A few days ago I was chatting with a (guy) friend of mine when he ruefully mentioned his mundane (non-existent) love-life. There are many girls he knows and likes but he hasn’t been able to muster the courage to actually “propose” them, i.e. go up to them and tell them how he feels. Let down by himself, he’s finally checking out the matchmaking sites, in search of a match for an arranged marriage.
Photo by Megyarsh Shyness can be a real hindrance when it comes to dating and kick-starting your love-life. What can be a greater regret than liking someone for a long time, then seeing them taken away just because you could never voice your feelings? No, you don’t want that.
What is shyness?
Dr. Bernardo J. Carducci of the Shyness Research Institute (yes it exists) sees shyness as a sum of three components:
1.Excessive Self-Consciousness
– You’re conscious of what you’re doing, what you’re saying, how you’re behaving and especially what people are making of you, particularly when around people.
2.Excessive Negative Self-Evaluation
–You have a negative view of yourself.
3.Excessive Negative Self-Preoccupation
– You’re too hard on yourself. Of all the things that you do, the ones which you’re doing wrong catch your attention immediately, but the ones you’re doing right don’t. Especially when you’re around people.
Handling self-consciousness
Where does self-consciousness come from? The first advice you’ll get when you ask anyone (including Google) about overcoming self-consciousness is that, “You’re far less important than you think you are,” or “People really don’t have so much time to think about you.” When I was in college, I came to know, through a friend, that some guys (guys, not girls) were making fun of me among themselves saying, “Why on earth does she wear strap shoes when she’s wearing a skirt?” Yeah right-I was thinking all along that they were giving me even more attention than this. The moral of this story is that no, you don’t have to believe that “you’re not so important” bu*****t. People enjoy talking about (and criticizing) others. Often more, not less, than you think. (Where did the word ‘gossip’ come from??)
BUT, not everyone is gossiping about the same person all the time. While you’ll be shocked at the levels of attention some people have paid you (the skirt-shoe thing) at some point of time, you’ll be equally surprised (pleasantly) to know how soon they forgot about you and moved on to dissect some other hopeless victim’s life. So learn to believe that you’re getting just about 50% of the attention you think you’re getting, at an aggregate level.
Negative self-evaluation
The first and foremost reason for people feeling shy around the opposite sex (particularly men feeling shy around women) is fear of rejection. Why is the possibility of rejection becoming so enormous in your mind? Because you often judge yourself negatively. You’re imagining you don’t have enough positive in you to offer to your love interest, and so the probability of rejection is higher.
Photo by Meddygarnet Wake up!! We all have talents and shortcomings, including those gossipmongers who’re looking at you and judging you. The way to break free of overly negative self-images is treating social interactions like math-something that has to be practiced on a regular basis. Make it a point to initiate conversation with at least 1 person-preferably someone new-every day. Think of it as purely an exercise, with zero emotional involvement from your side in the conversation. Many a times the people you approach will not pay you any attention (yes for some mysterious reason people often forget that being nice is FREE). But equally often they will. Through this process you’ll realize you’re just another normal person-who’s not disliked in general more than any other person. And so the chances of rejection from your dream girl (or prince) are not abnormally high as you imagine. To reduce those chances even further approach her at the right moment.
Negative self-preoccupation
Keep a journal with you. List all the things you’ve done right in a day. If you want you can also make a parallel list of the things you’ve done wrong, but I don’t think you need to (since picking your own faults is something you’re good at anyway). Once again you’ll realize you’re doing about as much percentage of all the things right as is the normal average person. And what’s more, you’ll realize you were not only noticing every wrong, but looking at them with a magnifying glass.
Make small promises to yourself everyday and keep them-like talking to a new person everyday, which I just mentioned. When you’ll realize that you’re able to keep these promises you’ll feel much more capable and confident. Approaching your crush will become that much easier.
Any other strategy you used to overcome your shyness around the opposite sex? Let us know through the comment thingy.
bah good write….I’ll surely use your tips :P
Improvement guaranteed. ;)
Thanks for commenting Kanad. :)
Hi iam in +1 I love a girl she is in my tuition she always see me.I want to purpose her but after tution she use to quickly go to home with her driver.what can I do?
