How to Break Up: 7 Rules You Can’t Ignore

Everyday millions of people fall in love with each other all around the world. Some of them stay together forever. Most of them break up after weeks/months/years, and move on to better relationships. Breaking up is one of the hardest experiences of life – not only for the dumped but also for the dumper. Among those of you facing a relationship crisis, many must be wondering, “How to break up with my boyfriend/girlfriend, knowing I’d hurt them?”

There is, of course, no painless way of breaking up with someone. There are, however ways of doing it which are healthier and more responsible than others. Let’s take a look at some of the basics you need to keep in mind if you’ve decided to break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend.

How to break up – Rule #1. Where to do it

You’d have read everywhere that it’s best to break up in person, at their residence. Their own private space gives them the maximum privacy to deal with their feelings (which are likely to be intense) at the moment they hear it from you. But in India most single people live either with their parents or with roommates. Breaking up in person at their residence may not always be possible. In such a case do it over an email, not a call. A call is a dialogue. It might turn into an emotional frenzy. Besides you can take your own time to craft an email, providing as much explanation as you want and choosing the most appropriate words. Also, when the other person reads it, they can take the time they need to come to terms with their feelings before contacting you (if they choose to). It saves them the pain of having to hide their emotions because they’re not alone.

Photo by Daniel Gizo

How to break up – Rule #2. What to say

If you’re wondering how to break up, remember this golden rule: Do not blame and do not apologize. It is neither their fault, nor yours.

At least not any more.

Both blaming and apologizing are likely to turn up the emotional temperature and lead to another meaningless fight. Instead make the break up conversation calm & mature. Say something like, “We’re different from each other,” or “Our ideas about life/relationship/future goals are different.” Emphasize that the two of you are incompatible with each other, rather than one of you not being “good enough” for the other.  

How to break up – Rule #3. Handling reactions

If you’re breaking up in person (or if and when they meet you next after receiving your email) they might react in an intense manner. They might start yelling, screaming or crying. Pacify them by politely urging them to calm down, again and again. There’s no consolation that you can offer them. So channel the discussion into some other topic (“Btw, I wanted to tell you … <some news about common interests/job/common friends…>”) and insist on continuing the discussion in the new direction.  They might say things like, “Nothing but your love can give me peace now,” or “Tell me you love me.” Always say, “We’ll talk about that later.” Do not cow down and tell them that you still love them, even if it is only to pacify them. Do not offer to remain friends. And do not give them any gifts (they’d act as constant reminders of their pain).

How to break up – Rule #4. No need to change

When you tell them you’re incompatible, they’d most likely offer to “change themselves” to suit you better. Tell them with conviction that they’re extraordinary the way they are and that they’d be doing themselves a disservice if they try to change themselves for anyone else. Also mention that changing oneself for someone else is an extremely unhealthy way to approach life, and is sure to do more harm than good in the long run.

Your objective here is to minimize the damage to their self-esteem.

Photo by Lou Noble

How to break up – Rule #5. Avoid clichés

Another golden rule if you have doubts regarding how to break up: Do not try to make it sound like you’re breaking up because you have their best interests at heart. You don’t. You knew you’d have to hurt them. Yet you chose to break up because you care about yourself more than you care about them. We all do. It’s natural. It’s healthy. And they know that. Don’t use clichés like “You deserve someone better,” or “I want nothing but the best for you.”

How to break up – Rule #6. Tell the truth

If you’re not sure how to break up, muster the courage and say, “I know I’m acting selfish. But I’m sure one day you’ll realize that it’s best this way.” Like I said, no one breaks up primarily because they want the other person to be happy. We break up because we want ourselves to be happy. You’ll both feel better if you’re frank about that bit. Besides, you cannot do them a greater favour at this point than giving them a reason to hate you. But don’t overdo it. :D

How to break up – Rule #7. No contact

If they call you after the break up do not pick up. If they try too many times, pick up, tell them you understand their feelings and would write them an email. Don’t let the conversation linger – it would lead to nothing but a waste of energy.

Keeping in touch with you at this moment would make them falsely believe – even if subconsciously – that you’re somehow available when you’re not. They might unknowingly become your fall back option, which they (or anyone) don’t deserve to be. Most importantly, keeping in touch with you will keep them emotionally unavailable to other romantic possibilities around them.

If they do insist on keeping in touch, write them an email explaining this. Mention that it lies in the long-term best interests of both of you to stop seeing each other now. Tell them to stop trying to contact you because keeping in touch will be painful to them given the circumstances.

Make sure the severing of ties doesn’t come across as rude or cruel to them. You’re severing ties not because you want to hurt them more, but because you don’t.

Have you ever broken up with anyone? How did you break up? What are your lessons from the experience? Share with us in the comments.