July 2013 – Love in India

Q&A: My Live-in Boyfriend Goes Out with Another Girl (Part 2)

[This is a response to a Q&A query. Please read the original question here.]

Sarah, are you or are you not Jake’s girlfriend as of today?

The main issue here is that none of you have a clear answer to that question at the moment. You’re both confused.

Jake breaks up with you. He stops having sex with you to impress this point upon you. And then he has dreams about you cheating on him and drinking again. If he’s truly let go of you, why does he care? If he’s truly let go of you, why does he need to tell you that Sally is only a friend and not a date?

On the other hand you sometimes feel it’s over. You feel you’re living with him just because you have nowhere else to do. Then again you feel helpless about not being able to make him believe that you’d never drink again. And you feel uncontrollable pangs of jealousy for his new “friend” Sally. Why Sarah?

Photo by romaaaaaa

This brings me to the question of the mysterious circumstances of the “break-up” itself. Your boyfriend of three years broke up with you because you went out and got drunk one evening. One evening in three whole years. Really? I’m sorry Sarah, but let me tell you – that wasn’t the reason Jake tried to end this relationship, it was the trigger. Things have been there on Jake’s mind for a long time, nudging him, pushing him to reconsider your relationship with him. I suspect there isn’t one but several reasons he’s been feeling this way. The incident of your night out in the town was just the trigger which excited him into taking action.

It’s these real issues which you need to find out Sarah.

What are these issues?

Why didn’t he discuss these with you?

Can you do anything to allay his worries about whatever the issues are?

Do you want to?

These are questions the answers to which both of you will have to work out together. Have an open discussion with Jake. Ask him directly about what is it that’s bothering him. And most importantly – emphasize that you want to make this relationship work and you’re ready to put in all necessary efforts for it. At this point there’s a significant communication gap between the two of you which needs to be bridged if this relationship has to move any further.

The second issue is that of your total emotional dependence on Jake. Yes Sarah. You’re overly emotionally dependent on him. His approval means the world to you. Him going out with another girl – who he doesn’t even call a date – makes you completely out of control. You’re still extremely guilty about the drinking incident. And you feel desperate because you have nowhere else to go.

That’s not the way any healthy relationship can work, Sarah. Every relationship requires some space. Emotional intimacy is great. But too much emotional dependence on your partner makes them feel suffocated. It makes you completely out of control. And so it gives your partner two reasons to start feeling a bit wary about you.

Hence you need to find yourself. You need to find your strength. That’s your Priority #1 in life at this point. And for that you need to be self-sufficient. Yes, it’s a long-term goal, it can’t be achieved tomorrow. But what stops you from spending every waking hour in pursuit of that goal? Focus on your job search. Put that as the #1 item on your daily to-do list, because it is. No matter whether this relationship survives or not. Jake is right – even if it does survive, some level of material independence on your part will take certain pressures off both of you (e.g. guilt on your part for feeling like using him, consequent lack of trust on his).

Also, as a direct consequence of your excessive emotional dependence your boyfriend, you’re letting him take you for granted. At the moment you’ve put him at the centre of your life. That’s not where he belongs, Sarah. There’s one, and only person who belongs there – you. If you’ve been regular around here you’d know that your partner is a very important part of your life, but not your life itself. One more important principle that’s relevant to you is – you can’t change others, you can only change your own response to them.

Sally, for example. You’re letting her affect you so much more than you should, Sarah. You’re way too worked up about her role in Jake’s life. The only message that this conveys to Jake is, “I’m desperate and unable to function without you.” Jake may not be conscious of it, but this message signals to his brain that you’re “safe”, that you can be taken for granted. Which makes his brain think it’s OK to not reply to your message while he’s out with Sally at 1 in the morning.

This is a never-ending vicious cycle Sarah. The only way – if at all – of making Jake take you more seriously is to let go. When he comes back tonight don’t even wake up. Tomorrow morning ask him pleasantly how his evening went. Never ask him about Sally. Never make angry comments about Sally. If she ever comes up in conversation, be warm and positive. You’ve told Jake you’d be “mad” at him for having a night out in the town with Sally. But ironically, your message to Jake would be a lot clearer if you don’t get mad, than if you do. If you’re all cool about the whole Sally thing, Jake will slowly realize you probably need him less than you once did. Trust me – if Jake still loves you, that can be just the wake-up call he’s needed for so long.

