Q. Sulagna, I am facing serious problems in my relationship now which are affecting the relationship and also both of us.
A few details on our background:
My boyfriend is also my colleague. He is a Tamil Hindu living with his parents.
I am a catholic from Mangalore, Karnataka. His is a very traditional and orthodox family while mine’s quite liberal.
Our relationship has now become a torture for me.
It is almost a year that we’ve been together. I was in a relationship before him which was more of a Friends with Benefits type. After 4-5 months of being together he found out about my past relationship from colleagues and started making enquiries about it. I realized it’s better to put all the truth on the table now rather than a few years later, which might cause disaster. So I told him the truth, minus the details. That’s when it started.
Photo by Geórgia –For me it was pure shock. I watched as my partner metamorphosed into the kind of typical backward-looking misogynist Indian male I don’t want to be with. Every single day he would remember some bit of my past history and ask for minute details, then abuse me if I refused to answer and abuse me if I did. Once he even caught hold of my neck in a moment of frenzy.
He never trusts me. He wants to dictate every aspect of my life from what I can wear to who I’m allowed to talk to. And to top it all – he makes me swear all of these things on some family member.
But – and this is the embarrassing part – I can’t think of him as just another petty misogynistic abuser. He’s a wonderful person inside. Every time he misbehaves he comes back to me and begs for forgiveness with tears in his eyes.
Here’s the thing Sulagna. We love each other. For real. But my past is something he’s not able to cope with (the fact that I’m the first real sexual encounter of his life makes things that much more touchy). But I can tell you this much – I’ve never really loved anyone before.
I want to be happy again. Tell me what I should do.
-Meredith,
Mumbai
A. One of the golden rules of a happy relationship is: NEVER try to change who you are for someone you love. No matter how much you love someone, you can never live your life under a forced disguise. It will eventually get to you and cause stress in your relationship, if not an eventual breakdown.
Your boyfriend has a very high need for control in a relationship. This approach might have worked with someone else (or in some other era), but given the person you are – this is going to cause disaster because you’re not going to be able to take it lying down forever.
Now since you haven’t left him already I assume that in spite of his interference in your independence and other unwarranted actions, you care for him and want to work through this. So that’s what I’m going to help you do.
The first step to bringing a problematic relationship back on track is to start drawing boundaries.
What are boundaries?
A relationship is a mutual agreement between two people. Boundaries are terms on which this agreement is based. These are rules which both partners are to follow if they want to stay in the relationship.
How do you come up with these rules?
For that, you need to have a calm, mature discussion with your boyfriend. The objective of this discussion is to come to an agreement on the rules. Remember it’s you who’d be initiating the discussion. Hence you cannot afford to lose your cool, even if your boyfriend does. The key to creating balance in your relationship is to set its terms in the most calm and mature manner. Your boyfriend should realize that this is NOT a blame game but an honest attempt on your part to make the relationship work.
Photo by leannaphotographsSo where do you start?
Enumerate clearly which specific behaviours of him hurt you. For example, you can tell him something like, “It hurts me if you 1. Tell me what to wear 2. Make me swear over simple things 3. Ask for details from my past.
These actions and behaviours of yours are causing me intense pain and stress. I know you care for me and you don’t want to hurt me. Hence I’m sure you wouldn’t want to continue these behaviours, now that you know how painful they are for me. So let us please agree on which behaviours you’re going to stop or modify so that our relationship can become happy and deeply fulfilling, like it was. Also, I’m more than willing to listen to and act on anything about me that’s bothering you. Let’s please talk about it.”
This way you serve two purposes:
1. Lay down clear conditions of what is acceptable to you and what is not. Your mature and calm tone should convey your firmness to him.
2. Open him up for sharing his feelings with you. Through such dialogues, you convey to him that you’re that you’re willing to help him get over whatever is bothering him.
Sex before marriage is an explosive issue in India, with emotions running feverishly high around it (just check the comments section here and you’ll know: Q&A.My wife had sex before marriage! :D) Hence, if your boyfriend is one of those guys who’re really particular about their wives’ virginity, you might have to reconsider your relationship. But before that, give yourselves a chance. If there’s true commitment, it’s possible that your boyfriend would change his views in order to accept you.
All the best.
Though I agree with Sulagna on most of the points, but my advice would be just a little bit different than the author’s.
Firsy lets simply things, by moving sex out of picture – because sex brings in a lot of emotions and morality, feminism,sexism, Indianness ect. with it. Let’s bring in Food. Yummy !
Lets say, you are a non-veg, but you BF belongs to a “vegetarian only” belief- that too a very f*cking strong belief.
Now in this case, you both have different beliefs ! What can you do about it? Absa-fucking-lutely nothing. You have no right change to his beliefs. He has no right to change yours. In this case, you can not live together in one home – unless one of you chooses to change your own belief. Remember you can never force other to change.
Now lets bring back, sex and relationships. Multiply that “very f*cking strong” by 100000 in this case. And you get an idea, why your “wonderful” person is acting “misogynistic”.
