Love in India – Let's talk relationships

Key Differences Between Western and Slavic Females

Every Western man, regardless of nationality, heard stories about the beauty of the Slavs. Some people believe this is a myth, but some are convinced that this is true and aspire to marry Ukrainian woman. We are convinced that the truth is somewhere in the middle. A lot of socio-cultural and psychological research, as well as the emergence of the internet, which almost erased the boundaries between the Western and Eastern worlds, gave us the opportunity to study this topic and provide you with the most objective review of the differences between Slavs and Western women.

Photo by Tom Merton

Features of the Mentality of Slavic Females

Respect for men

The main distinguishing feature of the character of the Slavs, which can be seen at a close acquaintance, is a special attitude towards a man, as an unofficial leader in all aspects of life. Even if the relationship between a man and a woman is purely friendly (or even businesslike), the Slavic women show a great respect for a man. Of course this is more of a characteristic of married couples. Historically, almost all Slavic peoples had a patriarchal social structure, where the opinion of the man was key. Today, such a clear division has long been absent, but respect for men has been preserved subconsciously.

Appearance

Reasonable people think that the folklore about the large proportion of beautiful women among the Slavic peoples is not objective. However, a great many of Slavic women indeed are exquisite and have an attractive figure. Therefore, the popularity of Russians, Ukrainians and Belarusians among Western men has a strong “external” foundation. It is also worth noting that the beauty of Slavic women is built on individuality. They rarely try to copy the style and appearance of famous actresses and models, as Europeans and Americans often do, but prefer to stand out among other women. Although not all men like this.

The family

The family is a sacred connection for Slavic women. They have retained the concept of “family hearth” in its original form and do not allow anyone from outside to influence this. For most Slavic women (especially the older generation) raising children is the main purpose of life. Slavic mothers bring up children in a spirit of respect and discipline. They teach children to work hard and respect the elders. Slavs rarely aspire to become a “friend” to their child, since parental care for a future member of society is more important to them. It’s therefore no surprise that most Russians and Ukrainians prefer to see their parents as parents, not friends.

Jealousy

Slavic women are very jealous. If a woman sees at least the slightest hint of encroachment on her man, she will do everything to quickly remove the competitor from the picture. And if her husband or boyfriend gives her reason to be jealous, then it is better for him to run for his life and not argue. Their fierce jealousy is really just the other side of the coin of their unquestioned commitment to their man.

A Brief of Differences between Slavic and Western Women

We will not consider the mentality of Western women in detail since you already know everything. Instead of this, we wrote a short brief of differences between Russian and American girls that will help clarify the picture:

Photo by Alicia Woodward

Slavic females are indifferent to the ideas of feminism. Many of them even condemn it, which cannot be said about Western women.
Slavic women often prefer family, not career. A successful marriage and love are more important for them.
Western women dress the way they want. Slavic girls try to follow a certain dress code, which is not always understood by Western men
Slavic girls devote a considerable amount of time to their appearance. Western women are not so obsessed with this issue.
Slavic women are very active and hardworking. This may sound paradoxical, but Slavic men cannot boast of this. Western women are often more laid back.

Have you ever considered dating someone from the other side of the world? What’s your experience of mingling with the Eastern European people if any? Do let us know in the comments. We’ll wait to hear from you. Bye!

Romantic Relations at Work: Six Basic Rules of the Game

Recently, scientists have made a big discovery: Dating someone you work with is possible. With female colleagues, you can not only supervise, lead and perform other wonderful duties of an effective manager, but also have a good old romp between the sheets! Yes, all laboratory studies have confirmed this, so you can trust me. Today we’ll talk about how and when it is advisable to engage in such relationships (just don’t tell anyone that we told you how to date a coworker!). In addition, you will find out that it may be time to sleep with your boss … and we know that you have long dreamed about it. Enjoy reading!

“All the scientific theories of psychology, devoted to the nature of love and other relevant comforts of human existence, confirm: joint work is the best catalyst of sympathy, love and even passion,” says Amy Nicole Salvajo, assistant professor of psychology at the University of New Haven.

