I’ve been married for three years. It was an arranged marriage. At a very early stage I’d started suspecting that my wife had had sex before marriage. This disturbed me deeply and we’ve had innumerable discussions about this since then.
We live with my parents. Recently others in the family eavesdropped on us and unfortunately managed to listen in on some of our private conversations regarding this issue, i.e. her experience of sex before marriage. This was deeply humiliating and painful for both of us.
My father has recently taunted her with this overheard info first time in three years. I can’t tell you how guilty I feel.
At the same time I can’t drive away the visions of her having sex before marriage with another man. I find myself wondering about the details like how she managed to have sex before marriage with anyone in a small town, how deeply in love she must’ve been to have disregarded the most important family restriction, whether she gave him farewell sex etc.
She hasn’t confessed anything about any sex before marriage to this date in spite of my insistence. Whenever I ask her anything about this she gives vague replies, urging me to move on and look at the future instead of the past. I’d expressed intentions of joining Facebook and connecting with her batch mates in the hope of finding out about her past and whether she had sex before marriage. She vehemently opposed this and refused to give away even the names of her classmates. Incidentally, one of her friends visited us and hinted that my wife is “not as simple as she pretends to be”.
As of today I’ve planned to post questions about her past relationship(s) in the confessions page of her school. I’ve let her know of my intentions. This has made her very nervous and disturbed. Ironically, me too.
In spite of what all this might suggest, I love her. Genuinely. Please help me.
-Anonymous
Photo by banzainetsurferSex before marriage? Don’t dwell on it
Normally I would tell you to close your eyes, take a deep breath and let it go. Usually you achieve nothing by finding out the details of your spouse’s sex-life before he/she met you. That kind of probing is guaranteed to make any relationship worse.
However, there’s another aspect to this in your case.
You’ve mentioned one of her friends has tried dropping you hints about her past. The only way knowing everything about one’s spouse’s past life can help is in tackling nosy outsiders like this friend, eager to spill the beans and laugh as the two of you shred your married life to pieces. That’s something you have a right to protect yourself against.
So the middle ground here is to know only as much as is necessary, and in this case you have a right to demand that information from your wife.
What you need to know about sex before marriage
Have an open discussion with her. Tell her first that you love her as she is, and that you have realized that finding out intricate details about her past life is not going to help your relationship. So you don’t want to know any details.
This will put her at ease.
Then mention to her that, at the same time you don’t want to receive info about her past life from outsiders and look like a fool. Between the two of you, you might have issues (every couple has). But to outsiders, you must put up a joint front – you must look like one inseparable unit. Hence you need to know at least what others know – i.e. basics like how many past relationships she’s been in, how many of them she’s had sex with and who was the last. Emphasize that you don’t want to know any details. This would increase her trust in you manifold.
Believe me Anon, you do not need to know any more than this to ward off well-meaning hints and suggestions from outsiders.
At the same time you must promise (her and yourself) never to entertain these advances from outsiders.
How to tackle “sex before marriage” blackmailers
What does not entertaining their advances mean?
Photo by VishalSinghxIt would mean the following:
- When someone hints to you that they can give you info about your wife’s past life, the first thing you should do is change the topic and discretely make it clear that you don’t want to discuss your wife’s private life with them. Yes, I know it will be difficult to overcome your urges of curiosity in such situations but youhave to do it for the sake of your relationship.
- If they persist, you might even have to tell that to them in as many words. Tell them, “If there’s anything you want to tell me about my wife, you needn’t, ’cause I already know everything about her. And I’m sure if you had to choose whom to trust between your spouse and anyone else, you’d choose your spouse. Me too. :).” That should kill their excitement as they realize you’re not going to believe anything they say.
- In the rarest of rare cases, if they directly give you unsolicited information about your wife in spite of your lack of interest, you should stay calm and just say, “I already know the truth”, without confirming whether you believe them or not. (If they’re telling you the truth, they should get the impression that you already know it. If they’re making up lies they should get the impression that you can see through them.)
Sex before marriage is a private issue
Coming to the question of your parents’ reaction – you should remember that your wife is living with your parents. It’s she who’s moved to a new home and made a new family her own, not them. Hence it’s your responsibility to make sure she doesn’t receive unwarranted treatment from them. You have to make it very clear to your parents and the rest of your family that you and your wife respect them and have responsibilities towards them, but your private life is yours. And their interference in it is entirely unwelcome.
Spouses might have the right to ask each other private questions. Their parents and extended families have absolutely none.
But each Indian family works in its own complicated way (don’t take it personally, I know “we’re like that only”;)). I understand it might be impossible for you to convey this to your parents in as many words. If that’s the case, tell them politely (not in front of your wife, of course) that if they have any questions about your wife, they can ask you, not her, and not in front of her.
Let me know what action you took.
All the best. :)
I believe-one must totally forget about the past. Whether its with reference to relationships, personal life, career etc. I think v can generalize this… [ i.e “one needs to totally forget about the past.”]
If the past tense is unpleasant, there is no point in cribbing & whining about it as no one cares in this fast paced world.
If d past is pleasant , no one will b interested in listening to u (u boasting/bragging about ur rosy past).
Whatever has happened in the past, one must totally get it out of their system as quickly as possible. It makes no sense in carrying emotional baggage & unloading it every now & then whenever u get d time n opportunity 2 do so.
Once again, like always, it’s an excellently written article focusing on the solutions & making life of today’s generation less complicated…
Swapnil, you’re right.
The point you’ve made is unique – one must move on from the past irrespective of whether it’s rosy or bleak.
Moving on from an unhappy past should be easy. But innumerable people spend their lives brooding about how great things were in the “good old days”. What do you suggest for getting out of this mindset?
According to me , if i were to marry someone, that person should make all things in the past clear to me. By this, i will trust her. I will accept her wholeheartedly . And this will not lead to any future conflicts in our relationship. But, if she lies to me about her past and later i come to know these things I will never ever forgive her. It’s my perspective i like people who are truthful.
yeah I agree to you!!
Dear friend,
In my opinion, you should not recall the past again and again. Whatever has happened is past. Recalling the same thing will give more pain to all of you. Instead let it set aside and go ahead. ‘Trust’ is the heart of marriage. So, have faith in your spouse. Give her confidence that you still have faith in her. When she will come to know that her husband still believes in her, she will be astonished and no third party can damage your relations. At the same time it is an immense important that you should remain loyal to her. It should not happen that “u did it so i did it”. Remember an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind. So, trust her and told her that whatever had happened should not damage your relations. And I agree whatever posted in above cmnts that others shouldnot make space in between you.
Thanks.
Couldn’t agree more with you on the points of revenge leading to a complete breakdown of the marriage and trust redeeming it.
Thanks for dropping by. :)
However hard one might try, he/she will find himself invariably going back in2 d flash back of life getting into – “I wish… , What if… ” etc types of thoughts… Its important to make sure one does not get into the destructive territory(if it is not possible to be constructive).
If d incident has really stung u hard then no amount of talking/counselling will b of much help(d person will feel he/she has heard/read everything – a case of saturation).
AVOID getting into d DESTRUCTIVE zone for oneself or others.
Revenge (people might suggest it) can b a form of getting back or an outflow of anger… But I would suggest just stay away from negativity & go with the flow of life for some time. If one has witnessed a lot of chaos in life already then trying d revenge theory may help d person 2 land up in a much tighter spot.
With the passage of time, memories fade away-whether they r good or bad. In d mean while try to indulge in ur favorite harmless hobbies or ‘time-pass’ activities. Listening to music, short vacation etc could b a few options… If u have friends/relatives(which is rare nowadays) who can talk 2 u about miscellaneous interesting issues n help u 2 get distracted-then there is every reason for u 2 feel blessed.
Hi , Let me tell you something , Just leave it and go, do not ask anymore questions and put the girl in more trouble. I found my ex-wife has a relation with someone after our marriage, I trusted her and sent her to work in south Africa, while i was in the US . One day i got see a email conversation, and i found out she had a relationship. Even after knowing that, i excused her and urged her to live with me, Sex is a matter of 10 minutes thing. Because you had sex with some one, it does not mean you love them . Please let this go, forget this thing or else it will destroy your family life !! Good luck !!
Hi Anonymous,
You have to move on. Nothing good will come out of knowing your spouse’s past life.
You can’t have a stable marriage while harboring such feeling. Imagine how badly it will
mess up your kids on witnessing others questioning their mother’s virtue.
It is up to you how to move on? Either you will stay in this marriage or walk out of it.
If it had been former you would have already done that, but it seems you really love her.
If you want to save this marriage you can’t have doubts. This feeling will slowly eat away
your love and then it will be too late, don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to,
don’t put your love to test. Whatever is your decision you have to be headstrong.
“It is up to you how to move on? Either you will stay in this marriage or walk out of it.” The most rational approach to this problem is this. Once you decide you love someone so much that you want to spend your life with them, you must promise, once and for all, to let the past remain in the past.
Thanks for the valuable inputs Gaurav. :)
I so agree with this, this can become a fixed point in the man’s mind that he can only view his wife through this lens of betrayal… however, the TRUTH is you don’t know that this is true, because she didn’t seem to resist or have problems with sex, or that she seemed more comfortable with her body than you were with yours. This does not mean sex with another. If she’s honorable in all things, then why would you doubt her, and choose to believe some other persons story? You are not married to that person, and anyone on the planet can comment or read your posts and if they want to add to your troubles, they can post terrible things in response. And then you have to live with that too.
Honest inquiry cannot happen under accusatory comments. If you have already decided in your mind, “she’s guilty” no matter what she says, you use that power, take that power, punish her, and punish her in your mind. It becomes something between you, that never rests. As you said, when you think of her, you are running all your inner movies about what she did with other MEN, now it becomes more than one.
This is going no where good. In truth, consider the following:
* Has she been honorable in all things
* Is she respectful of your family and you
* Is she honest with you in all things?
* Is she comfortable with her body, relaxed and confident?
* When she says this is not the truth to you, why don’t you believe her?
* Finally, can you relax and have intercourse with her now or has this destroyed that as well?
Ask yourself, are these the makings of my own mind?
What do I want to achieve here?
Is my lack of trust in her going to cause us more problems?
Is it damaging any developing love ?
Arranged Marriages are like good contracts, if the rules are properly laid in place, and everyone knows what is expected then trust, companionship, transparency, honor, values, life dreams, the direction of the marriage, support of each other, and eventually love and compassion.
If you have not placed the marriage contract in a “held harmless” place before you began this attack on your life partner, then you might be heading towards some very big disappointments.
I can’t think how hard it would be to be in a relationship with someone that is supposed to have your back and take care of you, and to not trust them, not trust them enough to challenge them at the core of their being and call them a liar and then seek to prove it so, through humiliating them,
You will never win at this, suggesting:
you must first forgive your suspecting mind,
Forgive yourself for hurting her and causing her disappointment in you
Forgive yourself for the threatening challenges you were going to give her
Then ultimately forgive yourself completely.
Then start again on a new level and set honor, and respect and trust as your three key posts. One of the writers here said sex is the smallest portion of your marriage.
Forgive yourself for doubting her, questioning her, and reset your marriage.
Go to your family and especially your mother and tell her you were mistaken and you are both renewing your marriage and starting fresh.
They must respect her, or you will never feel like you have honored your family. If they see their son, anchored with a terrible wife, they will all be sick about it. Mothers worry, and often they worry the fathers.
You started this you must now repair it everywhere, for she cannot.
Thanks so much for your lovely comment Kathy… we really needed the other viewpoint for balance. :)
Your comment is the only one which I think is helpful and practical. I am in the same situation married for 8 months now. I admit that I didn’t trusted a third person on her past, and he was telling the truth he gave me proof and when I checked, I ended up with same result. Part of why I trusted that third person is that we had been in contact for just 7 months. She had 1 guy before me but they were really in an intense relationship for 6 years, they lived together for last 2 years, they couldn’t marry for a lot of family issues on both sides. I found out that he even accompanied her to a surgeon to get hymenoplasty done. She asked me about my sudden change and I told her everything, she broke into tears. I analysed the points which you have given above:
-first 2 points are clear
-he still hasn’t told me the whole picture from her side ( even though I know it ), she said that she knew him just for 2 years etc.
-after I have countered her we both are always nervous around each other, she is just like a house of cards and starts crying randomly, I proudly say that I have never used any derogatory words or used any physical force.
-for this I have already said curiosity + low trust
-this is a big big NO, from the start of our marriage she is always the one who is reluctant to do it, I was virgin and I was excited for my first time etc. and after the revelation my drive has become zero, I have a busy work schedule but I managed it very well because I could concentrate on my work but now I have to work at home too, the remaining time I am swirling about her and her ex, I just saw a news that a married woman ran away with her ex after 6 years of marriage, and I started to picture myself in that thing, I have gotten a little paranoid over this, I am always imagining worst for myself, that she may be thinking I am awful in bed due to my lack of experience compared to her etc. I once was on the verge of telling her to go sleep with her ex. and stop bothering me.
Even though she tells me that it is over and she no longer loves him etc. and her past is past. I have given up any hope of love from her side but I want her to be honest with me at least, I have just started doing as much work as possible, I do all making my breakfast, lunch box, doing the clothes, getting stuff, paying for bills, getting car serviced. Even though she stops me but I do it to distract myself from my thoughts of her and her ex. I am writing at this hour because today I am having one of many sleepless nights, I will “wake up” at 5:00 do all the stiff and leave at 8:00. She has asked me to talk to her, tell her what is wrong and spill it all out but I fell embarrassed by my thoughts, I just tell her its nothing and another round of crying-one-sided-fight-consolation ( my part) happens. I still like her ( or maybe love her ) a lot and things like cheating doesn’t feel right to me. I cannot divorce her, even though I will be aright, my parents aren’t rich but I do have a very good high paying job so there is not much “assets” on my record currently. I will even get another girl in the arrange marriage market. But her family is the orthodox one, they have a big joint family with her both grandparents and her numerous siblings they all are a good lot and I cannot be so cold that I just dump her like that.
I now donot aim for her love now, time for that has gone, just companionship, honesty and some trust. I have spent all my years quenching my desires due to my family conditions, I am good at it. I am no love guru who knows how to woo girls, I am just simple in that regard, most I did was giving her a rose in the morning on our first one month anniversary, making breakfast for her, getting her an expensive jewellery for gift hidden with clues in the house while I was at half day office. Her ex did a lot for her, he got her a 5 foot card, they went to vacations etc.
I want to erase my thoughts and get back to my old self, to have at least honesty now. Some times I even wonder of getting divorce from her give her all my money, get her married to her ex and kill myself.
anonymous
she is not being honest with you as you said she told you about only 2 years. you don’t expect love from her and unable to love her.. and what you wrote in last para.. my god!!!
i have to say you are an idiot. don’t try to be perfect neither you are nor you will be. either love her help her to forget everything what happened in past. do what you can to make it work or divorce her. don’t make your and her life miserable. yes by sticking to marriage you are not helping her. it’s true that divorce will not help her too.
and wow what a perfect son- in-law you are.. stupid.
try to make things work or quit. and in last sorry for that stupid and idiot remark, but you deserved it..
anonymous
as you accepted that she is honorable towards you and your family, what is the problem now that she accepted her past. you neither seek divorce nor a happy marriage it seems. she is over her past and not love her boyfriend, isn’t enough for you to accept her???
you are being cruel to not satisfying her sexual urges, by working at home too,
by not communicating with her and by treating her like trash as she is nothing after having sex with her boyfriend.
what is it if a girl have sex with someone? you are being unreasonable..
don’t show or think about yourself as someone like you are perfect. stop being cruel to her and have some shame for pain you have caused her..
Isha, it is not necessary that all will have a mind set like you. Sex before or outside marriage may not be acceptable to all. If either of them had sex they should have revealed it before marriage and then they could decide to tie the knot or not.
In this case, i would say if she’s not in contact with the person she had affair with and she is guilty for her past and wana forget n move ahead with you then u must support her. As u have said, she loves and respects u n ur family that is what is more important for ur relationship.
Well I don’t know about you, but divorcing is NOT an option for neither of us. Let’s assume we divorce, firstly this not US that we just file in family court, case hearing in a week divorced by the evening. This is India, just saying divorce our families will jump in and we will be forced to fight a legal case in court which will drag for min. 5 years, we both will be in our 30s by that time, even if we divorce by mutual consent then also after marriage we both won’t be able to marry, chances of re marriage as a divorce are very very bleak. Also we will have an added social taboo on our families, I am only child, but she lives in joint family and suffice to say, her status will affect her sisters marriage a lot. She will face lot more problems than me. Overall it is a loss-loss situation for both of us, divorcing will only make our lives worse.
As for isha n, firstly I work a lot so I can engage myself whenever I am free, her ex and she zoom in my mind, which exhausts me up, I started developing itching in my head due to intense stress. So I work like a machine, to keep free of these thoughts, other option is alcohol but I don’t like it. She SAYS she is over her bf, but how can she, they were together for 6 years, lived together for two, they went to vacations, Hill stations, beaches, etc. he did so many things for her, big cards etc. and they didn’t break up, they didn’t marry just for family reasons. He was a romantic guru, his body is much better than mine, I am just plain guy no muscles, I spent all my teenage years studying to get a job.
As of now I have told her do anything literally anything, just son’t bother me. She is free to rekindle with her ex, I have taken a job nightmare, I spend half of my day at office, have to work on holidays but the pay is very good, it is the best I can do.
Any ways thanks for replying to me.
Anonymous
it’s sad that you are torturing your wife for no reason. she is married to you and entitled to have a good and normal life. but you are denying her basic necessity.. love, care,sex a normal relationship that exists between a couple. she said that she is over from her past and that’s why she get married to you. you should respect that and if you don’t then divorce her.
don’t be so egoistic for nothing. live and let live..
I was sorry to read of your anguish over your wife’s past. I am American and this situation is not the taboo it is in India. I wanted to try to assure you that I do not even remember things with the men I was with before my husband. I love him so much and he is what I think about being with now. It is very possible that those men are a very distant and fuzzy memory and it in no way affects her love for you and her desire to build a future for you. Her joy is with you now and I am sure she regrets anything she did and it is sad for her to discuss. I wish you every happiness and hope you can find peace with your wife.
Thanks a lot for your supportive words KF.
Indian mores and orthodox ways of life are sure to come across as totally alien and unheard of to those unfamiliar with the culture. Sadly that’s the reality for most Indians. These ideas and beliefs are unnatural and run counter to the concepts of freedom, individual autonomy etc. Unfortunately we don’t realize how holding on to such centuries old ideas cripples no one but ourselves.
Thanks again for commenting. :)
I’m not completely sure you should take this lightly. What if the ex comes back and boos you and tries to create trouble for the two of you?
No one understands the husband’s pain when he discovers such things. And in this case the guy loves her.
You’ve raised a very pertinent question Sammy, which has already been answered in the post. (Refer to the part where we talk about ways to deal with outsiders who try to blackmail the family blowing this issue out of proportion.)
I wouldn’t judge anyone. You choose your partner as per your preferences, there are no right or wrong ways of defining a criteria list – it’s your criteria list.
But unfortunately issues like sex before marriage – which are of such utmost importance to some – go unmentioned during the partner finalization process (I’m of course talking about arranged marriages). If this issue is of importance to someone it’s imperative that they have a private discussion with the prospective partner before marriage and request them to cancel it from their side if they have had sex before marriage. The tragedy here is the guy didn’t know before marriage that his wife was not a virgin.
In the end that’s what this comes down to. You have three options:
1. Clear up the matter before marriage and don’t marry someone you have a problem with.
2. Divorce if you find out something after marriage which is unacceptable to you.
3. Stay and let go if you find out something after marriage which is unacceptable to you.
What is seriously unhealthy and should be discouraged at all costs is torturing yourself and your spouse indefinitely over something you can’t change.
It is one of the worst marriage situations..First it is NOT wrong for you to know about her past, but her reluctance emerges because she lacks trust about your reaction,way of interpretation of the fact. Don’t bluntly as questions, reassure her that you will not leave her whatever be the situation. She fears to loose you, it is a positive sign that she values you a lot as a part of her life. Once she is comfortable she will eventually confide everything to you. Also try to keep your parents out of this matter, being an Indian myself I know about the mindset of indian parents, they will not take to this lightly this can cause strain between your parents and your in-laws further catalyzing your wife’s insecurities.
Handle it calmly and it will generate immense love and respect from your wife to you.
REMEMBER: You have right to know as much as your wife wants to know. Salvaging information from other sources will definitely lead you to destruction. The other guy may try to boast,take revenge etc. it will destroy your marriage.
Donot dwell on her past, as for the images of your wife with other man there is no way to just let go. Give you best,
A short story:
Two monks were crossing a river they saw a beautiful women trying to get past, the older one helped her in crossing the river. After some time the younger monk said “As monks we are not allowed to interact with women then why did you hung her up?” with a little annoyance.The older monk replied “I left her a the river however you still seem to be carrying her in your mind”.
Very pertinent points Siday. I loved the story at the end.
Most important is the point that you have the right to know as much as she’s willing to let you know.
Thanks Siday. :)
its not wife letu know willingly.. its the right for him as well as the wife to be honest with each other and not lie. this is the most important nothing else matters most. she is lying and its evident u cant ignore this and it shows her lack of commitment and trust and love. she does not come clean in the relationship,, you need to understand this.. you just can’t shield her.. every strong relationship starts with truth not lying . dont turn ur back on this..
Hi
I think its a general trend nowadays when most guys and girls in India get indulged in pre-marital sex. Many girls, out of trust makes sex with guys who assure them that they will get married. In most cases they get engaged, have many sexual encounters and when the guy gets satisfied he makes excuses for marriage and leave her alone in misery. Nowadays most girls stay away from home in metro/cosmo cities either for their studies or work. Here there is nobody from their family to guide them and so they get misled on and carried away by their emotions and end up being a sex puppet in the hands of some guy.
If a guy who had never had sex before marriage and finds out or believes that his wife has betrayed him, its the biggest shock of his life. A man who has preserved his manhood till marriage will never tolerate his wife not having saved her virginity. He is the victim of her wife’s betrayal and deserves serious apology from her.
Regarding the family strcuture breaking down due to the demands of modern life – I completely agree. Girls who’ve been brought up in strictly orthodox families suddently taste freedom when they start earning/move out of the family home for work or education. That can drive them to utilize their freedom and experiment a little. At a young and inexperienced age, this can lead to unintended consequences like you’ve mentioned. They key is for parents to talk to their children in detail about the realities of the outside worlds before they send them into it, so that the children can protect themselves under all circumstances.
About the topic of how the issue of pre-marital sex should be dealt with if discovered post marriage – well we’ll just have to have a difference of opinion here Dushyant. As you can understand, the dragging out of this issue can cause nothing but prolonged and intense emotional stress for both partners. If the partners love each other and want to stay together in spite of the new discovery, they’ll have to close the door on the past and move one. As for apologies – I think the lady here in question has done more than her fair bit (even though I personally believe the only apology the Anon has a right to demand here is the one for not telling him about the premarital sex before the marriage took place, which deprived him of the opportunity of reconsidering his decision). Refusing to let up and continuing to blame each other over this issue will only ensure pain for both.
@loveinindia: not only she deprived him the chance to choose and taking the right decision that would had made his relationship withher strong. but also she is not being truthful to him . she is giving him vague replies and not coming out in clean..
You are in a very tragic(Yes tragic) situation. Everyone has basic expectations from their marriage and spouse arrange marriage or anything. Being a virgin yourself you have every right to expect your wife to be same, it is not wrong or narrow-mindedness just your way of seeing. Lying about such a thing is very shameful. I am not judging her virtues or categorizing her as “un-pure” or something. Having consensual pre-martial sex is one’s own choice and one has to bear its consequences, it is not wrong. Hiding truth to escape rejection ,humiliation etc. is wrong and a very cowardly way to face it. She should have found someone who is cool with it. It is unfair to you, it is a fact. You may feel inferior, very jealous, angry, deceived etc. these feelings are natural in such a situation and they are nothing to be ashamed of. Your reaction is also quite predictable a lot of people will react in this way or perhaps much more aggressively. Remember you haven’t done anything wrong.
You can continue this marriage but you have clear out some facts. IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO RESTORE IT TO LEVEL OF AN ORDINARY HAPPY MARRIAGE BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE. It involves a lot of work from both of you. You have to try to focus on positive points the more you think of your wife’s first lover the more frustrated you will become. Nor it will just sweep away like just “let go”. Try to build your self as confident person, marriage is a big part of life not life. Try to spend as much time with your wife as possible, talk with her in good mood. Constant bugging to reveal things will end up nowhere fruitful. Reinforce your trust in her, talk highly of her among friends/coworkers. Find a middle groung for the time being She is YOUR wife, degrading her status is indirectly degrading yourself. Quit moaning, whining in front of her. (Secret tip: Donot let her feel that your world revolves around her). Nobody likes criticizers. She also must make effort NEVER EVER SHE SHOULD COMPARE YOU AND HER EX. She has to reinforce your torn ego. Taunts from her friends are not at all acceptable.
Turning a blind eye, shelling up will exhaust her and she too will stop her ways to rekindle your marriage. It is very hard to “move-on” and please donot try cheating on her. One post already says “Eye for an eye will make world blind”. Once you have sorted this out never bring this up in future spats, or it will renew the deep cuts. Never you this as an excuse for any wrongdoing on your part. Communicate, clarify and commit.
Or leave it all and seek divorce if you are able to cope up. But I strongly oppose this, divorces in Indian society are very humiliating for both.
It is your life you know best how to deal with it.
Life is what you make it.
“Hiding the truth to escape rejection, humiliation etc. is bad..” While theoretically speaking you’re right, knowing the practical reality of India, I’m afraid I’d have to have a difference of opinions with you here. Anon here has not made it clear whether he’d explicitly asked this question to the girl/her family before marriage. If not – and I’m sure you’d agree – the girl would hardly have had any reason to take the initiative to convey this info to the guy. Unless the guy had asked this question specifically, she had no way of knowing how particular he was about this issue.
Think of it from the girl’s perspective. With the vilification of premarital sex of the Indian society, would it have been safe for her to tell a prospective groom about her past? What if the guy announces it to her family and walks away from the relationship? What kind of consequences do you think the girl can expect, from her own family and society? How easy do you think it would be for her family to get a guy for her subsequently?
Given the realities of our society, if a guy is too particular about his wife’s virginity pre-marriage, the onus lies on him to find out the truth without hurting the girl’s dignity. Here’s a suggestion for how you should go about it.
At a very initial stage, find a way to have a discussion with the girl alone. Tell her, “Marriage is a life-altering decision. I believe we should have a clear understanding with each other before such a decision is made. I’m sure you understand the gravity of the mistake that would be committed if such an important decision is taken on the basis of incomplete information. Given this context, I want you to know that there are certain things which are unacceptable to me in my wife. I respect your privacy, hence I won’t ask you any questions about these aspects. I’ll just tell you what these factors are and request you to cancel the marriage from your side (telling you don’t like me) if any of this is true for you. The list goes:
1. She should not smoke/drink…
2. She should not be a non-vegetarian…
3. She should be a virgin at the time of marriage… ”
The list here is just an example (I’m by no means supporting or opposing the values espoused here). The point here is, provide her a list instead of a single criterion like virginity, so that her privacy is protected. (If she cancels the marriage you’d know ONE of the factors was valid, without knowing which one.)