Now, if love is what you are looking for
If you really love this person, accept him for who he is. Even if he is control freak – which I believe is not the case. He is acting on certain emotional trauma he is going through. But in the end, if you love him, love him for who he is, not trying to make him perfect or socially just or anything else. How you handle his controlling and abusing, I will leave that to you. But realize that first you have accept him for who he is.
Now, if relationship is what you are looking for
Throw love out of picture. Throw ego out of picture.
If you want to live with person, accept differences in both of your beliefs. Then go an talk as Sulagna suggested. If it works, continue the relationship, if doesn’t walk out. (Remember that you have thrown out love from picture :P so now you can walk out )
While I agree with the advice given what troubles me is the writer said bf abuses her no matter what she says…nobody has the right to put their hands on another person and if he does it now, while they’re dating I hate to think what he’ll do after ( and if) they get married…
You are willing to work to talk about his feelings even when he asks you about your past everyday.
You told him TRUTH.
He has attacked you physically, whatsoever be the situation and he is still not behind the bars.
You don’t compare him to your past bf.
His opinion matters to you.
You haven’t snapped at him saying that he is obtuse, backward.. etc. nothing like your past bf.
Your past bf hasn’t told him the details.
Your past bf doesn’t jump on you any time
Seriously tell him to read My wife has had sex before marriage one, he is really really lucky, you are a gem. I would do anything if my wife could become even half of you,
If what you say is even half truth tell him there are guys in much more bad situation, the points I mentioned above, my wife is all that because she knows I won’t divorce her.
And you had only one guy, it was only for 4-5 months, so I am sure no abortions etc.
Really tell him as a guy, I am saying he is really lucky to have someone like you.
I don’t know about him but I would let go my wife’s past if she were anything like you.
I really appreciate your support for Meredith, Anon. Our society needs more honest and empathetic guys like you. :)
Really like anony. said before you told him the truth, you had consideration for his feelings even when you knew he could leave you. you didn’t had the ultimate safety of marriage. You tolerated him even when he assaulted you physically, I shudder at the thought what will my wife do if I were to hit her.
Also reading all, you probably don’t compare him to your ex and hurt him.
And he makes you swear on your family members !!! And you have even done it.
My advice is same as anony. tell him to read that page. He doesn’t know what real pain is.
Thanks for your support Archit. :)
Just few thoughts
1. where did the girl say that she was assaulted physically ? Did i miss something or is everyone assuming it and author is supporting that assumption ?
2. Why the people, who are taking girl’s side, are considered honest and empathetic by the author? Isnt there a guy’s side in this picture ? What about honesty in seeing that side , and empathizing with that side ? I am not saying that the guy is right, but aren’t we sitting here on our asses in front of our computer, and simple feeling good by judging the guy ?
Well she has said that her bf held her neck in a moment of frenzy ( after the first pic, last line of para ), one complaint and he will be in jail, non bailable, once filed complaint cannot be taken back, he has to show up in court or in front of magistrate.
I don’t if you have been in this situation but if you have been you will know, she is doing a lot for him, and he is just her bf not husband either, taking my wife as scale she is way much better, even though I have never done any psycho things like that guy, assaulting her, making her swear on family members, telling her what to wear, hell.
And she told him the truth all by herself, she considered him as a human with feelings even though she knew he could dump her or worse announce it to every person, I am married to my wife. I won’t do any of the above yet she hasn’t told me a bit.
And all the points I have mentioned before, I have no experience with girls except with my wife and she is all the points I have mentioned before, so the girl here is much much much better.
Exactly.
her bf held her neck in a moment of frenzy.
Look, clearly this guy is in some mental trauma. You can sit and judge where is hand landed . Or you can realize that if he was the guy who beat girls, he would have actually beaten her. So, either fix the trauma, or stop increasing the trauma. There is no point in calling this as “physical assault” and feeling good in proving oneself victimized.
What is physical assault ?
My parents had beaten me many times, for many things. But then its considered discipline. so its not physical assault.
Many men, I know, talk about their women hitting them in anger. But then “mard ko dard nahi hota”. so its not physical assault.
Its absolutely wrong to hold someone’s neck – but to actually consider it as physical assault, I believe, is a huge problem in our attitude.
I get that you are in a very tough position in life and marriage. Its must be very difficult for you.
And this girl might be better than your wife too. I dont disagree.
But there is no point in comparing this couple, with your couple. It wont help you, or this couple, in anyway.
Whatever be the moment, he is just her bf, he should never hold her neck. Today he is holding her neck in a moment of frenzy, he may have a hard time but that doesn’t mean he would empty his anger on her.
In anger you may push someone away, shout loudly etc. but holding neck, what if he punches her sometime. As for you parents, you have answered your query yourself, they were your PARENTS and you were probably a kid that time, they did it to DISCIPLINE you.