All the best Sarah. At Love in India we’re all there by your side. :)

Q&A: My Live-in Boyfriend Goes Out with Another Girl (Part 1)

I’m 18 year old, American, female, living together with my boyfriend of 3 years. He’s 20. Let’s call him Jake. His dad had problems with alcohol abuse when he was a child. As a result he’s promised himself never to drink in his life and expects the same from me. I’m not a great fan of alcohol either and had no problem giving him my word on this. However one evening about a month back I got drunk with a couple of friends. He was mad and broke up with me.

Now Jake is an extremely responsible, smart, good guy and I’m completely dependent on him for all my practical needs. Like a place to live, for example. I had a job earlier which I left for further education. I’ve now completed my degree and I’m looking for a new job. Ironically, I don’t even have a car which I can drive to my interviews, apart from the one his family has lent me. Even though he’s “broken up” with me, he’s promised he’d never abandon me, so I can continue to live in his house and use his resources as long as I don’t have other options.

Photo by davemmett

It’s emotionally very stressful for me to continue to live with him, with his family thinking we’re together, when he’s totally stopped hugging me or showing any kind of affection. I was used to a lot of hugging and cuddling. Nowadays he just comes home and sleeps and tells me to make plans with my friends in the weekend. And there’s no sexual intimacy between us anymore. He says he can’t get intimate with me as he’s “broken up” with me.

Since that fateful evening out in the town it has been an uphill task trying to convince him that he can trust me again. He’s started getting upset about me visiting even my family and friends. He says whenever I leave the house he feels stressed and worried about what I might do when I’m out alone. He says he feels betrayed, he feels I don’t value our relationship. Apparently he keeps having dreams about me getting drunk and cheating on him. It breaks my heart when he says he can never think of me in the same way again. I haven’t been able to make him understand how I genuinely regret whatever I did and can’t imagine doing it again.

Jake has suggested I take a break, go live with my mum for a few weeks and see if we can work things out. But my mum is part of the problem. Right after my parents’ divorce she started drinking a lot, had a lot of boyfriends over to our place and wasn’t really a great parent. Let’s just stay going back there, even for a few weeks, is not an option for me. Frankly, she doesn’t want me there either.

Recently Jake has started being all friendly with a girl who he had a sexual relationship with earlier. Let’s call her Sally. Jake says she’s just a friend. But sometimes they go out together to eat at night and Jake doesn’t come back till well past midnight. That crushes me every time. I yell at him when he comes back. But the pain doesn’t go away. Even as I write this, at 12:50 AM in the night, he’s still out with Sally and isn’t replying to my messages. It’s such a horrible humiliation, but I’m stuck and don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how I should react when he comes home tonight.

I’m confused, hurt and stressed. Please help me.

-Sarah,

San Fransisco

Love in India Reader Survives Break Up and Achieves His Dreams – Interview

There are those days when you feel like nothing is going to work again. Like the world is over. Like you’ve lost everything.

I know I do.

It might just be the traffic. Or a tiff you had with your mother in the morning. An exam you failed.

Or it might be a break-up.

The end of a significant relationship is one of the most life-altering experiences one goes through in one’s life. It breaks a lot of people. Makes cynics out of the rest. But for a tiny fraction of people this painful and heartbreaking experience becomes the catalyst to a new life, new dreams and a renewed belief in their own abilities.

Subhendra is one such individual. Subhendra had had a devastating break-up some time back. I first got to know him when he wrote to me asking for help with the what he was going through. We kept in touch. A few weeks back I received a happy surprise in my Facebook inbox – Subhendra had got himself a seat in a prestigious management school – something he’d always dreamt of.

I was completely blown away. Here’s a guy who was a crushed, heartbroken mess only a few months back. And today he is an epitome of success – having achieved his dream through sheer hard work, dedication and willpower. I felt proud to have helped him. I also felt eager to share his secrets of this mind-blowing turnaround with all of you. Here are some excerpts from a recent chat I had with Subhendra.

#1. Tell us a bit about yourself.

I’m a very simple person and I like other simple people. Chatting with friends energizes me like anything. Well, I’ve got only a few. But the ones who I call friends are a true life-force to me.

I take success seriously. I want it. I do what I can to achieve it. The more successful I am, the more confident I feel. The more confident I am the more motivated I feel to do more. That’s the recipe for my success, really.

Oh and btw – did I tell you about my new girlfriend? Here she is.