I’m sure you understand, as one of the several prospective grooms the girl would meet in the process of her arranged marriage, you have no right to ask for private info like whether she’s a virgin. However, you have a right to cancel the marriage if she doesn’t satisfy your criteria (which, in this case, includes virginity). The only way to protect both her rights and yours is through mature and respectful dialogue, like I’ve suggested here.
what do you mean he should have specifically asked her? he asked her after marriage and he got lies… why are you not seeing that? and you give a long list of do’s and dont’s for girls that a guy and his family expect but you are forgeting that this list is also applicable for guys. and when guys fulfill these list only then alliance get fixed. i am sorry but you are being biased.
:)
I’m sorry, you’ve misunderstood. Asking before marriage could’ve made a crucial difference. Gleaning the info before marriage wouldn’t averted this marriage and saved two (may be more) lives. That’s the difference.
As for the lying post-marriage – as I said in an earlier comment, the post (or any of the comments) is not meant for passing a moral judgement on the situation. It’s about finding practical solutions.
Let’s assume, as you’ve suggested, I told him, “Your wife is lying to you. That’s bad.” How is that going to help him? How is he going to be able to put that information to use? He can’t.
And as for the do’s and don’ts for the guy – that’s very simple really. :) I’ve given do’s and don’t for him, and not for his wife, because he has asked me for help, not his wife. :) It doesn’t make sense for me to tell him what his wife should do, because what she would do is not under his control. Hence that information is irrelevant to him. He wants to improve his relationship (as is evident from the fact that he’s written to me). He only needs to know what he can do to make it happen. Because what others will do is not under his control. :)
i am in awe with you.. you are amazing. you are very good with words. I’m not. Well…words can be our great friend when it comes to proving a point, can’t they? ;)
In this case it’s very clear that the wife is at fault, because she is being dishonest. yes whatever you said is right (at some extent) that he should think about future. but i think he needs to think about present too(he is pestering his wife to accept the truth and his wife is a big time liar). you said “he only needs to know what he can do to make it happen” and i think it would start with when he would ask his wife to come out clean. it would be the first and most important part of their marriage to take off.
Where is the like button :)
you should look into all of your comments. you are consistently saying the same thing that you should let go and you and many others emphasized on this that you should let go. as you said if i say that “your wife is lying and its bad.” you said i want to suggest him the practical solutions because that’s why he is here. you are right he is asking for solutions. but dont you think that it would start when his wife would accept the truth. you are suggesting him to avoid the dishonesty he faced and start again. but how would he do this when his wife is not ready to be truthful.. you are not providing the practical solutions for him in fact if he skip the first step of knowing the truth his life would not be better. he should not try half baked advice of yours.
Anurag,
I agree with you that telling the guy “to let go” sounds like the biggest bullshit !! Sorry , author – but it does sound like that.
The guy may be has done no wrong . One will find it unreasonable , illogical and unfair for people to tell the guy to make an effort instead of the girl.
But Anurag, as you said
“but how would he do this when his wife is not ready to be truthful” This is what this post is about. How and what would the guy do – dis-regarding of what his wife is or is not doing ? Keep the wife out of picture for 10 minutes , Forget about fair-unfair , right-wrong , moral-immoral – and then ask yourselves what the guy would do, if he wants this relationship to work. Now , tell me , what would be your practical solution ?
aGuy
i am not saying that guy should not try further to make things work or he should punish his wife. i am just saying you can’t clap with one hand but yes you can try and may be it work.. may be..
dis-regarding of what his wife is doing or not what he should do then i would say he should go for divorce. this can be a practical solution..
and if we forget moral-immoral, right and wrong and truth and lie then he should give more and more chances to his wife so that he can be with his genuine love forever as he said..
aguy
and yes i am not pointing out pre-martial relationship of the wife to be ground for divorce.. its her dishonesty even after three years of marriage where no one is the obstacle like @loveinindia said in her comments society and her family are the obstacles..
aguy
i am not saying he should not give further chances to his wife or shouldn’t let go.
if guy keep out his wife from the picture and think rationally.. and like as you said “Forget about fair-unfair , right-wrong , moral-immoral ” and think how he should come out of this problem and keep alive the relationship as he said “he genuinely loves her”.. ten he should give her wife more chances and keep hoping that she would change that she would be truthful from now on.. he should not give up even she doesn’t reciprocate.. one day he will get the true love.. at least he can hope. its much better option than being in loveless and suffocating marriage..
“he should go for divorce. this can be a practical solution..” Agree it is one of the solutions, not an easy one – yeah but thats one choice
I believe that both hidden pre-martial relationship and dishonesty after marriage can be ground for divorce. But one would check with lawyers first before believing me ;)
“he should not give up even she doesn’t reciprocate.. one day he will get the true love.. at least he can hope. its much better option than being in loveless and suffocating marriage..”
:) thats one choice – of hoping against his instincts – it wont be easy, yeah but thats one choice
Thanks for sharing, Anurag. Would like to connect with you more directly.
Thanks for your insights… As a policy using links within comments is not allowed on this site. However you’re free to use them linked to your comment name, as you have. :)
You are in a tight spot. Firstly it is very bad for your wife to lie about such an important thing before marriage, she knew that you wouldn’t marry her if you knew about her past, you were robbed of your choice, it is a very shameful thing. Ask her what would be her reaction if you were in her shoes also replying to just forget the past while her friends are openly giving hints about her intimate past is a very stupid solution. I an very sorry that you are married to such a person. Every =one has bad experiences but hiding them from your fiance to end up married is bad,
You should think rationally and ask yourself. Can you let go,can you accept a person who deceived you into marriage? If yes then you should try and work out thhingss make the best of everything.
If not divorce her holding grudge will guarantee contnued pain for both.
And please donot plan children until you have everything propery sorted out. I know in our country divorcess are not socially acceptable. I would recommend trying to sort out things, If she even has least amount of self-esteem she will try to be honest towards you.
Donot think of revenge, it will blow up your marrriage.
“It is very bad for your wife to lie about such an important thing before marriage.” While theoretically speaking you’re right, knowing the practical reality of India, I’m afraid I’d have to have a difference of opinions with you here.
Think of it from the girl’s perspective. With the vilification of premarital sex of the Indian society, would it have been safe for her to tell a prospective groom about her past? What if the guy announces it to her family and walks away from the relationship? What kind of consequences do you think the girl can expect, from her own family and society? How easy do you think it would be for her family to get a guy for her subsequently?
Given these considerations, here’s a suggestion for all guys who’re particular about their wife’s virginity pre-marriage:
At a very initial stage, find a way to have a discussion with the girl alone. Tell her, “Marriage is a life-altering decision. I’m sure you realize the importance of having a clear understanding with each other before such a decision is made. Hence I want you to know that there are certain things which are unacceptable to me in my wife. I respect your privacy, hence I won’t ask you any questions about these aspects. I’ll just tell you what these factors are and request you to cancel the marriage from your side (telling you don’t like me) if any of this is true for you. The list goes:
1. She should not smoke/drink…
2. She should not be a non-vegetarian…
3. She should be a virgin at the time of marriage… ”
The list here is just an example. The point here is, provide her a list instead of a single criterion like virginity, so that her privacy is protected. (If she cancels the marriage you’d know ONE of the factors was valid, without knowing which one.)
I’m sure you understand, as one of the several prospective grooms the girl would meet in the process of her arranged marriage, you have no right to ask for private info like whether she’s a virgin. However, you have a right to cancel the marriage if she doesn’t satisfy your criteria (which, in this case, includes virginity). The only way to protect both her rights and yours is through mature and respectful dialogue, like I’ve suggested here.
Firstly great way. Regarding social consequences our society does not accept premartial sex then she should not have done it she had it with CONSENT the guy in the situation refrained. She has to take responsibility for her actions her PAST IS A PART OF HER, it is a product of her actions. Everything in her past was result of her will.
Even after marriage she is not truthful this guy is getting hints off her wife’s intimate past from her friends!!!! This guy really really loves her that he is trying to work out even after all this.
Yes she and her family might have escaped consequences but she has “trapped” this poor guy and herself in a lifelong relationship of hurt. Think about their kids(if they stupidly think of having any). And after reading your answer the guy will think what if he had read something like this,everyday.
First of all, as I said I’m not sure she can be said to have “trapped” the guy into this marriage because telling the truth might have been practically impossible for her, knwoing our society (Check my reply above).
Secondly, “Everything in her past was result of her will.” – This is not true at all. Living in the Indian society, let us not pretend that a young girl born in a conservative family (like the ones being discussed here) has the power to decide her fate. For example, may be she’d have married her earlier boyfriend (who she slept with) if she had the power to exercise her own will. May be she was forced to break up with him and have an arranged marriage. May be three lives (hers, her current husband’s and the ex-boyfriend’s) could’ve been saved if there wasn’t a forced marriage. We don’t know.
However, as I said, given the arranged marriage scenario which is the sad reality of many a helpless young Indian, the only way accidents like this can be avoided is by open but mutually respectful discussions between the boy and the girl before marriage, as I’ve suggested above.
Whatever be the case the guy who she married was the last person in the loop, he hadn’t committed anything against her, and please we all know that even though parents of girl pressurize to marry her, an educated guy who approaches for an arrange marriage will run off even if she drops a small hint of her non-approval of marriage. If the girl was from a very old background then she shouldn’t have fallen in love, bluntly reject a guy first time he approaches. If you do grow your back, run away, lock up your parents, or try to find a guy who is cool with her past. Most probable case ( almost 90%), the guy had dumped her after his fun, she cried, read some article on net about fresh beginning and some speech of a feminist howler, and lied, got married. We all know our boundaries and what our parents will accept.
dude you just nailed it right..
She should not have done it…as usual the women of india are supposed to protect their virginity from men. From the people who are their boyfriends/fiances and who promise them the world, pressure them. cajole them. Maybe even rape them. Yup, its always the womans fault if she isnt a virgin…not the mens fault because as we all know men will be men trying to get your clothes off.
The whole problem is the hang up of the husband not being able to get past the fact that his wife was not a virgin. And thats because he has such low self esteem that he doubts he is any good as a virgin himself. It doesn’t take a virgin to be a good wife and mother to your child. grow up
Just don’t use rape as a shield the girl wasn’t obviously raped ad rape is a different scenario, and believe me the guy in the question won’t be have any problems if something like rape happened to her, if something my wife would have lost her virginity to something like rape, I would shower her with all love in the world.
As for men trying to get your clothes off etc. I couldn’t care lesser about her ex if you find your guy is pressurizing for sex, dump him etc.
About the low self esteem part, you are right, I feel like hell, I am always judging myself, How am I compared to her ex ? etc. So naturally get low self esteem.
and the guy has every right to know the truth just like his wife has the right to know about him. at least in a single comment take the guy side..
Oh no no I’m not taking any sides at all. This post is about finding practical solutions to an issue and NOT about passing a moral judgement on it.
Ask yourself, is it going to help the guy here if he’s told, “You’re damn right. You don’t deserve this.” ? Put yourself in his shoes – it’ll only make him fume with righteous anger, and it WON’T get him any further in finding peace and happiness in his marriage.
I’m speaking only about the practical aspects of this situation. So practically speaking, he has two options:
1. Divorce her. This is a valid option if he’s willing to take it. I will definitely not pass any moral judgement on him if he takes this decision. Everyone has the right to decide who they’re willing to be in a relationship with, and their criteria list is entirely their prerogative. It’s futile to judge others’ criteria for partner selection and I’m not trying to do that here.
2. But, the twist is that it’s Indians we’re talking about. Practically speaking, it’s unlikely that he’s willing to go down the divorce route. (If he did he won’t write to me asking for solutions).
Assuming this couple stay together, how can they get the best out of their marriage?
That is the question I’ve answered in this post. Harping on the past which cannot be changed is not going to do any good even to the husband, leave alone the wife. It’ll only get him more worked up and make him feel powerless and hence frustrated (because he can’t change the past). He surely doesn’t want to torture himself like that. In that case his only option is to move on. I’m not saying it’s a morally superior or inferior option. It’s the only practical option.
That’s all I meant. :)
but i think honesty clears everything(doesn’t matter if he is an indian) it will give him the right direction and peace of mind that clearly his wife doesn’t want.. you know they say a relationship is based on the trust. so if his wife breaks that trust then advising him to see her side is simply not fair.. honesty and truth is the only way to stay in a marriage or in any relationship
This seems even more relevant that the two in a marriage arrangement must both be convinced that this is a certainty. I had a dialogue with an older gentleman from India, on this subject, he said, often as young boys we are introduced to older women before marriage so we can have our first interaction before marriage. Often we find the marriage arrangement is not very good for intercourse, other than for children, so we often continue to find sexual release outside of the marriage.
Then the double standard is that the woman be a virgin but men not necessarily
I had one couple come to me, they had been together for 2 years, their wedding was approaching, and they had sex together before marriage when in the relationship. AFTER the marriage, she developed a huge issue with sex and refused him, even to consummate the marriage. After a full 12 months of this, his parents were asking for annulment. So outside the marriage, ok, inside the marriage, not.
You observation is largely valid for the Indian society – that it’s by and large OK for men to have had sex before marriage than women. In this particular case the man mentions that he took his own chastity seriously and preserved his virginity until marriage. That’s likely to be one of the reasons he feels so frustrated with the situation. However the blatant sexism in the whole situation becomes clear when you try to imagine the reverse.
If the guy had had sex before marriage would the girl have considered it righteous to continue to make him feel “guilty” about it for years?
Would the girl’s parents have dared, or even wanted, to poke fun at the guy if they came of know of this?
When we imagine these hypothetical scenarios with the gender roles reversed, it’s then that we realize how ridiculous the whole thing is.
It would have been very heartbreaking fact to you, it would have been more painful that you love your wife and she gives unclear answers. Being an Indian i know about the gravity of the situation. You were a virgin and your wife was not it would be very hard for you to push out things. Now way you will be able to just let go. I know divorce is very difficult. Divorces are not at all acceptable by the Indian society. It was very wrong for her to lie about such an important issue, knowing it will devastate you. She should have told you between the engagement and marriage period. It would have given you a fair choice. A decision she will regret for the rest of her life.
Talk to her maturely tell her that you are hurt by the situation and it will take time for you to get over. Don’t cheat on her. Great advice given up in the section. Try to think from her perspective. Sort it as quickly as possible DONOT BOTTLE UP.
“It was very wrong for her to lie about such an important issue.” While theoretically speaking you’re right, knowing the practical reality of India, I’m afraid I’d have to have a difference of opinions with you here.
Think of it from the girl’s perspective. With the vilification of premarital sex of the Indian society, would it have been safe for her to tell a prospective groom about her past? What if the guy announces it to her family and walks away from the relationship? What kind of consequences do you think the girl can expect, from her own family and society? How easy do you think it would be for her family to get a guy for her subsequently?
Given these considerations, here’s a suggestion for all guys who’re particular about their wife’s virginity pre-marriage:
At a very initial stage, find a way to have a discussion with the girl alone. Tell her, “Marriage is a life-altering decision. I’m sure you realize the importance of having a clear understanding with each other before such a decision is made. Hence I want you to know that there are certain things which are unacceptable to me in my wife. I respect your privacy, hence I won’t ask you any questions about these aspects. I’ll just tell you what these factors are and request you to cancel the marriage from your side (telling you don’t like me) if any of this is true for you. The list goes:
1. She should not smoke/drink…
2. She should not be a non-vegetarian…
3. She should be a virgin at the time of marriage… ”
The list here is just an example. The point here is, provide her a list instead of a single criterion like virginity, so that her privacy is protected. (If she cancels the marriage you’d know ONE of the factors was valid, without knowing which one.)
I’m sure you understand, as one of the several prospective grooms the girl would meet in the process of her arranged marriage, you have no right to ask for private info like whether she’s a virgin. However, you have a right to cancel the marriage if she doesn’t satisfy your criteria (which, in this case, includes virginity). The only way to protect both her rights and yours is through mature and respectful dialogue, like I’ve suggested here.
i wonder if i can get your email address@loveinindia. I have certain questions i am willing to ask about marriage.
Yeah sure… sulagna@loveinindia.co.in … http://www.loveinindia.co.in/free-counseling/
Everyone has just told the guy to “let go” if it would have been that easy he would never ask the question. It is very unfortunate for you, my friend also valued virginity his was arrange marriage to. But he indirectly asked the girl before engagement and he reassured her that if things didn’t work out he will give girl right to reject him and would not tell anything. He and girl had an open conversation sorted out things (she had her questions to) ,they disagreed on some points but they sorted it out and are THEN married.
In both cases they had a conversation. People are allowed to talk and meet now. It is your fault to you just assumed things you should have clarified them also the blog writer has given a great way to ask such questions. Your wife may have escaped “rejection” but she did bad to you. Pre-martial sex is not acceptable in our society, she knew it then she shouldn’t have done it, if she has she has to bear consequences. And past is a part of you which WILL INFLUENCE your present and future. Donot think of divorce it is completely alien in our society it is a much more worse situation. Your “divorcee status” will spread like fire.
No way you will be able to just “let go” try to get help of a counselor, it helps a lot. Talk to your wife, try to think on positive aspects, do not dwell of images of your wife with other men instead think of your images with her. Reinforce your trust in her. Think of things which made you fall in love with her. Do not try to find intimate details of her past or the try to know about her past lover(s). These will just concrete your images and will eat you up.
Thanks for the support Aarav. :)
You’re suggestion to focus on the positives is really valuable. You’re right – no one is perfect, and probably we’d all have to regret our choices if we had to start focusing on “what we didn’t get” instead of “what we got for sacrificing what we didn’t get.”
Good points mentioned above but everything is done by guy alone, he is expected to let go, he is expected to suppress his curiosity, he is expected to stay content by knowing about HIS wife as much as OTHERS, he is supposed to tackle his PARENTS because of his wife’s wrongdoings (his parents like his wife a lot otherwise considering typical Indian parents of a virgin boy, taunting is not they will settle for), he is expected to tackle his wife’s past lovers, he is devastated but he should not put the girl in trouble, he is not supposed to ask questions to HIS wife about HER as it may disturb her, he is supposed to put his best even when one his basic expectations from his marriage is not cleared (wanting a virgin wife), he is to suppress his jealousy and all other negative feelings and look towards a bright future when his spouse’s past is unclear to him and his present is disturbed.
I know he has to put more efforts but his wife should put some efforts to, it is her marriage also.
First of all, I don’t think his wife’s pre-marital relationship can be called her “wrongdoing”. Having a relationship is not a crime, remember? :P
However, what a guy wants in his wife (in this case, virginity) is entirely his prerogative and we can’t judge that. The problem here is that due to the nature of our society, it would’ve been rather difficult for the guy to find out the truth before marriage. Do read my reply to Ranjit’s answer for more on what could’ve been a better solution.
You’ve pointed out that it’s not only the guy’s, but also his wife’s duty to help resolve the situation. I couldn’t agree with you more. It requires sincere efforts from both partners to find a healthy resolution to any conflict in any relationship. The girl’s duty here is to provide mental support to her husband. To assure him – through not only words but also actions – that her past relationship doesn’t in any way mean she might cheat in the future.
But if you read the post again you’d realize this is not an opinion piece on the issue of premarital sex, but an answer to a question asked by the husband. Hence I’ve given recommendations which the husband can implement independently. :) You see, he can’t control his wife’s actions. He can only control his own.
And other parents may not “settle for” “mere” taunts in a similar scenario. That doesn’t make the “taunts” acceptable. :) Like I said, the question of virginity is an entirely private matter for the couple. The truth hurts the guy. But the past can’t be changed. Hence they have to work through his hurt feelings. They have to discuss it out. They have to both work towards recreating trust, and both of them share the responsibility of getting their relationship back on track. They’re accountable to each other in this regard. But neither of them is accountable to anyone else.
Unfortunately privacy, individual rights and personal space are concepts many Indians have great difficulty understanding. The guys parents are among them. But that doesn’t make these rights any less fundamental to the life of a human being. If someone has difficulty understanding others’ rights, they need calm and empathetic explanations. Which is what I’ve recommended here to the guy wrt his parents. :)
having a relationship is not wrong but lying is bad mam..
Yeah that’s true but the responsibility for that doesn’t lie solely with the girl here. Pls check my replies to other comments on this post for more on this.
wait a minute.. are you saying its his responsbility too. i mean he clearly said that he asked her again and again. and he love her but expect honesty. but its not enough.. :D and her replies are vague. wife is being dishonest and its husband fault. i am very sorry but in the name of practicality you are supporting the wife’s dishonesty(i know that u said i am not judging them but its not that). come on its 3 years, and society is not obstacle(remember what u said).dont make the guy feel guilty and be neutral. i am sorry but i have to say your comments/answers were biased.It seems you support the girl already…
I don’t think any kind of dishonesty can be acceptable in the context of a marriage, whatever be its reason. Tolerating/encouraging dishonesty can hardly save a relationship in the long run, IMHO.
Even post martial relationships are not a crime remember :P, they are wrong morally so her lying too like this is wrong morally. He clearly says that she is not telling everything even after 3 years, she is not making any effort, so it is pointless that he makes efforts, best for him is to let go of thoughts of “happy marriage” and focus on other things.
Trust is the heart of marriage which she has broken. What is more bad that she lied to you even after you asked her also now after her friends have started spilling the beans she is not telling truth.
And a marriage based on such lying. We all know premarital sex is not acceptable by our society then why do it? If you do ,then have the strength for facing consequences. Lying to someone to just get married is bad, she has just blown up your and her life.
Even if you let-go you will never be completely happy with your marriage. In heart of hearts you will always have a “What if?”. If you meet any of those nosy-outsiders all memories will come crashing back to you, again you will have to try to let-go. If you have a big fight with her you may accidentally bring her pre-martial sex (which is very bad) she will flare up and you two will end up having the same discussion again. Even if you restrain ( which is very very hard) yourselves you will feel bad. And truth is you will NEVER be able to love her the way you loved her before this stuff. And you will find you love is reducing every day. These problems are Practical and wil come up.
Divorce is even a bigger problem, in our society and they are quite rare. Never-ever will a girl’s parent/boy’s parent allow him/her to marry a divorcee. Nor are they accepted, whispers will follow you.
Seriously I don’t know much you can do with her continued lying. Your marriage is already on the ruin track, with your parents knowing see their attitude towards your in-laws in next family function. And reaction of your family, you may stand up for her but soon you will give up to, you are a human.
Firoz, I think you’re being too pessimistic. Tell you what – the human mind is capable of achieving anything it sets itself to. And, time is a magic potion – it heals stuff you never imagined could be healed. So I don’t really agree that you can’t “let go”, because it’s a “big thing”. Yes, it can be a big thing to you. But unless you want to divorce – and as you’ve rightly said, being Indians these guys probably don’t – this is your reality. The sad truth is currently his mind is in denial but one day it will get tired of getting excited about this issue. It will just accept. May be you’re right – given his beliefs he’d never be able to have the same attitude towards his wife that he had on his wedding day. But hey – a relationship is always changing, so probably the inevitable change in his attitude is not going to be something so bad. Who knows – may be their understanding will grow deeper after they’ve dealt with this challenge together.
understanding can grow deeper only if wife speak truth. but she is not doing so even after 3 years. i think the guy did no wrong and he is right at his place its the wife who is being dishonest.. and if he cant live with the premartial affairs of her wife and her dishonesty then he should divorce her. its better to lead a life which is peaceful and nontoxic..
After reading this entire conversation, I really got tears in my eyes. Because exactly two days back I found my wife which whom I got married one month back, had sex before marriage. I felt inferior, very jealous, angry, thinking to go beyound divorce. etc.. And I was upset from last two days and she really does’t have any idea about it. (why all of a sudden I am not normal).
But, Later I spend one complete day reading this page and I sent a TEXT MESSAGE TO HER
Saying
” LOVe the way you are ..plz be the same way for rest of my life… ALl two days you are really nice to me..some times I would be Upset don’t leave me alone. .Thank for all your care and love.”
Nothing else I did after this and our conversation went well.
Anonymous I’m so, so proud of you. You’ve proven, in a way beyond all doubts, how much you love her. Do you know how far this will go in strengthening the love and trust between the two of you? You’ve truly established your relationship on a firm foundation by redeeming your love above the past…I wish both of you the best for the rest of your life. And your wife is lucky to have an understanding husband like you. :)
This is really helpful for me to read all this, as I provide assistance for young women that are engaged to be married and have a true fear and panic about allowing penetration.
It helps me understand the cultural implications, as I would share all my clients are from India. They are not from other cultures. So to me this deep fear, even inside marriage, is to be careful you don’t enjoy sex too much as your husband might wrongly consider you have had prior sexual relationships.
Perhaps the behavior of being extremely frightened and fearing sex outside of marriage so that on the eve of the wedding they can remain in fear, panic and tension, thereby assuring their partner, they are indeed chaste.
I want the culture to consider that when the girl must abide by these cultural bias’s or even have her marriage be threatened, because who would believe her assurances, if she is relaxed and enjoys sex?
I would also share that all of my clients have indeed experimented with themselves and have reached orgasm on their own… women can reach orgasm in their sleep and often do…so the sexual urges that are tied to fidelity…does this – in the Indian culture, make it that the husband owns rights to his wife’s body even before she was engaged or came into the arrangement at time of the marriage?
I’ve also noticed that once a couple has been intimate, then they are considered married in India.
It’s complex and helping women undo the painful approach to their body’s and trust themselves to relax in the marriage bed, is compromised if they must ensure their husband by remaining terrified and panicked about intercourse.
This is helping me help my clients… very much so.
With thanks, Kathy
In cases like these people have 4 ways:
1 One of the let goes everything TRULY and they continue happily with a great amount of respect, love from the partner who had pre martial sex to his spouse. This means that the the non-virgin partner doesn’t consider his forgiveness as an act of sacrifice nor does he taunts other about past relationships they consider it just a rational and civil approach to the situation. Sadly this is quite rare, even bleaker if one of them was a virgin and almost non-existent if the husband was virgin. I strongly recommend this path for anyone in such situations.
2 In many cases the husband tortures his wife etc. eventually ending up in a bad divorce, or a mental prison for both partners for a lifetime. Nowadays educated people donot walk on this path.
3 In most of the cases the virgin partner shells up and dangerously invests himself into a particular activity, the activity depends on person to person. For ex. a shy, hardworking person may commit himself totally to his work ,till points of mental and physical exhaustion, some take to drinking etc. They just ignore the situation carrying everything in them. After prolonged periods this becomes too much and they take to anti-depressants. The extent depends upon the level of heartbreak. In time the partners find compatibility which becomes driving force of their marriage rather than love. It is a peaceful and painful way.
4 Quite rare analyze everything and divorce. This is also quite rare in our country but I recommend this over 2nd or 3rd. People initially talk but after some time they get used to the situation ( in case of boys) but sadly in girls case her family is practically sabotaged by everyone and the girl gets trapped in even worse situations. Even though this is very shameful for one the worlds fastest developing economies but it is a fact.