And if he had beaten her, them she wouldn’t be sending mails for help, she would be sitting on a chair with guys parents in front of her begging to get their boy released from jail.
There is difference between girls hitting us and we hitting them, it is absolutely wrong for a guy to hit a girl whatsoever be the reason, also girls hit us rarely or when we deserve it.
My situation is helpless nothing can be one about it.
But the guy in this situation may be feeling that he is very unlucky, he is only one with this problem and he is in worst possible situation but if he reads that there are many is situations much much worse than his. He will realize value of his girl when he knows what type of girls exist.
Anonymous
I am afraid but I have to disagree with you..
whoever he is,either boyfriend or husband, he can not raise his hand on her in any case.
it would be insulting for her if she says “look at others, you are lucky. at least i am honest with you.”. why should she ask for love ?? if he is wise enough he will love her and if he doesn’t screw him. she can find someone else.. it’s not acceptable that she has to prove herself.
don’t be so misogynist, have some respect for girls..
Anon,
I believe, it’s not right to push someone away or shout loudly, when one is angry. One has no right to raise voice at someone, just because he/she is angry.
Also, yes, he might hit her tomorrow. When he does that, I will call it physical assault. But not today.
Also, I answered one question on quora earlier, with the same context. I would advise the same, what I advised there. Either the girl mentioned above, should do something to fix the problems that the guy is going through , or move away from him. Do not wait to reach that stage, where she gets hit or instead – she hit him in frustration and retaliation. I believe, feeling like a victim, while doing nothing, is just a stupid “feel good” and “proving oneself right” strategy.
i don’t think holding her neck in a moment of frenzy by her bf amount to physical assault. i would not take the guy side but i don’t think everyone should take it like the girl is victim and the guy is a villain. read what she wrote above, i have doubt about what she wrote, either she herself made her guy villain or have misunderstood him. i mean he is a very nice and wonderful guy and when you told him about your promiscuous behaviour in past, he suddenly make you sear on your relatives and dictates what will you do and what will you wear. i am not buying it. however i don’t support the guy..
AGuy
yeah, i was wondering why everyone has already decided that the guy has physically assaulted his girl. i think it’s easy for everyone to blame the guy, on the other side girl is the form of a goddess whom everyone should respect.. :p
i mean they never make mistakes.. :D
I am married and in this type of situation, much worse. But still I have never held her neck or any other kind of physical harm, even though I am married, I have to live my whole life with someone who has tricked me into marriage. I too had many “moment of frenzy” and I am sure mine were much intense but I never hit her, I would lock up myself and deal on my own. Today he is holding her neck, tomorrow he may hit her, this will grow as his anger and frustration will grow.
I am not saying the girl is some saint, but you should keep some points like:
* She told him clear truth, even though she knew he could dump her easily and worse publish it to the world, she didn’t had the Indian marriage shield. Now take case of the page MYHHSBM all girls there have lied to there future husbands!, and are lying even after marriage. There guys won’t leave them, there past won’t be made public, only there HUSBAND wants some truth. She could deny it, lie, get married and then tell, what then ?
* He asks for details and she tells some of them, ask any guy on that page, what they will do for someone like her.
* She doesn’t have active contact with her past bf, a lot have.
* He has some say in her life, his words matter, he told her what to wear, whom to talk.
My point is she is not some saint but technically she is clean on her part, she told him everything before any formal thing like marriage, he can walk out and live his life.
He has held her neck, if she tells it to police, her bf will be behind bars first thing, the offence is non-bailable like most of women-empowerment laws, no lawyer can bail you out, In max. 24 hrs. the police will present him to magistrate and then maybe court. This law is wrong BUT it is law.
Anonymous
i understood what you want to say but tell me one thing wh does he accept his gf on seeing others life? i mean it’s not healthy, he should choose her for what she is.
i agree with your points. you talk about physical abuse but what about mental and emotional abuse?? you are living example of facing mental and emotional abuse.
it’s you who said “I too had many “moment of frenzy” and I am sure mine were much intense but I never hit her, I would lock up myself and deal on my own.”
how can you compare emotional abuse with physical abuse, as you said see mine is worse. you are in the same boat with the Meredith, both of you should choose to leave the relationship..
hey i know that you are not here for advice, but how can you tell Meredith to get out of the relationship when you are holding up. preach what you practice buddy.. being in a marriage is not an excuse to suffer
On the point that a good person cannot change into one “misogynist” is wrong, her bf fell in love with her thinking her as a virgin, then she says it is not true, he feels incredibly hurt, he doesn’t want to be with her nor can he stay away from her. It is biological, we are not westerners that sex is nothing more than a method for release, they do it, get bored, change.