Photo by siewkumhong If you think about it, offices (and other working spaces) are literally ideal for romantic interactions. After all, they are filled with masculine and feminine creatures, spending eight hours a day side by side, having dinner together, and sometimes even parties. There is a dress code that requires you to look attractive (if you know how to tweak your corporate dress code to your advantage ;) ). In offices, there are coolers and snacks vending machines in secluded corners that could be great places for meeting. Therefore don’t be surprised when you find out your neighbor in the next cubicle is dating someone at work and probably waking up in the same bed with them!

There was a time when employers of all sizes struggled to regulate romantic relationships among employees. However today we see a slightly different picture. The hatchet, of course, is not yet buried, but the pit is already dug. Employers have discovered that it’s easier for them to pretend not to notice the potential intertwining of the destinies of their employees. And thank God for that because going against human nature is not very effective. And we all want to be “effective people managers” and “leaders of tomorrow” don’t we?

The opportunity to get to know someone well before starting to date is a huge plus for work romances. But before your mind gets busy fantasizing about dragging that secretary with a sensual mouth into a dark corner, be aware that workplace romance has its own unwritten rules. You should know how to date a coworker in the right way to avoid possible troubles.

Most men recognize them by going through trials, mistakes, public humiliations and even termination. But we have a better proposal: how about taking your lessons on dating someone at work from other people’s mistakes?

Keep it discreet

Most participants in any work collective usually hold negative views of an intimate relationship between a manager and his subordinate. Even if you accidently turned out to be matches using a senior dating service. The reason for this is clear: someone who is intimately involved with their boss is less trusted. After all, no one can be sure that you, in gratitude for a wonderful night, do not end up sharing your colleagues’ secrets with the boss.

Have you Decided to End the Relationship? Do it Quietly

We’re sorry to prick your balloon, but no matter how beautiful your new workplace relationship seems, it is statistically less likely to survive than to perish. More than 60% of workplace couples’ paths diverge during the first year and often with scandals.

But you’re smart and you aren’t going to avoid being one of them. Here’s how.

The best option: on the first date itself you should discuss what happens if you break up. This may seem strange, but this step will save you a lot of trouble.

Keep personal relations at home

The best thing you can do for your career is to forbid yourself once and for all to hold intimate conversations with your workplace partner during working hours. Even if she sits at a nearby table and you know that she’s wearing that special set of underwear for you.

The habit of keeping your personal life outside the office is especially useful when things aren’t going that great between the two of you. Yes, we know that it is almost impossible. However it is better to keep your differences under wraps till you get home.

No One-night stands

One-night stands are good only for people you meet in nightclubs. Even when you’re at it you know that the morning will come and in a few hours you will forget each other’s names. With a colleague this does not work. You will see each other every day, embarrassing each other and creating tension. This is sure to be noticed by someone. So if you decide to just have fun, you can eventually make yourself a dangerous and unpredictable enemy to your partner.

Put yourself in her shoes

Since you are dating a coworker, be ready for the fact that the colleague, with whom you started a romance, will begin to panic at some point.

“What will people think?”

The reality is that in such situations our society almost always judges a man less severely than a woman. You will look like a macho man, but for her things are different. Any label (including but not limited to those consisting of five letters, for example) might stick to her.

Therefore, if you are a gentleman, then don’t share your sexual conquests with your male colleagues.

We hope you are.

Defend Your Reputation

If you think that the Don Juan image will only give you dividends, think again. We don’t need to tell you that promiscuous men are treated with suspicion. By both women’s and men’s part of the team. So you may not want to develop a reputation for being a player at your workplace.

Have you ever been involved with anyone in your workplace? What’s your experience of office romance between your colleagues been like? Tell us about all that and more in the comments. Until next time, ciao ciao!

Are You Still Single? Here Are 7 Reasons Why

Usually, people don’t wonder whether there is a reason why you are still single and just complain about their loneliness and despair to find the right person. In most cases, people are single because they want to be single, they have a certain lifestyle and unconsciously do everything not to change it. They don’t really care about finding the love and saving close relationship. People want to love in their dreams more than to take responsibilities in the real world. There are many different reasons why personally you are single in this period of life, look at the below given cases that can remind you some familiar situations.

You have a tight schedule and almost no free time

Photo by Becky Wetherington You have got a promotion and now you have to work even more. When you have several free hours, you want nothing but to relax and to be in silence or to meet with your old best friends. Serious relationships require huge emotional investing, sometimes not less than climbing the career ladder. Single people get used to having free time that they can spend in accordance with their desire and not to spend it on building a new relationship with a potential partner. If you want to change the situation, you should change your mind about the free time.