Option 1 as good as it sounds is a very difficult road initially, you will have to work upon your marriage a lot talk to counselors, psychiatrists etc. Also your wife will also have to do a lot of things, primarily telling the truth. But you can only do your bit, give your best and I am sure she would do same once you are through you will have a clear road, AND DON’T FIND HER PREVIOUS LOVER(S) they will just increase the pain let them be in shadow of ignorance. But take this option ONLY IF YOUR WIFE IS WORTH IT, SHE HAS TO PROVE IT and if she has more than 1-2 lovers leave her she is definitely not worth it. Else option 4, it even has a part of revenge it it.
I would also like to add another way, i didn’t include this in earlier post as there is no official record of this with any psychologist. In situations like these a big portion of men who are male chauvinist pigs cheat. They have relationship( mostly with sex-workers ), continue it till their “male ego” is satisfied and then they go back. Although these situations work very good. But still I don’t think these men love their wives.
It takes a lot of time to get back and It Is Frankly Impossible to get it back to a “happily wed” scenario. Tell your wife to have realistic expectations from your relationship from now, it will prevent frustration on both sides. Your marriage has shifted from “happily wed” to “content” at max. Also she has to be clear about her past no matter how much it hurts, traces won’t help you, at same time you must be civil in your way of reacting and asking, and please don’t ever contact the “other guy” or view his fb profiles, try not to see his face. I still feel you yourself need to confirm some facts, she should tell you the truth now at least. Many call it pseudo-cheating for a reason, you have to understand no one can ever forget their first time. You have to know these basic facts. And lastly her “friends” are not your well wishers, stay away from them, but don’t tell your wife to do same, she has to herself judge her friends. And she consciously or sub-consciously has lied to you.
Shrey, Can’t thank you enough for sharing your very balanced, very realistic views on the subject. The changing of marriages from “happy” to “OK with it” is a tragic but all too common truth in India. People don’t divorce, but more often than not that’s because of structural/practical reasons (which often include “What will others say?”) than eternal love magically created by marrying off strangers to each other.
making peace with yourself and other itching things is very important and you did that.. have a nice life.. :)
Ask your wife calmly that you need to know the truth it is essential for you, for your marriage, your approach should be very mature and sincere, you cannot plat the cat and mouse game any longer. You have to choose a side. If she still gives her old replies etc. leave her she is not worth all the effort you need to put to make your marriage work. After 3 years she is still not opening up!!! . She cannot be trusted, it is a fact. As for your love it will extinguish either way, she continues to lie, you continue to get frustrated.
However if she tells you the truth and if it is acceptable by you ( ex. she had a lot of partners ) then forget everything and turn a new page in your life. If she is has a small self-respect or love for you she will pour herself to your marriage, acknowledge her efforts genuinely and put yours. And the past will fade away. As for your parents lie to them make up some story it is the only way to keep them up, of you tell them truth they will not accept her till their final breaths which is an unjust treatment towards your wife. If they know the truth, they and your family will always consider her as an outsider, think that you are stuck up and are terrible, this will make your feel guilty which is not at all good, it is a relationship killer.
In my personal opinion I think you should divorce her, how can she claim to love you and want a future with you when she is a lying to you after 3 years. She is a very shallow person. Leave her
Well that’s a thought. Divorcing is certainly an option, because everyone is entitled to choose a partner as per their own preferences. However, practically speaking, that’s not an option most Indians find easy.
Thanks a lot for sharing your really well-thought out views. :)
I am in the same bag, i found out after 2 years of marriage, we were planning kids that time. I was literally crashed, at the moment all I wanted is to hurt myself badly. If you to get a suicidal feeling think of your parents. She to lied to me giving me same vague replies, that just confirmed my thoughts. She has literally trapped you, you cannot divorce, you are powerless. I had even asked her during our engagement period nearly same way as suggested. Please don’t regret that you didn’t ask considering the type of person your wife is she would have lied as it happened to me.
One cannot clap with one hand same way only you cannot repair stuff. And if she wanted to she would have at least told you truth, my wife told me “parts” which were not correct. Don’t waste your energy is it.
Don’t think of divorce as it is not practical in any way. You won’t get someone else after a divorce, social resentment, and the-great-indian-women-is-best-constitution. The court has pre assumed you are a drunkard who beats her, rapist etc. if your wife so much as sheds a tear you will find yourself targeted, even if you win it is a lose-lose situation for you. Just ignore her, I know one should face problems but this just ensures continued pain for you. Focus on other aspects like your job, hobbies etc. And counselors are not good in India, and seeking advice from a foreigner is like asking a for a million dollars from a beggar, it is totally illogical, they just stare blankly at you for a moment, and then start their crap. as for your parents lie to them. I have worked this situation for past 3 years.
First think I want to mention is that Anonymous wrote whole story and asked for solutions not for moral judgement on his wife’ character. If you could have just let-go then you would have done it a long time ago, in case your wife told you truth. She is not, so you cannot do anything to. You cannot divorce, Indian-chained-for-life-marriage is done. She doesn’t love you, a bitter fact or she would have tried to work out. Best option ignore her, just forget that you are even married.
Ignoring won’t help, parents want grandchildren after 2-3 years of marriage. In your situation I would just tell her that things like “happy marriage” are not possible now, best possible is that you just live with each other peacefully. Don’t ask her anything, it won’t help just leave it. Things could have been better if she wanted to have a good marriage but she doesn’t want it. But major problem is your parents, I don’t blame them certain things are promised by every side to other side, you guys did your stuff, but she didn’t its unfair to you. Since there is nothing left try affair it will make you happy.
Firstly I am amazed at the sharp contrast in comments. Anyway I had the same situation 3 years back, it was less messy than this one. We had an arranged marriage, I too didn’t ask “the question” before marriage because of my shy nature, I admit it. I found out through her chat with one of her friends, I have a key-logger installed in my laptop-company policy. I didn’t spy on her chats, I had lost data from copy-paste so I opened it. Her friend had asked “Does he know about your past” she replied “No, never”. I was shocked but I got to know some things myself and I found out that she has had sex before. I told her, she started crying and she told me everything forcefully right from the first day to the last of course she had left the “details” even though I wanted to run away from her, I was blind in my anger, but she didn’t give up. From that she was the perfect, she was very good before too. I got bed tea, favorite breakfast, water filled in bathroom, great lunch, she wore my favorite color saris etc., even though I ignored everything dumping her breakfast in bin, tossing bucket over etc. she didn’t stop eventually I came over and I realized hoe much she loves me. So I planned a night for us 6 months after our wedding. I don’t know if you guys listen to English music but if you want to win her completely try the song “As long as you love me- by Backstreet Boys”, its lyrics are perfect for such an evening. This song in background and I apologized for everything, she just cried and said “Thank you”. We left her past there that day.
You won’t achieve anything by constantly accusing her, assaulting her it will just destroy your relationship. You love her then why hurt her and yourself for lifetime. If she had power to change her past, she would have done it but she cannot. As mentioned above “let-go” take your time in it, I took me 5 months but leave it. However important part is your wife has to do a lot more than just saying you to let go. I am not judging her, but she has to take action first, she may not be that smart but she may have a good heart, you have been with her for 3 years. Ask everything you want to politely and take your time but leave it all. If she doesn’t want it, then leave her. During those 5 months I had great urge to go to sex-workers but I refrained and I advise you to do same. Time is not same, everyone has bad and good patches. As for your parents lie to them, they will never give her a second chance. And as for her friends ignore them completely, if they jump on you two tell them to back of harshly, if needed. And don’t feel that you are wrong in getting angry for a particular period, it is normal reaction.
I know I have no right to judge anyone’s viewpoint but I personally think some comments are to feminist, and some are male-centered.
Beautiful story Raghav. I can’t thank you enough for sharing such an inspirational story with all of us. The poor soul here – and many other people who’re going thru such challenges need to hear your story.
You can’t change your emotions. If you’ve believed throughout that your wife is a virgin and she’s not it’s definitely a shock and you should talk it out, and yes, it’s natural to get angry.
But for this couple that discovery was 3 long years ago. Getting stressed about it still wouldn’t do either of them any good. It would be especially stressful for the husband who’s written to me, because he wants to change the past but can’t. Hence he feels powerless and frustrated. One of the golden rules of life is – change what you can, and let go of what you can’t. We all know life is not fair. Often good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. We study hard all year, burning midnight oil and fall sick on the day of the exam. We work hard all year but don’t get promoted because boss’ golf pal’s son has to be promoted. It happens in life. It just does. And we have no control over such “unfair” outcomes. If we can’t change it we need to let go of it. Not because it’s the “right” thing to do, or she “deserves” to “get away with” premarital sex, but because we have no other choice. In this case he can verbally pressurize her and stress her for the rest of their lives. But if you can put yourself in his shoes you’ll realize that will make him feel a lot worse inside than it will make her, or anyone else. In the end, it’s futile at best and destructive at worst. It’s not about, “Does he have the right to be angry?” It’s about, “Does it get him anywhere to remain angry about this after 3 years?”
OK now I have a story parallel to these stories but with one exception.
I got engaged recently (Arrange marriage). We were talking to each other for around 4-5 months before we told yes to our parents. She took more time than me. She asked me about my past relations but i always brushed it away thinking that I don’t want to know about her past so lets just not discuss it. (I have had couple of girlfriends but i am still a virgin–not for lack of opportunities)
Just before our engagement we made out and she commented something that made me think that she might have had a boyfriend which wasn’t so casual. I asked her and after just a couple of no’s she said she would tell me but only answer my questions. So i will have to ask everything.
So i thought she seems worried for nothing its probably nothing. I started asking questions and got answers saying she had one boyfriend, some two year relationship. I asked if you guys have kissed, she said yes. I was like big deal. Then i asked are you virgin, she said no. This is something i was not expecting because never got a vibe (if there is one) from her. I wondered if she was emotionally attached to this guy and how much, if its still there. So I asked how many times, she said 5 maybe. I was still ok because i kept thinking i should not give her any impression to feel more guilty than she already felt. I asked her to forgive herself and everything assured her for a while. I kept telling myself that i should not use my moral compass to evaluate everyone. Everyone should make their own choices. I kept telling myself that i never thought that she should be virgin when i was evaluating her for past 4 months or so. Thus it should not matter to me now. Later maybe next day or so while talking about something she let me know that they have tried anal and also tried to shoot while they did it. She said there is no record of it anymore. I think that is when i cracked a little.
It started to bother me. I was mad at myself because i could not pin point if she having sex was bothering me or she loving so much to do all this was bothering me. I also kept thinking that because she had anal sex it violated her in some way. She also kept telling me that it hurts, she would never have it again. She also said that he wanted to marry but she was not ready at that time career-wise and she is happy with what has happened after that. She knows that I will keep her happy and had a gut feeling that he wouldn’t.
After all that i was feeling pain but was getting engaged in a day or so. I kept telling myself that i am above this. This happened 3 years ago and we should look at future. The whole part about she telling me happened on the day we bought our rings.
Its been a month since all that and I have grown more indifferent with the whole thing now. Recently we had some tiff where she said she needs time and her past experience made her more bitter or distant to people and she is afraid of commitment or closeness and she needs more time for her to be as loving or expressive as i am towards her. We are getting married in december. I just don’t know if I am being a fool in understanding all this or should give her more time. This also makes it harder for me because if i ask for more affection or attention then I come off needy, clingy or possessive. I need some help or different perspectives on this.
This all hasn’t bothered me enough to call the wedding off and I plan to marry her. I live in USA so we are apart for these 4-5 months now.
Thank you
It’s really heartening to know there exist people like you who’re loving and understanding towards their family (in this case would-be family) instead of being obstinate and stressful to others. I understand it’s difficult for both of you to be as close as you’d like to be at the moment, but that’s the thing with arranged marriages – not everything is under your control. :( I’d have advised to postpone the wdding by a year, but I don’t think that’s possible.
However with your positive attitude I”m confidence you’ll be able to look past all this and take a fresh approach to your life together. And if she trusts you enough already to be able to tell you about her past, I believe she’s willing to make this work too.
Stay positive and all the best. :)
If you could have let go, you wouldn’t have to think for 3 years. You need the feeling of being wanted. Have relationship with a prostitute, your wife is not truthful, honest with you then why should you be, as for it destroying your relationship don’t tell her. Do this you will feel better or continue to get frustrated. These feelings will build up overtime. Normally I would’ve advised you to fix your marriage but your wife doesn’t want it.
I am an American, I got to know about this site from my friends gf, great site, posts like that anniversary one are great and universal almost all guys in my group are using the calender one. Anyways the situation here is much more different but we guys to sometimes wonder about other’s past.
You should let go, life is short and especially the period of youth and shorter is period of marriage without kids, enjoy it to the fullest. Harboring such feeling won’t help you anyway, you cannot divorce as said by many people above so gear up this marriage. Your situation is quite good, you don’t know her ex, you don’t have to face him everyday. I know that in India pre martial sex is a big taboo but you cannot undo her past, so why held on it. If you can’t do this have affair ( I am assuming since you cannot divorce her, she can’t divorce you either ).
I’m really blown away to know you and your friends are using tips from the anniversary article. Really made my day. :)
Thanks so much Tim for presenting a different point of view. Most Indians happen to take premarital sex too seriously and it’s sad to see how the attitudes aren’t changing all that much with the passage of time. Personally I don’t feel so disheartened by the conservative, controlling attitude of the generation which is now in their 50’s and 60s – it’s expected. What really saddens me is when I find people in their 20’s and 30’s staunchly carrying the backward-looking torch forward. If you’re striving for freedom but can’t achieve it, you can hope your next generations will (think freedom movements in countries all across the world, think African-American civil rights movt.). But if you don’t even want freedom, and want the rights to shackle your next generations instead, no one can help you. That’s what’s happening to the Indian youth. Even today 80%+ Indian marriages are arranged. Many of these marriages are forced. The reasons the situation is not changing are not at all purely cultural but to a great extent financial and practical.
You can’t have sex if you don’t get married. Hence you want to get married early. Like in your 20’s, for most Indian men and women.
At such a young age you may not be in a position to support your current lifestyle (the one you enjoy in your parents’ home) independently.
So you would prefer to continue staying with your parents after marriage (for men).
But your parents won’t allow you to marry your girlfriend (if you have one).
You’re free to disregard them and marry her, but in that case you have to leave their establishment and start a new life completely on your own.
Hence you back off, capitulate, break up with your girlfriend, marry whoever your parents want you to marry, and continue enjoying your comfortable lifestyle.
That’s the real story. Or at least an over-simplified version of it.
Well I’m glad I could make your day, since you made my anniversary day :)
The Indian scenario over the pre martial sex issue is absurd, I mean why aren’t there restrictions for men to. My friend at Harvard made a documentary on Indian marriages, I traveled with her to India and was shocked at the scenario, I couldn’t leave her alone in public, people rudely stared at her made remarks. I still remember one person calling her the hindi version of prostitute, we didn’t understand at first, she was livid after we translated it. Even in Goa, men just wandered around her one even followed her, she was petrified. To progress India should become gender equal. Women are much better than men in many areas, if they are not allowed to bring out their talents it is loss. At our college Harvard, the topper of my class is a girl.
Regarding the sex situation why bother about past as long as other person loves you and is faithful to you.
And I need take back last line of my earlier post, my gf blasted me after seeing that thing, had to listen to almost an hour of outburst :'(
Ha ha … Well letting her see your advice was a bit tactless, wasn’t it? :P
The situation is changing but at a very, very slow pace. Like I said, 100 years ago 100% marriages used to be arranged, and now it’s 80%. To me that’s not much of a progress. Add to that the fact that our law enforcement is all but non-existent. There exist people who even lock their adult daughters up and sometimes even beat them if they come to know she has a boyfriend. If she tries to call the police (first of all she can’t, so if her bf or friends try) the police will give her a damn good talking to, telling her to “listen to her parents”, instead of implementing the law of the land.
Please if you love her let go, for sake of you love, she will love you with all her heart and her ex won’t affect your marriage anyway.
I am in the Same situation my husband is cheating on me but I can’t do anything even though I know I still love him and try my best hoping he will reciprocate and please don’t listen to guys above they are not helping you. I know how happy I wil feel if he let goes. I am sure same your wife feels.
Please let go as for her not telling everything she doesn’t wan to hurt you.
whatever is happening with you is really sad, but your actions say you are not using your brain. you should slap dowry harassment,martial rape and adultery cases against your husband. he would come to his senses and if he doesn’t you will get a huge part of his property..
Thank you for your advice Charu, but his family didn’t take even a penny of dowry, they cleared it on the first day. All gifts by my family were jewellery for me, a car which mostly I use and some other things like clothing etc. The cash which my parents gave to me is deposited in an account in my name, I am sure he doesn’t even know about it, he earns very good. His family is good, my mother-in-law doesn’t even know about all my jewellery and only his mother, I, him and a maid lives in our house. Besides on martial rape check the link “http://www.indialawjournal.com/volume2/issue_2/article_by_priyanka.html” 9th para ” Once, the age crosses 16, there is no legal protection accorded to the wife”. Besides he has never ever forced me to have sex with him, after he found out initially he was like a corpse. But he read the advice of cheating on some site and then started it and after it he hasn’t touched me since. Even when he confronted me about the issue he didn’t even abuse physically in any way, I don’t even have a scratch it was only verbal thing which too didn’t include any lewd insults. So no good on dowry harassment or martial rape.
I can file case on adultery charges but what is use, he is rich and can easily drag the case for years if not win it ( Chances of that are high ). In that period I won’t be able to marry anyone else, and a good relationship after divorce (which is very nearly impossible) with anyone else is quite difficult in country like India. I am around 25 years old, by the time verdict of case turns up I will be above 30’s which further depletes the chance. The “divorcee tag” is just not acceptable in India, I had even left my job because it was not very good and his family is rich and finding a job after 2 years will be difficult along with all the immense mental stress of dealing with a divorcee case.
Practically, divorcee case will do more harm than good, besides first 2 years of our marriage were complete bliss (he didn’t know anything that time), if anyone sees the photos of our vacations, anniversaries or festivals it is clear that I am very happy and such things crop up in initial months prior to marriage. He was very good, loving and caring husband, he used to surprise me coming back from business trip a day early telling me to go to his office for mailing him a file from his computer, then tell the driver to take me to some restaurant where he would wait for me with roses.
To bring him to senses I only need to hint my mother-in-law she will straighten him up in a day, he greatly respects his mother and will do anything for her but I love his mother very much, she is not at all like typical mother-in-law, before marriage I did a part-time Masters’s course, I thought of dropping it along with my job as I wanted to devote myself to family but she encouraged and insisted that I complete my education. She supported me in my education, she is a very nice god believing lady and her son is her pride, if she knows that her son is doing such thing to me she will crash, if he tells her about my past both these things will be too much for her. Also both families are happy with each other, anything other than my current option will destroy it all. I can’t just burn it all up and file for divorce, killing my mother-in-law, trapping my parents is legal fight with a much much more financially stable man who are looking for a girl for my brother along with the tension of “divorcee daughter”, the “huge part of property” will be no good to me.
Sorry to say but hoping that he will give up his “mistress” is my best way. Who i know is a bitch from his office, he told me earlier in a casual talk that he liked her a little 2 years before our marriage but she didn’t like his mother at all so he gave her up. I am absolutely sure about him and girl because, after he told me about her, I got jealous and told him that it is not good that he meets a girl who he liked everyday so he got her transferred to another branch. But I found that she is back at his branch and is now under his department on the same floor too. I had met her in an office party before and I didn’t like her from beginning as it was clear from her behavior that she was a money bee.
Please Sulagna or anyone else can give me tips on what should wife do in such situations, I would be very grateful to you, Sulagna in reply to Mr. Jatin Jain you have said wife should assure husband through actions that she won’t cheat on him in future, what can I do? Please..
Even his mother is getting suspicious now and she asked me today morning if know why is he going out on trips so frequently and not picking up calls. I feel even worse by lying to her that his work has increased.
Even as I writing this on this hour because he is on an “important company trip” with her. He had just been in a similar “trip” last month. Before he knew it, he went to these trips at max. 1-2 times a year with a whole bunch of all his equals never with that bitch. It is killing me, if this continues I will end up killing myself or that slut. He has removed our pic. from background of his mobile too and brought me a laptop and stashed all our pics, wedding clips everything on it and has cleared his.
Today I am feeling a new bottom because he hasn’t picked a single call all day, I had lied to my mother-in-law. I thought that he would blow off his “steam” and come back but it is getting worse.
Archie, I’m very sorry to know of your story. It’s unfortunate that your husband holds your past against you so seriously that your almost picture-perfect life (going by your account of the good old times) has been shattered to pieces. I understand going out of a marriage like yours is not something any Indian woman would want.
Look Archie, your husband genuinely loved you. His actions over the last two years prove that. Why don’t you write an email to him explaining how much you love each other, and how futile it is to destroy something so beautiful for the sake of your past? Tell him you love him and the past is in the past? Ask him – does he really want to lead his entire life into a downward spiral of adultery and made up relationships instead of wiping off the past looking into the future? Tell him you love him. You’ll have to swallow your pride Archie, but if you don’t have any option but to appeal to his emotions here.
Let me know how it goes. And pls don’t think about killing yourself and all that nonsense. Did you read the story of one of the commenters here (I think Raghav) who had disowned his wife exactly like your husband and later was astonished by her dedication and love in spite of his indifference? If you’ve read you’d know he evntually forgave her, but it took a long time. You have to be patient Archie. Your husband loves you deep down. You have to appeal to that soft part of his heart by showing your dedication through everyday actions (bring him his dinner, look after his needs, write him love letters…) and never losing hope. Yes Archie, it can take time. You have to try. Yes it’s a risk. But if you’re to get what you want it’s a risk you ahve to take.
I have tried some things you suggested, he too thought about it, he is ( as I have observed ) fighting an internal struggle. The situation would have been much more controllable if the situation in which he knew was better. My past was a guy from my neighborhood, I only did it one time that too under alcohol. I went out with him and he insisted me a lot, I too one sip and he continued it and I lost myself quickly ( it was the first time I had tasted alcohol ), he took me to his home and started romantic things on TV and I ended up doing it with him, I don’t even remember everything clearly. I trusted him as I knew him from 4 years. In the morning he acted like he had conquered me and tried to do it again, I resisted and then he started to pressurize me to do again or he would tell my parents, he continued but I resisted and luckily his parents were transferred to Vishakapatnam and he dropped it. Back to the situation where my husband met him, it was at my friends marriage reception, my ex saw me with him and got angry as my husband was very rich, well qualified and smart, and I was very happy. My ex is the biggest JERK, who is a good-for-nothing loser. I went to my friend and left my husband alone, ( my husband told me bits about this part ) as soon as I left my ex turned up and engaged my husband in casual talk telling him he was my friend, in talks he said that he was “a very very good friend of mine”, my husband asked him more as he got curious that I had never mentioned him before. and ex told him that he was my boyfriend and casually mentioned that my husband was a lucky man as I was “good in bed”. I still remember his face when he came to me, he quickly wrapped up the greetings, as we were leaving I saw my ex smirking, I was cold, my husband took me to our house and as soon as we were in our room, we both started sobbing and then he just asked “Archie, “Such ya judth”, please” I cried more and he left before I could stop him, next day my ex sent me a friend request on fb, I flared up, and as I was going my husband came with me forcefully, he shut up my ex. pretty badly threatened him and I thought that he has forgiven me so I kissed him as soon as we were in car but he pushed me. From that day he was like a corpse, he didn’t listen to me, he didn’t eat, nothing. This went on for 2 months and he met “bitch” on trip, then he started his affairs. I am too guilt-ridden to confront him, he still thinks that I don’t know anything about his “mistress”. I myself fighting an internal struggle and he himself, he is not happy I can see it on his face. We haven’t talked properly for months and the gap between us is increasing, we have started to hesitate with each other. I think that he is ashamed of his actions. How do I break this ice. Our anniversary is approaching and we both are getting anxious about it instead of being happy. I want to start our communication but we both are guilt-ridden to speak anything, he hasn’t even asked me about my past relationship, I wanted to clear up so I tried to tell him but he angrily shut me up.
archie your problem is you are too good and that’s why everyone around you looks saint to you as you said about your mother in law and your husband. you said that filing dowry harassment case,domestic violence and martial rape cases wouldn’t help.. i don’t think so. even if he didn’t do anything doesn’t mean that you should not go to the police. and what you are getting now.. a miserable life. after this at least you can get revenge from him he destroyed your life. “thing is nothing is right and nothing is wrong. whatever suits you or convenient for you is the right thing to do.” you should understand this ultimate truth. do whatever you like and expect whatever is best for you. tell your mil asap as you said its the way to stop him. and if he doesn’t value you get a new husband or a new guy at least. move on with your life but before that do something like have an affair and punish your husband. don’t be a saint.. no one will appreciate you. and about dowry harassment case u don’t need to prove anything he has to prove that he is innocent and also he has to spend time in jail. be brave and selfish.. you are the only one who can decide what should happen or not.. take decisions..
Firstly I don’t want to leave him, not because of other factors but I love him, I don’t want to give up and walk away. I still want him even after his infidelity, I want a fresh new start and bring back my old days. I don’t think I can ever forget him now. I may be too good but that is how I am and please my mother-in-law is really very good, what I said can be an understatement to her. There are numerous instances like whenever we used to go out on weekends she wouldn’t come with us and go to the temple, eat there, she didn’t even asked me to cook dinner for her or jump on our private time. When mt family met her the first time, as soon as she left, my parents instantly told me to consider this match “seriously”.
I am getting a miserable life right now but that doesn’t mean my whole life will be like this, as I said before I want to repair everything. Technically I am not crystal clear on my part too, I should have told him before marriage. I lied to him, even I would have been destroyed if I were in his shoes. Yes I admit that cheating is very very bad and is not justified for any reason.
I can hint my mother-in-law but she is most likely to give him a sound lecture and kick him out, in anger he may spill out about me and I cannot face her after it. Even though she won’t get us a divorcee and make him give up that bitch, the situation won’t be same as before.
As for the legal case, I can assure you with our legal system he won’t be in jail. That’s nearly sure. He can drag the final verdict for a long long time.
And I have tried writing him a love letter, I think it may have at least worked a tiny bit as he did call me today and talked calmly and most importantly no sarcastic remarks or angry tone. But I am too scared to write him that he should give up that bitch and work on our marriage as it means disclosing the fact that I know about his “affair”. I don’t want to do such a thing on e-mail nor I have the courage to speak to him openly.
I’m so, so glad something’s started to work, Archie. :)
It may not be a good idea to mention anything about his affair right now, Archie. Without going into what’s right and what’s wrong, in your husband’s mind he feels deeply wronged. Hence he feels it’s only “fair” that he “takes out his vengeance”, so to speak, in some way. While it may be crushing for you to tolerate the affair right now, give your own relationship some more time. Wait for him to become softer at heart towards you, and only then bring up anything abt the affair. Remember, your first prioirty is to earn his love, sympathy, softness back.
you want to try, i would say you should go for it. however i would also say that your pre martial sex is nothing against your husband infidelity.