There is huge difference between break-up and divorce, and that difference is bigger in India. If she breaks up with him, it is easy, no legal complications, no societal jibes etc. No one enjoys suffering, so no one gives “excuse” for suffering, there is always a “reason” for suffering
While divorce is way much much difficult, legal things and most importantly social reaction, I am sure you know about it, so I won’t explain it. And in mine, there is no physical abuse, and she is free to do anything. If my wife were my gf, I would break up with her this instant. Yeah you cannot compare emotional abuse to physical one, especially emotional one is much more disastrous, no one else can see it, you are on your own and it never heals. But suffice to say physical one brings emotional one with it, so Meredith is better of without this guy.
Sometimes we expect too much from someone or something and when we don’t get it we get angry, by comparing his relationship with others he can see that Meredith has done a lot for him, not all girls do it, she has shown immense trust in him and cares for him deeply. He must be thinking that he has worst relationship in the world, but it isn’t.
Anonymous
I agree with you that a person can turn to misogynist. But I don’t think that the guy here is “misogynist”. It didn’t happen as you are describing it. she didn’t tell him. It was the guy who heard the rumors and asked her. Of course he didn’t fall in love with her because he thought she is virgin. he fell for her but expected that she would be virgin just like him. But the girl here had plenty of sexual partners and she also involved with friends with benefits relations, having sex with absolutely no emotions. And this is what troubled the guy along with virginty issue. See not everyone has same value and thinking. she is completely opposite of him because for her sex is like chocolate. And you failed to understand this point.
you said that for us sex is more than to release ourselves. but why don’t you noted that for Meredith sex is a method for release of her stress as she mentioned. she accepted that she was in friends with benefits relations and also many partner.
I believe that we should be decisive and live our life to fullest. either love your spouse and give them respect or don’t love her/him. if not then there is no point in suffering.
So there is no point to compare your relationship with others and take pride or be happy or sad with yours. It should be like either I want it or not..
AGuy
he physically and emotionally abused her. and holding her neck is not some light incident that you can ignore. but surprisingly you are justifying it. i want to know on what basis you are justifying it. i mean why the guy is traumatised, there is no reason. he has no right to ask her past. but the girl here is so innocent and in love that she told him everything. still he is doing all this. he is not worthy for her at all.
you can not compare this physical abuse with parents beating child..
AGuy
holding the neck is physical violence and you can not justify it. saying that guy is in some mental trauma would not help the argument that he is non abuser.
it’s the guy problem that he is struggling from self esteem issues. it does not mean that he should vent his anger towards his girl. the girl is innocent and should not pay for her honesty..
“Or you can realize that if he was the guy who beat girls, he would have actually beaten her. So, either fix the trauma, or stop increasing the trauma. There is no point in calling this as “physical assault” and feeling good in proving oneself victimized.”
Most victims of domestic violence are pretty much ‘acclimatised’ into it – they believe that they fell for a nice guy who gets into occasional tantrums – only for the violence to get more violent as the relationship progresses. Its something like what this guy did in the beginning, a slap now-and-then later and eventually progresses to punches, strikes and kicks.
What he did here is an assault – even if we go by the legal definition of the term under IPC. It is only a matter of time before it turns into battery.
Sulagna,
I might be wrong.
But looking at your recent comments, it seems that – instead of solving the relationship problems with out any bias, you have moved your motive to show the girls in good picture – no matter what.
Somehow, Charu’s abusing is considered bravery, but a guy’s is considered Misogyny.
I understand, if you have the bias. Its human to have it. But when you are giving relationship advises, shouldn’t you put that bias aside and then solve the problems ?
I do encourage alternative opinions like Charu’s not because of any personal bias, but for the simple reason that they’re extremely rare in this comments thread. The more diverse the points of view, the richer the discussion. :)
Having said that, ANY opinion voiced here (apart from the violence-mongering, radical type) is most welcome. I’m glad that so many of you regularly take out the time to contribute to the community here. As a blogger, each of the opinions expressed here is invaluable to me.:)
Encouraging and supporting are 2 different things. I did not want to bring Charu in picture, because I also dont mind her raising her views.
But instead of encouraging, I feel, language of your comments is supporting certain kind of views. Again. I might be wrong. But, dont want to get in argument as such. Just wanted to point it out :)
AGuy
when did I abuse ? from your comment it seems I abused guys, I don’t think I did anything like that. saying truth is not abusing and also it’s not bravery. truth is just truth. whatever i said was always right thing in that specific context.
you guys should have more sensible and kind approach towards fairer sex.. Don’t be an a**hole
I believe, calling someone asshole, pig, cruel,immature, sadist etc, is considered verbal abusing.
I don’t mind being called an asshole by a random stranger on internet. May be that’s why I also don’t consider holding neck by a loved one as physical assault ;)
But, none-the-less, according to many out here, and laws of many countries, it is considered verbal abuse. So, considering that, you indeed, have abused other commentators on this blog many times.
And that’s why I asked Sulagna, as the blog admin, why is she promoting the abuses that might emotionally hurt some people ? Your name had to come, because you did it the most, I believe :)
“you guys should have more sensible and kind approach towards fairer sex”
I am sorry, I can not do that. Because if I believe in equality, I have to give sensible and kind/harsh approach to both the fairer and the darker sex – equally without any bias.