You don’t know what you really want

You can be in searching for your own destiny or you are going to emigrate to another continent in the foreseeable future, to change your job and to start studying. You just have no time and desire to add one more challenge to the list, however, you suffer from being single and having no help. Now you need rather a housemaid, a cooker and a lover in one person than a beloved partner. Such a situation cannot last forever and your main goal will change, involving your private life.

You are not self-confident to have a partner

You look in the mirror and make a weird face because you are not satisfied with your appearance, your job and yourself in general. You don’t make yourself change the situation, change a way of life and a work place. You suffer from different consequences of the internal disharmony, starting from having no friends and ending with reluctance to have a close relationship. Maybe you are afraid that you will fall in love and a partner will break up with you. It is necessary to change yourself and take pleasure from the whole life.

You try to teach everyone

Photo by FAFPeople prefer to get pieces of advice only upon request and they hate when someone puts themselves above. Nobody cares about your experience and the success in life. People want to talk, to be heard and not to get some free lessons. Look fairly at yourself. Are you so successful and rich to teach everyone to live a better life? If you are not, stop doing that.

You are searching for a perfect partner

Have you already imagined an ideal person to the smallest detail? In any case, you should understand that this person lives only in your head, they are the result of your imagination. You can try to find them, but you can spend the whole life looking for them. You narrow the worldview and reduce your chances to meet a really good person.

You are a narcissist in the final stage

If you don’t stop considering you the most important person in the world, you will not find a beloved partner because all your love is concentrated around yourself. Stop thinking about only your wishes and look around. People want to get love back.

You don’t watch your appearance

People make their opinion at the first sight at your outfit and someone of them even doesn’t want to pay attention to your sharp mind. Nobody dreams about a bad-looking person. First, love yourself and then other people will love you.

Midnight Fairy Tales – Part 2 (Reader’s story)

Guest post by Bakhtawar

I checked the tank, it had sufficient to take me home but not more. I said I’m sorry. I asked her where she was headed, she replied home and was scared
being alone at this time of the night. The city didn’t have a good reputation for safety of women. I enquired that her home was around 35kms from the
dhaba, the cellphone battery had been long empty .It was impossible for her to go home from there. I didn’t want to leave her on the mercy of a taxi. I
offered my apartment as a bivouac for the night and asked her to leave early in the morning when the petrol pumps would open up. Initially she was
reluctant, but later succumbed to my mot juste insistence after a heated debate with the stall owner about the possibility of reprobates with amatory
desires coming to the dhaba at night. I put on the helmet while she sat on my ride. Bakhtawar was at its best that night, it knew this would go a long way.

GRRUM GRRUM, Bakhtawar now carrying both of us sailed through. Bakhtawar’s resplendent black body, the shining steel rims sparkling in the moonlight and
the grumps, It was a ride to remember forever.

I reached home, parked my ride and went inside the frowsy room first to put everything on the table and the bed hastily into the cupboard. I called her and
in she came. She looked around for sometime and then took a chair besides the study table.

“So, what would you have”, I asked

“Nothing, thank you.”

“What about a coffee?”

“No, I don’t feel like having anything…”

“Okay, I’ll make some coffee for both of us, drink it whenever you want. :) ”

“Okay… :) ”

By the time I came back, she was reading a book. She was reading Gogol. I said”He’s one writer who had real wits. You don’t get to see that kind of humor
these days”. She smiled and said she’d never read him before. That made me flaunt all my literary pursuits,

“Have you read Pushkin?”

“No.”

“Umm…Khaled Hosseini?”

“Yeah…that one…about the doctor right?”

“Yes yes, did you like it?”

“It was good, it made me cry as well”

“Hmm…”

I wanted to keep the conversation going, wanted to talk to her.

Praise the Lord for those 3 cups of coffee each, we talked all night. From books, music, films to school, college, love and sex. She had the cute female
perspective on everything while I had the crude, boyish one. By morning we had established a bond between us, like we had known each other for years before
this. Time went on, and it was time for her to leave. After refueling her car, I asked “when are you planning your next trip here with an empty tank?”

“Haha, you want me to get stuck and scared again??” replied Nazneen.