I WOULD AGAIN SAY THERE IS NOTHING WRONG AND NOTHING RIGHT.. NOTHING IS MORAL AND IMMORAL.. TRUTH AND LIES ARE NONSENSE. ONLY YOUR OWN CONVENIENCE AND GOOD IS WHAT SHOULD MATTERS FOR YOU LIKE EVERYONE ELSE…
But if you still want that unfaithful man back in your life then you should talk to him and make him realise that he cant be like this forever. and you should not hesitate talking about that girl in his life.. he wold not give importance to your words immediately but will understand in due time if you can wait till then…
I messed it up, after my comment on 16th Aug, he came back from trip on 17th Aug. I went to airport to surprise him but when I went I saw “her” giving him a kiss on cheek and going to her cab, I snapped, I mean seeing her kissing him, I erupted, his affair was in my mind I was a little angry but actually seeing it. I barged straight to him and he knew I had seen him and her. We went home with me still angry after we went in our room I lashed at him very badly, I was very very angry. He was quite calm and didn’t backfire but I went on for whole night. I said very mean things and insulted him badly, I confessed that I knew of his “affair”. All thoughts of relationship healing etc. were set aside, I was angry. Then I went to my parents house for Rakhi and I told that I wanted to stay there for a while, I spend 7-8 days at my parents house for 2-3 times every year. I am still at my parents home and I have not called him since, he called me 4 days later but I cut it. We haven’t talked since my outburst. Now what should I do, I get angry every time when I replay the “kiss” scene and then I want to just vent out again at him. Now I am going back tomorrow, I don’t know what to do. One mind wants me to lash at him again on the other hand when I think about the things I said to him I feel bad, I mean I had never cursed anyone so badly before. I knew I should have controlled at the airport but at that moment seeing her actually touch him just broke everything. Still, I don’t want to divorce him but I want to just beat him up and kill “the bitch”. Have I destroyed any chance of getting back our relationship.
archie..
feeling sad for what happened at airport. but you knew it already, so why are you taking decisions based on a single incident?
as you said you love him and want to work on your marriage, then i would say keep trying. don’t feel bad about whatever you said to your husband, at least now he knows he can face resistant. no you have not destroyed the chance of relationship to work.. it will take time. but now you have to talk very clearly with your husband that it’s not acceptable for you, since he knows that you know about him.
This is a non valid argument Charu, looking at other side of thing, husband can file for annulment of marriage on the ground that his wife wasn’t a virgin at the time of marriage, yes it is true. In such situation he won’t have to give his ‘huge property’ only some monthly sum for a short period. Any gynecologist can verify it, even if surgeries were conducted. Any family court will pass the judgement. Regarding the situation, I humbly feel the guy should divorce such a person, considering Indian scenario, if a person has pre martial sex he should tell as it is pre assumed that our partner is virgin, he/she should tell everything willingly, irrespective of the consequences. They should have thought about it beforehand. I am in the same situation but i found after kids, so I am still with her. I always feel that her ex would have been better than me in bed as he was a gym instructor, I have lost all my confidence, and I am just dragging my life. Although I don’t recommend cheating as it will bring you to the level of these selfish and cold hearted liars.
Are you sure one of the partners not being a virgin at the time of marriage is a valid ground for declaring a marriage null and void automatically? I don’t think so. You might want to check. Anyway in this case Charu doesn’t want her husband to file for divorce, premarital sex grounds or otherwise. Let’s pray that they both find peace and happiness.
Of course if that was the case my wife would be my ex-wife and I would be distributing chocolates and sweets to everyone, I would be happy very very happy. Back to the bitter reality, the marriage is not automatically null and void, husband has to voluntary file the case in very early months of marriage ( 1-2 months ) and of course no kids or pregnancy on the grounds of breach of trust etc. and on some clauses of Hindu marriage law. The difference is that unlike a conventional divorcee she won’t be able to rob him of his wealth, she won’t get half of the property, of a huge sum of husbands monthly income.
pranav india has changed a lot.. we have so many laws that can be used to nail the husband and his family . but there is not a single law that can protect husbands/male. whatever you are suggesting is completely alien to me. enlighten yourself..
Yeah there is a big bunch of laws but how many husbands/guys have you seen who got “nailed”. Take my wife’s example, she had relationship with her ex for 5 years. According to my detective, they had intimate relationship for around 3 years. Like every true love relationship here, he dumped her after he had his fun. And she too like every “dumped girl” cried, then filed case of rape against her ex. Case dragged for 3 years, she had spent nearly 2.5 lacs and the verdict was a in favor of her ex. as he had a valid point she had sex with consent he didn’t rape her. She got “nailed”. Verdict is in favor of woman when man marries her, she got pregnant, he promised to marry her etc. He never told her that he would marry her, he told that her he is taking his time to “understand” her. Till today he “understands” her much better than me.
Yep like almost everything in our country, on theory husband should fear is wife, at any point she can put him in jail, rob him legally of big chunk. But in reality the situation is far from correct.
Simply it is specified above that arrange marriages are like good contracts, I filled my part of the contract, I didn’t drop any bombs after our marriage that I lied about my degree, salary etc. everything was what I told but she is at fault.
I blame her, I didn’t force her to marry me, I didn’t do anything against her, I don’t care what stuff happened in her family, I didn’t do anything wrong on my part. Then why the hell she robbed me of my life. This is my question plain and simple.
As for people saying that parents must have forced the poor girl etc. I don’t care because everyone has this much brain to see if a person will be accepted my his/her family or not. If not then don’t have relationship with them, if you have then grow your backbone and stand up for yourself, run away, insult them do whatever you want but please leave innocent people alone. I myself told a girl at my office who was a Tamil that I am not interested in her and there cannot be anything between us. She may have been hurt by my rejection at that time but I know 10 years later if she recalls me it will be with a smile.
Pranav, yours is one of the most balanced, well-thought-out, rational thoughts I’ve come across on this subject. I really, really thank you for brining out your point of view. I agree with you wholeheartedly on the one word that you’ve emphasized throughout your post – responsibility. Pre-marital sex is no different. While breaking someone’s trust can be a cruel and disingenuous act, it does not constitute rape. Relationships break up. This whole thing about “sex before marriage practically constitutes marriage” is as untenable a position as you’ve argued.
All the best for your life. Do come back. :)
Just writing that file for divorce and you will get huge part of property is wrong. Have you bedecked what do wives “actually get”. As for the property it is stated as “50 % of inherited or inheritable property should be split” any lawyer worth a penny will tell you to get the properties in name of your married sister or a trusted person like uncle or if you haven’t yet filed make them foreign assets, then she won’t get anything. Secondly as you know only 10% of people pay actual income tax, most of the income and savings is “black” so in the alimony you won’t get much too. A very shocking statistic, around 40% women don’t even get the fees of lawyer’s, court expenses.
Kickback is just because we have laws that are inclined towards females, doesn’t mean she will be benefited on financial side, she benefits only in ability to postpone the divorce.
Do check the link on my name.
Guys Remember me… on july 10th I posted about life story and I got many positive answer from people, today I face another strange fact ….. Please help me with your suggestions..
Please read the below few lines before you understand what next happened.
———————————————*******————————————————–
Anonymous on July 10, 2013 at 6:04 pm
After reading this entire conversation, I really got tears in my eyes. Because exactly two days back I found my wife which whom I got married one month back, had sex before marriage. I felt inferior, very jealous, angry, thinking to go beyound divorce. etc.. And I was upset from last two days and she really does’t have any idea about it. (why all of a sudden I am not normal).
But, Later I spend one complete day reading this page and I sent a TEXT MESSAGE TO HER
Saying
” LOVe the way you are ..plz be the same way for rest of my life… ALl two days you are really nice to me..some times I would be Upset don’t leave me alone. .Thank for all your care and love.”
Nothing else I did after this and our conversation went well.
———————————————*******————————————————–
In order to forget what happen in the past of her life, I started new life with lot of love and affection. I loved my lady girl like anything. which I never did to anybody in my life.. I used to send her gift/surprises every often (Currently we were in two diff states/she will be moving to my place in next one month)…
One day I got a chance to see her mail box and personal phone bill. Which really surprised me and I felt bad. I still see her sending 50/100 Text message daily to her ex-boy friend ( To whom she had sex before marriage)
And I got to know that they had 2 years long relationship and had a break up, as her parents not interested in match, because of diff in caste
But, I still see her love towards me and she really cares me alot and never say NO to me. I don’t understand what to do. it’s been just two months we got married.
she behaves likes she doesn’t know anything and shows lots of loves towards me. While having sex, she sometime compare with her EX_ saying that I don’t have wide shoulders and a great body (Her Ex was a muscular)
she is still thinking that I have no idea about her past and what she is doing now.
Right now, I am just acting to be nice with her..lost trust on her. Please help me with your suggestion should I move on? Some times I think of getting divorce,
Your situation really touched me Anon. It’s unfortunate because you’ve taken every positive step you could take, instead of being all rigid and oppressive.
This is the unfortunate fallout of forced marriages you see, Anon. She was in love with her ex, she’s still in love with him. I can imagine how crushing this must be for you, because this is REALLY REALLY not your fault. There’s NOTHING you could’ve done differently. But you see, if your wife’s parents hadn’t been so adamant all three of you could be spared a lot of heartache.
The only way of moving forward here, Anon, is to talk to her calmly, without getting excited (yeah it’s pretty tough). YOu can write her an email if you think a face to face conversation will be difficult to start with. At the end of the email tell her to call you. She can give you a call while you’re at work or soemthing. This way you can take the communication in stages – first email, then call , then face to face. That takes away a lot of the shock associated with the whole process.
Unless you clear this up it’ll be a painful relationship for you everyday. Or it will become a lifeless marriage like so many Indian marriages. It’s a better choice to at least give it a try before resigning yourself to that option.
i think its improper to advise him to be calm and talk to her .why does he need to talk about it? i mean this matter doesn’t hold any value to pay attention. but yes he is being cruel and gender biased. men are useless pigs, they doesn’t use brain.keeping a relationship with a male/friend/ex-boyfriend is her area. he should not interfere in her life for these trivial things. being administrator and a woman yourself we expect you to be impartial and not cruel to women..
“men are useless pigs, they doesn’t use brain”, I hate when girls say this. You said all men are pigs well I have a line for you “Since you are so extraordinarily evolved human, I sincerely wish you lifetime of lonliness without any male pig and shall pray for the same. Also I will try to spread the word of your ‘realistic and honorable’ views about our gender. I solemly sympathise with aby pig who fells attarafted to you. Amen”.
Used by my pal Theo and me for
1. Millie Awsorth
2. Christen Dukes
3. Charu Gautam
And for the record brainy girl it should be
“Men are useless pigs, they donot use their brain” instead of
“men are useless pigs, they doesn’t use brain”
NYZRockz
i guess you heard a lot.. lol
i can sense the frustration of yours. it’s common among guys but you guys don’t want to think over it. you just start insensitively without thinking what happen to the opposite sex..
you really think that a girl can be lonely or helpless if she is not with a guy. actually it’s true with opposite gender.. :)
and yes at last you really think that people care about grammatical mistakes or spellings when they are posting their comments. it can be the case with sulgana. but i guess you care a lot..
it’s you who proved that men are nothing but pigs(i will not call them dog. dogs are loyal) with a bundle of egos. what will you do with that.
I now cannot get the picture of a female human having *** with a male pig. As for the ego, I admit I have a big ego and I can maintain it :-)
And my earlier post portrays my anger not frustration.
Another point I have heard from only three women.
Gotta get back to try and remove the picture of human female and a male pig out of my head. By the way continue your tirade over the “men-synonymous-pig” thing and you are in achieving your goal of keeping every same man away from you.
Over the grammatical mistake couldn’t help but pointing out also I would never comment against Sulagna , I like her writing etiquette a lot also she is a MBA from IIM-A never against such highly educated woman.
And please dear Charu don’t be mad but…her name is “Sulagna” not “sulgana” also names start with caps ;-)
NYZRockz
you are hillarious..
i am neither interested in keeping men alongside with me nor away . and by the way if you think i am lonely then that’s not true.pigs are of different species and also they can be trained if needed..:p
i was just talking about the cruelty that you guys shows towards the girls. in this case, wife hasn’t done anything wrong, but still she is living a miserable life thanks to the husband. what she is getting in return of the devotion and loyalty towards her husband and his family?
and yes i really think that women are far more better than men. men doesn’t contribute much to the household but still treat women in their life badly. i mean what they really do besides making money(wife do much more even if she doesn’t earn). and yes i forgot they give sperm and entertainment.
picking grammatical and spelling mistakes will not help you. unlike you i would comment against Sulagna if i find something that i don’t agree with. I also like her writing etiquette,never said that i don’t. it’s just that i can’t spend so much time on writing comments so that they can be correct by every means and guys like you won’t rip apart them.
and yes i have noticed that i am writing her name incorrectly every time . i regret that. but you won’t improve would you? you even noticed that i didn’t write in caps
This guy Anon is holding up even at this stage and you are criticizing him, if it would be me, I would take all the logs of her calls, get a lawyer for moving my assets to foreign investment and drag the girl to her parents with divorce pares with my signature and give a good talk to her family and if someone stands up against me, then the news of her “flings” would be public, in short I will guarantee that she won;t get married to a man in India
For the guy, time for talk and loving is up, you have a lifeless marriege but you can have life full of fun outside. If you pay good, the prostitute will be good, definitely much prettier than your wife. Then criticize her, she is not curvy, doesn’t have good lips etc.
Vardhan
i don’t see any reason for losing trust in her, yeah there is one thing so many messages. he needs to have good talk with her, it would be fine.
your advice is very outrageous and shows how immature and anti female you are. people like you are responsible for bad plight of the female in this country..
You don’t have to suffer like that at all, what love, she has behaved in a selfish way with no regard for you or your family. First get a lawyer, get a case for fraud, add clause of metal torture, it will be hard but find some more evidence of her relationship with her ex boyfriend, get some private detectives, since it is a current case they will take at most 35000 INR, ask the lawyer to help you with managing your properties and money. At max, it will take a month. After it file for divorce on grounds of fraud, mental torture, adultery in marriage, defamation. You have said she lives in a different place, if it was agreed before marriage is their any prof of that, if none file also on grounds that she is living att different place for no defined time as divorce. Try to get her in jail for 2nd and last, if not then heavy fine. As for her ex if your wife and he have sex, get a evidence of that and he will end up in jail for around 5 years. And your money will be safe, other that paying for 10%-15% of your salary for some time that too if she doesn’t have a job. I am sure after all these charges her lawyer will definitely advise her to get divorce by mutual consent, then you have thee ball in your court dictate your terms. In short you will be free, that bitch will get punishment for her crimes with her ex, they can continue their “love” ;)
Grow backbone and live life with respect.
LGuy
there is nothing she did that her husband should go for divorce. she had a relationship before her marriage and it’s ok. she tells him or not it’s her area. even if she did not tell him does not amount to adultery or fraud or defamation.
she is trying very hard to adapt in her marriage. she wanted with him that’s why she decided yo marry him.
you are giving very wrong advice to this guy. if he goes as told by you he will not destroy his life but his wife’s life who is innocent here..
Well Charu, if a prospective suitor asks about a girls past and she lies to him and gets married, the guy can file for fraud. As by hiding this information she has wrongfully taken his consent for marriage. As he says she messages her ex, a lot, 50% messages are to her ex, this is a very substantial evidence if he has to prove adultery. I am pretty sure the guy’s wife is cheating on him. And a wake up call for you, you may think that laws make sure women get huge alimony after divorce, it is not. He says she lives at other place, so definitely she must have a job. That is enough for him, he won’t have to give her huge sums of money.
My advice is right for the guy, it is better to be single then to be with some slut like his wife.
“Treat your wife the way you would want your father to treat your mother” every guy especially Indians should know this before marriage.
Many guys are saying that he should cheat, try reversing the situation, if you had sex before marriage and your wife cheats on you will you be ok with the situation.
You get your answer.
Let go, you have already passed 3 good years of your marriage, what have you achieved till now ? Continuing this what will you achieve in future ? , you cannot change her past, if you continue to give her the same guilt filled life, she will in her heart of hearts flash back to the good time she had spent with her ex. and it is natural. Let go and it will make your and her life better. Indian girls are really sensitive on this, if you let go she will be on cloud nine and you will get a wife who loves you a lot and guaranteed not to cheat on you. And think are you really such a shallow person that you can look at her after you have cheated on her. She is lying because she lacks trust in or it is a very bad past. More pain for you and her, that comes with the “truth”.
not telling about the premartial sex doesn’t make her wrong. you have no right to ask what she should tell you or not, you can’t judge her because of her past and what if she has sex with other guy. the body and decision are hers not yours.you are a sadist and sexist too. i would say your wife is kind of stupid she should have divorced a person like you.this is 21st century and you don’t have right and say to question your wedded wife..
So it is correct if we don’t tell about our job, finances etc. lying about my past will not make me wrong, so if some beggar dresses up good and lies, gets married to a good girl he is perfectly right. I thought that our pot bellied, 12th pass politicians are not good decision makers but you proved me wrong. Imagine a world when I can go to a shop tell him I am Bill Gates buy stuff and tell him I have already named some stocks after him and walk out as a right person. I agree that one should not stick on past but some things which are not reversible have to be considered. Would a girl marry a guy who took drugs in past, would you marry someone who has idled away hasn’t earned a penny even if he is willing now, No. And not judging by past ! you must be joking because according to your criteria there won’t be any difference between an IITian and a pvt. college engineer or a formula one racer and a rickshaw driver. Lady our present is because of our actions in our past. Yep the body and decision are hers but she she has no right to lie, if some guy approaches someone for marriage his degrees, nature etc. make an image of that person in your mind, if that appeals you, you marry him and after the thing he tells that image is falls, apply some brain and tell it is right or wrong. Yes my wife is stupid she fell into traps of 2 people who used her like a use-n-throw pen. And please I would me happiest person if she divorces me and leaves our daughter with me, but she will open her flood gates when I talk about divorce so I am shut on it. And whatever be the century, she is my wife I have the right to question her in a humanly manner and it goes the other way too and she exercises it much more frequently than me.
archit
its not right to hide your social status, finances or other important things. how can you compare sexual relationship of your wife with the finances or qualifications?? i am amazed.. both are poles apart .
you said some things are not irreversible and you should not hide those things. you are damn right. sexual things are not which are irreversible. they are part of life whether you are married or not. what is big deal? even students of 8th grade do his these days.
“you must be joking because according to your criteria there won’t be any difference between an IITian and a pvt. college engineer or a formula one racer and a rickshaw driver” its entirely different issue from sexual partners or history.. don’t deviate from topic.
okay think like this, what if those guys were your wife’s casual flings. but she decided to settle with you. may be she thought you can give her a luxurious and stable life compare to them. but what are you doing, you are making her unhappy by
suspecting her or by questioning her..
and please dont fret on above remark we chose our partners based on our need. nothing is wrong on that.
and yes its cruel to question her and unfair..being husband does not make you an interviewer.
often men forget that its their wife who gave them kids, its the wife who sacrifice, its them who leave their family to make someone else world.. and what you guys do, nothing. you just go to office and make some money. now think about what your wife do. you will get the answer…
They are not poles apart.
I wanted my wife to be virgin this was my criteria for marriage. She wanted me to be financially secure have good degrees, this was her criteria for marriage.
I have fulfilled her criteria, but mine was not ?
You are right that we marry based on our needs, she got her needs fulfilled but what of mine ?
It is big deal to me, I didn’t want someone who has no commitment or self respect, has loose character.
And in which school in India do they have 12th grade let alone 8th grade students having sex. P.S. I am not considering the ones in red-light ares.
I can give my wife a luxurious life and a perfect financial stability but I didn’t want a **** for wife who had flings, I needed a person with self respect and morals who like me saved herself for her marriage. She gave me a false image of herself so that I marry her. It is like submitting false documents for getting a job.
I made the comparison to emphasize that our past matters, it is our part.
And all the things that wife gives us is by her consent.
And earning money is not at all an easy task, I studied hard in my school to get in good college, then I studied hard there to get a good job, then I had to work hard there to get promotions. To get my current job I literally worked for it from my 10th standard, I made many sacrifices to get where I am. And even now waking up at 6:00 getting at hospital at 9:00 then continuing till 7:30 in evening. Some times I even get calls at 3:00 in night to get to hospital in 20 minutes. It is not “just go to office and make some money”. And what my wife does she gets our daughter ready for school and then she has whole day free, she doesn’t have to do any work, everything is done by our maids. Gossiping over phone, shopping, howling at me isn’t a tough job, I assure you.
Archit
demanding something sick can’t be justified.. you can’t compare between degrees, job and sexual past. it’s just sick. you are not marrying her past but with her future, think about it.
you should check out sexual surveys of metros, kids of 9th and 10th are having sex, showing promiscuity. i am from small town Nasik and it is here too. it’s just that we don’t know.. it’s under the carpet. so don’t think about red light area schools, you don’t need to go there to find out.
having sex before marriage doesn’t imply that girl has loose morale or doesn’t have self respect. you are being an oldie..:P
yes earning money is not easy task but also raising a child is not an easy task too..
Alright his demand may be sick in your view but it is his demand you don’t have any right to say it is justified or not, he is not forcing anyone. He married her, which includes everything her past, present and future. And please give a link to survey in which kids of 9th are said to have sex. Even in US the average age for losing virginity is 17, there is no way that the survey was correct. And girl a tip for you never put your location on net and that to if it is a small place, a person with good knowledge of google hacking can zero down on you. He is a oldie, it is the way he is, you have no right to judge him. HIS WIFE IS WRONG.
On the contrary check my link on a genuine survey on the issue.
Same situation, without parents knowing, same, wife not telling anything, try private detectives they are good. Although my mental state was much more disastrous, I was Suicidal as her ex taunted me how good my wife was in bed, I got him fired and got his performance certificate doctored, left the job myself took up a new job. Even today only my parents and sister are my anchor to the world. I have focused on my job and excelled, you should to. I have accepted my fate in my married life. I tried my best to let go, I had even but it was short-lived a big fight and a slip up is all that is needed to crash you back. Things like cheating are way beneath me. The biggest problem are kids, parents expect them. If the blog writer could give any suggestions how to manage that, I would be grateful. And I agree with Pratyush on the counselor thing totally, especially in the US they are useless. India has adopted the pre martial sex ting from west, why isn’t it adopting their divorce thing too.
To anyone who is about to marry an Indian girl, use private detectives before marriage or take a good look yourself, trusting them in such matters is a colossal mistake, they WILL lie. Even if you are type of person who is cool with sex before marriage.
That’s the thing with marrying someone you almost don’t know, you see. :( There are disadvantages. I fail to understand this paradox about Indians – we’re such a family-oriented people but the way we create the basic unit of family – i.e marriage – is full of mistrust and tends to become too much like business transactions. It involves private detectives, for example. Private detectives, to spy on someone who might become the person closest to you (spouse) in the future! What an irony! So far as premarital sex is concerned, I understand it can create issues in your marriage IF IT CONTINUES to affect your lives, like it has, in your case. But you see the best way to find it out is to spend time with the person – years, in fact – so that you can see for yourself if there’s any issue.
As for children, well, it’s all part of the same thing really. When you’re over this issue you’ll be like a normal couple hence having children would be normal. If not, you won’t be. Your parents “expecting” children out of you is natural. Everyone wants grandchildren. But them forcing on you is not. I hope that’s not the case here. If it so happens you can choose not to have children, right? Many people do it and you’re entitled to your choice.
A problem from the west so why not a solution from west. As said by many I would have told you same let go but wife keeping you like a stranger. Have an affair a good one continue it till you want after some guilt first time you will feel better, if you continue your poor husband thing it will only harm you. If you have your own visions, you wont have her visions. If our wife catches you don’t sweat say you are sorry etc. buy her a copy of “My husbands affair was the best thing that happened to me”, yes it is a book written by Anne Bercht. She wont cheat on you.
You can’t get to terms of her having sex before marriage firstly as said by many before donot find her past lovers. You can turn the tables if you want, it is a long procedure taking around a year. First tell her you have let go, then after a month tell her that your boss has reduced your salary a little. Act all morose and sad. Save the money you are left after your salary.
All women develop a “nagging” thing soon after marriage, many good men accept it. Have an affair now, check on the net for tips basic are use a different prepaid phone which is a simple one. Continue it till you want when you are satisfied reveal it carefully to your wife, tell you love her etc. pretend to be reading “how to win back your spouse” things, she can’t divorce you either. She will come around, a good thing about married Indian women is that if don’t assault her very badly hurt her etc. you don’t need to win her she loses herself.
Or be a good hubby and a fight is all what needs to bring you back to this page.
Common let go you pig, I can’t understand why Indian women take all this nonsense from their husbands. Indians pride that they have lowest divorce rates almost 1%, if these are the type of marriage “arrangements” then west is way much better to have high divorce rates, atleast we don’t have to feel guilty lifelong over puny things like this.
You’re bang on Jade. Indian married couples almost never divorce NOT because they want to stay with each other but because they have to. Divorce has very little social acceptance. Besides, most people marrying early and almost no one divorcing means if you divorce after a certain life stage (30-35 max), you’ll find it difficult to find another partner. That acts as another deterrant. And of course, for many Indian women marriage is the only ticket to financial security, because divorce being a “blasphemous act”, most married women’s parents don’t support them in case they divorce. For many such structural and practical reasons, Indians almost never divorce. It’s not on the account of supposedly increased compatibility fostered by arranged marriages. :)
Why should letting go be only solution in case when wife is to sits like a sack under the cover “You are stuck with me, you can’t do anything Ha Ha Ha”
It is very very bad to lie, the girl is not affected in anyway. And please what guilt, these girls don’t love us that is sure, how can they claim to love us when they base our marriage on lie, and they use every ounce of strength to lie to us forever!
Really you Google on ways to such things, ladies who have been married for years are showing the new generation way. They are proud on being a bitch, liar and they have the audacity to say “I love you” to their husband every anniversary.
I mean when my marriage was fixed, in my bio data there were attested copies of my degrees and my job letter ! What they wanted was made clear with proof which was verified, my junior was relative of their neighbor and they asked him about my “behavior”.
I am no love expert but just as a good person I’m even honest with my secretary when she asks me things related to our job. And there you are saying that girl will lie if not asked. Firstly I want to tell that it is NOT prerogative for a guy to think that his future wife is a virgin in India. Ask any Indian guy, almost 99.99% will want a virgin wife and think that their’s will be one, even the one’s who had their “experience”.