Btw, off the topic, just wanted to share how truth is a very funny thing.
Many believe, that the truth is actually very rarely true. And that – Your truth is just your version of your own reality :)
The way you brand guys backward looking, coward, cruel, a**hole, un sensible, un sensitive just shows your level, calling names to guys who haven’t done anything against you tells a lot about your personality. Also you are freely preaching that your views are “right thing in that specific context”.
Guys in these situations are traumatized, you cannot question “Why are you angry, you should not be angry”. These things matter to guys it is natural instinct.
I agree with you on the point that her bf was wrong to hold her neck. As I have said The girl is not wrong in this situation, she has told him everything before any formal thing. If he has problems then he can break up and will be free
AGuy
i don’t think that i abused anyone.. whatever i said was the truth. calling Meredith bf an asshole doesn’t amount to abuse. he is an asshole, so saying that doesn’t mean abusing.
there are so many loser on the related thread where i commented, deserves to be called immature or cruel. if a person is sadist what is wrong if one address them by calling sadist… i read so many posts and comments of guys and i am shocked to know what they think about their partner.
here guys thinks that girls are some sorts of commodity so i called them pigs with no brain and loyality.. whatever i commented on a post about that particular guy is very true and you guys are cribbing about that. i have no problem i was expecting this. basically all of you are same as i said that before.. few exceptions…
Sulagna did what she wanted to do by being with truth. and by the way everyone is telling his story and implying that they are emotionally traumatized which is not true. if one can not accept the truth then what can others do. what the crying guys are doing.. they are staying with past and torturing their partner for nothing. no one can sympathasied with these kind of people.
i never said that i am opposed to gender equality, but here it seems everyone is trying to punish girls for nothing. so i sided with the people who are right..
“truth is actually very rarely true”.. that’s a very weird thing to say as i believe. truth is just truth, it doesn’t come with package or added flavour. it is what it is..
my comments does not show my own something “sad” reality as u r implying.. its just that this is what i choose to believe..
Anonymous
saying truth is not wrong thing to do.. if a guy is backward looking or an asshole what u expect me to say? that they are right and they should torture their partner or cry. every guy here is like crying on something that does not happen with him. crying over past things that happened before marriage is just silly and torturing the girls for that is just unacceptable..
i also went through ur post where u r crying over may be same thing that i mentioned before. and what u r trying to say that u r victim, no u r not. and what u r saying that u r holding and trying to be sane and right.. fuck that.. stop crying. now dnt tell me that u havnt cried(read ur comments before: i m in same situation but worst.. tricked into marriage). just bcz u havnt hold ur wife does not make right. may be u know that there is DV law in existence..
something is wrong with ur mentality..
there is nothing that can make them traumatised.. what is their reason? past sexual encounter,. shows who is responsible for that..
AGuy/Anonymous
Charu’s comments are most logical one that i found. she said what others deserved to be called. it’s pissing me off by reading you guys comments. not a single guy looks sane here. everyone is torturing their wife/gf for nothing.
Sulagna did the right thing by supporting her. beside complaining her look inside yourself.
not a single comment showed her gender biased. may be she demand for kind approach for societal reasons. those reasons doesn’t make the girls guilty..
Sulagna
you supported/encouraged Charu Gautam’s opinion saying that she is brave and courageous because of the remarks she made. let me repost what you wrote on http://www.loveinindia.co.in/wife-sex-before-marriage/..
“I want to thank you for your support, and for your courage. You’re a lone struggler holding your ground in this comments thread which has now become a battleground for a violent crossfire between the bigotic and the rational. This site really owes you one for keeping up the discussion by relentlessly holding up the dangerously unpopular alternative view at the cost of putting yourself in the line of bigotic fire, so to speak.”
so you have of opinion that she is being rational and against the bigot..
i would like to also repost what she wrote on the thread that you encouraged and felt that is being rational..
“pigs are of different species and also they can be trained if needed..:p”
“and yes i really think that women are far more better than men. men doesn’t
contribute much to the household but still treat women in their life badly.
i mean what they really do besides making money(wife do much more even if she
doesn’t earn). and yes i forgot they give sperm and entertainment.”
“it’s you who proved that men are nothing but pigs(i will not call them dog. dogs are loyal) ”
“men are useless pigs, they doesn’t use brain.”
so Charu is still rational and came across bigotic fire?? do you also think that men are pigs and does not have brains. they are only useful for entertainment(sex) and for sperms.. you are being irrational and extremely feminist. since you are advising on relationship probs you are supposed to free from biases.. but you are not..
AGuy is correct but you are trying to cover your tracks..
Anurag
you have just picked my lines from different comments that were said in different context. so whatever you are saying is not correct, i always tried to be gender neutral. fact is 99 % of comments that have been posted are of biased nature. people here are sadist and misogynist.
and yes i believe that girls are much better than boys.they are good in everything,hardworking and intelligent… they always have rational views..