“Well, I don’t mind if it turns out exactly like last night.”

“I’ll be seeing you”, she kissed me on the cheeks (my guerdon), and then left. I kept looking at her car till she disappeared after the next crossing.

“Holy….Cow”, I forgot to take her number and give her mine. I felt so disappointed and restless at such a big loss. The only option I have now is to wait
for Nazneen to arrive at my doorstep one day and so I’m waiting. It’s been two days now and she’s made a writer out of me already. Phew!

Midnight Fairy Tales – Part 1 (Reader’s story)

Guest post by Bakhtawar

Two nights ago, after having a drink or two at a soiree at my friends place, I and Bakhtawar were returning home. It must have been around 1 in the night when I decided to explore the city in the silence of the night. The road I was moving on had been so irritating some hours back, now it was calling for lone riders to talk to it.

Grrrrrrr, the soft, polite and yet strong cadence of Bakhtawar sailing through the chilly winter night breeze made me feel like a king. It was as if each road was waiting to greet me, calling me to be on it. The roads on which millions travelled each day with their happiness, sorrows, ambitions, curse, pride and despair were indeed the garbage dumps of anger and frustration. Engrossed in these thoughts, I kept sailing past high rise apartments and buildings, restaurants, taverns, schools, offices, markets, each telling me a new story until I was stopped for verification at a police check post. “kahan se aa rahe ho?” was what I was asked.

I replied “ghar se, bike par yuhin dilli raat ko dekhne nikla hun”.

Photo by driver Photographer

“Chalo, license aur gaari ke kagaz nikalo”.

I lied where I had come from considering the fact that telling him that I had returned from my friends place would inevitably let them conclude that I had drinks.

After around 5 minutes of frisking and checking legal documents I was allowed to go by the short fat middle aged man. The funny thing about the man was the small rectangular belt buckle he wore. It faced the floor perfectly courtesy the mammoth load it had to bear around the man’s gigantic tummy. I said “shukriya” as I left

Going past a prominent college in the city I recalled preparing to get into it, it was a dream, not because of the moolah I would earn after passing out but because of the ‘chicks’ and parties that were synonymous with the college. I remembered my college days, those parties which lasted forever sans girls! Out in the distance I saw a small food stall (dhaba), realizing my strong urge for a hot cup of tea in the chilly night I parked my ride, lit a navy cut and ordered tea.

Echoes of old Hindi songs played in the background from the radio in the stall, the stall owner hymned along making my tea while I smoked, looking around the place full of trees and flowers. Tea was served and it was wonderful having something hot in the chill. As there was no one else in the dhaba, I started a conversation with the stall owner asking about the place and the reason he had kept his stall open till then. He replied that he had been a taxi driver for 5 years and realizing the necessity of tea stalls for tired taxi drivers to beat the chill at night, had started this stall 2 years back. The conversation went on for around 10 more minutes until a white car stopped at the dhaba. To my great surprise a woman came out of it.

The stall owner looked in awe, she was well dressed. She wore a beautiful grey long jacket, had put on light make up. She had long hair. I could make out she was scared. She came to the stall owner and said “bhaiya, meri gaadi ka petrol khatam ho gaya hai, aapke paas thoda petrol pada hai”, “saare petrol pump band ho gaye hain”. The stall owner replied “nahin madam, aap inse (pointing towards me) pooch lijiye”. She turned to me, I hushed “eee mmm I’m not sure, umm.. I’ll check”.

Boy was she beautiful.

(to be continued)

Dating in India – Is it finally happening?

“Yeah that’s right. Don’t let your parents arrange your marriage. Don’t let your auntie/cousin create your matrimonial profile. How on earth am I supposed to get married if I happen to have not been lucky enough to just run into my soul mate accidentally??”

My vehement advocacy of freedom of choosing one’s life partner has landed me in trouble not once, not twice, but several times. To be frank, I kinda don’t mind.

But this was serious. My follower-cum-friend T wanted a real solution to a real problem: What about those who don’t “accidentally” find someone to fall in love with?

“Well, that’s why we have dating.” I offer, as we sip coffee together on a sunny Saturday afternoon. Separated by a few thousand miles. Typing away fiercely.

“Which doesn’t exist in India. Let’s be honest.”

