Month: October 2013

Q&A. My Boyfriend is Obsessed with My Past Sexual Partners

Q. Sulagna, I am facing serious problems in my relationship now which are affecting the relationship and also both of us.

A few details on our background:
My boyfriend is also my colleague. He is a Tamil Hindu living with his parents.
I am a catholic from Mangalore, Karnataka. His is a very traditional and orthodox family while mine’s quite liberal.

Our relationship has now become a torture for me.

It is almost a year that we’ve been together. I was in a relationship before him which was more of a Friends with Benefits type. After 4-5 months of being together he found out about my past relationship from colleagues and started making enquiries about it. I realized it’s better to put all the truth on the table now rather than a few years later, which might cause disaster. So I told him the truth, minus the details. That’s when it started.

Past Sexual PartnersPhoto by Geórgia –

For me it was pure shock. I watched as my partner metamorphosed into the kind of typical backward-looking misogynist Indian male I don’t want to be with. Every single day he would remember some bit of my past history and ask for minute details, then abuse me if I refused to answer and abuse me if I did. Once he even caught hold of my neck in a moment of frenzy.

He never trusts me. He wants to dictate every aspect of my life from what I can wear to who I’m allowed to talk to. And to top it all – he makes me swear all of these things on some family member.

But – and this is the embarrassing part – I can’t think of him as just another petty misogynistic abuser. He’s a wonderful person inside. Every time he misbehaves he comes back to me and begs for forgiveness with tears in his eyes.

Here’s the thing Sulagna. We love each other. For real. But my past is something he’s not able to cope with (the fact that I’m the first real sexual encounter of his life makes things that much more touchy). But I can tell you this much – I’ve never really loved anyone before.

I want to be happy again. Tell me what I should do.

-Meredith,

Mumbai

A. One of the golden rules of a happy relationship is: NEVER try to change who you are for someone you love. No matter how much you love someone, you can never live your life under a forced disguise. It will eventually get to you and cause stress in your relationship, if not an eventual breakdown.

Your boyfriend has a very high need for control in a relationship. This approach might have worked with someone else (or in some other era), but given the person you are – this is going to cause disaster because you’re not going to be able to take it lying down forever.

Now since you haven’t left him already I assume that in spite of his interference in your independence and other unwarranted actions, you care for him and want to work through this. So that’s what I’m going to help you do.

The first step to bringing a problematic relationship back on track is to start drawing boundaries. 

What are boundaries?

A relationship is a mutual agreement between two people. Boundaries are terms on which this agreement is based. These are rules which both partners are to follow if they want to stay in the relationship.

How do you come up with these rules?

For that, you need to have a calm, mature discussion with your boyfriend. The objective of this discussion is to come to an agreement on the rules. Remember it’s you who’d be initiating the discussion. Hence you cannot afford to lose your cool, even if your boyfriend does. The key to creating balance in your relationship is to set its terms in the most calm and mature manner. Your boyfriend should realize that this is NOT a blame game but an honest attempt on your part to make the relationship work.

Past Sexual PartnersPhoto by leannaphotographs

So where do you start?

Enumerate clearly which specific behaviours of him hurt you. For example, you can tell him something like, “It hurts me if you 1. Tell me what to wear 2. Make me swear over simple things 3. Ask for details from my past.
These actions and behaviours of yours are causing me intense pain and stress. I know you care for me and you don’t want to hurt me. Hence I’m sure you wouldn’t want to continue these behaviours, now that you know how painful they are for me. So let us please agree on which behaviours you’re going to stop or modify so that our relationship can become happy and deeply fulfilling, like it was. Also, I’m more than willing to listen to and act on anything about me that’s bothering you. Let’s please talk about it.” 
This way you serve two purposes:

1. Lay down clear conditions of what is acceptable to you and what is not. Your mature and calm tone should convey your firmness to him.

2. Open him up for sharing his feelings with you. Through such dialogues, you convey to him that you’re that you’re willing to help him get over whatever is bothering him.  
 
Sex before marriage is an explosive issue in India, with emotions running feverishly high around it (just check the comments section here and you’ll know: Q&A.My wife had sex before marriage! :D) Hence, if your boyfriend is one of those guys who’re really particular about their wives’ virginity, you might have to reconsider your relationship. But before that, give yourselves a chance. If there’s true commitment, it’s possible that your boyfriend would change his views in order to accept you.

All the best. 

It was Me

I was there behind the glowing sun.

Wrapped in secret winds,

The unborn future of a dormant seed.

Veiled by vibrant butterfly wings

Perhaps it was me.

Perhaps it was me in the skies

When the clouds swam by.  

In boundless deserts,

My thirst buried in sand –

You never knew.