Photo by victor.lavrentev

Oh yes. She’s the curviest, sexiest, most romantic and most caring thing on earth. I love the way she longs for my touch. When I’m with her, I forget everything else. J

#2. You were in a relationship. How long was it? Tell us a bit about it.

Ah yes, my relationship.

We started as friends really. And surprisingly, it was she who took the lead in turning it into something more. I gave in. I fell.

Love is every bit as crazy, euphoric, beathtakingly happy as they say, you know? I’m glad I’ve tasted it, if only for 4 short months. Oh yeah – that’s how long she stayed. Then she called it off. Just like that.

#3. Subhendra you had a shocking break up some time back. Tell us how it happened.

Needless to say I have no words to describe my feelings in the months that followed the break-up. For a long time I couldn’t believe it, really. Especially because she never offered any explanations. I begged.

Eventually I came to know that she had gotten engaged to someone else. I felt may be it was the lack of a formally spelt out commitment of marriage from my side which had broken her trust. To make up for this I confessed everything to my family and got my father to talk to her over the phone. I even invited her to my home to meet my parents (yeah I know how lucky I am). She said she was embarrassed and of course, never came.

I’m crazy I know.

#4. How did the break up affect you?

It has been more than a year since then. I used to feel very lonely. I’d force myself to date other girls, but my past would block everything and my heart would grow cold as I got to know them. I had become a bit of cynic. I felt every girl I met was pretentious and driven by ulterior motives.

I was tired of the so-called positive “pep talk” from people around me. “You can choose to be happy”, and “one day you’ll meet the love of your life” had become meaningless dry platitudes to me. There was no strength, no happiness, no stability in my mind.

#5. What all did you do to cope with your break-up?

My friends were a great support system, to a certain extent. But tell you what – no one can really know what you feel. Hence deep in my heart I was walking alone.

I’ve learnt a lot from my past. I’ve learnt about myself, others and the “real world”. I’ve learnt to focus on myself, to care for myself, to value myself. If I hadn’t started appreciating and believing in myself more, I would be nowhere near where I stand today. All in all, I daresay I’ve learnt to be a bit more selfish – it always helps. :D

Needless to say, Sulagnadi’s counselling and articles gave me some very good guidance. They helped me ground myself in reality, to see life for what it was, without any rosy or pessimistic lenses. They helped me think of life in a rational, structured way.

Also Sulagnadi, I know you don’t recommend forcing yourself to hate someone you want to forget, but that’s what worked for me. Hatred is the exact opposite of love. I mean – just like love is that magic potion which brings two people together, hatred is the one that draws them away from each other, naturally. Well, to tell you the truth she’d given me plenty of real reasons to hate her too. I found out many of the moves she’d made during the break-up (and also during the relationship) were predetermined – all part of her plan for her own life. It was bizarre. In hindsight I feel maybe she wanted a guy who was better settled (financially). She knew I was not going to take up a job within the next few years. May be that’s what put her off. At least that’s what I believe. And that has helped me deal with my own feelings. You know, I even called her once and said, “I’m glad you’re not with me anymore. Breaking up with you has taught me a lot, it has leased me a new life. I’m confident I’ll get a better partner than you one day.” ;)

#6. I’m really happy to know you’ve overcome your mental turmoil and have scored a major achievement recently – namely, cracking B-school admissions. Tell us how you feel.

I’ll never forget that moment. The one when MAT results were released, that is. 94 percentile. I almost couldn’t breathe when I saw that number against my name.

It took some time to sink in. All I could feel was, “Is this really happening?”

As of today I’m glad to know I’ve been able to create something for myself worth creating. That’s a huge confidence booster for me. This achievement tells me that I’m finally free of my past. That I’m ready for the future. The institute I’m about to join is a really great one. I’m looking forward to the start of a new life.

#7. How did you get back your zeal for life, your motivation and your desire to be happy? Most people reeling from a recent break-up struggle with these and would benefit immensely from your answer.

It was not easy, to say the least. Depression has been a constant companion to me for the last one year. Life would feel meaningless from time to time.

What helped me really … was the desire to feel better, to move on, to be happy. I wanted to find a solution. I took to reading inspirational literature. One of my Favourite books is The Secret. It helped me gradually break free of my negative attitude. It helped me hope again, and to believe in myself. I came across the concepts of Dianetics. It helped me immensely in truly believing in my own power to control my life. When you control your mind, you control pretty much everything in your life.