Dating … What?

Well…er…right. Indians do marry for love. But these matches are usually based on people “accidentally” finding each other through work/school/mutual friends and relatives. No nonsense, goal-driven dating is still rare.

“But what about online dating?”

“You try it. The profiles are mostly either fake or of sickos looking for new ways to get off.”

“You’re right. I would probably not go out on a “date” with a guy I didn’t already know and/or like,” I was thinking aloud. “You can’t really trust people you don’t know.”

“See?” I could almost see the look of huffed triumph on T’s face.

The conversation stuck with me. Indian girls are simply put off by online dating. Strange men are usually seen as sources of potential danger in our culture, and for good reason. So what are the options of the young, urban(ized), upwardly mobile singles who’re bored of matrimonial websites and are ready to write the Indian Dating Story?

I did my research. I was surprised to find how many Indian dating portals and apps exist. While each was unique in its own cool ways, none of these apps answered my basic question: Am I sure I’m not wasting my time?

In other words, how sure am I of the quality of the member community?

One of the apps which stood out is called Woo – A cool mobile meeting platform for interesting, young, progressive singles.

Keeping it real

So what’s Woo’s answer to my question? And why is it special?

The answer is simple – a flat rejection of my sign up request. And it’s special because it irked me and wowed me at the same time.

What characterizes Woo is its commitment to keeping things real – creating opportunities for you to find a person you can actually go out on a date with. The platform intends to actively discourage “casual” flirting and thrill-seeking by people not looking for a serious relationship. For starters, when you try to sign up it screens your Facebook profile to check if you’re married or in a relationship, and politely declines to have you on board if you are. Woo rejects a substantial proportion of the sign up requests that it gets. It calls itself a “curated community” of real singles, looking for a real connection.

But being single on Facebook isn’t your sure-fire ticket on to Woo-land.

Woo auto-creates your profile photo album from Facebook.

Woo pulls in what you do for a living from Linkedin.

It even auto-populates your interests (in the form of pages you subscribe to) from Facebook.

That’s how real your Woo avatar would be once you’re past the sign up stage.

This approach isn’t free of its glitches though. I, like most of you, subscribe to many pages on Facebook, without giving a lot of thought to it. Like humour pages, friend’s photography pages etc. Woo picks two pages out of those under “interests” and shows it to one’s matches, which may not at all be representative of one’s actual interests. (In my case “Neha G Photography” showed up as one of these two. What the ….?)

However, the bottom line remains – no faking customizing of interests in order to attract people you like. No “enhanced” profile pictures for dating purposes. No padded up resume. Just the real you. That’s all you get to bring on to Woo.

Liar liar…

Between you and me – the rejection didn’t feel great. That ensured I was all the more curious to find out what exactly Woo offered me in return for demanding such high standards of authenticity.

Here’s what I did. I signed up through the Facebook profile of a single friend. :D

First surprise after you’re past the profile creation stage – it’s telling you to turn on your GPS.

My GPS?? I almost checked again to make sure I was not on Google Maps.

This was wow. This was truly unique. In keeping with Woo’s commitment to “keeping it real”, it gives you match suggestions of people only in the same city as you – people you can date in the real world. True to its principle of accepting nothing but the truth, Woo doesn’t trust you with disclosing your true location. It would rather believe your GPS.

Woo sometimes takes this mistrust of its users to a pesky level. For example, you can’t write what you want about yourself in the “About me” section. Users are allowed only to pick from a list of pre-defined adjectives which describe them, such as “wanderer”, “music maven” etc. Trolling-proof as they may be, standardized interests for everyone with no scope for expressing oneself freely takes a whole lot of the fun out of a dating app.

The final move

When it comes to match suggestions, Woo takes into account your mutual friends on Facebook, which increases credibility. If you like someone and are too shy to just kick it off by sending them a message, you can even ask mutual friends to introduce you.

You can open up a chat only if the attraction is mutual, i.e. if you confirm that you like someone and they return the favour. That takes care of spam. As a further measure against spamming, Woo also lets you “hide” your profile from being displayed publicly, if you want use the app to chat only with your existing matches.

You can continue to chat on Woo’s plush red-and-wood themed IM platform till you’re comfortable to take things to real life. (Oh btw, Woo’s Indianized humour emoticons are the coolest I’ve EVER used. And that includes Facebook. And Whatsapp.)