I was the name of the nameless text,

The untold desire of your desolate heart.

The slave legions in the Emperor’s kingdom – there I was.

You never knew.

I was the fragrance of wild blossoms.

I was captive

In a riot of grass and dewdrops.

You never felt – I was there in the essence of cryptic verses.

You never felt – I was there in the said and the unsaid. 

It was me

This is a loose translation of a Bengali poem “Ami Chhilam”, by Abhijit Debnath, originally published on the Prothom Alo Blog. Translated and published here with permission.

How to Deal with Mother-in-law: 9 Steps

Oh yes. That eternally perplexing question of married Indian women, “How to deal with mother-in-law?”

Before we dive into this explosive topic, here are a few disclaimers. ;)

Disclaimer 1: This is not about all mothers-in-law. Only the kind which made you google “How to deal with mother-in-law”. :D

Disclaimer 2: If you’re a guy, this is not about your mother but the mothers of all those other married men you know. :P You can skip today’s post – and refer your wife/girlfriend to it instead. ;)

How to deal with mother-in-law – Rule 1. Familiarize

The first and most important step you can take to improve your relationship with your mother-in-law is to spend ample time with her before marriage, both in the presence and absence of your fiancé. I’d recommend you start interacting regularly with her at least a year prior to your marriage. Go shopping with her, watch a movie with her or accompany your boyfriend’s family on a holiday at home/day trip. This will ensure the two of you get to know each other in a relaxed, no-pressure environment and set expectations accordingly.

How to deal with mother-in-law – Rule 2. Detach yourself

Irrespective of how much you like or don’t like your mother-in-law, you may not always be in a position to choose how much you interact with her. In such a situation you need to deal with your mother-in-law in a way that’s healthy to both of you. And the first step to that is to detach yourself emotionally.

  • Do not try to look upon her as your “other mother”. That perspective is guaranteed to lead to shock & disappointment. Not necessarily because of any fault of hers, but because our parents are our parents. Expecting an in-law to be “like them” is unfair to the in-law.
  • Let go of unrealistic expectations from her. There would be aspects of her you won’t like. Do not expect her to change.
  • Look upon her as an acquaintance, a bit like a professional contact – someone you do not need to like as a person but still need to treat with respect.

How to deal with mother-in-lawPhoto by Daljeet Mayn

How to deal with mother-in-law – Rule 3. Boundaries

Define clear boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not, both for her and yourself (if required, also for your husband). Once you’ve committed to certain boundaries, it’s your utmost responsibility to honour your side of them.

Do not discuss these boundaries directly with her – coming from an earlier generation she might misunderstand. Agree on them with your spouse instead.

Boundaries should be objective and specific. For example, “I guarantee I’ll treat her with respect at all times, irrespective of her own behaviour. In return I must have the guarantee that she’d not stay with us for more than xyz days/weeks per year/month.” Note the level of objectivity in the condition. Do not accept a boundary condition from her side that is open to interpretation, e.g. “She should treat me with respect.” 

How to deal with mother-in-law – Rule 4. Show respect

You don’t need to like her as a person but keep your judgements to yourself. By virtue of your relationship, she deserves respectful treatment from you, just as you deserve respectful treatment from her. Maintain your distance but treat her with respect, even if she does not return the favour. Sounds like a typical Indian male chauvinist from the 19th century speaking? :D Read on to find out why.

How to deal with mother-in-law – Rule 5. Safety first

I suggest you refrain from showing anything but respect to her not because I believe that’s the “right” thing to do irrespective of circumstances, but because I want you to steer clear of the consequences of doing otherwise. For example if her verbal remarks hurt you and you retort, she’s likely to talk to your husband about it. When she does, you’ll have no ways to prove that you were “provoked”.  It will become a subjective battle of your words against hers and no one ever wins those. So the key is to not give her any opportunity whatsoever of badmouthing you to your husband.

How to deal with mother-in-lawPhoto by abhishek_815

How to deal with mother-in-law – Rule 6. Don’t be a punch-bag

Does this mean you should become meek and accept everything your mother-in-law does? No. A funny thing about human emotions is that, when people attack others they expect response, and feel powerless if there’s none. If you feel your mother-in-law is deliberately trying to disturb you, your strongest defence is a complete refusal to respond.

This does not mean you patiently tolerate everything she says or does without protest. That will give her the impression that you accept her position of superiority. If she says/does anything so provocative that you feel unable to control yourself, excuse yourself (tell her you’re suddenly feeling unwell or something) and leave the room.