#8. How did you discipline yourself into doing what it took to crack the admissions? Give us some tips.

This is really ironical, you know. I have never thought of myself as a good student, and never expected to be giving out study tips. This is really amazing.

You see, I just had to prove me to myself. I had lost my strength, my confidence, my belief in myself. So I was really, really determined to give myself a new opportunity for the future. I set myself the goal of getting admission to a good institute of management studies.

After that it was the usual rigour to get the MAT score I needed. Solving previous years’ papers regularly, setting aside time for specific practice activities everyday etc. If I had to share just one principle of success with an aspiring student it would be this – manage your time well. Effective time management is the key to achieving any goal you set your mind to.

#9. Any message for Love in India readers? Especially the ones struggling with the end of a significant relationship?

A couple of things, really.

A break-up is painful. But it’s a part of life. Be aware that you’re not alone.
It’s a great opportunity to learn about life, about the real world and to change yourself for the better, if you want to.
Tough times don’t last. Tough people do. Yeah the old adage is damn true.
Your significant other is (was) a part of your life, not your life itself. Trust me – your purpose on this Earth goes much, much beyond finding happiness with him/her.

Lastly, I want to wholeheartedly thank you, Didi (Sulagna Dasgupta), for doing such awesome work for all of us. Your help means a lot to a lot of people like me. I wish Love in India becomes ever more popular. My heartfelt best wishes are always there with you.

Why “The Groom’s Side” Will Continue to Act High-Handed with You

An acquaintance of mine is now in the process of having her marriage arranged. She meets a new prospective groom every other day (and becomes ever so rich in the Hilarious Life Experience department).We were recently chitchatting about one such experience she had a few days back. She seemed really annoyed with the way the guy and his family treated her in their first (and understandably, only) meeting. Apparently they said they’d like it if she discontinued working after marriage, acted rude all along and to top it all – the guy’s mother took her to the kitchen where she had to demonstrate her cooking skills by preparing a few dishes of her choice under her probing gaze.

“But wasn’t that expected?” I wondered aloud. I’m not sure whether it was my reaction or the groom’s family’s actions which outraged her more.

“What do you mean?” She exclaimed.

“Well, you’ve chosen to have an arranged marriage. We all know that the bride/groom selection within the settings of an arranged marriage is a process which has been traditionally disparaging of women. It’s a patent fact that it is still thought of by most Indians – like this guy you unfortunately met – as the man’s privilege to pick and choose the women he’s presented with. If you wanted to be treated with the respect and equality you deserve, shouldn’t you have chosen the more natural way of getting married instead?”

“What do you mean??”

Photo by Praveen_Verma

I realized the short version of my views on this had confused her more. So I explained, this time in detail.

“Let’s start from the A, B, C, shall we? Marriage in general is understood to be a way of giving legal validity to a bond of love between two people (and when I say “love”, I’m NOT talking about crazy, head over heels infatuation but a deep, stable bond between two people built over time, and based on shared values, beliefs, personalities etc.). So marriage is understood as a consequence of two people wanting to be with each other. Here the partner is primary and marriage is secondary because the marriage is a consequence of the existence of the partner.

Only among certain specific communities (like the majority of people in the Indian subcontinent, some parts of middle East, some parts of China, a few thousand followers of the Unification Church in the US & Europe etc.) it is thought of as the exact opposite of that – a lifelong contract between two people based on various factors, which may or may not culminate in love (again, by love I don’t mean an emotional state but a bond based on compatibility). Here the marriage itself is primary. The partner is secondary, and hence easily replaceable.

What happens when you’re easily replaceable?

Let’s take an example. Let’s say someone hires you for your unique qualities. They’ve got a job which you – and only you in this world – can perform. What salary would you ask for? As much as you want, right? Because no matter how much you ask for, the employer has to hire you because no one in this whole world can perform your job. In this case your replaceability is zero – you’re irreplaceable. (Think of superstars. They’re paid so highly because they’re unique – completely irreplaceable. Amitabh Bachchan doesn’t get paid for doing his job – acting or whatever. He gets paid for being him.)

On the other hand if you go to someone and offer to wash their floor, what salary would you ask for? Not very high, right? In this case you don’t get to name a price you’d like because yours is a relatively low-skilled job. Hence you’re easily replaceable. The employer is looking for enough skills to get his floor washed; he’s not looking for you specifically. If you don’t want to work for the price the employer is ready to pay you, someone else will.

