ any other reason), you’ll remain weak. If you think your inner strength is not a function of your external realities, you’ll remain strong.

Photo by susan_mck

Things also assume the importance you give them. If you think you’re weak and you need a guy in your life to feel strong, you’ll remain weak and keep on being used by the wrong people. Again if you think your strength is not a function of having someone in your life, you’ll be amazed to find yourself feeling strong all the time. I’m not lying. You can check it out for yourself if you can really make your internal state independent of the (unimportant) people in your life.

Change your internal dialogue from, “I’m strong because I have him in my life” to “I’m strong because I’m me.” If you’re really courageous you might even say, “I’m strong and calm because I’ve decided to be strong and calm.” Only when you’ve cultivated the inner strength and calm, you’ll stop needing the “someone-something-whatever” people in your life. Only then you’ll be ready for real love.

Try that for the next one week and check out the results for yourself. Believe me, once you’ve found strength and calm inside yourself you won’t let go of it ever!

The Single’s Guide to Valentine’s Day in India

Here’s an excerpt from a blog post Amrita had written on her last year as a single maiden.

“OMG is it that dreaded day of the year already? Dammit I’ve missed the deadline this year too. Of getting a boyfriend, that is. As if treading on a surprise bouquet of roses meant for my roommate followed by discovering another one on the desk of my evil colleague weren’t enough to make me drown in chocolate (on Valentine’s Day discount already), all my friends on Facebook and Twitter have decided to remind me of all the cheesy romanticism in their lives, especially my best friend’s damn blog www.loveinindia.co.in and her damn romance-oozing Facebook page www.facebook.com/letstalkrelationships.”

Photo by Mat_the_W

Oh wait. We weren’t around at the time. So why did she say anything about us? The world is a bit confusing sometimes…

Are you one of those people who can say with a fair bit of certainty that they’ll be single this Valentine’s Day? Are you (between you and me) feeling a bit miserable about it? I’m sure not, but just in case – here’s your Singles’ Valentine’s Day 101 to gear you up for your Totally-Irritating-And-Inconsequential Day.

Wake up and forget about it.
Chance upon this post and curse me for reminding you.
If you’re in India, thank God for not making it a holiday – for some less fortunate singles of the world it is.
Also if you’re in India, celebrate the fact that you don’t face any risk of being publicly beaten up by poli***l g**ns, as you’ll not be seen out celebrating the Day.
Guys – Repeat after me: “Box of chocolates – Rs. 500, flowers – Rs. 500 (sounds crazy but I checked), romantic dinner – Rs. 2000, saving Rs. 3000 just by being single – Priceless!”
Is feeling a bit lonely on one day too high a price to pay for 364 days of freedom? ;)
Derive happiness from the fact that happiness is an imaginary condition, attributed by you to the couples and by couples to you.
Being single is about perpetual hope. Being in a relationship is losing all hope. To most.
I guess it’s for this reason that cupid rhymes with stupid.
Write a letter to your ex (don’t send it). If you need any help with the choicest words, tell me. ;)
Remind yourself that you’re single ’cause you’ve not settled for just about anybody. (Conveniently disregard the possibility that nobody settled for you.)
OK it’s not for you. But so is Christmas to non-Christians who never miss their Christmas cakes anyway. Just use the excuse to buy yourself some real great chocolate!

Irrespective of whether you’re single or not, have a great weekend! ;)

How I Ended The Stressful Fights in My Relationship by Throwing Logic Out of The Window!

Shubho and I used to fight like dogs.

Photo by MadRussianPhotography

Yes. Shameful but true. Those maddening evil games would go on for hours, especially in weekends when we seemed to find nothing better to do. When our jobs seemed to bore us to death we’d even pick up the phone and start the gymnastics.

Like all addictions, this favourite sport of ours also quickly started taking its dark toll on our mental and physical health. I guess I would’ve gone completely insane (which is the ultimate nirvana of all addictions anyway) but fortunately or unfortunately the me in me stopped me before I got there. Or did it? Only you can tell. ;) But for the rest of this post I’ll pretend that it did.