…….Maybe that is the reason the bad boys get all the girls ;) they are the opposite of shy :D
It’s a question of degree. “modest” (good guys) is cool, “shy” (good shy guys) is not, “overconfidence”, “flamboyance” and “airs” (bad guys) aren’t either.
Thanks for commenting Rohan. :)
Hm…Things are easily said than done.. Anyways, one thing that we know for sure will work is socializing. The more you do it, the more easily you take things upon you. And do you really think that there is a right moment?? The more you think about it, the more you are going to postpone it… Do it when you feel like doing it..Get ready to get rejected…Atleast you are getting rejected for being yourselves..Get used to it.. You know..its not that big a deal..after all you aren’t as important as you think you are…
Surely “doing” is much much more difficult than “doing”. That’s why it takes commitment to achieve anything real-social or professional.
By “the right moment”, I meant not before you start reading certain signs, which are explained here: The ideal time to propose a girl.
You’ve mentioned a crucial aspect of the whole process of proposing to a girl: getting used to rejection. If you can master that surely you’ll overcome all nerves related to it.
Thanks for commenting Dileep.
Yeah, shyness is a factor that one needs to overcome while asking a girl out. What about other tips? Is this the only factor?
BTW, I think this is a unique concept for a blog that you have and will go a long way. :)
I wrote about some of the other factors here:
What are the other factors according to you?
Thank you Adhokshaj for your comment and appreciation. :)
Aw, this was a truly nice post. In concept I wish to put in writing like this moreover – taking time and actual effort to make an outstanding article… nevertheless what can I say… I procrastinate alot and not at all appear to get something done.
I agree…thnx a lot for the practical suggestions…I think they’ll go a long way in helping me overcome my shyness. :)
Hi sulagna dheedhi ,
Actually my problem is that i am in love with a girl who had studied with me in my plus two time..(but i didnt proposed her )..ie, 6 year before , now i have completed my engineering..and still i cant forget her , and am a little shy or what can say , fear to tell her i love you to that girl..last i have seen her 2years before..but i have called her through phone several times and message her daily…..but she doesnt reply, she said that she had no message offer….. she is not that much talkative…whenever i take phone to call and propose her i usually cut the call becoz of shy or fear…
sulagna dheedhi …please please help me to propose that girl wisely..becoz i love her very much …
yours faithfully,
jose
Can u suggest me some tips for making my crush fall in love with me…..
The problem is she doesnt like LOVE like thing
First try this out: How to Impress a Girl Into Liking You – a quick list of common mistakes to avoid, if you want to impress a girl. Do let me know your further queries.
MY crush knows that i love her but she said me that we will be friends bcoz she doesnt like LOVE like thing and the other thing is that she prefers her family first…… But according to her i am only the boy who is a very good friend of her…
so can u provide me some tips to convince her to love me..
Is there any other ways to contact YOU…..
Hi sir…i desperately need ur help!
I luv a grl sincerly nd nd anything..!
I wanna say ma luv to hr!
Here in ma case ter r a lott of problems!
Tis grl , v used to b class mates bck then ..whn v reached our 5th grade v bth changed sckul ..i searched fr her as far as possible by a 5th grader..but
@lzt in 1 we found each othr..
She is a vry shy poor diciplined grl!! I came to kno by hr frnds tat she dont hve a mobile,a fb accnt ..nothing!! She is afraid of ol tese luv stuffs as i came to kno..!! :o
V r in dffrt sckuls nd live vry far away…but i do ma bzt to go @least c her 1 luk whn she returns aftr hr tution wit frnds….
@fst i via hr frnd tried to tok to hr..but it didnt go far than a hi nd smile nd i completely ruined te moment coz i ws sooo nervousness nd fear!!!
Later… she doesnt evn luk @me infact she wlks fzt…fztr!! ;(
Now ,fearin she dont lyk me , i’ll jzt go c hr without lettin hr c mee…
I dont kno hw 2 b frnds wit hr or gain hr trust whn i cannot fynd a way to..whn she is ignoring me…
Do u think u can gve me any help or advice or any suggestions at all???? ;(
i jzt luv hr…nd cnt stand hr ignoring me lyk tiz!
Pls try to help!! ;(
Try the old-fashioned way Ajal. Write her a love letter. http://www.loveinindia.co.in/10-tips-for-writing-a-love-letter/
Even today, nothing beats the fragrance of romance hidden in the folds of a love letter. And you’ve got your chance here!