Hence, the more replaceable you are, the less is your bargaining power.

Coming back to the marriage scene in the Indian context – marriage has been traditionally considered the ultimate achievement of a woman’s life, but not so for men. Even though in a sufficiently large pool of single people (as large as the population of a country/state/city) there would always be roughly equal no. of men and women, for cultural reasons the perceived risk of not being married is much, much higher for an Indian woman than it is for an Indian man. Hence the woman (and/or her family) becomes the “weaker side”, so to speak, in the Indian arranged marriage market. (Think of the earlier employer-employee example. Theoretically speaking both of them need each other equally. But practically, it’s an employers’ market.)

Photo by VishalSinghx

Because of the partner being easily replaceable to followers of the second school of thought on marriage, the bargaining power of the weaker side goes drastically down in case of marriages among these people. As a natural consequence, the stronger side gets to call the shots. This can lead to all sorts of consequences like the stronger side taking an obvious upper hand, treating the weaker side disrespectfully (like in your case), expecting the weaker side to compensate financially in return for the “favour” they’re doing them. (“Since you’re easily replaceable, if you don’t pay someone else will.” That’s what’s called dowry. ;) )

Compare that with a natural process of marriage – “Love marriage”, as it is called in India. Someone wants to marry you because they love you. Hence you’re unique – they want to marry you, not just anybody. You’re irreplaceable to each other. Hence both of you are on equal footing. None is in a position to take an obvious upper-hand.

Anyone is free to choose either of the two interpretations of marriage for themselves. In a patriarchal society like India, in the context of arranged marriage, the various unkind gestures of the guy’s side which you’ve described are all very logical, easily deductible, natural consequences of following the second process of marriage. Particular families can of course be kind and gentle people who choose not to use the privilege which is logically theirs. But in general it’s surprising that these acts can come across as surprising to people who’ve willingly chosen to follow this process of marriage.

That’s all I meant. :) ”

Well let’s not go into what happened next. Let’s just say … she was a very nice person. ;)

What about you? Irate? Angry? Hurt? Happy? Vindicated? Completely confused and decided never to come back?

Whatever is your reaction, I want to know it. Do pour in the comments. Let’s find out the truth. If it exists. :P

On Sex Before Marriage (Again) – Part 1

Yeah. Again, after Q&A. My Wife Has Had Sex Before Marriage!

Because sex is serious business.

Especially if it happens in India.

Especially if a woman is involved. ;)

And totally, if the woman is not married to the man.

Well we all (should) know these petty facts, but I felt the need to repeat them here as I was reminded of these once again (quite forcefully), after I wrote that piece.

As you can see, there are 46 comments on that piece up till now (thanks so much guys for taking out the time to share your views :)). Let’s just say not all of those friendly commenters did me the favour because they wanted to convey their unqualified support of my views (the piece contained none, but more about that later).

Photo by Sephiroty Fiesta

These comments let me see how strongly the youth of this country feels about sex before marriage. That was quite an eye-opener. So much heated discussion started around this that I thought it’s time I gave it a little more prominence. In the form of actual posts, to be precise. So starting today I’d post my responses to some very interesting comments and questions about sex before marriage from time to time.

I’ll start with one of the very commonly raised questions:

It’s the girl’s fault to have not disclosed the facts about her past affair before marriage. Why are you silent on that?

“It’s the girl’s fault to have not disclosed the facts about her past affair before marriage.” Theoretically speaking you’re right. But knowing the practical reality of India, I think we need to go a bit deeper here before coming to a conclusion. If a prospective groom doesn’t enquire specifically about a girl’s virginity – and I’m sure you’d agree – the girl would hardly have any reason to take the initiative to convey this info to the guy. So in this case unless the guy had asked this question specifically, she had no way of knowing how particular he was about this issue.

You’re right, telling the truth is undoubtedly the right thing to do under all circumstances. But I believe if you expect anyone to tell you the truth about anything, you should provide them a safe environment for it (unless we’re talking about illegitimate activities, or activities which violate others’ rights etc.). If a person knows they might be compromising their own safety, security, mental peace etc. by telling the truth, is it really fair to hold them fully accountable for not telling the truth? (Don’t get so angry just as yet. Read on. :D)

Think of it from the girl’s perspective. With the vilification of premarital sex in the Indian society, would it have been safe for her to tell a prospective groom about her past? What if the guy announces it to her family and walks away from the relationship? What kind of consequences do you think the girl can expect, from her own family and the society? How easy do you think it would be for her family to get a guy for her subsequently?