My advice to the guy is that he should divorcee that selfish woman if there is any way. I couldn’t as in my wife’s family she had 1 real younger sister and 2 cousin sisters who lived in same house. But in my case I think their whole family was involved as after I found out and I snooped around I found a pic of her whole family with her ex. She lived with him in same apartment for 2 YEARS in Bombay while her family lived in other city. Then he just dumped her like almost every case of “‘true’, ‘pure’ and ‘holy’ love” in India. Then she moped up and butchered my life. Only thing I have got out of this marriage is loss of all self-confidence, I now think that I am the most worst sexual partner on our planet, I have one of the worlds worst luck. And job, I have a very very good one but at a point of time money looks futile, you have a great car but it too drives you towards your “home”, you have a great luxurious house but you have to live in same room with you “life-partner”, you have worlds most advanced smartphone but to show the world you have to keep your “wife’s” pic on the home screen, you earn a lot but you don’t want to spend on yourself why do? to attract “your wife”, you get yearly “couple” vacations but you have to make excuses everywhere in the office you say “We are busy, next time”, at home you say “Due to low profits company has cut down on extra things”.
And it is the same Indian “reality” which has wired our minds that girl will be a virgin.
There are things which are pre assumed by both sides, I told her that I smoked occasionally voluntarily, guys who smoke are not welcomed with open hands.
Everyone has right to make their own choices, have sex with anyone, take drugs, smoke do anything you want, BUT stop being selfish, coward or very very obnoxious and tell your things to your future spouse, your image in their minds affects on these things. Societal reactions, parent anger etc. should be thought before doing these things.
The situation in west is different but there is a similarity, we wonder on our women’s “number” and they about ours. However best thing is letting go, cribbing continuously will frustrate you and your wife.
I may sound selfish but reading this piece has made me feel better, as most of guys above I too in same situation. I felt I am the only one or one of very few. Letting go, it is the most obvious route but practically very difficult. I wanted a good marriage, so after I found out I too tried to let go sincerely, I trimmed my job hours, tried a lot. I even gave up my promotion because it meant more work hours but as said by one guy one cannot clap with on hand, my wife didn’t want to work out, or a string of bad luck she always ended reminding me of her ex, indirectly. Then I started cracking I too included this in our fights. I gave up.
And now I am as one of many people in India stuck up with her. I didn’t had any gf as my college had a ratio of one girl to 10 boys. After my degree, I worked in India for a year that too involved a lot of travelling. After that I was posted in US, I would never touch any of those sluts in there, after the marriage experience of my friend there. His wife turned out to be a “Vegas slut”, well it is a term used for girls who work as prostitutes in Vegas, really it is true all you need is some money, good cologne, Google on one night stands and determination. And you have it.
Back to the point if your wife is willing please work it out or like me ignore.
As you have said there are 3 options:
1. Clear up the matter before marriage and don’t marry someone you have a problem with.
2. Divorce if you find out something after marriage which is unacceptable to you.
3. Stay and let go if you find out something after marriage which is unacceptable to you.
Well I asked before marriage and she showing her vast expanse of selfishness lied to me, and yet she had the audacity to ask if I had any partner before. So 1st option off.
Practically I cannot divorce her. I am ready to give up money too. but the societal things hamper it. So 2nd options is off.
I want to share my story, same arranged marriage, all my certificates, degrees, job letter were checked and cross-checked. We were married, things went great till 7 months, I always suspected her but I never bothered to look in it. She and her friends in our city had made a pact to meet every 6 months. I went with her, there I saw a guy who looked at her in a sad way, just something tinkered in my mind. One day as I was casually surfing in fb I found the guy, I snooped a lot and I found a big stack of her pics with him. I snooped around more hired some detectives and found out she has had sex before him, as there was a condom bill in her ex’s name when she lived with him and some more things. I countered her and same crying stuff happened. I thought rationally and I tried to let-go, not just in a moment everything vanished but I tried not to dwell on her ex. But the he stared chatting with her even though she replied to the point and very less still he was persistent as ever, he sent me friend request etc. I was livid, she couldn’t refuse him either as they had decided to be “friends”. I gave up, I knew he was wired in her now, mentally and physically. She tried a lot but things collapsed, and at the time of another meet 6 months later she refused but her friends turned up at our home and asked me, I let her go. Her ex was there too. After she was gone I ran all my videos of her having sex with him in my mind, one thing led to another now I have retired from working our marriage like guys above. I ignore her but she is very irritating which adds to my woes.
As for kids you can try IVF it is expensive but safe and useful. Now she suspects me, I talk to my friend she thinks I am cheating on her, she even suspects my co-workers. I hate her.
Letting go sounds too good and easy but in reality it is difficult, as said above a fight some frustration is all that is needed to bring you crashing back. And I admit I don’t have the strength to crash every 2 weeks and get back on track. Things gradually got worse as time passed by. Time may be healer but in our case it is a destructor.
So invariably the way automatically leads to the last thing it is a mental torture for me but I cannot say for her as she still goes to their periodic meetings with her friends. I meet my friends too but they are a decent educated lot and I take her with me. But her friends are a bunch of cheap losers who have nothing to do except count for their next meeting and come jumping to our house.
I am very very sorry for you, it will be helpful for you to hear that I am in same category. Firstly if you have any thought of happy good marriage, chuck it out, it is not possible and don’t waste your time and energy into making something impossible possible. And stop asking your wife about her past she will lie, no matter how calmly you ask, how peacefully soothingly or anything. If you want the truth private detectives are your cup of tea. Your situation is much much better than mine, only your parents know at-least they won’t spread it out. In my case, her friend tipped of his friend who is a junior at my office and things spread. From a confident, highly educated person I was turned into an object of mocks, whispers behind my back and pity. And I couldn’t leave the job as I was on contract for 3 years, so I had it all for 3 years. Those 3 years broke me completely, I cried some days and I still wonder how did I manage not to suicide. And my wife’s past added the icing to my pain cake. Her first boyfriend was a school buddy and they got in same college, 2 months after college he dumped her. Then her second yes she had 2, was a office chap. Things for 4 years got dumped. Lied to me, after my daughter I found out. I literally got a piece of garbage for wife. Your wife probably had one. Ignore her and clearly tell her the she has blown up her and your life, nothing will make it good, so just live the life of extensive mental stress, sexual deprivation like many of us guys and make it clear she did it to you and herself. Crime without punishment is not great way. And please if western culture is modern we are better, you can see 16 year old buying condoms there. Cheating is in the air. Only difference between western people and animals is use of contraceptives. I went there on a company conference, during the after party my western colleague told me that he had a room booked for himself and a our technicians wife. I was aghast really. I am writing this on festival, as we had another fight and I bumped on this site. Letting go doesn’t help, whenever she did something for me in bed I thought that she did it with her exes and stuff and the mental videos are a tumor. They grow as the time passes. One way of stopping them is no sex, yeah it is a hard but effective way. All my love has burned up and I have even told her that she is free to have sex with any of her ex so as to stop pestering me. Really the sooner you give up the better, the lesser pain for you. It is like trying to break a steel door by a needle. And 5 years later check if you have any trace of love left. And the money point by Shubham is 100% true.
Yes it matters, a marriage in which one partner is not virgin burns up real quick if it is arranged marriage. i found out 7 years after marriage I am devastated, our marriage is now up in flames, an I am writing on this hour as I am out on the terrace trying to clear my mind but the mental videos like everyone has said pop up.
Jaspreet relax. I know this is difficult for you, but you know the simple thing that helps in moments like these? To tell yourself, “This too shall pass.” I’ve been through and successfully overcome relationship challenges of my own and hence I know.
My heartiest best wishes.
jaspreet
its sad to know that after seven years of marriage you still value the sexual life of your wife before marriage. you are an ungrateful husband who doesn’t care about the dedication of your wife for you and your family. you should be ashamed..
your wife is not your property.. respect her and her decisions no matter what. no offence but guys like you disgust me..
Charu, I can’t thank you enough for voicing your opinion so bravely. :)
“Seven years of marriage” based on partial truth if not lie, no wonder he feels cheated. It’s she who can’t stand for her actions, if she can’t bring herself to be accept her actions, how can she expect him too expect the same and don’t give me Indian society “Crap” , she didn’t care anyway about it before why now? perhaps if she was so strong why she gave up on love marriage? and went for an arranged one, people need to stand for their actions then only will society change.
Her hypocrisy is so overwhelming and your refusal to even acknowledge it is appalling. If you have some demons of your own don’t dump it on others no one is judging you in-fact no one cares . No offence but its people like you that disgust me.
gaurav
not telling the truth doesn’t mean partial truth or lies. and in this case, he is talking about what happened before marriage. husband doesn’t need to know what his wife did before marriage. he is not part of her life before marriage so he has no right to ask or know. and from where does it come that she doesn’t stand for her actions? it’s not at all important to dwell in past, it’s doesn’t hold any value. and if husband do it then it proves how immature he is.she loved a guy and made love, it’s natural and harmless but dwelling on past even talking about that is not natural. i don’t understand why should she feel guilty about sex she had before marriage. and also why would she tell her husband about past before marriage. the husband married with her future not with her past. one need to understand that.
i don’t find her as a hypocrite as she didn’t tell lies, she just didn’t talk about her past. even if she lied about her past it doesn’t mean anything as it was her past(before marriage).
Charu,
Whatever you are talking about is love marriage not arranged marriage and I am labeling her hypocrite because she had no problems in making sure that guy was financially good while at the same time keeping some facts hidden that could have might not have gone in her favor in-fact it seems she married him for her future only, she had no regards for his believes perhaps she should have verified his maturity first rather than going for his financial stability.
There is nothing wrong in having some expectation with your spouse, virginity can be a deal breaker for someone (men and women both), your opinion on this matter labels all of them immature instead it should be labeling them as of loose character or promiscuous, believes are part of an identity and when even one of them is robbed you lose a whole person as all together, your view seems to me as that of a religious fanatic who holds his religion as the best while dismissing others as false .
Dwelling in past is of no value very true but at the same time your past is also a part of your identity, I am not sure what is wrong in acknowledging it even if not wearing it with pride. The fact that he can make her guilty is because she FEELS GUILTY!, in-fact it looks like she REGRETS! it, which is worst of all sorrows.
We can take up whatever reason that appeals to our conscience or even ego to prove a point, just as you refuse the husbands right to even ask her past, the same way an incredibly rich guy can assert that he can have many mistresses as he like and wife can’t question him instead she should be grateful that he choose her because he comes with obvious benefits.
As for your some comment on loyalty, loyalty is a two way street, dogs are not just loyal they are blindly loyal that is why they are dogs, a dog will return to his master wagging its tail even when landed with a kick, a human being with self respect will reward you with same gesture.
Gaurav
i don’t think if there is much difference between love marriage and arrange marriage.you can say in love marriage guy knows the past life of his wife. but it depends upon what he is expecting from her(many times virginity or not being a promiscuous person) and what she wants to tell him.in case guy can not handle the past then she will lie. and in other case if she doesn’t want to tell him the truth then she will lie. in both cases, there is a common thing and that is sexual past of the wife/girl. even if she lie about her past does not make her bad. it’s the guy who is asking the wrong question or expecting something that doesn’t mean anything.
everyone goes for something that he/she wants in his/her partner.like girls seeks financial security and guy seeks beauty and etc. but expecting virginity or some sort of sexual behavior( like she should not be a promiscuous person in past) can not be justified.
everyone has some kind of expectations but weird expectations.. ?? virginity should not be a deal breaker and if it is, then that person can be labeled as “misfit” or “weird”.being a promiscuous person does not make someone of a loose character if that person did not enter in a committed relationship. and yes i am not branding everyone wrong who does not agree with me, don’t compare with me religious fanatics. it’s just that you guys have double standards and weird and unrealistic expectations from your partners.
one’s past is integral part of theirs and i had said that it earlier. why a person would feel guilty if she didn’t do anything wrong? having physical relationship before marriage and being friends with the ex is not wrong, one should not hide all this. there is nothing to be ashamed about it. but what can you do if your husband or would be husband is from ancient age.
in Jaspreet case, he is fretting about virginity issue, being friends and have chat with the ex bf.and this is wrong. what she did is not at all wrong. she was right to hide all these things from him.
why would she feel guilty for having sex and being friends with her ex? it’s the husband who is showing cruelty towards her by being unreasonable.
i think there is difference between not telling about pre-martial sex and having mistresses. you can not justify this, not a valid argument.
i called men pigs because of their refusal to live in present and accept the truth. i never justified cheating unless you don’t care about consequences.
Virginity is definitely weird expectation, even guys in west have expectation about number of partners before them. So obviously the whole world is not misfit. And about someone who is “misfit” if he expects virginity, check on our adults or other 90 % boys, please don’t tell me that our whole batch of ancestors and the majority of current population is “misfit”.
If a girl who has had “fun filled” past is not of loose character then who is? She is, what is the guarantee that she won’t rekindle her romance with her ex if her marriage is going through rough patch ?
You are saying that husband is “not reasonable” , “cruel” then why marry him?
And Gaurav’s argument is valid. The point is of our expectations, wife is alright in lying because it will not be acceptable to her husband, same way the rich guy is justified in lying to his wife about mistresses as the truth won’t be acceptable to his wife.
Archit
you can’t judge a girl just because she has had “fun-filled life” in past.. sex can’t be a parameter to judge a girl if she doesn’t stray in her relationships.
wife is “lying” about her past not present.. so you can’t justify cheating on guy’s side after marriage.
Charu,
You are an impossible person, you keep attacking others by name calling who don’t agree to your views, you are exactly behaving like a religious fanatic who will come with whatever reason to prove other religion false.
I read some article on detectives and it seems that they are mostly hired by brides side of the family, so the fairer sex for which you have been advocating doesn’t agree with you either, its just they are not arrogant enough to confront you for calling them misfit.
Everyone has the right to draw his morality line and they don’t need anyone’s approval for that matter .
I know of this much talked incident in my city where the wife was not virgin and her actions after marriage were little suspicious, the guy hired detectives and got some proof of her affair before marriage and filled for divorce , it just so happens his Father in Law was in police force, he threatened him for dire consequences and even got one of his close relative in a fatal accident to get him to drop the case, at which the guy almost lost it and decided to go guns blazing and made it clear to his Father in Law that he doesn’t care about courts hearing he will expose her daughter to the everyone and he will taunted by his colleagues and relatives for all life long and will have tough time marrying off his other children and to add to little incentive he tipped one of FIL’s relative who happens to hate him as well. FIL took a back step and I heard they divorced soon after and he got to keep everything he received in dowry as well.
thats wat we are saying don’t marry guys like us .successful ,hardworking ,goodlooking and virgin .and i would love my virgin wife so much.
How easily I am branded as an ungrateful husband. No offence but you are an immature girl who is venting her frustration, guilt etc. on internet. A phrase which fits on you “A thief wants a lawless universe.” Really what do you expect, I learn the truth, I quickly press the “delete” button and resume back to normal.
You are implying that only she was the one who had put up all the effort while I was sleeping. She has shown respect and dedication to my family but I have shown it to her family also. And it is just 4 people in our house, me, my wife, our angel and maid. My parents don’t live with us. And how does my earlier comment portray the image that I consider my wife as my property, Please do elaborate on this aspect, a sincere request.
Her ex was the one who “enlightened” me, I hate him, I was having a great life but just 20 min. wrecked it all. No contact with ex policy is the best way to keep your marriage. Literally he had the reins of our marriage all that time, he could snap it anytime. For girls about to lie some man whom they are going to get married, please sort out your ex first, give him sex, money anything but sort him first. Sadly is cases like ours for the girl ex should take precedence over husband as husband won’t go anywhere, but ex can snap your marriage like a twig.
Coming back to point. yes I am hanging up because of a lot of factors, first and the foremost our angel daughter, I cannot ever dream of making her a “single-parent-child” I won’t divorce my wife that is for sure also I am with her because of society things and my love for my wife, which is I am sorry to say is vaporizing very fast. We have had more fights in last month than total in 7 golden years of our marriage. You don’t know the impact of being lied for 7 years by the most important person in your life who you kept above yourself. It blasts you. He is was her fb friend and they even had some chats. I have bombarded my brain with ideas of letting go, following the idea that this will pass too. But I know that our marriage will never be the same as before and no I cannot love her now.
Our marriage will not fall but our mental bond has fallen.
Surely I don’t want this but this has happened.
Most we can get now is passing a day without arguing which hasn’t happened. I understand that life is not a walk on roses but this has really shocked me. I am getting frustrated, her ex even though is married, hell bent on getting us divorced, he “accidentally” mailed me their pics, I have threatened legal action against him which has closed him. But my curiosity is pestering me to contact him and get the “details”, I want to shout at my wife but I cannot, she has drowned in guilt. Recently the topic of our first still born baby came up in our fight which led to another whole night fight. Things are going downhill. We snap at each other for small things. And the mental videos are just killing me. Advice to control them please.
charu gautam
your comments didn’t surprise me. somewhere in the post you commented that men are useless pigs, and have no role except making money. you didn’t surprise me because i have seen many “liberated and modern ” girls like you.
jaspreet
“immature ” is the right word to describe you not me. why would i feel guilty for anything when i did nothing. i just voice my opinion and said the right thing.
you learnt the truth and you suppose to not whine about that. she made love with her ex or has had a casual fling, what’s the big deal. it was before marriage and it doesn’t hold any value now. either she says about it or not, there is no point to think about her in bad light.and it’s her personal life, she tells you or not it’s her decision.
you are the primary breadwinner(may be) so i you contributed in a way but not like she did. she left her house to make a different world with you. she gave you a daughter, she took care of your home and you. and most importantly she loved you.what you did in return you made her unhappy. so yeah she is more sacrificing and greater than you.
when you asked her about her past, her sexual experience you made her a commodity right then. you insulted her by asking about her sexual past and showing anger for what she did.
why does it matter that who told you? you should accept her past relationship and her ex bf. and why does she need to disconnect with him or the relationship? i mean her ex and sexual relationship are integral part of her life, she should cherish it.sorting out past relationships, and by too with giving money and sex shows your cheap and dirty thinking. your post also shows how old fashioned you are..
as you said you had a 7 golden years of marriage and you loved her. then how come you have a different thought about it now. just knowing about sexual encounters of her and that too before marriage was enough to question her. you never loved her actually..
you made your wife feel guilty for a trivial issue, you should be very proud of that..
First and foremost, I am sure Jaspreet didn’t force her wife to marry him, it was her decision to marry him, to leave her house etc. if she didn’t want to she could remain unmarried for her life and enjoy her parents house. He cared for her too, he loved her too, their daughter was a “MUTUAL” decision. His views are his, you shouldn’t condemn them by saying them as old-fashioned.
If her ex and past are so important part then so be it, he didn’t want such a wife. She should have told him, Ex. If I smoke and I lie to my to-be-spouse about it, wrong. She lied to him about facts which hold value to him which would have influenced his decision to marry her and she lied for another 7 years, what is proof that such a selfish person will not lie to him in future or is not hiding some other fact currently?
Archit
yeah true Jaspreet didn’t force her wife to marry him. but she loved and cared about him too. he is not the only one who has invested so many years in this marriage.
his thought about pre-martial sex is not only old fashioned but it shows he views his wife as an object. he has no respect for the investment that his wife ha made over the years.
come on, you can not compare it with smoking habits or lying. she did not lie at all or even if she did after marriage i am sure bcz her husband is a complete jerk..
So she thinks husband is jerk, his views are old fashioned, then don’t marry him, his financial stability etc. came with his old fashioned views, you need to accept the whole package. What love when she had such a bad opinion about his mindset, she didn’t respect him as a person. nd he has respect of the investment that his wife has made or she would be out by now.
Jaspreet,
It’s a really good thing that you are looking for advice in this difficult time. Many people don’t understand that in this situation, the guy does not have anyone to talk to, and it increases the problem. I like the author of this blog. i would suggest you to mail her for counselling.
Also, I am not an expert, but if you would still want a different viewpoint on this topic, you may visit my blog. See if that helps.
Remember, other’s may give thousands of advises, but its you who have to do. Choose what you want, and gather strength to do it.
And, ss author said “this too shall pass”.
jaspreet
you should forget the past and think about future. as charu rightly said you married with your wife’s future not with her past.
she didn’t lie at first place(going by your account) and even if she lied it was for you. it was for her and your future.
give her love and support that she deserves after your immature outburst for no reason.
Charu,
Instead of passing your judgmental opinions and getting disgusting with guys’ emotional trauma – understand that just as the girl’s body is not husband’s property, the guy’s mind is not wife’s property.
You might feel that lying and breaching of trust is not a big thing, these guys feel otherwise. To each his own. So, I implore you to please stop telling guys to be ashamed of themselves.
Author,
I could not understand, what is brave about throwing emotional and verbal abuses, or telling people to take revenge via false accusations ?
Anurag,
Before it could reach this blog, my comment was modified somewhere in the internet wires. “Would like to connect with you more directly.” refers to click on my name above, if you want to know my opinion in detail.
Aguy
so you are supporting husband’s immature behavior which is because of her wife’s past. what is connection between his wife’s past and him? she didn’t lie, she just did not give meaning to her sexual past. it was her decision to have fun before marriage that ends after she met her husband. guy’s mind is not his wife’s property but fretting about his wife’s past is of no use and not justified.
i never said that betraying is not a big thing. i just said that she didn’t lie and didn’t cheat on her husband. for god’s sake it was before marriage, husband has no right to ask about her past or dont need to fret about that..
Charu,
Which wife are we talking about in the above comment ? Many wives have been discussed here:- some lied before marriage, some didnt discuss before marriage, and some are still lying.
Anyways,
1. Lets not justify “lying” by saying that is “meaningless thing”. That’s the easiet reason one would give to prove that “lying was ok” and was not bad.
2. fretting on his past, his wife’s past, current corruption scenario , india’s losing in cricket, or even dying of cancer – is no use !! But its human to fret, to worry. Are you suggesting husbands do not have a right to show human emotions anymore ?
3. Guys and girls have every right to chose the person they wish to marry. If a guy believes that choosing requires him asking about her past – then asking about past is his right !! Girl may tell him that she wont answer about past – thats her right. Lying is nobody’s right – not by law, by society or by human decency.
Let me remove the gender and then consider the situation
1. person does not want to feel guilty of being a liar, so in order to lie be justified, person tells itself that its a small thing, not worthy to be discussed anyway.
2. When the spouse gets angry over the lie, person gets defensive and give 20 more reasons to justify the lie – modern world, human right , social inequality , etc etc.
3. When that does not help, person starts blaming the spouse for not being supportive, unable to let go of past, ruining its life, being emotionally immature , etc.
4. now the person believes that it has 20 reasons to justify its lie, and 20 reasons why the spouse is the one who is at fault.
5. Person likes its image in the mirror now :)
The above scenario is what I feel has happened in all these cases. Please correct me if I am wrong anywhere.
Also, I feel that the ‘pigs’ will not post here. the ‘pigs’ would do something ‘piggy’ in revenge and find reasons for its justification , and blame their spouses in return.
They, most probably, will not come here and post about their feelings, coz thats very un-piggy ;)
Also, please visit my blog. You may see that I am not “supporting” any kind of behavior :)
AGuy
lying is bad but you should think about the implications of telling the truth(that is sexual past which is not important) that she can face. as sulagna said in india it’s not easy to speak truth.as far as wife is loyal after marriage, lying about sex before marriage is alright.
actually no one is bother about lying here, they are traumatized by the imagination of their wife with others, to be precise. that’s why i am saying it’s very trivial thing, it’s wrong to suspect the wife or question her about past. as long as it is concerned with collecting information then it’s alright. but husband’s need to assure their wives..
Charu ,
What ever reasons one may give regarding this lie – about society, husband’s fault, small thing, just sex, etc etc … wont you agree that this lie is not a trivial thing? Because, If it was, we would not be having this discussion today :) 133 Comments on this blog post wont be there !
Whenever you go against a society, you need courage to speak the truth, so instead of blaming “India”, can we just say that required courage was missing in this case ?
husband’s need to assure their wives – I agree…. but somehow, I feel a fake/temporary assurance will not work. It has to be a true “from heart” assurance. How can a guy give true assurances, when he is involved this emotional battle and angry with wife, life and himself ? I need to think about this one. Any pointers, Charu / Author ? ( I am keeping love out of picture here )
Charu, I need a girl’s point of view on this one point –
Implications of sex before marriage are none (ie. it is a small thing )- because its the girl right – and society/parents should not get to complain …….. but implications of saying truth are bad – because society and the parents will punish the girl. I could not understand, how these two make sense together. If you can help make me understand, please do :)
The way I see this point, is , that – One can do anything he/she want, until he/she can keep it hidden from the society, parents (wife, husband, children, etc ) ? The problem comes when there is a danger of exposure – and then any tactics used to save ourselves from society(parent, wife, husband, children etc ) is now justified ? Is that it ?
AGuy
you can not find an ideal person or thing today, you can even search in past too, won’t get one.
simple and plain thing is if men can not digest the truth then it’s right thing to hide them.it would be for greater good and for everyone.
yes wife didn’t have courage but who is responsible for that, men. as Sulagna said nothing would come out from past. so think about future.
about assurance part, leave it on wife if she want to tell and if yes then when.
having sex before marriage is nothing to do with morality. girl can choose not to tell the parents and would be husband if they feel that they would not take it normally. why would a girl face punishment for no fault of hers?
it can be justified if you are talking about sexual past, since others are not that evolved.
Sorry you may have misinterpreted out POV. We DO CARE ABOUT OUR WIFE”S PAST, WE ARE VERY MUCH HURT BY LYING.
Our imagination of our wife with others is a part of the effects.
Archit
then how and where would you find a girl for marriage??
imagination of wife with others is your weakness and shows pervert mind of yours..
live and let live, don’t be a prude…
There are many girls who remain virgin, or have back to tell a prospective groom about her past, know a person who told about her past and I was stupid to reject her, she was truthful after getting married to this lying slut I understand the value of her truth. You are saying that guys who fret about virginity are good for nothing ,backward and the list goes on, then why marry them why don’t try to find a open minded guy ?
AGuy
just because there are many comments on this post doesn’t mean it’s an all important thing in a couple’s life. husbands need to assure their wives that whatever would be the truth they will not hold it against them. wife should be free to speak about the truth whenever she feels free. husband should not exert pressure on them. just left it on the wife.. she will tell the truth one day.
what can one do if society and families has not changed or modernised ? it’s society shortcoming..
wife is not accountable to anyone including her husband for her sexual past, plain and simple..
Yeah truth, my ***, take Jaspreet’s case, his wife hasn’t told him even after 7 years, when was she planning to tell the truth, his death bed or what? Or search on google how to hide virginity etc. you will get a good chunk or replies on posts from ladies who are proudly hiding their past from their “beloved” for years, they deserve to be boiled in acid.
And loyalty it is expected, you are getting married, if you still think that there is scope for your flings then better kill yourself, one cheap bimbo down will be good in every aspect. And what will you do of “loyalty” in marriage when you have been LIED for getting married.
The “wives” discussed in this situations are not doing any favour to their husbands, there are plenty of good girls, it is just their bad luck that they got stuck up with these sluts. As for modern society, the grass always looks greener on the other side, in modern society, divorce is accepted and if that were the case, these sluts would be out of the house before they even knew what happened.
“what can one do if society and families has not changed or modernised ? it’s society shortcoming..” either get away from it or follow it.
And wife is accountable for her past just like a husband is accountable to her for his finances etc.