Pour your heart out. Decorate it. Put perfume in it. In short, go crazy. ;) Girls as you as her love romance. :) It’s also good for your shyness as you won’t hav to say anything face to face. You have the luxuary of writing it down at your own pace, in your leisure.
All the best and I’m waiting to hear the rest of the story. :)
Hi sir…i desperately need ur help!
I luv a grl sincerly nd more than anything..!
I wanna say ma luv to hr!
Here in ma case ter r a lott of problems!
Tis grl , v used to b class mates bck then ..whn v reached our 5th grade v bth changed sckul ..i searched fr her as far as possible a 5th grader cud..but..
@lzt whn v reached 11 we found each othr..
She is a vry shy poor diciplined grl!! Icame to kno by hr frnds tat she dont hve a mobile,a fb accnt ..nothing!! She is afraid of ol tese luv stuffs as i came to kno..!! :o
V r in dffrt sckuls nd live vry far away…but i do ma bzt to go @least c her for a moment whn she returns aftr hr tution wit frnds….
@fst, i via hr frnd tried to tok to hr..but it didnt go far than a hi nd smile nd i completely ruined te moment coz i ws sooo nervousness nd scared!!!
Then Later… she doesnt evn luk @me infact she wlks fzt…fztr!! ;(
Now ,fearin she dont lyk me , i’ll jzt go c hr without lettin hr c mee…
I dont kno hw 2 b frnds wit hr or gain hr trust whn i cannot fynd a way to..whn she is ignoring me…!
Do u think u can gve me any help or advice or any suggestions at all???? ;(
i jzt luv hr…nd cnt stand hr ignoring me lyk tiz!
Pls try to help!! ;(
Already replied dear. :)
Mam please help me
I really like a friend of mine my never had courage to propose her.
She was my classmate in 12th class. Now we are really good friends and share each and every part of our life. She is the best person ever in my life. Sometimes I dream about but the reality again forces me to stop dreaming about her. The problem is that we are in different cities and its not easy to meet her. Can u please suggest me when is the right tym to approach her and express my feelings for her? She is really an ideal person I have always dreamt of. We both are 21 years old.
Thanx
Dear Sir,
I saw you writings… You’re really doing a very good deed… And you’re very much helpful to others.. :) I really appreciate that… :)
sir.. I’m explaining everything in detail… I would be obliged if spent some time in reading.. :) :)
I have a love problem.. And i am describing it in detail.. Kindly look at my problem.. I’m in a great dilemma..
I’m in love with a girl since the day I saw her in 4th grade (we together joined the school)…. I used to look at her from far…but I never had the courage to speak infront of her (I’m very shy guy… But your tips helped me a lot… thanks :) )…..
When I came to the end of class 5 I thought that now I must start studying in order to get her (I was too weak in studies)….. And therefore from class 6 I started progressing a lot… In the begining of class 6, I started talking to her..We usually talked formally..
Slowly in class 7, I progressed and came to her level…. At that time we talked sometimes informally…
So I thought to propose her (I didn’t wanted to but my friends encouraged)… The date was 15/7/11….. I was shy so I told her friend to say her about my feelings… She saw me with a different style and turned… Next day she gave the answer “No”…
I wasn’t depressed… I thought she likes me and she doesn’t wanna reveal..(this was my biggest mistake)… So I used to give her roses and chocolates.. She took it for some days (may be because she wanted to keep my heart)… But later she got annoyed and stopped responding and taking anything… And one day she gave a letter in which she wrote that I should interfere her life anymore… That day I realized my mistake… I was too upset… I also gave a letter in which I wrote that I’ll never come to your life again… I’m sorry…
We didn’t talked for a month but I still loved her a lot…
I used to look at her everytime…But she never gave a reaction…May be she hated me… The next day of Valentines day…I managed to gather my courage somehow after 3 months…. And I asked her, “you didn’t gave me your heart but at least….” she interrupted me and told me in a harsh tone, “I don’t want to talk to you”.. :'( she left and tears felt from my eyes… I tried many times to make her look at me but she never did.. :(
now we were in class 8…
She used to sit ahead of me…. Little far from me.. And sometimes by mistake when our eyes used to meet, my heart pumped like its going to burst… And I usually used bend my eyes…
Finally in July, I asked again… To be my friend…She said only friend.. I told Ok..