Photo by The People Speak!

Given the realities of our society, if a guy is too particular about his wife’s virginity pre-marriage, the onus lies on him to find out the truth without hurting the girl’s dignity. Here’s a suggestion for how you can go about it.

At a very initial stage, find a way to have a discussion with the girl alone. Tell her, “Marriage is a life-altering decision. I believe we should have a clear understanding with each other before such a decision is made. I’m sure you understand the gravity of the mistake that we would be committing if we take such an important decision on the basis of incomplete information. Given this context, I want you to know that there are certain things which are unacceptable to me when it comes to my future wife. I respect your privacy, hence I won’t ask you any questions about these aspects. I’ll just tell you what these factors are and request you to cancel the marriage from your side (telling you don’t like me) if any of this applies to you. The list goes:

1. She should not smoke/drink…
2. She should not be a non-vegetarian…
3. She should be a virgin at the time of marriage… ”

The list here is just an example (I’m by no means supporting or opposing the values espoused here). The point here is, you need to provide her a list instead of a single criterion like virginity, so that her privacy is protected. If she cancels the marriage you’d know she ticks one of your “strictly prohibited” boxes, without knowing which one.

I’m sure you understand, as one of the several prospective grooms the girl would meet in the process of her arranged marriage, you have no right to ask for private information like whether she’s a virgin. (If you don’t become her husband, you’re just another guy on the street, remember?) However, you have a right to cancel the marriage if she doesn’t satisfy your criteria (which, in this case, includes virginity). The only way to protect both her rights and yours is through mature and respectful dialogue, as suggested here.

What do you think guys? Bring on your views. I’m waiting. :)

iMarriages: Compatibility through Arranged Marriages?

I don’t quite support arranged marriages.

There. I said it.

I feel the matching process followed in case of modern day Indian arranged marriages is extremely superficial. For example castes, income and food habits are matched very carefully, but personality types, interests, bents of mind etc. are usually completely disregarded. (No, five meetings before marriage don’t help you know anyone.) This approach is very likely to lead to wrong matches and ruin lives, as the rising divorce rates would tell you.

But reality cannot be wished away. And an inevitable arranged marriage is the reality of 80%+ young Indians even today. Within that context, is there a way for them to find a partner who’s not only a “good match” but also actually compatible?

I searched and searched until I found something interesting – iMarriages. The first thing that drew me to this portal was its one-of-a-kind name. Simple, yet powerful in its emphasis on “I” – the symbol of individuality. I instantly felt that this was something different, something new, something unique. I decided to check it out.

If there ever existed such a thing as a matrimony portal with a heart, iMarriages is it. For starters, it assumes you’re human (as opposed to goods to be exchanged :D). It assumes you have a head and a heart. And it also recognizes the fact that spending your life with someone is not only about compatible income levels and family backgrounds, but much more importantly about compatible mindsets.

Yes, that’s right. iMarriages is a matrimonial service that finds you matches based on your personality. It takes you through a rigorous personality assessment questionnaire which helps you determine your own personality type. Subsequently when you search for profiles the system calls out which of the potential partners have personality types matching yours!

You work for money. But your hobbies are activities you choose to pursue simply because they give you pleasure. Hence your hobbies and interests provide a window into the kind of person you are. iMarriages knows that. Hence this portal has half a page of your profile dedicated to your hobbies.

iMarriages takes your individuality seriously. It lets you search profiles based on a very detailed criteria list.

iMarriages - Matrimonial service with a heart

“What’s so new about that?” You might wonder. Well it’s the simple fact that iMarriages also lets you block messages from users who do not match your set criteria – a feature that’s unique among all Indian matrimonial service-providers.

If that was not enough to set it apart from all other Indian matrimony portals, iMarriages even offers you free relationship advice and fun marriage games. You see, I already told you – unlike most other Indian matrimonial service-providers, to iMarriages you’re a thinking, feeling, fun individual. :D

Other Indian Matrimony Portals

iMarriages

Be it the delectable dessert at the end of a sumptuous meal or the nerve-racking climax at the end of a gripping thriller – the best bit of always comes at its end. And here it is for you – iMarriages is completely free. That’s right iMarriages is India’s only prominent marriage portal that’s completely free to use. And yes that includes contacting potential mates and even online chat.