So if you’re a young adult, out there looking for a real relationship, Woo might just be your perfect start. If you’re a woman, with the whole suite of security tools from anti-stalking to anti-spam features, this is also one of the safest it’s going to get on a dating app.

Real matches. The real you. A real connection.

Disclaimer: This is a sponsored post.

“Prostitution in The Name of An Arranged Marriage.” Deepika’s Story

Below is a heart-rending life story from one of our readers, Deepika. I thank her on behalf of all of you for sharing it with us.

I had an arranged marriage five years ago. We had a nine-month long period of courtship.

Falling in love

It bears mentioning here that through most of my twenties, I’d been in a relationship with my best friend from college.

The relationship was great in every other respect, except that my “boyfriend” and I could not agree on issues of children and our careers.

He expected me to put my career on hold and become the standard IT spouse. I wanted children, he didn’t. No room for negotiations.

Long story short, we broke up months before our wedding. I was heart-broken. I had never considered a future without him. He’d been an integral part of my life since college.

Falling out

I felt as I was missing a limb after we broke up. Did I mention that we belonged to different communities and castes?

It had taken us three years to get my parents’ approval. Yet, here we were, unable to get past the issue of children.

“What kind of man doesn’t want children?” My parents exclaimed in utter bewilderment.

Anyway, we broke up and I moved back to live with my parents. I couldn’t bear living alone; I was completely devastated. I had lost my best friend and not just a boyfriend.

Long story short, I took two years to recover emotionally, and at 29, I was past my shelf life. I created profiles on the matrimonial websites, hoping to meet someone I’d begin to like.

I met men in their 30s who were either looking for a quick fling or men who just wanted to get married. Anyone would do.

After a couple of years of countless dead-ends, I was getting desperate. My clock was ticking loudly and I had always wanted kids.

An arranged marriage?

At the age of 32, I was looking squarely at a childless future. My parents suggested the arranged marriage route.

Photo by Mr. Seb

I had always been against arranged marriages. I have two aunts who had terrible, abusive arranged marriages. I didn’t want to end up like them. Yet I wanted children, and there wasn’t enough time to build a slow, gradual relationship.

It was out of my desperation that I agreed to meet a prospect. He was extremely well-educated, with a PhD in engineering from a top British university. He was very successful professionally and came from a similar socio-economic background.

Apparently.

After checking for “hygiene” factors, we decided to get married. While I wasn’t attracted to him sexually, I hoped to develop some kind of affection for him over time.

The arranged marriages around me lacked passion. But they seemed to have a time-tested, easy bond of familiarity around them. Much like you and your favourite, worn-out cotton pajamas.

Before marriage, I’d once asked him why he was always on edge, tightly wound up and fiercely on his guard. He’d told me he suffered from social anxiety, that it took him some time to let his guard down. He was shy, he told me. “Give me time,” he said.

Is that what it looks like?

Reality struck the day after our wedding day. The measured, soft-spoken man I had married morphed into a critical, severely controlling, chronically suspicious, angry and hostile stranger.

Nothing I did pleased him. Every action, gesture or word was criticised harshly.

I also discovered that his closeness to his mother and sister bordered on the abnormal.

Our marriage didn’t have two people in it, it had four people. “You’re not married only to me,” he said, “You’re married to my family”. I asked him, “Does it mean that all of us should have sex with each other?” The absurdity of it made no sense.

Every intimate detail of our marriage, including our failure to consummate the marriage, was discussed with his mother and sister.

A bit of friendly motherhood advice

My mother-in-law called my mother and said to her, “Your daughter won’t sleep with my son. Haven’t you taught her the duties of a wife?”

In that family, sex between husband and wife was reduced to an entitlement, a privilege, a right.

Sex was something you did, in darkness, silently, quickly, without affection, without regard for each other, without emotion. Prostitution in the name of marriage.

Photo by Johan B. Lindega

That was my marriage. An impersonal transaction based on power and privilege. No warmth. No empathy.

No humanity.

A joyless, loveless, humourless meeting of bodies, but not of hearts or minds.

Oh no, all arranged marriages are not like that.

In conclusion

Long story short (OK, not so short). My only advice to young women is: DO NOT marry a man for his education, bank balance or family background. You will wake up every day next to this person.