So like I was saying, one day the me in me (some call it survival instinct, but I was never good with big words) said No. This was hard, as you can understand, given that I have a bit of a history with anger addiction too. But something in me decided I’ll not fight anymore, because I can’t afford to.

That’s when I realized how we were constructing unnecessary Abysses of Logic and drowning ourselves in them.

That’s when I came up with the Deflection Technique.

Today I want to tell you about this ONE basic crucial concept of conflicts in a relationship and how you can use it to stop the silly fights in your relationship from building up.

The Abyss of Logic: The fuel to fights in a relationship or marriage

What’s an abyss of logic? Let’s take an example.

Jane: “Why haven’t you watered the plants?”

John: “Look who’s talking? As if you haven’t forgotten to pick up the groceries for two days in a row now!”

A possible way in which Jane can reply to this is: “Yes I’d forgotten to pick up the groceries, but we already have enough supplies, so at least there was some back up. On the other hand if you continue to neglect the plants they’ll soon die – there just isn’t any back up option.”

As you can see Jane has moved away from her simple complaint about John not watering the plants to a relatively more general issue of whose mistake poses higher risks to the family.

In answer to this, John might say: “Jane. Are you trying to say your silly little plants are as important as our basic needs like that of food?”

Now this discussion has gone to a completely new level. John has attacked something very close to Jane’s heart – the plants – calling them unimportant. This would hurt Jane emotionally and she’ll start screaming and you know the rest.

This is what I call the Abyss of Logic – the use of logical arguments one after the other to defend one’s position in a fight.

Why is the Abyss of Logic dangerous?

Silly fights in a relationship don’t occur because one person is “right” and the other is “wrong”. They usually occur because of things like minor annoyances partners cause each other, silly frustrations they take out on each other etc. So basically it’s about releasing that momentary stress. That stress might well have been built by something your partner has done. But when you lash out at them ask yourself – are you doing this to set right whatever they did wrong? No. The reason behind your immediate action is your stress, not whatever your partner did. Hence assimilate the following fact once and for all:

The only objective of fighting is stress relief.

Photo by Ed Yourdon

However, the irony is that the moment you attack your partner you create more stress – on them. They then try to release it by attacking you back. But as rational beings, we humans tend to take a more sophisticated approach to relieving this stress because we don’t want to admit that we’re just following an animal process of stress relief by fighting for the sake of fighting. We pretend we’re having a logical discussion. The moment we combine our animal need of stress relief with our human rationality we make the ultimate mistake. Once we make this mistake a fight can go on forever – the more opposing arguments someone is faced with the more stressed they are and the more they attack the other person in order to release that stress. But when they do their human tendency kicks in and they fashion yet another perfect logical argument as ammunition for the attack. Thus the vicious cycle of fighting in a relationship or marriage continues.

How do you magically dissolve the fights in your relationship or marriage? The “Deflection Technique”

So how can you escape this abyss? By not letting the logical steps to build. I call this the “Deflection Technique.” Remember this:

If you want to resolve the fights, throw logic out of the window.

Counterintuitive as it may sound, the more logical approach you take to the fights in your relationship, the deeper you’ll fall into the abyss and into nervous stress.

Let’s look at how Jane and John could have applied this technique to resolve their silly fight.

Jane: “Why haven’t you watered the plants?”

John: “Look who’s talking? As if you haven’t forgotten to pick up the groceries for two days in a row now!”

Jane: “I wasn’t saying anything about the groceries, John. I was just asking what could be the reason why you haven’t watered the plants.”

Note how Jane has effectively deflected the build-up of argumentative attacks by refusing to respond to an attack which was made on her.

Now. Of course it’s possible that John will in turn refuse to respond to Jane’s accusation. But if Jane applies the Deflection Technique consciously and consistently, she can dissolve the fight under any circumstances. Here’s how:

Jane: “I wasn’t saying anything about the groceries, John. I was just asking what could be the reason why you haven’t watered the plants.”