And you are pinnacle of daftness or what? these comments signify the gravity if this matter.
san
not telling about past does not mean that you will continue it after marriage.
wife can not be held accountable for past which has nothing to do with future that she is going to share with her husband. but yes finances are important bcz that is for future purposes..
these comments does not say that sex before marriage is a big issue instead it says there are plenty of sick and good for nothing people are around us in this society..
Well Charu, how will you survive in India, you come to US the most liberal nation in the world for sex. Then you head to NY, California, LA, Vegas, any of theses cities where you will find one of the most liberal guys in the world who are very cool with sex but they to prod about the past of their “serious” partner, not like pvt. detectives of stuff but they ask casually etc. and you are saying ” husband has no right to ask about her past or dont need to fret about that..” even those guys will fret if you past is umm too much “fun-filled” and you are in India !!
Being an NRI, if you look at both the scenarios its the same thing with less of “love making “.
I wish you best to try and find a Indian guy with such “open-mindedness” or I should say “mindless” :-) . Even though ( Indian POV ) I think that hubby shouldn’t cling to her past like I cling to hot girls. But he has every right to be angry, if I were in his or any of the “victim” guys shoes I would too think, How can I trust a person who lied to me about such an important thing ( Indian scenario ), when she knew it is troublesome for me and got us married ? And the answer would be NO unless she puts in some serious effort to prove me otherwise. And if she hits back by standing behind the ideals like yours, she is out.
NYZRockz
you don’t need to bother about me, i have a very good life here.
why would a husband ask his wife’s sexual past? he shouldn’t. and if he asks, answer should be depend upon the husband’s attitude towards those things. here they can’t take it so nothing is wrong in lying. i think it’s not right to ask about wife’s sexual past and if husband asks it reveals the sick and cruel side of him. she can’t get rid of him so it’s okay to lie.
i didn’t find your comment in good taste when you said “mindless”. there is nothing wrong if a girl indulges in sex before marriage or if she has have a fun filled life. and as i said it’s okay to lie about it since these things doesn’t matter if you you get hitched. what can one do if boys are gender biased and cruel.. and their questions are sick.
if its ain’t sin to have past sexual encounters whats morally wrong in post marriage flings.btw i am a 27 year old virgin.
amit kumar
why r u giving so much importance to sex? and yes post martial sex is bad.. really bad.
amit kumar
why r u giving so much importance to sex? and yes post martial sex is bad.. really bad.
not accepting the responsibility of flings after marriage is bad.
you are right amit, cause these sluts definitely don’t love their husbands, how can you love someone at the same time lie to them about something which is very important to him for your selfishness.
Since it is acceptable to lie before marriage for the “greater good” then it should be alright for husbands too lie after marriage for “their” good, he may want to fuck someone else because no one likes to fuck a slut of a wife.
sam
calling sluts those who had sex before marriage is not acceptable. don’t stoop so low have some respect for girls. lying for keeping the marriage intact is different than having post-martial affairs.
Nadir, opinions can differ. Abuse is in no way acceptable on this site. Hence I’ve had to delete your comment.
Why did she marry him if her “fun” ends, he didn’t force her to marry him. The real reason is because these type of girls are cheap, selfish and have no self respect.
She didn’t tel him because she was ashamed of her past, she couldn’t stand up for herself. She knew no good man would marry someone like her willingly so she chose the lie method.
Jaspreet do what feels good to you, don’t care the hell about her, the choice is yours.
naven
what if she didn’t tell him about her past?? it doesn’t matter.. that is not important to know to her husband..
Jaspreet is being unreasonable by sulking on his wife past..
and how can you say these abusive words for a girl if she had have sex with her bf’s.. it’s her right to have or have not sex with others and also talk about that or not .. it’s her decision..
Naven
she married because it was an arranged marriage and maybe her “fun” days ended or she decided to end.. how does it make her cheap and selfish?
everyone has a reason to go for someone special; some choose love,some choose money. nothing is wrong in that.
He chose virginity. simple.
You think you are in worse possible situation no, mine is much more bad then yours. I found out just 3 months after marriage, we didn’t have sex till 1 month after our marriage, when we had it first time a little blood came out of her vagina, I thought maybe it was hymen but it was consistent, even after her periods she used to bleed, I took her to a gynecologist and the gynae. told her it was because of her past abortion which was not done correctly but she told the gynae. not to tell me and lied to me, but the gynae. called me next day and told me the true case. I was like all you guys shattered but the gynae. told me not to stress her as she was on a very sensitive medical situation. I left from my office and thought about it all for whole day, I returned in evening usually and didn’t talk about that with her. She till today thinks that I don’t know about her past and I will keep it that way not only because of her health but because I love her, if I tell no doubt she will feel guilty and even when I forgive her she will feel obliged to me and I don’t want that. I want a wife not a servant. Letting go is the most logical choice. Cheating is for losers. If you look in my case, I have to bear the costs of highly expensive infertility treatment we cannot have sex until she gets fine, I have to do a lot of household chores our weekends are spent at the hospital, I have to work overtime to cover it all her treatment, new house installments etc. one may say that I have all the disadvantages of being married without any advantage but still I am holding up. I believe that this will pass like all bad times.
Ans she is doing the best she can.
As for the mental pictures, they are part of same thing, why think about her past just try your best to forget it, the more you focus on it the more you will get in it.
Life is very short, you continue to frustrate both you and your wife and you will die as a sad person who just harped on his wife’s past for lifetime. Yeah and don’t find her ex, it is of no use. But you should consider that she is over her past or not.
thank u lord ram.ur a fucking looser .at least bang some chick outside .don’t tell her .tit for tat
Chinmay
whatever happened is sad but how you are facing it is praiseworthy.
you let go of past despite she cheated on you. i would say you are doing the right thing but do you know that she is over her past???
as you said it’s important to know and you don’t know that..
Chinmay
i wish everyone would have like you, fair and honest. there are lot of guys who doesn’t understand that marriage are for future where past doesn’t matter..
Seriously, leave her.
Yes it matters, I too lied before marriage due to obvious reasons and I had good married life, I didn’t leave my past for money etc. but because he left me like most of sick Indian boys.
My husband found out just after 8 months, he was very upset but he had never cheated on me. From that day he changed, he was no longer the jolly person he used to be, he just shelled up became more serious, no more jokes, no teasing etc. even though he has never blamed me or abused me.
He had lost all interest in sex, he does it only when I initiate it, then too he does it like a robot nothing new or different, he never asks me to do any of his work, never tells me any of his problems. He has turned into a robot who replies to whatever you ask, does whatever you ask him to do and asks barely anything in return, even his parents noticed the change. He has cut off from all friends, his last fb post was a year ago, he has put a lot of focus into his work. He is always working in his free time.
Before he knew “it” he was a full of life person, mobile games, new clothes etc. , I don’t what to do so he switches back to his old self. I have asked him, tried to talk to him but he brushed it off and when it press the matter he gets angry.
Even though my comment is off topic can the blog writer give any tips for women who are in this situation, in separate post or as a comment.
Anonymous
i don’t understand why does it matter.. it was your past, you are being faithful and a good wife for him.
it’s good that he doesn’t tell you to do any of his work, you are not his maid or do you consider yourself a maid of his?
he is being cruel towards you by not communicating with you, by not having quality sex with you. he is emotionally torturing you. you should talk to him, make him understand that what he is doing is wrong. and please don’t consider yourself guilty because you are not.if he refuse to understand then get out of this marriage. you would not loose much as divorce laws are very much women friendly..
and be strong..
Charu, I’ve seen many of your comments. So picking this one randomly for replying.
I want to thank you for your support, and for your courage. You’re a lone struggler holding your ground in this comments thread which has now become a battleground for a violent crossfire between the bigotic and the rational. This site really owes you one for keeping up the discussion by relentlessly holding up the dangerously unpopular alternative view at the cost of putting yourself in the line of bigotic fire, so to speak.
Sulagna
thank you Sulagna. isha is supporting me, other than her i am alone here who is talking sense.
Anonymous
first of all you didn’t do anything wrong,so stop feeling guilty. he is being unreasonable and cruel. you need to stand up for yourself. talk to him calmly and make him understand his fault. tell him that whatever you did was your past and you love him..
Anonymous
he is punishing you for what you did. but this is not the time to get revenge or to get disconnected with you and friends, you need to make him understand. whatever happened is your past and if he is ready to forget everything then he should work on marriage.
his actions shows he is averse of the idea of divorce, so you need to be really patient. have a conversation with him..
There we have aa bimbo who lied “for obvious reasons”, your husband is really good that he is not cheating on you, sorry why cheating, it is cheating if you loved him hell you don’t have even sympathy for him. Either divorce him, or just die, he will be better without someone like you stuck with him. What is there to talk, how good was your ex? what all you did? what positions did you use?
And why would he initiate sex with you, I have said before no one likes to fuck a slut of a wife.
Tips for you
Just Leave him NOW.
I am not saying as my personal view that pre martial sex matters but as a conclusion I have drawn from my situation.
In general sense, it is good that my husband doesn’t tell me to do any of his work but no work means nothing, absolutely nothing, he exhausts himself very badly at the end of the day and he does all mine work even when I tell him not to, he would wash clothes, dry them, iron them, all he does is work, household work or office work. Work should be shared between us and no sharing OUR work doesn’t make me his maid. He has made himself a dumping point for all problems, he tries to stay busy all the time.
As for communication, as I have said before he replies to whatever I ask, if I ask about anything related to him, he says “It’s good, as usual”.
As for sex, emotional thing is completely gone, he however does make sure I get my orgasm and that’s it, end no cuddling etc.
I have tried to tell him to blurt out his feelings, allow me to help him, talk to me, said I love him, apologized, do anything but he says he is fine, he is alight just work pressure due to promotion. When I talk about my past, he says “Please don’t blame yourself, I don’t, I am not broad minded enough to let it go completely but I assure you I won’t lax in any of my duties towards you and please I don’t want to talk about again if possible”
I even arranged a romantic dinner, even though he didn’t get angry but after it was over, he said “I really appreciate what you did but you shouldn’t exert yourself, there was no need for it, I am fine, thank you”
And divorce on what grounds : mental torture, no one can get tortured because husband does all work like a robot, gives his complete salary, spends nothing on himself, everything on me, does whatever I say : cheating, he isn’t : sex he does it whenever I want him to, never asks me to do same : in-laws, they don’t live with us nor they are demanding, they are financially independent and havr treated me as family : abuse like I have said before,never : only thong is he works a lot, but when I ask he arranges time for all functions etc. But I am sure he will even divorce me if I ask him.
And please don’t call him anything bad like cruel, unreasonable etc. technically it is my fault, he was great before all this.
he has the ‘good guy syndrome’. he does not want to see someone, specially her wife, get hurt due to his anger, he is killing his own personality.a time will come when either he will become a zombie who does not have emotional feelings, or he will have an emotional breakdown and will be at his worst.
a normal marriage with love and simple fights will not be there.
i would recommend that stop trying to talk.if he does not let you work, accompany him in all his work. do nothing, sit there with the guy who is killing himself for your sake. if he does not talk, sit there waiting for him to talk about other things in his life.
do not bring this topic until he feels he is ready to fight the daemons. and you do not know how scary these daemons will be.
so wait and be there with him.
and feeling guilty will not help anyone
Anonymous
and yes as above comment says he can’t live like this for long. he would have emotional breakdown and that would be worst for him and you.
before thinking about divorce, give a serious thought to talk.
Anonymous
in a way it’s good that you don’t have to work at all.. seriously. you can search a job, you would not have to think about these trivial things..
but if he does all the work and exhausts himself then it’s not good. it’s emotional abuse, he is trying to prove a point. you should be careful. talk to him and make him understand that you need his time too..
as for communications if he only reply your questions half hearted then it’s like being in silent mode. it’s same in sex, you are not a robot, besides sex you need emotional support and he has failed to provide it.
if you are unsuccessful then demand a divorce. you said he will give it. but make sure you get equal portion of his assets. it would be tiring and lengthy but laws are helpful for females now.
whatever you do, don’t be in a loveless marriage. there is only one life to live, live it fullest and with dignity..
Anonymous
he needs your help badly so help him to get out of this mental trauma. if he goes like this he would get emotionally exhaust very soon and that would be very very bad for him and your marriage.. either help him to get out of this situation or divorce him. at least now you should be kind towards him..
Soon coming up @loveinindia
“Wife Has Had Affair With Her Ex After Marriage, I Am Devastated. Help !” / “Wife Has Done …………….., I Am Devastated Help !”
———————————————————————————————–
Author’s reply
You have 2 options:
1) Let-go and look forward to making a good future.
2) Divorce her. ( And give up your hard earned money to the ****slut )
What is seriously bad and should be discouraged at all costs is torturing yourself and your spouse lifetime over something you can’t change.
If her ex/fling bothers then you should just ask as much as she is willing to tell you. As you are her spouse you “might” have the right to question her. At the same time you tackle “your” parents not to bother your wife ( who is lying to you ) also if someone else tries to tell you the truth, suppress your urge and walk off cause you have to save “your” relationship………………………
Comments:
CG: Husband is pig, men are pigs and I will tame them. Husband no question to wife, if he question, husband bad pig. What has happened in past is past, since husband force her to marry, he should keep her happy, husband has no right to have any criteria to choose girl. Husband is disgusting, he is from ancient era. Wife just had fun, nothing wrong in it, fact husband is wrong, he is immature husband is disgusting. Lying maybe bad but see implications of truth, husband won’t accept her but she married him. And don’t mind my English no one bother about it, right sulgana. And husband disgusting.
KW : Read surviving husband blog, change your eyes. lenses, gooddam it just change everything from you brain to cornea make it wife friendly and then see the situation, happy. Keep the points in mind
* Has she been honorable in all things. ( Ans. How can a person who lied to someone to get chained to that person be honorable to that person, and even after marriage when she has the divorcee-free guarantee she is not telling anything )
* Is she respectful of your family and you ( Ans. She should be as a human, the guy is being respectful towards her family, and how can she respect him while lying to him which is obviously hurting him. Foremost she herself has no “self-respect”.
* Is she honest with you in all things? ( Ans. Same as above, the lies )
* Is she comfortable with her body, relaxed and confident? ( Ans. Check all points )
* When she says this is not the truth to you, why don’t you believe her? ( Ans. She is not telling any truth )
* Finally, can you relax and have intercourse with her now or has this destroyed that as well? ( Ans. Ask any man how much he enjoys having sex with his wife, when a video of her and some other guy is playing in his mind )
AN: I think the girl is wrong..
CG: Pig, pig, pig.. bad pig, sick pig. You are sick and and your criteria of virginity makes you “misfit”..umm so according to my criteria all elders are misfit, the whole generations behind us were misfit, it is a misfit pig barn. Pig.pig….
Author: You are very brave, writing over internet, that is braveness at its peak.
Guy: Wife is wrong..
CG: PIG.
——————————————————————————————————-
After writing so good articles like the Relationship abuse one, and the grooms side, this ?
My advice: Divorce her, it may sound impractical but it is the best way, you of anyone won’t be happy with someone like her, who is just a pile of lies with a feminist board on it. But you need to be patient and calm, firstly you don’t want to give up your property so get a good lawyer who can help you in it, don’t let your wife know or she will file for divorce and you will end up with half of everything.
Anonymous
after reading Aguy post which i admired because neither it took sides nor it was impractical/imbalanced, yours is hilarious.
you have very sharp observation, you read almost every comment and this is the result.
Charu gautam is a plain feminist and what KW wrote was astonishing. what she wrote i didn’t understand at all. she wants you to forgive everything even yourself. a cruel comment for those who are suffering ..
what you said is right he should get the divorce. reason is simple she is not being honest..
Anonymous
your comment shows how you see girls.. based on her sexual past. she is nothing just a showpiece for you.
Sulagna an Kathy Welter has a balanced point of view. however i don’t some of Sulagna’s points show women in poor light. why should a girl feel guilty for her past and tell the past to her husband necessarily.
It is a war of words, so be it. Now lets compare each others view shall we, I think girls are show-pieces ( according to you ) and you think guys are pigs. Correct
Now show-pieces are kept in a good place, under roof, they are taken care of regularly, they are very well handled.
As for pigs, they are kept in barn, in dirt and their excreta, finally they are butchered.
So what is better show-piece or pigs, so who views opp. gender better me or you, answer left to you,
From “not a” pig to
a “bad” show-piece
Anonymous
what are you then? if you don’t see girls as showpiece then what are you? having sex/relationship doesn’t decrease a girl respect. but for you guys if a guy do it then he is macho and when a girl do it then she is slut. you guys are sick who thinks girls are just an object to entertain you..
Like western men , dont consider about virginity , also like them divorce wife once you find a better girl simple , don not be a pussy cat , be a man like western man .
now u knw that ur wife is a bitch .y don’t u cheat on her . and for god sake don’t love her . she is a dirty slut what can i say use the situation to ur best advantage now that u have got the certificate .no use for crying over spilt milk . she needs ur money and c__ck .so be it. dont love her
Amit kumar
how can someone stop himself/herself to loving herself/himself ?
guys like you never have girls and sex, and start writing whatever you like..
What should I do in my situation:
I have been married for 2 years, I too suspected her but I didn’t pay attention to it because she was acted like a shy person before marriage. But one day I was chatting with a friend after it I befriended another of her friend, as I saw his account I saw a pic of her and a boy linked arms, so I checked more and I found out, I countered her and she denied it, but she eventually told me some bits that he was no in contact with her etc. and she has done it only twice etc. I let go as I loved her very much and didn’t want to spoil my and her life. Months later I went to a her friends marriage where I saw she acted awkwardly with another guy and he too looked sad etc., I snapped, I hired pvt. detectives and found out, before confronting her I asked her politely about that guy, she just brushed the topic off. The information I got from the detective crashed me, she had sexual relationship with her first bf from 4th year of college for approx. 2 years, then she after 3 years she made another BF in Bombay and had relationship with him for 2 years, sexual for around 8 months. Then she got after 1 year she got engaged to another guy { Arrange marriage } ( I knew that she had a broken engagement ) and he too had sex with her once between the engagement and marriage period and called of the marriage form his side. Then after 2 years she got married to me. Even the detective looked at me with pity. She is a good person, kind, gentle but she is too good. She thinks every body is saint and easily trusts anyone. Whenever we fight she just cries without yelling at me etc. When I confronted her about this she just cried so badly, she literally got to her knees and pleaded me not to leave her, she loves me only me etc. I love her very much so I calmed her down and assured her I wouldn’t leave her, She told me everything that day, after listening it was crystal clear that those guys just toyed with her. She showed me her fb account she was not even friends with them. She had absolutely no contact with any of those guys. To sum it up, she has done everything she could do to keep her past away. After that she is very very subdued, so am I. But she now considers that she is good for nothing, she never asks me to do any work, earlier we used to share it all, I made breakfast, she did dinner or the other way etc.
Now I am conflicted, on one hand when I want to leave her for her past, but on the other hand I still love her and more importantly if I tell her that I want to divorce she will just break and do something bad and I don’t want to leave her.
Recently I went to my friend’s marriage for 2 days ( She couldn’t come as she had already exceeded her leaves ), I thought about it a lot, If keep her past and my thoughts related to this aside, I am very happy with her, she and I are very good partners for each other, but no matter how hard I try I cannot keep the thoughts of her past out.
AN
you said you love her and wouldn’t want to leave. in your words ” I am very happy with her, she and I are very good partners for each other”; then why are making her small for trivial things. don’t dwell on her past which is nowhere related to you. don’t be cruel and give her respect that she deserves..
AN
you only said that you love her and don’t wanna leave her. now when you know her past and decided to let it go, stop torturing her. be a good husband and take care of her..
What should I do in my situation:
I have been married for 2 years, I too suspected her but I didn’t pay attention to it because she was acted like a shy person before marriage. But one day I was chatting with a friend after it I befriended another of her friend, as I saw his account I saw a pic of her and a boy linked arms, so I checked more and I found out, I countered her and she denied it, but she eventually told me some bits that he was no in contact with her etc. and she has done it only twice etc. I let go as I loved her very much and didn’t want to spoil my and her life. Months later I went to a her friends marriage where I saw she acted awkwardly with another guy and he too looked sad etc., I snapped, I hired pvt. detectives and found out, before confronting her I asked her politely about that guy, she just brushed the topic off. The information I got from the detective crashed me, she had sexual relationship with her first bf from 4th year of college for approx. 2 years, then she after 3 years she made another BF in Bombay and had relationship with him for 2 years, sexual for around 8 months. Then she got after 1 year she got engaged to another guy { Arrange marriage } ( I knew that she had a broken engagement ) and he too had sex with her once between the engagement and marriage period and called of the marriage form his side. Then after 2 years she got married to me. Even the detective looked at me with pity. She is a good person, kind, gentle but she is too good. She thinks every body is saint and easily trusts anyone. Whenever we fight she just cries without yelling at me etc. When I confronted her about this she just cried so badly, she literally got to her knees and pleaded me not to leave her, she loves me only me etc. I love her very much so I calmed her down and assured her I wouldn’t leave her, She told me everything that day, after listening it was crystal clear that those guys just toyed with her. She showed me her fb account she was not even friends with them. She had absolutely no contact with any of those guys. To sum it up, she has done everything she could do to keep her past away. After that she is very very subdued, so am I. But she now considers that she is good for nothing, she never asks me to do any work, earlier we used to share it all, I made breakfast, she did dinner or the other way etc.
Now I am conflicted, on one hand when I want to leave her for her past, but on the other hand I still love her and more importantly if I tell her that I want to divorce she will just break and do something bad and I don’t want to leave her.
Recently I went to my friend’s marriage for 2 days ( She couldn’t come as she had already exceeded her leaves ), I thought about it a lot, If keep her past and my thoughts related to this aside, I am very happy with her, she and I are very good partners for each other, but no matter how hard I try I cannot keep the thoughts of her past out. I has no partner before her.
What should I do in my situation:
I have been married for 2 years, I too suspected her but I didn’t pay attention to it because she was acted like a shy person before marriage. But one day I was chatting with a friend after it I befriended another of her friend, as I saw his account I saw a pic of her and a boy linked arms, so I checked more and I found out, I countered her and she denied it, but she eventually told me some bits that he was no in contact with her etc. and she has done it only twice etc. I let go as I loved her very much and didn’t want to spoil my and her life. Months later I went to a her friends marriage where I saw she acted awkwardly with another guy and he too looked sad etc., I snapped, I hired pvt. detectives and found out, before confronting her I asked her politely about that guy, she just brushed the topic off. The information I got from the detective crashed me, she had sexual relationship with her first bf from 4th year of college for approx. 2 years, then she after 3 years she made another BF in Bombay and had relationship with him for 2 years, sexual for around 8 months. Then she got after 1 year she got engaged to another guy { Arrange marriage } ( I knew that she had a broken engagement ) and he too had sex with her once between the engagement and marriage period and called of the marriage form his side. Then after 2 years she got married to me. Even the detective looked at me with pity. She is a good person, kind, gentle but she is too good. She thinks every body is saint and easily trusts anyone. Whenever we fight she just cries without yelling at me etc. When I confronted her about this she just cried so badly, she literally got to her knees and pleaded me not to leave her, she loves me only me etc. I love her very much so I calmed her down and assured her I wouldn’t leave her, She told me everything that day, after listening it was crystal clear that those guys just toyed with her. She showed me her fb account she was not even friends with them. She had absolutely no contact with any of those guys. To sum it up, she has done everything she could do to keep her past away. After that she is very very subdued, so am I. But she now considers that she is good for nothing, she never asks me to do any work, earlier we used to share it all, I made breakfast, she did dinner or the other way etc.
Now I am conflicted, on one hand when I want to leave her for her past, but on the other hand I still love her and more importantly if I tell her that I want to divorce she will just break and do something bad and I don’t want to leave her.
Recently I went to my friend’s marriage for 2 days ( She couldn’t come as she had already exceeded her office leaves ), I thought about it a lot, If keep her past and my thoughts related to this aside, I am very happy with her, she and I are very good partners for each other, but no matter how hard I try I cannot keep the thoughts of her past out. I had no partner before her.
I am in this situation too, the author is right, let go just forget that you are married, it is your only option left. Cheating is good for small run but it will only add to your woes in long run.
If your wife is over her ex and you love her you may get a tolerable marriage. you cannot divorce, she has trapped you. But you will have to get over your insecurities over her ex.
And the love thing will soon be over.
My situation is quite similar to Anonymous, but even worse, he suspects that his wofe still loves her ex but I am sure.
My wife works with her ex, he even lives in our region so they are even in same company van, initially I was very much against her work but after a lot of fights I gave up, I just live like a robot now, she has crushed all my feelings. I am not allowed to feel jealous, possessive anything. Our sex life is very bleak, I am very sure she is cheating on me.
Your situation is very good compared to mine, you both are not in active contact with her ex, and your wife has gotten over her ex, your fights are not one sided, she tolerates your view over her past,my wife just gets very angry if I even mention it.
Let go and you will have a great marriage.
Sidd
just because she had a boyfriend and she works with him in same office, doesn’t mean she is cheating on you. you are a sick person who doesn’t care and respect his wife.
it’s good that you are trying to make things work but you need to trust her and have to be interactive..
You are so conveniently saying that I am wrong even after all the efforts I have put in our marriage, that fucking bloody it, I have had enough that tramp will see a piece of me, I don’t trust her, my sorry ***, I blindly trusted her enough to try to be comfortable with her working with her ex, without showing any discomfort or trying to manipulate her. I don’t care about her, I would never write that comment if she even gave me back half of care I give her, I cook full dinner, do laundry, make my breakfast, get household things and what not, even though my job is much more exhausting than hers with longer work hours. And yes ironically I am sick currently with fever and cold. Priyanshu and these guys are right , I will kick her out, march to her house dump her and give sound piece if advice to her father on how to raise daughter and how he has failed miserably in it.
t
Sid/Angry Sid
what is big deal if she works with her ex bf? either you will do household things or her. it is not the case that she does nothing. i mean you are holding this against her. if she will give up her job and do household chores you will be on seventh cloud. because it will boost your male ego. every one thinks that their job is more exhausting than others, think from her perspective. you are angry just because she is working with her ex. there is no other reason. she is not your maid that she would leave her job and nurse you. you should be able to take care of yourself. dont crib for unnecessary reasons..
if you don’t care for her than why did you write this?
deep down you know that it’s you who is being unreasonable.
If she is not a maid then I am no house help either, she does nothing no work, she is always tired and exhausted even on Sundays, she comes home before me, yet she does nothing, she just changes and lays down in front of TV. Why should I do everything ? I have ended up working 24×7 when I tell her to do something she says she is tired, if I don’t do something she snaps at me and we have a fight in which I surrender always. She conveniently passes comments on my cooking skills, if I tell her to do for herself she gets angry. My job hours are longer and I have individual targets etc. while she works in a team with her ex.
And I can care for myself otherwise I would be dead by now but she orders me to get things for her beauty treatments when she refuses to get my medicines for cold.
She splurges her own salary and always asks me for more. I am tired of making sacrifices, I tried to work things even after I knew she has had pre martial sex, I overlooked the fact that even though we are young she rarely wants to have sex with me like once a month or less, she has commented that I am weak etc. Sometimes I end up having tears in my eyes after her rude behaviour. I cry sometimes, alone.