For two years, I’d wake up next to my ex-husband and want to weep.

I’d married a PhD, a man who made a tidy sum, but who had no empathy, no capacity to feel joy or love. I’d married an emotional void. A repressed man who could feel no emotion but anger.

Compatibility is elusive, but critical to the success of a marriage. That shared laugh, that quick squeeze of the hand, that familiarity, trust and understanding is extremely important.

Be careful who you marry.

It’s the biggest decision of your life.

Are All Arranged Marriages Bad?

I was having the good old love vs arranged marriage debate with a friend a few days back (Yes. Again.) His point was – isn’t dating similar to arranged marriages? A modern arranged marriage is about meeting different people shortlisted by your parents based on certain preset criteria, getting to know them over a period of time and finally selecting one of them. How different is that from inputting certain criteria on a dating website, meeting people based on these and selecting one of them finally?

Not very, I conceded.

But that’s not the image that comes to my mind when I think of arranged marriages. I’m reminded of young girls forced out of jobs and into marriages they weren’t ready for. I’m reminded of young couples forced out of their existing relationships into marriages they never wanted. I’m reminded of incompatible matches made on the basis of castes, religions, gotras and kundlis.

Clearly he and I couldn’t possibly be talking about the same thing even though we both thought we were describing “arranged marriages”. That’s when I realised we need to reclassify marriages.

So what are the different types of arranged marriages?

Photo by The People Speak!

#1. Guided marriages

In this case a man or a woman willingly allows their parents to look for possible matches for them, at a time when he or she is ready for marriage (not at a point of time chosen unilaterally by the parents). The parents then shortlist a set of possible matches as per criteria jointly decided by the parents and the child (again, not unilaterally dictated by the parents). The child then meets and spends time with the selected people over months/years. They start “dating” the ones they like. Eventually they get married after a year or so of knowing each other, if everything goes as per plan.

A minuscule but increasing proportion of modern, ultra-urban arranged marriages are done this way nowadays. As you can see, this is a win-win solution for everyone. This doesn’t, in any way, sacrifice anyone’s freedom and no one – leave alone me – can possibly have anything against a spontaneous exercise of free will by every individual concerned. I’m all for guided marriages.

#2. Forced marriages

This, on the other hand, is a decision on a person’s marriage taken unilaterally by their parents and extended family. Usually it’s the family which decides the timing of the marriage. They select a set of potential matches. The final selection might be made by the guy/girl themselves. But the base criteria for selection are laid out by the parents (including caste, religion etc.).

Sadly, forced marriages often involve coercing a guy/ girl OUT of an EXISTING relationship into an unwanted marriage. It can also involve getting a daughter, or even son, married off at a much earlier life stage than they’re ready for.

Now this, as we all know, is a kind of marriage that doesn’t recognise the concept of individual freedom. By failing to take individual choice into account, this sometimes sacrifices the happiness of the new couple.

Photo by VishalSinghx

Unfortunately, a significant proportion of Indian arranged marriages end up going down the forced route. I’m sure you’ll agree – no rational person in their right mind can support such coercion of innocent individuals into a life they never wanted. Neither do I.

Have you had an arranged marriage? Have you observed one from close quarters? Was it guided or forced? Share the experience with us by leaving a comment.

Q&A:My Girlfriend is Still Not Over Her Ex’s Death

Q: I have been in a relationship with a girl for the last two months.

The thing is, her ex boyfriend died two years back. Now, I’m willing to handle this. But of late she’s started feeling like all of her feelings died with him, that she can never truly love anyone ever again. I really care for her. What should I do?

– Anonymous

Photo by Love is the key

A: When a couple breaks up, it’s because something went wrong between them. That itself gives both the people a good reason why it couldn’t work – a starting point for moving on. It might be entirely one-sided, that is – it might be just one of them who fell out of love. But even in that case it at least causes pain to the other person – gives them some reason to not want to go back.

Death, however, is a shocking end to a relationship. It doesn’t let you say your goodbyes. It takes you away from each other when NEITHER of you wanted it. That makes it excruciatingly difficult for the surviving one to feel anything but longing, yearning and pain for the departed one. They miss them forever. There’s no closure for them.