John: “And I wasn’t saying anything about the plants. I was talking about the groceries.”

Jane: “It’s ok. My objective is not to fight with you about the plants or the groceries. I was only expressing my disappointment over the fact that they’ve not been watered. It’s not that big an issue. It’s ok.”

Note how Jane has now completely eliminated any chances of the evil logical build-up. She’s once again refused to be led on by John in the direction of a blame game. At the same time she’s also shown restraint and maturity instead of obstinacy, without being forced to apologize. John won’t give up on his point. If Jane had also chosen to go for a tit-for-tat reaction of holding on to her own, this would have blown up into a long and stressful argument. Instead she’s used the Deflection Technique consistently in order to dissolve the fight.

And that’s what I do nowadays whenever we’re faced with a potential conflict, irrespective of who started it.

You can too. ;) Try and let me know how it goes by leaving a comment. J

“Matrimonial Businesses Promoting Casteism Will Soon Find Their Existence Questioned,” Sanjoy Sachdev, In My Exclusive Interview with Love Commandos

Mandeep had found Lata through a common friend in Facebook. She was a student, and he worked in technical support. After two months of online chatting, he called. One more month and there they were – meeting each other for the first time at a coffee shop in some town towards the north of the country. Within the next few months Lata had got her phone confiscated by her family. They had found out.

Lata’s family tried to lure her with the hope of getting married into a rich family, but she was adamant. Her boyfriend was the only one she was ever going to marry.

Determined to escape and create a life of their own, they called the Love Commandos.*

Meet the Commandos – a group of aging journalists and businessmen based in New Delhi, who provide protection and legal assistance to couples who dare to choose each other over the diktats of their families and clans. They operate a helpline for couples under threat and requiring assistance. On receiving a call the volunteer Commandos rescue the couples and provide them temporary shelter.

I was fortunate enough to find an opportunity to chat up with the Love Commandos leadership. Here are some excerpts:

Sanjay Sachdev, Chairman, Love Commandos, Photo by Mandeep Gulia

How did Love Commandos start? What was the inspiration behind starting it?

Sanjoy Sachdev, Chairman: We had gone to Tees Hazari courts in Delhi. It was a case of son of a friend of Mr. Sonu Rangi (Presently our Commando Co-ordinator), who was in jail on charge of Rape. The girl had deposed before the magistrate that she was in love with Sanjay (accused) and even refused to undergo medical examination. She had stated that the relation was with consent but the Delhi Police had under the pressure of the family of the girl put the boy behind the bars.

We argued the case and got him bailed out the same day. We were assisted by Advocates Mr. Vinit Jain and Mr. Sanjay Kumar. While on way back Mr. Sanjay Kumar, advocate Delhi high court suggested that we should do something to stop crimes in the name of honour, as we have been having Valentine peace Commandos (helpline for couples under pressure from families and needing assistance), for 15 days a year since 2001.

After reaching back we were discussing the proposal in our core team of activists when a call from a journalist Mr. Rajiv Tyagi (Then working with Mid Day Delhi edition) came and who wanted to know our reaction on Khap dictats. We said that soon we would be converting our valentine day helpline to 24X7 helpline for lovers to combat and counter fundamentalist and orthodox dictats of Khaps and other such elements. It was while answering his queries that Mr. Harsh Malhotra (presently our Chief Co-ordinator) said finalized the name Love Commandos along with the helpline number.

It is worth mentioning that Mr, Malhotra has made a world record in Love by marrying his own wife six times.

Have you ever had any negative experience of your own related to any marriage against the advice of the family?

Sonu Rangi, Commando Co-ordinator: None in the members of the core team had any such experience. I’m proud to say that our parents never considered it necessary to obstruct our freedom of choosing our respective life-partners.

With the social pressures Indian rebel couples usually face, you must be receiving a considerable volume of calls. How are you handling it logistically?