By the time I finished browsing through the portal I was certain – on iMarriages, you can eat the cake of arranged marriage and have it too. iMarriages is not a matrimonial portal, it’s almost a dating cum matrimonial portal. And that makes it fun, lively and yet practical – just what you need for your quest for that special someone.

Disclaimer: This is a sponsored post.

From Poland, With Love (Part 2)

Daniela,

First of all, DO NOT waste money on coming to Bangalore. DO NOT. This is NOT a moment for taking impulsive decisions. These are challenging times for you, and whatever is the ultimate outcome, if you want to handle this situation the best way, you need to think with a very clear head. Feel your emotions – you have to. That’s what they’re meant for. But don’t let them influence your decisions in any way. You have to promise yourself that.

Let me tell you a story. In India, every week a few couples across the country commit suicide realizing they can’t marry each other due to parental/societal pressure. We all read about them in newspapers. Not one of us has ever come across an incidence of a parent committing suicide because their child won’t marry as per their wishes. So you can rest assured, Karthik’s mother will not commit suicide over you. All this rhetoric about suicide is nothing but emotional blackmail – a very dirty but very common technique used by Indian parents to force their children into giving up their freedom. Karthik probably knows that already. In fact, I’m sorry to sound pessimistic Daniela, but there’s a chance that the incident about his mother wounding herself etc. might not be entirely true. It may be exaggerated.

Photo by romaaaaaa

Having said that, I have to tell you Daniela, I’m sorry but Karthik is a closed chapter of your life. Your relationship has every sign of being on its way to an end. Give up on him Daniela, I’m sorry but realistically speaking, there really isn’t a chance for things to work out.

Karthik sounds like a heart-broken man. He’s tired of fighting against his reality. His reality consists of an extremely conservative society and family which would never accept individual freedom. He just feels powerless against so many obstacles – financial situation, the challenges of finding a job in a foreign country, parental psychological torture, societal expectations, his sense of responsibility towards his family … the list is just endless. His strength is waning. He’s wondering whether it’s worth all the fighting.

Most single Indian men are sex-starved. Very few Indian women would agree to have sex with someone before marriage, even if he’s her boyfriend. Western women are more likely to be OK with it. Hence many Indian men try to seduce Western women just for the sake of sleeping with them.

But let me tell you – Karthik is NOT one of them. If it’s any consolation, Karthik really, honestly loved you and cared for you (he probably still does). I’m confident because, #1. your relationship was almost entirely long distance, you were never in any position to have much sex with each other. #2. He’s tried talking to his parents about marrying you, which shows he really was serious. So you can at least rest assured that you’ve not been duped or taken advantage of. It has been so far a genuine, honest relationship based on love and caring.

You’re an honest & caring person with a very precious heart. Whatever you do, NEVER fall into the trap of blaming yourself for any of what happened. You’re NOT at fault. There are only two CIRCUMSTANTIAL forces at play here – #1. You’re in far-off countries #2. The conservative culture of India. That’s all. It’s neither your fault, nor his.

You need to stay strong Daniela. Check this: How to Forget Someone You Love: 7 Rules, and this: How to Enjoy Life when You’re Alone.

Photo by anyasmiff

You need every ounce of strength, confidence and self-worth you can summon. Like I said, you’re a wonderful person (as is evident from your story) and if you focus on yourself, you’re certain to create happiness in your life. Happiness may not always come from the sources you thought it would come from. But you need to commit to your own happiness Dan. You need to promise yourself to make yourself happy.

A boyfriend has left? It’s OK. Shift your focus to your career. Give it your 100%. Be emotionally invested in it.

Your career doesn’t give you the satisfaction you want? OK. Shift your focus to that long-forgotten hobby you always wanted to pursue.

You see, life is too short to focus on anything but happiness. Don’t fix your attention on a particular aspect of your life (your crumbling relationship, for example). Fix it on what gives you happiness. If your relationship gives you happiness, great. Focus on that. If not, shift your focus to something that does.

All the best Daniela. I pray for you. May you find all the strength and happiness that you deserve.

-Sulagna

From Poland, With Love (Part 1)

I always believed there’ll be just one guy in my life. Just The Perfect One who I’d fall in love and spend my life with. When I met Karthik on an online dating site 6 years back, I had no doubts that he was that guy. Like all romantic stories, ours started with a juvenile infatuation. But gradually we came to a point where we couldn’t live without video-chatting with each other every day. Like all couples we had fights, we had misunderstandings and “break-ups”. But every time we “broke up” we realized anew that it was impossible for us to live without each other and we’d patch up again.