How to deal with mother-in-law – Rule 7. Assert yourself

Even if you don’t protest against her not-so-friendly actions, your mere refusal to be a punch-bag might come across as an insult to her. In case she discusses this with your husband and you find yourself facing accusations from him, you need to assert yourself. Tell him these exact words: “It’s not within my rights to treat others with disrespect in my interactions with them. But it is within my rights to decide who I interact with and how much, right? I left the room because certain things she said made me feel bad, and I didn’t want to hurt her by protesting. You’re not telling me that part of my responsibility is to willingly let her hurt me, are you?” No self-respecting man worth his salt would say a “yes” to this. (If he does, you’ve married the wrong man. Flash him your most charming smile and say “Goodbye.” :D)

How to deal with mother-in-law – Rule 8. Don’t try “ideal”

Does your mother-in-law unwittingly set unrealistic standards for you? Do her criticisms make you feel like you can never be “good enough”? For example, are you made to feel like you’re never doing “enough” of the household chores, or “adjusting” enough, or showing her enough respect? If you let yourself be affected by others’ perceptions of you, you might be eroding away your self-esteem dangerously. She’s entitled to her views. But you’re extraordinary the way you are, and how you compare with her idea of the “ideal daughter-in-law” is in no way a measure of your worth as a human being. So do not try to change yourself to earn her (or anyone else’s) approval. Go back to point #3 and let go of the rest.

How to deal with mother-in-law – Rule 9. Distance yourself

If possible, don’t live with your parents-in-law. They can be the nicest people ever but everyone needs personal space. Sharing yours with someone who’s not immediate family/partner but holds a purported position of authority is almost certain to create some degree of stress, even if it is not verbalized. If anecdotal evidence is anything to go by, moving out of the family home almost always leads to an improvement in the relationship between a woman and her in-laws.

How do you deal with your mother-in-law? Are you one of those lucky daughters-in-law with a nice and friendly mother-in-law? Do let us know by leaving a comment. 

30 Life Lessons No Self-Help Book will Teach You

After a long, ill-advised absence from the cyber-space, I’m back with a deluge of life-changing advice for the gullible.

Do “life lessons” change lives?

Not unless you’re gullible enough to believe them wholeheartedly. (Hint: The best thing to do with the next 30 bullet points is to not believe them, ’cause if you do, they might change the way you look at life!)  

With that disclaimer, here goes:

  1. Life is not fair. (Yeah that’s #1.)
  2. You can’t change others. Stop trying.
  3. Nothing is permanent. Neither good times, nor bad.
  4. Not everything is under your control. Do your best with the ones that are, and let go of the rest.
  5. There is such a thing as sheer luck, and no – you don’t necessarily have more of it by working harder.
  6. Your “ideal” partner doesn’t exist. Find someone who absolutely, perfectly fits the “must have” bill and tear up the “nice to have” one. 
  7. His/her looks matter zilch in the long run. Not “very little”. Zilch.
  8. Some days are just bad days. Let them pass.
  9. Take a lot, a lot of time to trust.

    10. Life lessonsPhoto by handywallsii

  10. Hard work is necessary, but not sufficient for success.
  11. The only way to get started is to get started.
  12. You’ll never make as much money as you’d like to make. Shift your focus from “money” to “happiness”.
  13. In the long run marriage gives you companionship. If you’re expecting anything more, don’t marry.
  14. Stable relationships are boring most of the time sometimes. It doesn’t mean love has died.
  15.  In any situation, respond. Don’t react.
  16. You don’t have to love your job. Most claim to, but few actually do.
  17. Feel your emotions. But don’t be controlled by them.
  18. Your career is less important than you think. Develop other aspects of your life before it’s too late.
  19. Murphy’s Law usually holds true. Prepare accordingly.
  20. Sometimes the best way of winning someone back is to let them go.
  21. Sometimes there is no way of winning someone back. Accept it.

    22. Life lessonsPhoto by WayneWho?

  22. Being open to new ideas isn’t always a good thing. Know your core values.
  23. “Everything” is NOT possible. Accept it.
  24. A failure isn’t always a new beginning, a learning opportunity or “the best thing that could’ve happened to you”. Sometimes it’s a big, hairy, real failure with nothing but negative implications for your life. In such cases, acceptance itself is an achievement.
  25. Sometimes the glass is completely empty. It’s called life. You don’t always have to hallucinate. :D  
  26. There are exceptions, but in general good things happen to bad people. Get over it.
  27. Don’t always feel guilty about not being productive. Sometimes, live.
  28. You do have a split second before you let yourself fall in love. Use it.
  29. Happiness is the only goal you’re certain to achieve if you chase it. Everything else is uncertain.
  30. Never measure yourself with others’ yardstick. The only real failure is failure to find true happiness in life. 

What do you think? Let me know. :)