The Mid Day Delhi story I just mentioned was reused by NDTV and Dainik Jagran on July 5^th 2010, followed by many other TV channels and newspapers. As media coverage spread the message of the Love Commandos all across the country we started getting a huge volume of calls, starting with 7000 calls the very first day, as against our expectation of 100/200 calls a month! As you might have guessed – we didn’t have the logistical capacity to handle that kind of volumes in the beginning. Gradually we put together a network of attending the calls on same number on 12 lines by using call forward when busy to other numbers. It was getting too expensive for us. Now we have got CUG system from Reliance (As all numbers are in the 93 range), and thus been able to get operational costs (relatively) under control.

Two years into our operations we were also lucky to meet Vinay from gandhig.com who who offered us a free website which is still functioning as our official website www.lovecommandos.org. The website has been instrumental in spreading our message not only in India but to the entire international community.

Love Commandos provides food, shelter, protection and legal assistance to runaway couples. Financial challenges must be there…

In this country you may find hundreds of people donating money in the name of religion but it is tough to find people doing the same to protect the freedom of the youth.

Harsh Malhotra, Chief Co-ordinator: We are under heavy debts. We have sold out our belongings to run the Mission because in this country you may find hundreds of thousands of people donating money in the name of religion but it is tough to find people doing the same to protect the freedom of the youth of this country. We are grateful to the Journalist community. Media people, film and documentary makers from India and abroad have all contributed financially to our cause and that’s how we could maintain our operations till date. Couples who feel strongly about our cause have also extended help from time to time. Most of the couples we’ve supported are still in the process of settling down and getting their lives in order. We hope they also come back and help us whenever they’re ready.

We request the couples to bear the expenses of their lawful marriages, registration (if desired), legal applications (generally no fee is charged by our lawyers), official process for protection or rescue etc. But in many cases we end up supporting this process partially or fully, as the couples are often financially unprepared. Shelter, food, medical assistance, beddings and sometimes even clothes are totally free and are provided by us.

The couples manage cooking and cleaning of the shelters themselves, giving them an atmosphere of home away from home. They get both affection and scolding so that they can realise the difficulties of life in future.

What's your operating structure like?

Harsh Malhotra, Chief Co-ordinator: Our network of volunteers is our backbone. We have no formal structure, no records as we are missionaries, not clerks. Anyone willing to become a volunteer can fill in a simple form at www.lovecommandos.org or send an sms with his or her name and address to 09313784375.

When we get a call we search in our computer or manual records and call volunteers from the area. So far we have 11,00,000 plus intending volunteers all over the country but as we have no resources to get such a huge number of forms printed and posted there are no records.

Our experience has been that each and every volunteer had rushed at the cost of his or her life to save couples and that signifies victory of Mission Love for me. We feel that the youth needed a voice and we have become the instrument for that.

Love Commandos provides assistance to couples marrying against their families’ preferences. I understand that a large part of these couples were not accepted by their families because of being intercaste. Are there any other types of social rejection of couples that you’ve seen in your work with Love Commandos? How is each type of challenge/risk different (intercastevs inter religion vs any other type)?

Sunil Sagar, Commando Trainer: General problem is of inter caste and inter religion. However some gotra, near relative, distant relative, financial position, educational status, total opposition to martial freedom from families have also been causes and it has always been more difficult to handle such situations.

Have you ever faced opposition to your operations from clans/police/other bodies?

Govinda Expert Commando: Yes it’s very common. We have heard that many clans have announced rewards on the heads of Mr. Sachdev and Mr. Malhotra totalling to over 10 Lakh. However we never care about such unlawful opposition and continue to fight for justice to Lovers. What we do is to support the law, not to oppose it, and we’re thankful to Central Delhi District Police for always helping us do so. We are also thankful to NCW in many cases.

I’ve read mostly about relatively less educated couples from the so-called lower strata of the society seeking help from Love Commandos. Are there similar cases you’ve handled with couples from educated, so-called better off backgrounds too?

We’ve even had MBAs, doctors and sports personalities of national fame deprived of marital choice and asking for our help.