There was just one glitch. Karthik is from Bangalore, India and I’m from Bobowa, Poland.

We didn’t meet face to face until 2008, when he came to Germany on a project. It was pure bliss. Meeting each other after being in love over the long distance for such a long time made us realize that it was all real. That we actually had the passion for each other that we always thought we had. That our love was of the purest, truest and deepest kind.

Photo by Graphiweb

We knew there would be serious resistance to our relationship from his parents’. But we decided we’ll find a way.

In 2009 he had an accident which had him bed-ridden for 6 months. It was at this point that the first signs of real trouble arose. He started lying to me and we started moving away from each other. For example, he gained back his ability to walk within 6 months of the accident (as I later discovered) but at the time for 1.5 years he’d told me that he was not able to walk. I think he just wanted to postpone coming to a decision about me. He wanted me, yet he didn’t know how to be with me.

Cut to 2013. He came to Netherlands for another project and we met for a second time. I felt he’d finally realized that we’d meant for each other and seemed really happy with the prospect of staying with me forever. We realized we still had the same passion, same love, same affection for each other even though 6 years had passed by. Finally – yes, after 6 long years of knowing each other – we had sex. It was the first time for both of us. (Yes, the fact that I’m European doesn’t mean I have to have slept with twenty guys.)

We shopped together, travelled together and did household chores together. Everything seemed perfect. “I’d be crazy to throw so much happiness away. I want to be with you and I’ll find a way,” he said.

But then he went back to India.

As I should probably have known – things weren’t quite the same anymore. I felt he was starting to avoid me once again. I can’t tell you how, but I knew something was wrong. I didn’t know what to do. So I decided to give ourselves a break for a week. I stopped contacting him. He mailed me saying, “Does your silence mean you want to break up? If yes tell me, so that I can take a decision on what to do next. My parents, like always, are pressurizing me to have an arranged marriage here.”

I was crazy with anger and pain. I told him to go ahead and marry whoever he wanted.

He broke down. “I’ve never wanted anyone but you Daniela. It’s just that my eldest cousin is getting married. So the pressure on my parents to have me married off is that much more now. Please Dan, find a way for me to get a job there.”

I was already researching potential employers for him here in Poland. I threw all my strength behind that project now.

My efforts finally paid off. I could hardly breathe as I spoke into the phone, “Karthik I’ve found a great opportunity for you at XYZ. A friend of a friend works there. They’re interested in your profile and would like to talk to you!”

What happened next would probably remain the most shocking experience of my life.

“I can never thank you enough for all the selfless effort you’ve put in Dan. But I’m afraid we’ll have to take things a bit slow now. I have too many things to sort out at the moment. I need some time to take the decisions that are best for all of us.”

“All of us? You mean… your parents? Karthik I don’t understand anything.” I was shaking with anger, pain, panic, confusion … I don’t know what else.

I don’t remember much of the words we exchanged over the next few minutes. I just remember telling him again and again that we were each other’s first love. I felt it was impossible for either of us to forget the other over our lifetimes. He apologized and told me he’d let me know his decision.

Photo by gjhdrenth

I don’t know how I managed to hobble through the next few days, until an email arrived.

“I’ve thought about it a lot. I’m sorry Dan, I don’t think we can be together in this life. I’m helping my parents repay a housing loan they’ve taken for a new house. It’ll take 4 more years for the repayments to finish. it’d be a long time before I can even think of moving out of Bangalore. You’re entitled to a husband, children and a happy life. I can’t keep you waiting forever, especially given that you’re not getting any younger. I guess we’re just not destined to be together, and we’ll have to accept it. But I miss you a lot Dan. You’ll always have a special place in my heart. You’ll always be my best friend.”

It was yet another shock to me. I just couldn’t accept it. I kept pleading with him to rethink. In the meantime his sister found out about us from his computer and told his parents. His mother promptly started threatening suicide if he doesn’t cut off all contacts with me immediately. She apparently even took up a knife and attempted to cut herself in front of the rest of the family.

I don’t know what’s going on. I’m thinking of going to Bangalore and make him and his family understand how deeply I love him. If required I’m ready to stay back in Bangalore with him for the rest of my life.

Please guide me Sulagna.

-Daniela,

Bobowa, Poland