Over the months many of you have read our very popular post 14 signs your boyfriend is cheating on you and asked me, “So what? What should I do if I find that he is, indeed, cheating?” Hence today’s post. Discovering with a cheating boyfriend is going to be one of your most challenging emotional experiences. Here are some tips to help you through it.
Handling a cheating boyfriend – Rule #1. Double check
Based on what evidence have you concluded that your boyfriend is cheating? If it’s just your suspicions, don’t make a conclusion yet. Try to verify the facts. Look for hard evidence. Believe the unthinkable only if you’re absolutely sure.
Photo by diablo_x_238Handling a cheating boyfriend – Rule #2. Give yourself time
Once you’ve assured yourself that your boyfriend is indeed cheating, do not confront him immediately. You’re feeling shock, pain and humiliation. Your first reaction will be denial and delirious anger, arising out of a feeling of being wronged. Give yourself some time to deal with these feelings, before you confront your boyfriend. Take a few days off from him. Don’t see him, don’t answer his calls. You can text him saying you’re unwell or busy.
Handling a cheating boyfriend – Rule #3. Let yourself feel
Use this period to process your emotions –the hurt, the anger, the humiliation. If you have a trusted friend or supportive family you can confide in them. If not, start keeping a journal or a private blog – where you pour out your emotions and come to terms with them.
Handling a cheating boyfriend – Rule #4. Do not react
When you’re back in control, confront your cheating boyfriend. Do not dramatize. Do not get into a mad frenzy of yelling and crying and blaming – ceding control hurts you and you only. Let him know of what you’ve found out in a calm, mature way. Let him respond. You cannot know his true feelings unless you create a non-threatening, safe environment.
Handling a cheating boyfriend – Rule #5. Let him explain
When you give him a chance to express himself freely, he’d most likely put his sincere apologies on the table. Subsequently he can either express his desire to continue with you calling off the other relationship (this is what most people do), or confess his feelings for the other lady and choose to break up with you.
Handling a cheating boyfriend – Rule #6. Assess the relationship
If he wishes to break up, well, I’m sorry. You need to be strong and deal with your break up in a healthy way. But if he wants to continue, you must have a discussion about the needs of both of you from the relationship. While cheating can never be justified, it can be a manifestation of some of his needs going unfulfilled. You should at least know about such needs, if any.
Photo by Miguel CoHandling a cheating boyfriend – Rule #7. Avoid self-loathing
While an incidence of cheating may not be entirely the cheating partner’s fault, you must make sure you avoid the other extreme – drowning in self-loathing for not being “good enough”. Irrespective of what your cheating boyfriend says about his unfulfilled needs, consciously stop yourself from going down the “I’m not good enough” lane. You are extraordinary the way you are. Fulfilling or not fulfilling his needs does not, in any way, increase or decrease your worth as a human being. Whether you want to do something to fulfil more of his needs is simply a call you need to take, not a standard you have to live up to.
Handling a cheating boyfriend – Rule #8. Take a break
Once you’ve discussed your needs, if you still decide to stay together, you need to take some time off from each other. Do not jump back into your relationship on the basis of verbal apologies and promises. In that case there’s a chance that you’d go through the same nerve-wracking cycles of being cheated on and then making up. Make it clear that the only way you’d stay with him is if he’s OK with taking a break for at least a few weeks or so.
Handling a cheating boyfriend – Rule #9. Invest in yourself
You can keep in touch with your boyfriend during the break but seriously, I’d not recommend anything more than a call once a week or so. Use the break to enrich yourself instead. Do a hard assessment of your life and set goals for your future. If you’re already pursuing some life goals, take a fresh look at where you stand in relation to them. Find new ways of doing the things you were doing to inch towards your goals. Pick up long-forgotten hobbies if you want. Reconnect with old friends. In short, shake up your life a bit. Take some time to live actively, not passively. The objective of this break is not to force yourself to fall out of love with your cheating boyfriend, but to create happiness and balance within yourself. This is meant to give greater stability to your life by reducing your emotional dependence on your boyfriend (or anyone else).
Have you ever had to deal with a cheating boyfriend? Did you break up or stay together? What was your coping strategy? Share with us in the comments section.
Nice and useful points for girls. try to follow it
Thanks Riyaz. :)
Hi there. I am wondering if you can clarify what is said in Step #7.
I think all of the advice is wonderful. Taking time for yourself is a must. You should never lose yourself in a relationship, but rather the relationship should enhance you.
I do feel that when a person cheats, it is only their fault. Even if they feel their needs aren’t being met, and searching elsewhere, they still made the choice to cheat. I think they should have told their partner that felt unfulfilled or broken up to begin with. Cheating is a choice. The partner who was cheated on didn’t make that choice.
How do you move past thinking your partner has cheated because it feels that way and there are many signs that point to that possibility but there is no hard evidence?
Thanks so much Rory for the insightful comment. :)
You’re absolutely right about cheating being always a worse option than breaking up OR discussing their unfulfilled needs with their partner first. But people have weaknesses and they make mistakes.
Let’s say you feel many of your needs are not satisfied by your partner. You’ve tried many times to communicate but they never understand you. But you know they love you, and you love them and can’t leave them. If you happen to come across someone who seems perfect for you, and fall for them, is it entirely your fault? May be you would’ve broken up, but stayed back only because you couldn’t hurt your partner. Make no mistake – I’m not saying that absolves you of responsibility for what you’ve done. But let’s say you’ve already made the mistake of cheating and your partner has found out (which is the context of this post). In this situation it’s very likely that your partner’s self-esteem will be hit big time. They might start feeling “he fell for someone else because I’m not good enough”. This is a very unhealthy way to deal with being cheated on, and you need to consciously avoid it.
Did that make sense? :)
Thanks for all the support on Facebook and here. :)
hmm well I also think these are best tips & tricks to handle a cheater boyfriend. While following these tips I think a relationship can stand on right place & a girl can save her boyfriend.
Hopefully, if they’re both still genuinely willing to give the relationship another chance.
Haven’t seen you around for a while? ;)
yes but now I won’t miss for long time