But Priyanshu’s comments seem most helpful, regular divorce is not enough for her now she has to cry with the pain of seeing her family humiliated. And her ex, he to needs to experience pain.
Sidd/Angry Sid
do one thing, live and let live. you got only one life so enjoy it. have fun live it fully.. it’s very short so don’t waste time. either forgive her and discuss with her that how she wants to shape up their future. if she doesn’t mend her ways(like you said , she doesn’t love you for sure.. 100%) then divorce her. time is running fast so steal every moment. now it’s upto you how you want to live your life.
and yes have some self respect. keep your dignity intact. you are not doing that bro..
Charu Gautam
Charu just shut up.. why is it that you always find fault with boys? treat everyone equally either both of sexes are special or same.. you can not treat us like sh*t. may be you have had your bad experiences but that does not mean every guy out there is slave or an object. talk sensibly and give us/Sidd some respect..
I have been in this exact same situation more than once, partly because I had a religious upbringing and used to think of sex as something bad.
You have had plenty of good advice on this thread but it does not seem to have sunk home yet. Let’s take this in steps.
* The problem here is you and the way you think. Your gf has done nothing wrong, nothing disgusting, nothing for her to be ashamed of, nothing which reduces her status or value, nothing disrespectful to you, and nothing which should concern you. Read that again.
* Your gf has … behaved like a girl. She has had sex before she met you. Big deal, get over it. Know what? She likes sex. Which is good, you are a lucky guy: your gf is (currently) open and uninhibited about sex, that is healthy, maybe you will be really lucky and you will learn, through dating her, to be like that too.
* The way you are asking her these detailed questions about past sexual encounters, was what caused her to tell you that it was the worst sex she ever had etc. That is not actually true. She is saying it to protect your ego, and to try to stop you asking her more questions (which she hates btw). You need to stop asking her these questions, now. If you continue, and the more discussions about her ‘past’ you have with her, the more she will start to think you have a wrong way of thinking about sex, she will see that you think about it as something dirty, to be given up by girls and taken by hairy ape-like guys or sleazebags, and when she starts to think like that she is going to conceal her true sexual self from you in future. She will then become unsatisfied sexually, you will have sex less and less with her and you two will eventually break up.
* One more time. Girls like sex. When sex is good for them, they like it even more than you do. It turns them on, makes them feel good, makes them feel whole, real, loved, passionate, deeply emotional. And good sex for girls consists of fucking with a dominant, confident guy. Your girl has been looking for that guy in the past, trying out a few different options in her quest for her own sexual satisfaction. If you think she did something wrong by doing that, then really I would question what you are even doing on these forums.
* I would guess the root cause of your problem is you don’t see yourself as the dominant, confident guy offering her good sex. Therefore, every other male she has been with in the past is a threat to you, because in each case maybe he fucked her better than you know how. (If you find it upsetting to read this, it tells you that what I write here is true. A guy who does not think like this, doesn’t care about other guys because he knows within himself that he is the best she ever had, so the others don’t count.)
* If my guess is correct, the solution is clear. You need to get much better at fucking, become more dominant, more alpha. Once you are that, like I said, you will not think about these past things at all, they will become irrelevant to you, the exact same way it is irrelevant what she ate for dinner 5 years ago.
A final thought:
A few years ago I was talking with an old lady I respect and can talk openly with. I was talking about my gf at that time, saying she’s beautiful, the only thing that bothers me is all the boyfriends she’s had before me and I can’t stop thinking about them. The old lady said to me, “How silly you are, with a lovely figure like hers of course she’s had boyfriends before you.” (Translation: “lovely figure” in old-lady-language means “totally hot body”.) It was a funny thing, but hearing it like that from an old lady, who I expected to say “My goodness, she shouldn’t have had all those boyfriends” was a real wake-up call and made me think how dumb I was being.
Hello Animal Kingdom, it is not a jungle where we just make our pack of girls and become “Alpha”. For a girl “getting fucked” takes nothing more than a pulse and a pussy. But for “fucking” a guy requires social skills, money, looks, and luck. You go to any country if a girl screams on the street “Want’s sex, NOW” guys will come running and Mr. Alpha you as a guy try it, even if you were to stand in a Californian suburb or better in front of red light district in Vegas with the looks better than Bradd Pitt, you wouldn’t get a girl.
For the status it is reduced, the basic nature of us. we want things which are difficult to get, things which are unique. You can correlate it with anything, phone, car, college, money, food, etc. anything and everything. So if she had a lot of partners she has reduced her appeal, status, in Indian scenario has subtracted all her status.
A being a girl means running around with your pants down! Huh, have you lost it. And every sane human loves sex, if you marry a village girl she will be shy for like 6-7 months but after that you will be breaking beds with her too. And it is definitely not luck to get a fucked up whore. Skipping the next para, you have said girls like to “fucked’ by confidant dominant guy, Mr. Alpha evaluation of these traits doesn’t require “getting fucked”, your sister to would like to get “fucked” by confident and dominant, why don’t you advise her to fuck every guy in the neighbourhood to check who is the right one, then the city, and if she has time, my house eh! If you think this is right then I am considering what are YOU doing on internet, you should be on the loose proving that you are confident Alpha! “fucking” every girl.
The next para is true, guys hate to hear the their girls past was better, but if you score a virgin you are the MAN. And what makes you sure that you will be good than her past.
So according to this next para this guy suggests healthy doses of testosterone boosters, regular viewing of KS videos, practising on prostitutes, fitting an extender, get better at fucking, Seriously are you some unemployed/pathetically low earning good-for-nothing guy who spends all day masturbating at home ogling at his penis. And no matter how good you get at “fucking” you will still be bothered.
As for your “final thought” did you chat with some cougar on Ashley Madison or what, because I guarantee that no Indian old woman would ever say what you have written. You know it, it was not funny cause it has never happened. Wake up call for you now, it takes much more to get better at fucking to get out of these situations.
So Mr. Alpha when are you replacing Robert Jeremy or Mozingo as the new face of “Raw fucker” “The past vanisher.
Seriously write sensibly, or something DUh.. leave it…Idiot.
Charu darling back me up pleeeeeezzzzz
I wrote some spelling errors intentionally.
NYZRockz
have you lost it what A broken Prince wrote is absolutely true and yeah of course right. still you find enough time to counter him. i can not write so much, whatever i had to say i said it.
and it was you who said that there was grammatical mistakes in my comment, not me..
1. Your gf has done nothing wrong
“Broken Prince”, can you please define the term “wrong” ?
2. your gf is (currently) open and uninhibited about sex, that is healthy, maybe you will be really lucky and you will learn, through dating her, to be like that too.
Then every one should have sex before and after marriage. Tell you wife to have sex with other guys, and learn from them too – then you will be the luckiest person. Is that what you are saying, “Broken Prince” ?
3. And good sex for girls consists of fucking with a dominant, confident guy. … trying out a few different options in her quest for her own sexual satisfaction.
Guys, who are not dominant or confident, do not get married. Other wise your wife would be looking out to find other confident guys to enjoy sex with. No sarcasm intended.
4. I would guess the root cause of your problem is you don’t see yourself as the dominant, confident guy offering her good sex. Therefore, every other male she has been with in the past is a threat to you, because in each case maybe he fucked her better than you know how
That’s actually in-correct.
5. You need to get much better at fucking, become more dominant, more alpha.
Men, go out there, please the girls with lies and gifts and fun . Have a lot of sex with many of them – before and after marriage. Gain confidence. Learn about sex. And now your wife is ready to be loyal to you. No sarcasm intended, again.
Sadly i agree with you broken prince. girls have no morality. they just want to have fun. and which ever confident alpha male can woo them with smart lines, costly gifts, visits to costly pubs – they are ready to open their legs for them. because thats the only thing that matters to them – their own enjoyment. they would do anything to get this enjoyment before and after marriage, their fathers could not stop them, neither their husbands will. they will cheat to enjoy a better time with some other guy who can talk and behave in a more appealing way. concept of marriage and vows dont mean shit to them, its only about pleasure.
anonbb
may be you have a broken heart or never get to even talk to a girl, that’s why so much bitterness. have patience work on yourself, be confident and have some quality so girls want to be with you… no sarcasm intended..
So according to this culturally un-acclimatized person, the best husband in the world is some male porn star.
Man, in India money is the biggest thing in consideration for marriage.
Really I want to elaborate all your points but.. seeing what you have written you won’t understand. As for trying different boys, you should marry a sex-worker, she has “tried” a lot of “options”, then show her your “performing” skills.
And your final thought is most amusing, where did you find such a “old” lady, and being a pretty doesn’t mean she has to move around the place with her pants down, my fiancée is a graduate from NIFT Delhi, she has looks of a model that doesn’t mean she has had a hordes of guys doing it with her, she had a guy in college but he didn’t do it with her, she had brain.
And I am sure of that, pvt. detectives ;)
sam
there is nothing wrong if you enter in a relationship before marriage. being in a relationship, seeking companionship is very different from try out with different guys..
Well your first point is wrong, it does reduce her value. The fundamental human though, to get which is unique, everything revolves around this thought one way or the other, your parents want a beautiful child, because it would be different, as a child we want expensive toys because they are unique, then we want to get in good colleges, no one values someone who has passed from a college which is easy to get in, and you can correlate this idea with your whole life. So if a girl is virgin, it is a golden point, especially in Indian context it is the benchmark.
And this point is weird, having sex is not behaving like a girl, even a monkey has sex that doesn’t make a she monkey a girl ????? And every body opens with sex on day or the other, you marry a shy girl initially she may be shy to even kiss you but soon you will be…
The third point is true but totally irrelevant to the topic.
Heck every “normal” human likes sex, that definitely doesn’t imply you to have sex with anybody. I like to drive at high speeds that doesn’t mean I should. We are “civilized” for a reason. And trying out a few options, what you think life is all about sex, definitely not, for marriage financial stability, family background, etc. are important.
And wouldn’t it be much better if you are the only one, no competition so you will be best.
And in today’s life if you want a respectable stand in society you have to invest your time in many other things than trying to improve your sexual performance. Who has time to sit at home and ogle at your penis while looking at sites on net to improve it.
Your guess is wrong,
and btw your whole post is wrong, this guy is talking about his wife, not gf ;)
And your final though is either completely farce or the old lady is a cougar or a prostitute, cause it ain’t possible in normal case.
And beautiful girl, doesn’t mean a lot of bf, that means a over 50000 INR* prostitute.
*All prices at Kamathipura per night ;) ;)
Your situation is very good compared to mine and few others, at least she is not cheating, hasn’t developed pregnancy problems due to repeated abortions and contraceptive pills ( from her past “fun”:Charu ), her ex hasn’t informed your whole office of their past sensational relationship and your co-workers don’t make snide remarks on your back, you don’t know her ex, your wife is not in active contact with her ex, her ex and she didn’t made any “video”, she acknowledges your presence, you don’t go to bridges, railway tracks, beaches at night with a photo of your family ( without wife ) and your phone just wanting to end your life more than anything in the world but you cannot, not yet.
Forget about her past, she has forgotten, you have a chance to at least work your marriage as partners if not lovers. You would be thinking “Why didn’t I met someone from the rest 80% of Indian girls” but you can take from my example which is far far worse than yours, me I am same as you, punished without any fault.
Sorry pressed the submit early, I don’t have high tolerance to drinks. Ha haa
Anyway for the people who have easily said to let go, forget her, you are cruel and all that crap, firstly I am very sureee you wont advice this if you were in this situation . And secondly Do all this only if she is worth it, some people like the non-fertile slut I have in my bedroom are really not at all worth it, you let go and politely ask the basic things without details and try but you get lies, lies some new ‘truths’ every month and one day you get the news of “ultimate betrayal” of cheating
And I had the right to know about her past when I was marrying her, No matter it is not practical for her, it was practical to have “fun”. She knew that I wouldn’t maarry her if I knew about her past, and you Sulangna yourself are saying that if a guy announces it to her family that she is a slut how difficult it would be to get a guy subceqnly, and on one hand you are saying that wanting a virgin girl is prerogative. The keyboard on iOS7 suckss,
Anonymous
what her ex did is not because she instructed him, why are you angry on her? making a “video” was a mutual and harmless decision, why are you concerned about it?
how sick you are shows when you made the comment on your wife. being non fertile and having sex doesn’t make her guilty. it’s your fate to not to have babies. have some respect for your wife..
Anonymous
don’t judge your wife based on her sexual past which is irrelevant now. just because she is having complications in conceiving you can’t disrespect her. you shoud be ashamed to call your wife “non fertile sl*t”..
hi…friend…just divorce her..this is the best way to tell her mistake done by her.this not india..its converted in hawai..all girls enjoying sex life with boys in their school age..after that college and in their societies too..if u not divorced her..u will ruind ur life.
suresh nath
what is wrong with girls having sex in their school days? i mean if they want to have sex no one can stop them. and it’s not only girl who are having sex, to have sex they need boys. don’t forget that..
ENOUGH
STOP IT YOU LOSERS
Fret not, for I am a loser just like you, hidden until now as a silent listener. After months of research & thinking, I have only 1 advice for u – ITS ENOUGH ! Go back to your lives. Choose how you want to live, make that choice happen. Go back to your bloody f*cked up lives. You have ONLY ONE LIFE. Go and live that. Forget about everything else.
A comment is not enough to share my thoughts on this topic, and what the husband could do. If you are interested in details I have shared the link. Also I would like to have your view points on my research. So, please go and attack that link.
But whatever you do, just get up and tell yourself that you are going to enjoy your life from today & F*CKING ENJOY IT.
Let go please, she definitely won’t ever cheat on you. And you should try to clear up things with your parents quickly.
I am the “wife” in this situation, I hate my life now.
Ever since he has known about my past there hasn’t been a single day when he has not taunted me, I had even undergone hymenoplasty but he got the truth and has refused to divulge the source now i think he too hired pvt. detectives. Nothing I do affects him, nothing I say, if I do anything romantic he just spoils it by saying “Uske sath be yahi kara tha kya, aacha purani baatein yaad karni hain”, he snaps at anything.
For ex. Today morning I got him a new electric razor as his was very old, when he saw the new one he shouted, my mother-in-law and I came, he said “Kon laya yeh aur mera purana wala kahan hai”, my mother-in-law said “Chilla kyun raha hai, woh waise bhi purana hi to tha” he replied “Zaruri nahi hai ki har kharab chiz to change karkar nayi le aaein, kyun {My name}”
If the author could give any suggestions on what to do in such situation, I have no contact with my ex, he doesn’t cheat on me, our sex-life is negligible, he says if I do anything with him in bed, in his mind he pictures me with my ex. He has pre assumed my ex was better than him in bed. He has become very very rude towards me, he is angry with me all time. If I write him a love letter he says no need for this nonsense, you don’t love me. If I do anything wrong he just hangs to it for weeks, if I do the same, he says “Han main to bekar hun, aacha to tumhara boyfriend hai, kab milne ja rahi ho usse”. I hate my life, when I wake up in morning my only prayer is that this day passes without a fight. He has made my past the centre on our lives.
I want my old marriage back when he didn’t knew, when he loved me.
N-Anonymous
you should get out of this marriage. he is emotionally torturing you and there is may be no way that he can change. send him the divorce notice and before that think well about how are you gonna fight it. there are so many laws to support you..
Divorce is NOT an option, it won’t help me in any way. There may be laws but they don’t apply in my context. DV act no, dowry act no. The laws apply in context when wives are beaten by husband, tortured by MIL, treated as domestic helps, her parents live in an impression that she may be shipped back any time and gruesome conditions like these, none of these apply to me. I have a job so I won’t get huge piles of money, it will be just some alimony for some years. And I won’t have to fight it, he is a very educated person, he will just go for a mutual divorce if I ask him.
Even if I get a divorce and money, then what, my family and I will be social outcasts, and remarriage is not a good situation in India, second marriages are very rare. I haven’t seen a “second time happily married” couple yet. This may sting but real situation is in India, marriage is only once. Best option try to repair everything, I have read in a comment from a guy that husband eventually gives up, is it really true, how long does it take ? Any pointers to speed up the giving up process ?
N-Anonymous
how can you say so certainly that she wouldn’t cheat on him in future? his wife refuses to talk about it completely, it also means that she is not over her ex and doesn’t want to reveal his identity because she wants to be with him, may be.. she is not telling him anything.. even after 3 years of marriage if she refuses to being truthful towards her partner it means she doesn’t trust him doesn’t love him.
and why don’t you talk to him, ask him what does he want? does he want to see a future with you or not? if he says yes and reluctant to divorce you then you have to be patient and help him.. and if refuses then ask for divorce and let live that poor soul..
I am quite sure she won’t cheat on him, we are reluctant to tell the truth because it won’t help anyone it will just make the relationship worse, and divorce is not an option, it is very difficult to have divorce in India, life after divorce is hell in India.
N-Anonymous
what makes you think that speaking lies is helpful?? you are advocating for those who lies to hide their faults. and interesting thing is you also claim to trying to save the relationship.
if you are so concerned about relationship then why didn’t you tell him before marriage about yourself? why did you go for hymenoplasty instead of speaking the truth. you are mentioning it like you did some favour by going for hymenoplasty. either you knew that you did wrong and refuse to accept the responsibility or you just didn’t care about others. you loved to lie to get in marriage.. and here you are speaking very conveniently that she wouldn’t cheat on his husband. what makes you think that? after 3 years of marriage she has no trust and love in her husband. she refuse to acknowledge the truth, despite the husband’s partial knowledge, and still she is trying to save the marriage. after the lie and betrayal why the husband should love and trust his wife??
just because she is a woman doesn’t make her a saint and just because his husband is a man doesn’t make him a villain. no one can not simply term her husband demand to know the truth is unreasonable ..
you betrayed your husband(not because you had pre martial sex, it’s because you hide the truth. you lied ).. and now shouting and cursing your husband for being angry and rude..
You will have to let go, what will you do otherwise, you may feel good after insulting your wife but in the long run after 2-3 years you will get tired of it and will want to patch up things, she is your wife after-all but at that time your wife won’t be the same as before and your marriage will be in a much worse stage. I too if it offers some comfort in same situation now married for 2 years, but really as many have said before you cannot have a happy marriage is will be now content marriage. From your writing it is clear that your wife is not at least pressurizing you, mine did now I just do what she says, it is for the best. And don’t worry if one way comes sadness surely there will be a way of happiness.
But I strongly disapprove of author’s statement that wife doesn’t deserve to be made fell guilty lifelong, marriage is a lifelong arrangement any lies in it continue lifelong, the guy gets mentally frustrated lifelong.
And also that girl cannot disclose her past for societal reasons, you walk on the street and question any 100 guys about virginity almost 99 out of 100 think their would be wife is virgin, so it is not prerogative, by having pre martial sex she has done something which is not widely practised or accepted, so it is her responsibility to tell prospective groom in engagement and marriage period, almost every guy will have decency to keep it a secret if he backs out. If she didn’t care about society while doing it then why now, it is plain cruel selfishness. If I have a missing finger in my foot, I have to tell about my future spouse because she has assumed that I have it, failure to tell about it will be my mistake.
Also, I respect your views and opinions Charu but just because you are cool with pre martial sex doesn’t mean everyone has to be, so you should not make others views inferior by branding them as aristocratic, you have right to promote your views but not at the cost of others. It is just like Bill Gates comes and insults you by saying you are a beggar, cheap etc. it is wrong, just because he has money doesn’t mean that he brands everyone else similarly if a guy is upset about his wife’s past you are completely wrong in condoning him. Everyone is different. you may be right that society is not modern etc. but that’s how it is.
And I cannot understand how if husband expresses his anger becomes “cruel”?
Vansh
having sex before marriage is nothing that you should emphasize on. being informed about status, income or education is different than virginity. it’s sick to ask or want to know about virginity of the girl.
it’s not about society is modern or not, it’s about taking right decisions. it’s about being sane..
and for christ’s sake what kind of examples you gave.. think something relevant. actually you can’t justify these kind of desires..
So what can we expect from a girl :
1) She won’t tell anything about her past but she wants to know everything about yours, your school your 10 class marks, your 12 class marks, you college, you starting job, your family background, your behaviour, your parents behaviour etc.
2) She won’t tell after marriage about her friends which can include her ex-boyfriends.
3) If her husband is angry or sad she can just tell him that he is misogynist, back ward looking, aristocratic, pig etc.
4) She deserves respect and trust, she doesn’t earn it.
5) She wields all rights without any responsibility or duty.
6) Guy is always wrong and cruel.
7) If guy is sad and does everything for her he is cruel.
8) Every desire of guy is unjustified, and if he takes wrong decision he is not “sane”.
And a long list, and now I know why we don’t have or can ever have gender equality.
As the author says you will have to let go, most of the comments are from guys who have recently discovered the truth that is the reason they are so angry and advising these things, when I had found out 3 years before I was too same. But you know you will have to let go, you simply cannot be angry towards your wife for eternity. Whatever she does, one day you will resign. Not everyone as lucky as Raghav that their wives become so good. I too after a year had lost my momentum in it and by the second year I had lost all interest in it. Now we don’t love each other but we can tolerate each other and I don’t get the urge to blast her every time I see her. As for sex, it is definitely no “love making” just a mean to get our release. My advice to you to let go now won’t be of any use, you won’t but after a time period you will automatically let go. As for her ex he is best left in the shadows, you want to find him because you love her but your love will go soon then you won’t feel irresistible urge to find him.I don’t know who was/were my wife’s ex but I won’t feel bad even if she had contact with him because I don’t care any more.
And the author is wrong in saying that expecting a virgin spouse is prerogative or she shouldn’t tell because of cultural, societal reasons etc, these were there when she was having sex with her bf, society doesn’t permit it. So in such situations the blame is entirely on the girl, and any treatment of wife by husband is justified, even life long because she didn’t disclose crucial facts in a lifetime arrangement.
A Victim like you
torturing your wife for what, having sex with someone before marriage. i am really shocked to see increasing no of educated and so called modern people who are commenting and posting bizarre story of their lives.
yeah bizarre.. you are so dumb. either divorce her for what she did when she even did not know you or let go. and letting go doesn’t mean be in loveless life which is suffocating. you have brain use it. if you would have to automatically let it go as you are advising then it’s also obvious that you can live like this. neither you nor she..
Like many have already said, divorce is not an option for societal reasons etc. also I mentioned it once and she was on rampage, she was fuming, hitting me, checking our bank statements, then she was crying begging me not to divorce her, she told me to think about my parents, my family, her parents, her family etc. 30 min. later I was on a highway crying in my car. And I really couldn’t care less about money, I have earned it, I can earn it again, she cannot take my degree. So we revert back here automatically.
And how am I torturing her, she is free to do whatever she wants, meet whomsoever, do anything with anyone, I never tell her any work, she has to do nothing for me, I don’t scrutinize how she spends money, I have yelled at my mother to not to bother her with rituals and fasts , I have sex with her when she wants it and what not.
Know what Charu, you are bizarre, you are projecting things that school students in a puny town like Nasik are having sex, even US has age of 17 so it ain’t normal, you are preaching that guys are pigs who can be used for entertainment and sperms, you can train them : this is abuse, internet hate vented out by frustrated individuals like you, everyone is different, everyone has their choices saying them backward, misogynist, old fashioned will just fuel them up, even after all this trauma I am holding up, I am keeping my job, keeping up our marriage and easily you are making me as the source of all the problems while my wife is a saint, if I want I can follow Priyanshu’s footsteps and add some more creative suggestions but I still like her as a human. And maybe I don’t deserve any credit for it but suffice to say I don’t deserve to blamed as a “pig”.
A Victim Like You
I have already said what I thought..
dude, you are saying she is begging you for not to divorce her and at the same time you are saying she is fuming and hitting you and checking your bank statements.. what does it mean??
sorry if I offended you..
A victim Like You
there are so many guys who wrote the same thing just like you. i don’t understand what is it that stop people like you for being decisive. either forget her past or ask a divorce.. if you want to be in the relationship, whether its a wrong or right reason, forget her and start life afresh. but if you just don’t feel anything for your wife and unable to cope with her past or her mistakes then divorce her. if parting with property is your concern then there can be options(contact lawyers). and still you don’t wanna divorce then get separation..
All these comments have made me feel good, before reading them I thought that I am from very few people. Let it go, sounds good enough to say, but it isn’t helpful. You let go but you will flash back after some time, I found out after 2 kids, I hate her, once I was even tempted to get a DNA test for kids. Since I ave known I am terribly depressed, our sex life is zero, I never ever want to touch her again.
For the guy in this situation, you have no kids, divorce.
12
you have 2 kids with your wife and still you don’t trust her. after being with you for so many years she deserves your love and trust. she decided to be with you for life, isn’t it enough to know that whom she loves.
so why hate her? and even thinking about DNA tests of your kids is disgusting. you should respect her and hope that she forgive you one day..
You may want to know the situation in “love filled countries’, in US 8% of men are raising someone else’s children thinking the children are theirs, who are product of cheating.
The divorce rate is now 62% there.
12
what made you stop to go for DNA test? what if those kids are not yours? either she is a very truthful wife who informed you that they are yours or you trust her deeply..
Charu
what if his kids are not his? but you will still say raise them because they are your responsibility, aren’t you??
The guy is already a fool in her friends view.
Legally there isn’t much you can do now, if a year has passed since you have known about her past, you cannot charge her for fraud.
You can only go for simple divorce which will most probably won’t be given, and if you will have to give 50% of total finances, and a monthly sum proportionate to your salary. And it will be minimum 7-8 years before you will be given divorce, in that period you cannot have any relationship. And the kind of girl you have she won’t agree for divorce on mutual consent. As for cheating it is a punishable offence.
Best for you is pray for happiness in other spheres of life.
LGuy
dying every day after knowing that your wife cheated,lied upon you should be worst thing to do if he doesn’t let go and decides to be in a marriage that is suffocating. parting with 50 % property and and 7/8 years of court darshan is better than lifelong punishment. he can excel in other spheres without cheating wife.. and i think if he give the irreconcilable differences as the reason for divorce then he can get it in may be 3 years..
and if he doesn’t want to pay or part with his property then separation would be a good idea..
After reading such comments I feel as a very lucky person. I am wife on this situation but my husband is way much better than these sick aristocrats. When my ex finally showed his incompetence and blurted out the “truth”, I expected anger, hurt but my husband shrugged it off. After we left I began my tirade, he said he already knew it but he didn’t tell me as he didn’t want me to feel guilty, he said after he saw answers of women on Yahoo saying that they were neck deep in guilt, he didn’t want me to feel that way so he pushed it in and let go. While I was crying in our car mumbling ” am sorry” , “don’t leave me, “have no feelings for ex” etc. , he said “please forget it all, don’t feel guilty and please don’t act like my slave, I still prefer the controlling, bossy and screaming version to a closed, on-the-verge-of-tears, guilt ridden version of my wife. Think I don’t know anything, please donot let anything change between us”
He rose highest anyone could be in my heart. For the guy who said “first time is burned into your memory”, maybe I have a poor memory but I don’t remember it, my husband was the one with whom I had my true first time that night, he is the one and will be.