Harsh Malhotra Chief Co-ordinator: You would be surprised to know how many. We had engineers, doctors, advocates, professors, policemen, government officials, bank officials, MBAs and BCAs, MSW, sports personalities of national fame, people with families of political background, people with families of judicial background, rich people – all come to us for help on facing opposition to martial choice. Many of these cases have been reported also. We can’t talk about specific cases as we honour the privacy of the couples.

Love Commandos has completed almost three years in operation now. Have you noticed any shift in the way people think about marital choice?

Sanjoy Sachdev, Chairman: India is changing. So far as marital choice is concerned, it’s clear that the youth want a casteless society. But Rome was not built in a day and there’s a long way to go before we start seeing any real change.

In the Indian popular culture – starting from Bollywood to music to literature – we’ve glorified love and freedom of marriage for ages. Yet when it comes to real life the general attitude towards these issues seems to have remained largely unchanged over decades, across social and economic strata. Why do you think the regressive outlook towards marital freedom is refusing to let go of its stronghold in the Indian society?

Children are considered property and female children more so.

Harsh Malhotra, Chief Co-ordinator: Children are considered property and female children more so. But I’m convinced that the youth of India is rising and Love Commandos is proud to lead the change they want.

Today we’ve online-ized the whole process of choosing one’s life partner and then matrimonial websites give you options to choose castes for potential partners. On the other hand Bollywood movies glorify so-called traditional outlook of life and marriage and K-series TV serials exalting arranged marriages gain wild popularity. Do you think intolerance towards sexual/personal freedom is making a comeback as “cool” in today’s Indian society?

There will come a day when you will find such promoters of casteism finding it hard to support their existence.

Sanjoy Sachdev, Chairman: Films and serials are a face of the society and all stories are taken from goings on in real life. I’d say that’s the reason all hit films tell love stories. As far as the matrimonial industry is concerned – they are profit-making entities and have no option but to sell what customers demand. But the youth believes in love and I’m sure given a choice most would desist from such sites or advertisements. I’ll go on to say that there will come a day when you will find such promoters of casteism finding it hard to support their existence. Sexual and personal freedom is guaranteed by our great constitution and by Hon’ble Supreme Court, and it has to be honoured.

When a boy can choose the leaders of the country at 18 by casting his vote why can’t he marry at the same age?

However our laws are still male dominated. Like the one which says that the minimum age for marriage for a boy is 21 as against 18 for a girl. In my opinion it should be 18 for both. When a boy can choose the leaders of the country at 18 by casting his vote why can’t he marry at the same age? Indian Majority Act says a boy of 18 is major but Child Marriage Act says that till 21 he is a child whereas a girl of 18 is major.

I would urge the youth to come out on the streets against such discrimination.

What are your thoughts on how we should go about stopping honour killings at the grassroots level?

Sonu Rangi, Commando Co-ordinator: Only awareness can do so, not administrative measures alone.

What are your thoughts on how we can create a culture more tolerant of personal choice in marriage across social and economic strata in India?

Harsh Malhotra, Chief Co-ordinator: The onus lies on the youth. The youth has to be committed to protecting their own freedom and if they’re in love they should say so with pride. They should never succumb to the pressure and emotional atyachar of parents, families or so called society and should work for a new social order which exalts love, not vilify it.

What is your vision for Love Commandos?

Sanjoy Sachdev, Chairman: We are a voice for the youth as is mentioned in our theme song. We’ll continue to support and protect the freedom of the youth. We believe that love shall conquer the world one day.

What message would you like to leave for the Love in India readers?

Prem Ka Vikas Ho, Premi Premikaon Main Vishwas Ho, Prem Virodhion Ka Naash Ho, Garv Se Kaho Hum Premi Hain

Kyonki

Pyar Karna Paap Nahin Hai Aur Virodhi Hamara Baap Nahin Hai

Because

Jo Premion Ke Saath Chale Ga Woh Vishva Paar Raaj Karga

Yane

Naya Sawera Ayega Premi Samaj Layega

Isiliye

Dunia Bhar Ke Premi Premikao Ek Ho

Lovers Unity Zindabad

*Names and other particulars changed.