Charu Gautam
oh yeah.. definitely you are most rational person here. I have read all of your comments and it’s very clear from your comments that how anti male you are. have some shame.. don’t you have brother or father. may be you born in lab..
AGuy
i haven’t seen a single comment where Charu has abused guys or showed bias. she has presented most neutral and rational thoughts. and every guy is targeting her because she raised her voice against guys who see girls like objects..
Oh, remind me who jumps up proclaiming guys to be pigs, backward, misogynist, cruel, stupid etc. I think you missed “not”. your comment should be “i haven’t seen a single comment where Charu has not abused guys or showed bias.”
A women’s past matters to us, one cannot change it, no one wants a slut as a wife. Everyone wants someone who has morals.
Ram
whatever Charu said was the truth. the guy here is misogynist and sadist and there is nothing wrong calling them that. i read a lot of comments and read Charu and others opinion/comments. and i found hers more accurate and truthful. she commented without any bias and has have rational approach.
this is what she and i trying to say that a woman past should not be hold against her. never ever it’s simply illogical..
Anon / Archit,
I don’t believe he should feel lucky by comparing with others’ wives.
He should feel lucky by feeling lucky to live with her. If he does not, then comparing with others also will not help.
Now that we are advising him , instead of the girl. I wont advise him to read that page.
Instead, let there be conscious decision from his side – whether he want to handle this situation or not – whether he find the effort worth-it or not.
If not, walk away. If yes, find ways to make the relationship work. None of the choices are wrong. None of the choices should be judged. And none of the choices should be based on any comparison.
Also, lets not believe that his pain is not real or not big enough. That’s very ‘un-empathetic’ behavior.
wondering how can one say that compare your girl with others and then decide or be happy after knowing others plight. i think these guys are badly wounded in their lives that’s why that was their suggestions. decision of the guy should be based on his conscious..
On an unrelated matter. I dont receive emails if someone replies to my comment. So,entering email id,while commenting, serves no purpose for me. Is it possible to make the emails work, or remove email from the comment form , or at-least make it non-compulsory ?
Well you should. Let me check the config.
Hi miss,
I understand your problem. the guy you are looking at is a person who is insecure he is afraid of loosing you. the more you distance from him the more problematic your relationship gets. he wants to know the minute details about your relationship is because he wants to control your behavior . He wants to use for ex-relationship to make you feel guilty about the whole ordeal and gain a control over your life.
By sublimely accepting his demands you are giving more control to him and loosing your ground stay stern and when he makes a mistake let him come back do talk to him right a way . This person is an emotional black mailer you can control the out breaks by diverting the topic or convincing him to change the topic . you can control this person easily give time and patience you can change how your relationship turns out.
but my fare warning to you , its no good to you to continue this relationship a long relationship with a person like this will not be a pleasurable journey. if he you still want continue understand him as a grown man with a child like behavior. unless you step and try to control him he would be all over you emotionally .
Meredith,
Your boyfriend is exhibiting issues related to control and obsessiveness with past sexual partners. Which in itself is very hard to deal with. In your case there is also the case of associated rage and physical misbehaviour. This makes the situation much more serious.
These kind of issues come from a much deeper part of a person’s psyche than the outer sophistication and rational behaviour you see during regular normal conversations. In general, anything that can provoke a person into uncontrolled rage to the extent of physical abuse is something that very few people have full control over.
Obsessiveness with past sexual partners and having control issues can blow up into serious trouble at times when you will be at your most vulnerable state and when it would be hardest for you to find outside help. If he could get his hands to your neck, then he could as easily hit you in a fit of rage.
No amount of love will change the guy’s basic most inner thought process in this scenario. It will come up again and again and the same issue will get repeated. All of his crying and behaving are the rational parts of himself that comes into the picture after the fact when he realises that he has done something wrong.
In my opinion, your best solution is to break up with him at this point of time. See if a few months of cooling off drills some sense into the guy.
I am a guy from north india and we see this kind of behaviour a lot over here. In general I have seen that those who have this kind of behaviour are also the types who consider women to be their property and something they can control at their will. Changing these beliefs is very very difficult. It is not impossible, but i have not seen many successful cases of permanent thought change.
“kind of typical backward-looking misogynist Indian male I don’t want to be with”.. you consider yourself forward looking because for you being promiscuous is cool and for him not..??
“Every single day he would remember some bit of my past history and ask for minute details,” i don’t believe this, why would someone do that and even if your bf want details then he would ask in a single session.. i mean no one want to be tortured
he doesn’t trust you for obvious reasons because he consider you are of promiscuous nature and think you can cheat him whenever you would be tempted.. he is trying to dictate your life and saying what you should wear and whom you should talk then definitely it is weird..
he is in mental trauma after knowing your sexual behaviour. you need to understand this, talk to him and be patient if you really want to be in this relationship as you said you really love him..
but if he refuses to understand then leave him. it’s good that you are not married..