For the guy who asked this question, don’t let your curiosity get better of you, she will tell you everything, once she loves you even if she doesn’t it is for the best, nor you nor she can change past. You may cheat for “cooling off” but remember you will give her a bad memory like she gave it to you. You will never rise above her ex in her heart, there is much more than sex in a relationship.
If she has ended her relationship with her ex completely, then let go and she will place you above herself.
It is said “If someone is truly yours, let them free, if they come back to you they will be yours forever, if they don’t they were never yours to begin with” you are free currently get back to your wife.
ex showed his incompetence and blurted out the “truth” – you showed your incompetence and said lies. do not point fingers at your ex if you yourselves committed to do right thing.
and this is marriage. you dont leave your husband or wife free to have emotional or physical attachments with someone else and wait for them to come back. if the wife is not committed enough to make the marriage work then the only freedom husband can give is divorce.
correction
if you yourselves are not committed to do the right thing.
Lucky Wife
it’s heartening that there are people like your husband who understand the real meaning of being in marriage, on the other hand these guys only think it as a sexual slavery.
Bad Indian Husband
she didn’t committed any wrong. she was right on not telling his husband about her sexual past. it was her decision and her husband respected her decision.
Lucky Wife
sick aristocrats ?? why because they are facing betrayal and.. your husband may be a very good person but that doesn’t make others sick. and what about you ?? for you others are sick then how would you like to see yourself.. ?? are not you a liar and opportunist..??
your ex showed incompetence by saying truth and you showed your incompetence by lying and keeping secrets.. are you feeling good “Lucky Wife” ?? and interesting thing is others are “sick aristocrats” for you.. why ? because they did not lie instead of that they had been kept in dark.. bravo!!
at least your ex did not speak lies so why not appreciate him?? but no you love to conveniently forget things that doesn’t suits you.. and next thing what will you do?? you would come to this site and would declare guys as “sick”..
isn’t it funny?? for you not.. :D
if a girl lied then it’s for best and if get caught and still keeping mum then still it’s for best.. girls like you and the guy’s wife are at good at lying and preaching others that it’s good if we lied.. “and please i am not talking about “our husbands”, because if they lie then they are sick, misogynist and sexist (and there are other compliments too, there is no dearth)”..
it has been three years and you are still saying that “she will tell you everything, once she loves you even if she doesn’t it is for the best, “.. if she doesn’t trust and love him even after 3 years then what good is this marriage??
may be she is waiting for his deathbed.. i guess. i think you are referring at that too..
you are right. relationships are more than sex.. for me it’s love, care trust and being truthful..
“If someone is truly yours, let them free, if they come back to you they will be yours forever, if they don’t they were never yours to begin with” .. for this line of yours i would say( like Bad Indian Husband said) they are in marriage.. may be for you marriage, being truthful and love doesn’t hold value but a lot of us care about these things..
A lot of people are talking about divorce as option. But Indian Law does not want you to get divorce. So, if divorce really an option ? Dont fool yourself, read ahead.
(a) Only misrepresentation about identity parties, nature of ceremony. religion , design and scheme of marriage amounts to fraud :
(b) Misrepresentation of caste. creed, age, education, illness, chastity, health, employment , wealth , nature and complexion are not sufficient basis to establish fraud in matrimonial law :
(c) It is the duty of the plaintiff only to enquire specifically about the past conduct, history, chastity of the other spouse from his or her own source, In absence of such specific enquiry, jf other party keeps silence about these matters, it does not amount to fraud on his or her part ;
Explanations of above with examples.
Justice S.K. Kapur, applying the socialistic approach in **** v.
Smt. **** case held that concealment of past unchastity of the
girl does not come within the ambit of fraud provided under Section
12(1)(C) of the Hindu Marriage Act, 1955.
if an enquiry has been made of them and Ihey have given a wrong or evasive reply, thing s may have been different
Indian law does not agree that hiding about certain facts like chastity, social status, financial status, education is fraud.
Though lying about it “can be” considered as fraud, but only if husband/wife can prove that he was lied to. How difficult is this proving ?
In Trilochan Randhawa v.Smt. Devinder case. the husband failed to support the allegation that the girt married to him was not the same, who was shown to him when oliating marriage with him . Hence . he could not get any relief in the Court In the same way.
This guy claimed to be married to a “wrong” girl all together, but still could not prove it as fraud !
This is your Indian Law. Now go and consider divorce.
Oh Thank God there exists some sanity somewhere in the legal framework.
A guy didn’t realize he was marrying the “wrong” girl ALL THROUGHOUT the wedding process. The only way this can happen is that the guy saw the original girl (the one who was “shown” to him) for such a brief period of time that he didn’t even remember how she looked, and hence didn’t realize the “wrong girl” thing ever during the wedding process. Who is the psycho here? This is just another instance of the ridiculousness of the whole arranged marriage concept where you don’t bother who you spend your life with as long as you do it with SOMEBODY.
And why do you even need to prove fraud? You can just cite irreconcilable differences or something. Dunno details of the legal process though hence can’t comment on that.
Sulagna, I understand your discomfort with the “whole arranged marriage” , but lets not call someone a pshycho with out knowing their story :P :)0
In Bengali marriages, I believe, bride show their faces. But in traditional UP side marriages, brides do not. So, that’s why, may be, the room did not notice :)
Its a culture difference thing, nothing to do with Groom as such.
“”And why do you even need to prove fraud? You can just cite irreconcilable differences or something. “”
irreconcilable differences has to be from both parties. If one party says that he/she is ready to work on differences, court wont grant the divorce. That’s why, it seems, the husband in this case, can not really go for divorce – in any “morally correct” possible way.
And that’s why, it looks really bad, but it looks like, divorce is not an option in this case :O wtf !
Well, I’m not against arranged marriages per se. Arranged marriages in their modern form are almost like arranged dates. Guy and girl meet, get to talk to each other, often get to hang out with each other for months (if not years) before they get married. Only the first meeting is arranged by parents. What on earth can be wrong with that? :)
However it’s the unnaturalness of the whole “arranged” thing can reach impractical levels (like in the case you’ve described).
I sincerely apologize for my apparent cultural insensitivity. However, think about it – if there was any familiarity whatsoever between the guy and the girl, would it really have been possible for the “fraud” marriage to have happened without the guy or anyone in his family realizing the mistake, even with her face partially covered? Arranged or not, at the end of the day you’ll spend your whole life with that person for God’s sake! How can you be so clueless that you mistakenly marry the wrong girl? Doesn’t it even sound ridiculous? But such a ridiculous thing is possible in our culture because of our acceptance of the arranged marriage tradition. Here’s an interesting article on this: Not for Arranged Marriage
1. Love marriage also brings a lot of ridiculous things. Remember “love is blind” ? So, Blind Marriages aren’t always that good either :P
2. “”How can you be so clueless that you mistakenly marry the wrong girl? “” I dont know ! But If I have to make a hypothesis, it may be one of those cultures, where a husband sees the wife’s face first time on the first night :) So, you might be right. Its due to acceptance of the arranged marriage tradition.
3. did not like the article you posted link to . It was more of a complain , than giving decent advice.
lol hatred to discomfort . Ok , got your point :)
We don’t have hatred for anyone in this community. We only debate and maybe disagree sometimes. :P
Sulagna
don’t you think that love marriages are also arranged/pre-planned marriages. boys and girls are out there to shortening their list. i have seen girls who doesn’t even think about their team member as possible date(sex is different thing), just because they are entitled to have more luxurious life. even team leaders are secondary option if they have to choose.. project managers and other seniors happen to be in their list.
i am not saying it’s bad or they should not do this. it’s just that where is love.. ?? after going with other handsome or choosen guy either for sex or time pass whatever, they choose their “love” in the guy who gets fat paycheck.. i always think where is love.. so it we can’t say it’s love marriage. same goes with guys, they go for beauty..
so arranged marriage are not that bad as you perceive it.
and i think that given example of court case is very old.. so don’t make your judgement based on that..
and if one have to cheat then they can cheat in any case. you can’t stop it.. and being specific if we talk about traditions, then you have to follow them even in love marriages. court marriages and church weddings can not be a solution.. :P :)
On social terms, arranged marriages are miles ahead than love marriages. Divorce rates are low ( India 1% ) while love marriages ( West worlds average 60% ) also children here are raised way better, they don’t have any pressure of separated parents, a big bunch of kids there are psychos because their parents separated.
Economically too arranged marriages are more fruitful assets don’t disperse due to divorces, Americans can afford to have a lot of children 3-4 but today in India, for most middle class families even raising one child is bone breaking, so if parents divorce it ensures financial instability for the whole family.
Also divorces come hand-in-hand with love marriages, it has been confirmed in studies by foreign organizations, that arranged marriages under normal circumstances develop into more long lasting love than love marriages. Love eventually fades or recedes after particular time, so the only thing keeping a love marriage together is down, the marriage goes downhill while in arranged marriages are based not only on love but on basic morals of the persons, multiple things keep them together.
Love marriages are decision made from heart while arranged marriages are from brain and in long run brain is better.
Misinterpretation of chastity can be amounted to fraud for obtaining consent of marriage if the person has a valid proof, which is rarely. I have handled a case when we struggled for the proof we did got it, I won’t divulge the details but a valid proof can help you a lot but it may not be enough for divorce, you will have to cite mental torture too. Even after that there is debate on alimony and properties, in another case when I advised him to transfer the property in his sisters name, the girl appealed that it was his so she should get a share, she didn’t get. So the case stretches a lot almost 6 years, divorce by mutual consent is quite rare. It is said the one should pry information form his/her sources but if a guy bluntly asks about a girls virginity and if she lies to him ( he needs sufficient evidence to prove her past sexual encounters and a proof that girl told him that she was virgin ) guy can file as fraud.
As for Authors query, irreconcilable differences clause is not yet in the Hindu Marriage Act, it is in the parliament but is yet to be passed. Indian courts favour keeping marriage rather than divorce in such cases, if the guy has not abused her and girl is willing to work on marriage, the court won”t annul marriage even if you satisfactorily prove fraud.
Divorce in India is not a feasible option financially, culturally and socially as long you are not abused physically in marriage or cases like dowry. Girls have a lot of power in these cases, I had a case with the same situation, the guy was an IITian he approached me on the process on filing for divorce telling me that his wife was not chaste, he told me to ready his case, I gave him the usual time period in that time his wife got to know about it, so she filed for Harassment by husband under “Protection of women from domestic Violence Act” it is a non bailable offence, the girl once files complaint cannot take it back the matter goes to court, summing up a long story, the guy is now in Singapore, he cannot come to India, girl is married to him, doesn’t get anything, he has named all to his uncle who sold it, gave him cash.
In such cases both should resolve the matter in house as long as it is in limit, if gut crosses his limits and abuses her she should leave and file, in many cases girls hesitate to register case. I had one case in which girl had slap mark on her face but she was hesitating to file case. If one file it is one way street, no turning back which ends at divorce.
Best advice is divorce her if you can, but if not then you will have to let go of your expectations from your marriage, the hard fact is you cannot be happy with her, no matter what you do, nothing will help for a long run.
If you could have let go you would have a long time ago, but you cannot and there is nothing bad about it, that’s how you are. Tell it clearly to your wife that a happy marriage is out of the situation now so there is no need for her to try to make it. While having this discussion, do not imply that you are blaming her and keep a cool face. And subsequently stop your efforts to know her past, nothing good will come out of it. Best is to try to establish a neutral ground so you both can live your lives in a peaceful way, everyday fights, trying to “talk” about feelings won’t help.
And author has said that one should not torture himself and their spouse lifetime over something you can’t change. But such situations round up to this automatically. And as for “unfairness of husband” to his wife “lifetime is not wrong”. When a girl lies for obvious reasons in a lifetime arrangement, she makes herself open to all forms of lifetime tortures in that arrangement.
You are completely stupid, you should have taken a concrete decision as soon as you had found out, either stay or divorce. Also if you found out within one year of marriage you wouldn’t need to get a divorce marriage was voidable as she lied to get your consent for marriage, she committed fraud, in that case very low alimony and no money if she can get a job or has one. If you go for divorce now it will be a long, ugly battle, you can still use the fraud claim but she also has a point that you “used” her for 3 years etc.
In such marriages it is quite difficult to keep them up but still I advise you that she seems a good person who is putting up with everything, imagine if the roles were reversed. There are much much worse cases believe me, husbands come crying even after 6-7 years of marriage and children. In India divorce won’t help in any situation. Give her and yourself a chance, it will be worth it.
Nice respond in return of this issue with genuine arguments and telling everything regarding that.
I WAS in the same situation 2 years back, nearly same I found out 2 years after marriage, I was same totally unwilling to forget, but I found a thread on it, please check it.
First you should remember the time when you didn’t know about her past, you both were happy. And this would have been the same if you never knew. Think of all the good time you had. You said you love her, love means forgiveness. Ask yourself if you could go back and have option to change your marriage would you ? If yes, then best for you is divorce, nothing else. Please consider all the good things about her too. If no, then let go about her past, and asking about it won’t help you in any way, people lie because they are afraid of the person they are lying to, love her don’t make her feel hat you judge her and she will herself tell you everything. As for the images, they are because you are punishing yourself and he by focussing on her past, you feel threatened by her past, don’t. This is India not US where girls compare their guys and have extra-martial flings. I am assuming that she doesn’t have active contact with him, that is a big plus for you. My wife’s ex bought a huge house last month and I sadly was again comparing myself to him.
While I admit that she shouldn’t have hid the truth, irrespective of thinking about social factors, she knew all about society when she was having sex with her bf, you were last in loop. She has breached your trust but there are many reasons to look forward.
But only do this if your wife is worth it, and please read the link, it will help for sure more than any comment on this page.
“This is India not US where girls compare their guys and have extra-martial flings.”
Having dated a Canadian-American woman in the past, as well as a few Indian women – this is actually the other way round.
A lot of middle and upper class Indian women tend to compare one men with another, even if the comparison is you against her dad. Their idea of ‘love’ is to tear you down, so that you believe she is too good for you (apparently to increase her control over you). I used to date a Punjabi woman who used to critique me constantly – everything from my so called ‘junglee’ diet to the choice of music I listened to.
In contrast, the American woman I dated never once compared me with any of her exes. Hell, she used to ‘build me up’ to make me feel better about myself, during my lowest periods of depression (I had bipolar then) and used to fondly refer to me as ‘my own Che Guevara’. The average educated American woman isn’t a pornstar or some actor in a Girls Gone Wild video. She is as likely to be a normal, as sane a human being as anywhere else on earth.
Coming to extra marital flings, Indian women are prone to extra-marital affairs too – they are just more secretive and deceptive about it, given the socio-legal implications. Hell, I knew a lot of flight stewardesses who’d sleep with pilots while their husbands had no clue. I suppose those husband were of the same stuff as men who believe “Indian women don’t sleep around”.
While men are entitled to their choices of what they want from a wife, as long as they are honest about it and find a woman willing to conform to it – I think the preference for virginity is a silly one. You pretty much dig yourself a hole. In fact, I can’t understand the average Indian bloke’s eagerness to marry without ‘playing the field’ a bit. Staying celibate doesn’t make you less of an animal – being a sexual being is as much human as the act of eating or breathing.
You are completely right about Indian girls. You forgot comparison to her brothers. I have seen all of my cousins sorting out list of guys based on salary, college degree, complexion , height and then tally it with her ex boyfriend’s specs. It was like comparing gadgets based on their specs. Even my wife of 3 years still drops hints periodically about my personal flaws in comparison to her brothers, ex boyfriends and her mighty-king-of-all father and sometimes her office colleagues. In past 3 years she has pointed about a truckload of faults in me, some which are hypothetical and worse of all is when I do the same to her she starts sobbing and somehow emotionally blackmails me that at the end of our conversation I feel pathetic for comparing her to anyone else and she convinces me that me comparing her to anyone else is also my flaw.
“I think the preference for virginity is a silly one.” comparison was the only reason I wanted virgin gal. The preference no longer looks silly when you get compared in “that” aspect. And it is another of my flaw. After marriage when I got to know about her ex, I felt bad but I was cool with it but she slowly started comparing me, initially she used to rub it in my face. I still remember when I used to nosebleed a lot and doc told me I had a deviated septum first thing that came to my mind is nose of her father, brother, ex-boyfriend and even the doctor’s nose. I felt minor relief when doc told me it was very common. Wait till you get married then you would wish for a comparison free virgin wife ;)
You both forgot about comparison to her elder sisters husband who is the poster child of a picture perfect marriage in my case. Also comparison to my friends he does that, he earns that much, he is so well mannered, he is so obedient, he is respectful etc. Why doesn’t some pharma company invent some pill which leads to quick death and it comes of as natural death not as suicide, I mean it would be huge hit in India.
My relatives all the time say that I amm wasting my time here at net, however I know I aam getting
knowledge all the time by reading thes fastidious content.
dude really its quite impossible to get a virgin gal before marriage as according to the statistics, about 93% of indian gals from rural and sub-urban areas had sex before marriage and more than 96% gals of urban areas had sex before marriage. Its nt shocking at all at this modern era because its the story of almost each and every country but sex before marriage doesn’t defines the character of gal. Gals are very sensitive and soft hearted and blindly trust on a person whom they love in their teenage of college life. UR wife’s friend said that she’s nt like that she pretends, just kick that friend and live on your present dude or have a divorce and then never marry again with any lady or gal because you need to come out from this and have to broaden your mind. Just come out from all these and live on your present. what you will do if you married with any other gal and she was also nt virgin???
As a guy, i agree with you and the mentality of most of the guys that they wish a virgin gal for their marriage but we can’t have control over this. Either you have to live unmarried whole life or have to marry with a gal without seeking any past related to her on your mind. Women are givers and respect them. The doubts regarding pasts only kill your mind, time, life and everything. Around 30-40% married women still cheat on their husband behind their back so just be thankful to god that your wife is presently loyal to you and she want to live with you happily. Just go to your wife and give her a tight hug, live on your present and make your future awesome with her. Forget each and evrything about her past and have a honeymoon with her again ;) :D
Where the heck do people like you turn up is a cosmic mystery, please do tell where is the “statistics” btw please check the lick and enlighten you brain, if you have one.
whats ur age kid ???? and ur qualifications ??? surely you’re from any poor village of india so u’re denying my point. infact most of the youngster knows at what age teenagers gals lost their virginity and i read this statistics on internet on wiki answers.. not dnt say that all these websites are fake and wrong like a kid says only what he wants.. .. well that’s nt the issue bt your comment describes your mentality regarding gals you mistakenly lost their virginity before marriage
Hi Sudarshan,
Thank You so much for sharing your views! I was quite disheartened reading all these posts and comments about how Indian men are still not ready to accept a non-virgin bride; your comment just gives a hope for some sense in this senseless world.
Well said sir
Dude, as an Indian woman and a pretty point-blank at that I have just three things to say; Grow up, grow up and grow up. Why should your wife not have sex before marriage? If she thinks its right it just is. As a woman I can only attest to the fact that Indian men have this weird habit of placing us on the altar and worshiping our goddamned purity. If its not alter-like the next option is to feel “How could she do this?”. Simply because she was a human who loved someone. And she had a life before you came down. We are not asexual beings you know. Its not possible for many of us to keep ourselves stacked up on a shelf waiting to give ourselves to the one. And to top it, you say she was in love. Yes, so it was a lot more serious than just her hormones. Its really annoying when men try to make us think they are sacrificing themselves by accepting our past and expect us to accept their all without feeling so. The reason she will never fess up to you is because you will never leave her alone with it. Never. I wouldn’t if it were me. I know from experience what follows after you fess up. I would rather love and respect a man who can imagine me as a free human being. Its not love if I am being pestered to respect you. Love is not when you expect something out of the other person. If I do it should be my choice and pestering me with my past is not the way to command my love. Its just the same with her. if you hadn’t made an issue out of this with her perhaps there would be none of this ache.She could actually give you her all and even confess things. you obviously have given her the vibe that you cannot think of her as having a life before you so yes, she will ‘show’ you she had none. Even if it isnt true.
Girl as an Indian guy, I have 3 words for you be honest, be honest, be honest.
“Its really annoying when men try to make us think they are sacrificing themselves by accepting our past” you do what you want but when time comes for marriage and guy asks you innocently lie, you don’t respect yourself than how can you expect someone else to respect you and yes the guy is sacrificing his wish to have a virgin wife and being with you. And as for “Why should your wife not have sex before marriage”, it is his choice, don’t like it, don’t have it. Yes Indian guys want virgin gals, so what, if you have problem with this don’t marry an Indian guy, no one is forcing you. And when does he say he wants to her to respect him. I am not against pre martial sex, you life your choices but when a guy asks you about it before marriage you should be honest, you should give him choice to accept you on not don’t just force yourself on him. You deceive him and then harp around that he is being unfair to you.
And I can’t understand why she wouldn’t tell him now, guy won’t divorce her and their marriage is already doomed at least have some sympathy on him now.
Ask yourself if you would like a woman who tells you she’s lost her virginity? If no, then don’t blame us for deceiving you. As for me, yes personally, i wouldn’t marry an Indian guy for a lot many other reasons including the necessity of having to deceive a guy because I’d rather stick with someone who has more sense of expectations from women, But I have seen exceptions too. You can’t always have your cake and eat it too. There are plenty of Indian women who will deceive at the drop of hat just because men have an inflated ego ( mind the word ‘inflated’. It means guys here are simply more unreasonable than guys usually are when their ego works) and not because of so-called respect. So either let go of the ego or your messing around with your wife’s past. And if you can’t, to follow your own advice, go marry women from societies where virginity tests and female circumcision to curb sexual desire is valid. Don’t go all bitchy on me.
agree wid u..100%. when we’re goint to select any gal at the age of 24 or 25 as a girlfriend or wife thn nobody tells about her past and virginity… if you’re goin to ask about her virginity initially thn might be she slap you or boo on your cheap mentality and might be none any gal ready to marry or being commited wid such guy… Its better to forget everything abt past and throw it to the bin and look for the future.. :)
An off topic comment
Become rich or get born in a rich family you get hot gals in their twenties coming after you to become your gf and/or wife and you can be assured of their chastity. And she will tell about her past too. Money my friend is the key to women.
And if you want any gal I would suggest you should enroll in some english course. After all english speakers earn more ;)
Shantanu,
Uditach has a point; it is very easy to say “the girl should come out with the truth” but all girls know that most Indian men (like Anonymous who has got all paranoid at the thought and is ruining his marriage) still are unable to handle the fact that their wives loved someone before them and got intimate with somebody other than them. When you ask girls to be honest, first ask yourself and men like you to be mature and sensible enough to take the truth!
Am sad for this society where women are still talked of like an object of possession ! as if her being a sexually active person has defiled her! She is just as biologically and psychologically wired to have an intimate partner as you are and she has the right to her emotional and physical need fulfillment! and sadly some men cannot accept this because it hurts their ego.
Most of the men here are saying go divorce her! without thinking of how much heartache the girl must have already gone through when her previous relationship didn’t survive…and what is the motive behind trying not to be frank about her past-it is very clear! When just the surface knowledge of her past has made the husband be paranoid and so crazy that he has no qualms about maligning her image publicly what will he do when he knows the entire truth! Can she confide in him like a friend ? No the husband has proved he cannot digest this fact and she cannot reveal it all without risking their entire marriage! Instead of showing her love and trust and proving your superiority over the previous guy by erasing all the past memories and winning her over the guy is obsessing over her ex! you say you lover her and yet you are so unsure of yourself that you don’t think you can compete with her ex?
Well all the self proclaimed “pure men” out there grow up! it is the 21st Century just like men women also are sexual beings and they cannot be rightfully expected to not express it (though most girls still get intimate with someone they love unlike men who do for the sake of the act itself). Its time for you to reflect on yourself and your age old virtues and understand trust, love, confiding in each other, relying on each other it is all mutual and nobody builds up their future if they keep brooding about the past.
i too feel that a woman having sex before marriage is wrong, but my wife had been married for 7 years and had 2 children, a boy and a girl with her first husband. i like that she is a divorcee with children, i feel free that virginity is not an issue in my marriage and my wife’s experience enriches my love life. she is happy if my step son when he grows older also marries a divorcee with children. my friends really like that my wife has much more sexual experience than me, she is my teacher in bed.
Man i feel for you, have been in same setting for past 3 years. First tackle your parents just saying ” its a private matter wont help” they will surely hit at your in laws which will further strain everything. Do anything but make sure theykeep it to themselves if possible live seperately, relations between your wife and parents has gone, they will be angry at her till their last breath.
Also just wait out dont communicate about this with your wife just keep it to yourselves and let some time pass. wives dont help . The last thing you want to listen is to comparisions. There is nothing much you can do just try to live normally. One thing i have learned from all these years is that you wont be disappointed if you dont have any expectations, this reason why you are feeling bad because you expected a happy peaceful married life a lovibg wife etc. just dont expect anything from her take her as a liability not as an asset and it will make you feel better.
Time never stops my friend this too will pass just hold on. This aspect of your life is bad so some other will be good like many have said before focus on tour carrer, woman like nothing more than money.
Also if it was as easy as “just take a deap breath and let go” he wouldnt have come to ask in first place, you just implying “duse your only option is to let go it has been done you cant change it so suck it up” this makes us feel like crap. Someone kills someone and says “hey its done and i am sorry why punish me, person is dead why ruin my life by locking me up?”
I am in such a situation with my girlfriend, I got to know after we had been together for 3 years it was a big shock and she didnt tell me. We are pretty serious I have meet her parents and vice versa. The best thing you can do is not focus on past, which will be very very difficult if you dont have one. Really it is a clear two way street either you can accept it or not. Images and videos gradually do fade overtime but things change a lot. I am always a little nervous and very self concious around her. The comfort goes away, you always feel the need to put up your best as she might be comparing you to him. In sich situations either one if the partners is put on defensive for life.
My advice would be to tame your imagination before it rules you.
Hello All,
I feel sad when i see Indian families treating the girl as she is a slave or a whore. Not only girls guys also indulge in sexual activities but they are not asked about anything. Sex is not a crime if done with mutual consent and it’s a kind of emotional pleasure and support that is being transformed. Your wife is saying you to forget the past and you are constantly dwelling on to her past. How stupid you are, get your things right she is a human being not an animal. Vo bhagvan nhi hai ki she will do everything right. Dont act like god, You don’t have any authority to post anything on her school page and make her feel ashamed. Forget your past, focus on your future and your parents should also understand things. Always remember this every human being has right to live her or his life in a way he or she likes until it is creating problems for others. And your wife past is not a crime, it’s just a feeling that was not controlled. The id took over the ego and superego..forget that live with her happily. Make her comfortable rather than making her life worse.
Thank You Manish!
Reading all these posts I feel that any man who thinks so sensibly should be thanked for just being there! There is still some hope left! :)
And meanwhile I sit and pray that natural selection and evolution wipe out all such men who cannot think beyond their ego and age old misogynistic ideas.
Just curious, how many of you guys would have accepted a girl if she had revealed her past bfr marriage?