Hence your case is particularly challenging. She’s still reeling from the shock and pain of not having said her goodbyes to her departed boyfriend. Two years is a long time. Since she hasn’t moved on yet, her wounds seem really deep. I think she needs help. Why don’t you help her see a grief counselor and connect her with support groups of people recovering from similar experiences? Given her situation, these are very important steps in her healing process.

At the same time you have to control your emotional involvement with her at this stage. She’s not completely ready for a relationship yet. If you do decide to help her, make sure you can do so without expectations. You should also keep your own options open by continuing to date. And you should be open to her about it. Help her more as a caring friend and because she needs it, rather than because you want commitment from her in return (as I said – she’s not ready for it).

Your How-to Guide to Info on The Fly: Guialis

It was a cosy Saturday afternoon. The hubby and I had been to an art exhibition with friends. By the time we left, our hearts were full with the satisfaction of a Saturday well spent. Our stomachs, however, were far from it and kept pushing us towards the idea of a good old round of tea and snacks, holiday style. After a wild goose chase for the perfect coffee shop of about 20 minutes, we turned to the Wise One – Grandpa Google.

Wow. That’s a lot of search results. But erm … well, not exactly what we were looking for.

We wanted some place small, quaint, not crowded, and not flashy. On to search results beyond page 1 (gasps!) … and there they were. A couple of places which fit the bill – as per their listing descriptions. But when I clicked on the relevant link and landed up on their profiles, I realized I didn’t have to go by the owners’ testimonies. I could read reviews by real people who’d been their guests! … For a long time we’d cherish the perfect relaxed afternoon we enjoyed that Saturday sitting at a tiny, quiet, old-world tea-n-snacks place – exactly as I wanted.

I felt grateful. I was curious about the local search directory without which we’d never have had this awesome experience.

The site was unfamiliar. “Guialis”, it said – a brand new online classifieds directory of local businesses and services. I was surprised. I didn’t know such a site even existed! Its cool, clean mobile interface impressed me the moment I landed on the its homepage. Simple and direct. With a searchbox and none of the clutter that’s usually part of web directories. (Come to think of it – web directories like this should be especially mobile-friendly. When you search for the nearest eating place, movie theatre or shopping mall, it’s your small, rectangular electronic lifeline that you’re likely to be hanging on to for support, right?) On Guialis, I hardly felt like I was on my mobile.

Even as you search (think “restaurants in Oshiwara”), autosuggestion options keep helping you refine your search continuously (“Chinese restaurants in Oshiwara”, “cheap Chinese restaurants in Oshiwara”…)

Finally, a cool, neat, no-clutter results page with stunning quality of text and image display.

I browsed through. From restaurants, apparel, shoes and beauty to weddings and even personal loans – Guialis features it all. But so does every other major local search service provider. What’s the big deal?

Nothing, apart from the fact that it’s 100% free – not just for end-users but also for business-owners. Yeah that’s right. All you need to list your business on Guialis is to register on the site for free. No need to contact the local search provider – like some websites require. And no need to pay for anything. No, not even an “upgrade”, ’cause your free business profile is already the best. ;) It not only allows you to upload an unlimited text description of your business, but also an unlimited number of images. We know a picture speaks a thousand words. And in case of web-based promotion of businesses, pictures also give you a thousand times more page-views and popularity to the 21^st century ADD-afflicted web surfer.

That’s not all. I discovered Guialis is one of the very few web directories of India which allow users to create entire profiles for their favourite restaurants, hotels, spas, beauty salons etc. and share the good news. This requires no intervention from the business concerned. I was really impressed by this feature as it puts user feedback at the very centre of how popularity works within the directory. This helps increase the reliability of the profiles and makes them more meaningful to the entire user-base.

Oh, and did I mention providing ratings and reviews is a piece of cake on this site, requiring nothing more than a registration? I believe this is a very important feature, as an easy rating and review process draws more users to participate, thereby increasing the overall quality and authenticity of site content.

And we all know it’s absolutely essential to compare notes on everything in the world with our friends on Facebook and Twitter, right? Guialis knows that too. That’s why it allows you to share all your profiles, ratings and reviews on social media. :)

All in all – I have my Guialis profile created. I like to use it not only for info on the fly, but also for helping people like you and me by contributing my views on the products and services I use.

What about you?

Disclaimer: This is a sponsored post.