Anurag
whatever you wrote points that having sex before marriage is something wrong. she is being honest with her bf and paying for her honesty now.
Charu is absolutely right when she says a guy has no right to know his girl’s past. let bygones be bygones. but this guy is a misogynist, doesn’t deserve to be with her..
if you really love him then talk to him when he is calm. make him understand that whatever happened was your past and you are her future. no matter what happens tomorrow you will be on his side.. if he understands and forget whatever happened, promise you to never open this close chapter of yours it’s fine. if he promise to respect you he is worth to be with you.
however i think dumping him would be the best option. it would be good for your future if you would maintain distance from this guy as much as possible. he is a misogynist male who doesn’t respect a woman. he views women as an object. no one wants to be with a guy who is a emotional and physical abuser.. get out of this relationship you will find a lot of guys out there..
Meredith
i don’t think anything can justify physical and mental abuse. so just get out of this relationship immediately. he doesn’t love you so there is no point if you love him.. just dump that misogynist.
Hey Sulagna, you sure have given some awesome advice to Meredith. But to be honest, all that I could remember and what stayed on to my mind after reading through her post was the fact that her BF actually tried to throttle her. No amount of love or tears in eyes can justify that behavior. Violence in intimate relationships is a real monster that can bring out its claws and nails anytime.
My advice to you Meredith is to stay safe and AVOID this fella at all costs. He has the nerve to attack you physically even before you are wedded to each other, just imagine the kind of atrocities you’ll have to put up with if you continue and go on to marry him.
Regarding “Physical Assault” , here is my answer on quora to a woman in similar condition. I am not allowed post the link, so copy pasting the answer.
Question :- My husband ……… blah blah ……………….. hurls abuses at me. Also am I just waiting to be hit by him?
Answer:
Yes, it seems that you are just waiting to be hit by him. (explained below )
I believe, probability of that being his next step is not very high. If he believed in that, he would have done it by now. But yes, it is possible. It is also possible that instead, you hit him in retaliation and frustration.
Anyway, what do I know about the guy or you ? Nothing.
I feel that the question which actually should be asking is , Why is behaving in this way ?
He may have anger management issues or may be he is just an inhuman person. You know him better. Figure that out. Instead of waiting , fix the issues or find a way so that he does not have the chance :)
You might wanna ask yourself some other questions too
Why does he not believe in discussions ?
Why is he angry ? Is he angry with you, himself or the world ?
People are not perfect. That does not mean that you have to handle their emotional traumas.
If things can be fixed with the help of some extra care, his elder siblings, parents, or therapists, I would suggest you try them.
But if you feel things are not fixable, figure out your own way to get your own peace in life.
Point 1 :-
If Meredith here feels that this guy is a “monster”, or waiting to become a “monster” – then get out now. Dont sit there, cry about being an abla naari and gain sympathy of being a poor victim. I personally believe that she is just waiting there, showing that she is silently suffering for the sake of love n all, while bringing the worst out in the guy. If she loves him, either she can help him, or leave him alone so that he can take care of himself.
Point 2 : And what all you are doing ? ( and will continue doing )
Feeling bloody good in choosing sides, finding a ‘poor helpless victim’ and then support her. Giving judgement like you are the law. Like you really know both side of the story here .
You are just trying to feel good in declaring this man a monster, a misogynist. Funny thing is, you have passed your judgement , based on a small letter . Based on that hand that touched that neck. You have got yourself a weapon, to feel good – in helping a ‘poor victim’ – in judging a ‘bad man’.
Or may be not. You look into your thoughts, and decide.
AGuy
you are constantly denying that physical assault happened. it’s not difficult to understand why are you saying that.after all you are a guy what else one can expect from you.
however i appreciate your points that you have presented above. but the thing is assault has happened. and it’s not something that she can ignore or she should ignore.
there can not be any excuse for the guy to hold her neck(in a moment of frenzy and i am sure she must be hurt). it’s simple case this is physical assault on her..
she can warn him and assess her relationship with him or she can dump him for better. if she choose to give that guy another chance she should remember in that case she can get hit..
I had similar type of situation with my ex-girlfriend, so this may be helpful for you.
We were of almost similar background types, we met as colleagues after I changed my job. We had a very serious relationship for 2 years even though we had never had sex, I didn’t want to do it till at least engagement, it was mutual decision. We were quite young too, just 25. But we had good qualifications from govt. colleges so we had good jobs. I had started meeting with her family as a friend, I had introduced her as a friend to my family, in short we had agreed to get married, we just needed to get approval from our families. In that period I didn’t pay any attention to virginity as I had assumed she was one, and I was cool with non-virginity. As we were in process of getting our families approval, we had told our close friends about our decision. One of my friend tipped me off about “disturbing thing”, cutting short I found out she had a boyfriend in college with whom she has had sex. I was blasted, when I had confirmed it, I fought with my friend out of anger. I was very angry.
I went to my closest friend’s place, after calming down I thought to work it out. But I couldn’t. Every time I thought about her same mysterious videos played in my mind, and my curiosity drove me to find “the guy”. I struggled for nearly 3 weeks, tried a lot. One moment I thought, how could she lie to me, when I had bared my soul to her ? next moment, she did it for the best. what good can come out of something in past ?
But at the end I knew, I couldn’t be with her. I never told her about all this, I just blamed it on other things. I subtly distanced myself, it involved a lot of self control on my part, when she got angry on me, I resisted to “lash out”. After 5 months, I just ended it. It involved a lot of crying on both parts, she called me all,said she will change. Her family intervened to sort us out, my family counselled me, but we separated, she changed job, removed from social network, threw my mementos on my face, I threw her.
My point: There are some guys who are cool with it, some who can work it out and some cannot, probing about past relationship will NOT help any partner in anyway. The less-exp. partner will always use other partner’s former relationship as a benchmark which will just get him worked up. Your guy definitely cannot get over it, he has physically harmed you, made you swear etc. in an intimate relationship, it will definitely escalate to physical harm. Whatsoever be the reason, situation etc. he shouldn’t have held your neck. And please don’t feel that your love is not strong enough to overcome it, love after a certain limit has noting to do with it, I loved my ex-gf a lot, even after 2,5 years, I have not pursued anyone else.
Get out of this relationship for him and for yourself, I firmly believe that no amount of work will help you both.
Leave him, you won’t be happy with him now, no amount of love etc. will change it, as for sex you have already done it with someone else before so breaking up shouldn’t be a problem, and in future relationship, tell the truth before doing it, you definitely don’t want to increase “the number” anymore especially if you live in India.
Charu,
You have the all moral, judicial and social rights to curse, abuse and say any kind of truths/lies as you seem appropriate. I wish that there were more internet users like you :)
Other Readers of this blog ::::::::::::::: Please appreciate Charu’s bravery and do reply to any of Charu’s (“non-abusive”) comments with something similar to above mentioned statement . This way, at least, that other readers wont feel abused.
Isha N & Charu,
If you believe that it was physical assault, then advice Meredith to file a police case, not to breakup. If you both and she believes that her BF tried to harm her physically, then go to police – not a to self proclaimed relationship counselor, or Anonymous man-haters on internet.
Give her the strength to do the right thing, instead of fulfilling your lust to bash at men.
If you can not tell her that, stop behaving as you believe it was physical assault.
“””But to be honest, all that I could remember and what stayed on to my mind after reading through her post was the fact that her BF actually tried to throttle her. “”
If you can understand this statement, you already know what I am trying to convey. If you can not, there is no point in further argumentation.
I end this physical assault topic from my side with this.
For all we know, Meredith is just a fragment of Sulagna’s imagination to increase page hits on her blog. I have better things to do.
Girls, enjoy your passing judgments and feeling good.
Other anonymous posters,
I do not know how these anonymous fights are helping you in anyway. May be it is a vent out for your frustration and anger – but, realize, that its not a healthy vent out. You will only find women filled with hatred of men or self-proclaimed chivalrous men — which will in turn increase your bitterness towards women and the social bias.
Stop replying again and again around the same old topics. If you think, some thing else can be done to help men in these situations, do reach me at my mail id – and we can figure things out.
AGuy
I never said that I am the higher moral authority. I never abused anyone only spoke truth. It’s just there are too many guys on this thread for whom women are just a commodity, I was and am shocked to read you guys comments and thinking towards us while there are no one here who can take side with the right thing…
you don’t need to taunt me or infuriate people to target me they are already targeting me and Isha for taking a right stand.. :)
you are right when you say we should advise Meredith to call police and file charges. But the thing is It would be almost impossible to prove the charges here in this case and also would create problems for her. So I didn’t advise her to file complaints..
Once again we are not man haters and lusty for the power which comes with bashing men(It’s just in your mind).. saying the truth about you guys. and obviously you are not liking it..
Its not about a categorized male but its general (at least in India) No male can take her girl’s past (specifically physical intimacy with past love) normally.
If the guy loves the girl he will come back each time he hurts the girl recalling her past.He does not wish to loose her. If the girl too loves the guy she will calm him out when he starts loosing track and starts going bizarre talking about her past. Its a phase every loving male gets over. It might take a lot of time but drawing conclusions that the male is abusive and aggressive is completely wrong. Its the feeling of ownership which every men look for and if past comes in between (which he knows is not irreplaceable ) he will express agony by hurting his partner ( at times physically too) If the female knows he is the right man ( minus when past hits his head) she needs to calm him down by enchanting her love for him and requesting him to forget the past.
Love happens !! Its there to remain and it depends on us if we wish to remain patient and not loose the one who is eager to own us.
“If there’s true commitment, it’s possible that your boyfriend would change his views in order to accept you.” and I thought people in arrange marriages forced their bad qualities on each other.
Ask him to break up it will save him for life.