On my birthday I have her a chocolate… She took it… :) :)
slowly we talked and talked… Everyone knew about us in class… So when she used to play Truth dare… Her friends used to give her many topics like stare him (me) and how do you like him… And the whole class would start calling me by shouting… She sometimes blushed.. But I blushed Even more..
Now I thought of proposing her again…
On 12/12/12…. I thought to propose her, sitting on my knees infront of class (I had to gather a lot of courage)…. And holy goodness she accepted me and said that I’ll accept but I’m not serious… I told Ok.. And I gave the rose… Later I understood that she doesn’t wanted a relation she only did not want to hurt me..
But we couldn’t understand each other… As were never good friends..
Just after 7 days and 2 hours she broke the relationship by saying that she isn’t feeling good…
I was completely depressed… I thought I could not keep a girl happy even for 7 days.. :(
she got the information that I’m too depressed and she phoned me once (it was our winter vacation)… And told not to be depressed… I got little angry and told her, who are you to suggest me, please leave.. She again said.. Please Nilesh don’t get so depressed.. I said its none of your business…Get away from it..
I started crying after being so harsh with her…!
Then after opening of school I ignored her a lot..I didn’t talked even… And now she felt in love with me…
One day she and her friends decided to call me for a get together but alone… I went.. And there all her friends forced me to propose her… I didn’t wanted to do at that moment.. But I said I love you.. She smiled in such a beautiful way (I can never forget that)… But i was annoyed as they lied me that it was a get together plan… (I had to leave my important guests at home that day, but I went only for her)…
I phoned her immediately and told what did she think about me… Am i a puppet… And told many more… She left the phone and started crying…
On the other day.. At school… When I got the news that she cried yesterday.. I immediately went to her and asked, “do you really love me”…
She replied “No”.. Then I asked why were you crying yesterday… She bend her eyes and said nothing.. Again I asked do you love me..? She said “No”..
I said Ok and went to the toilet.. I was too upset… I was too angry with myself.. I shouted in the toilet ! Then at evening…She phoned me and asked are you angry with me.. I said no… Then she asked do have trust in me… I replied, i didn’t trusted anyone more than you.. Suddenly after sometime she told me I love you… I couldn’t believe so i told her to repeat…! Again she said… I was too happy..I said I love you too.. :) :)
then we talked something..
From other day I started loving her too much, i started caring too much..
And after exams we used to talk over phone… Everytime I called her.. She called only once.. And that also said nothing…
Now we were in class 9… We used to see each other a lot.. But she never gave time to talk…. So I used to be upset.. She never used to call me.. I also stopped calling.. We didn’t had time to talk in school.. So I stopped looking her when she looked at me… One day we sat side by side in class… She needed help.. But didn’t told me.. I asked her (i was talking he to her almost after).. That now you don’t need me.. Do you?
She said.. Yes..
I said I don’t feel so..
Another day a friend gave me a sketch showing that I hurt her.. After seeing that she started crying… I became upset.. I immediately broke my silence and asked what happened..? First she told noting.. But later she told that I don’t deserve you and We should be friends… I said we can’t be friends now…She said we can..
One day we were going home by bus… ( we both go home in same bus…my home is about 2km far, so I usually used to pass through her home 3-4 times a week) And the seats were full.. So we were standing.. At that time …. I felt on her, I held her hand.. I almost touched her back… She didn’t said a word…But she wasn’t happy… When the bus got empty.. I asked what happened..! She told, we were only friends.. Then why this..! I told we can’t be just friends now.. And then, I asked it means we have no relation… She told no..
Then I didn’t said anything… She went from the bus..
I cried at home.. At evening she phoned me and apologized by saying sorry to whatever happened me… I thought now I must not be with her so I said ok no problem… But From next day I didn’t talked to her… She also didn’t say anything…But she used to stare me..
The next day our summer vacation started…. The whole vacation neither I phoned her nor she did…. But she told asked her friend to know what happened to me… Why I’m not talking..! I told her friend that we had to apart after class 10 or 12 so its better to end now…. Then also many time her friend asked me…! But I told her the same answer..
But I still loved her… Every day in fact every hour she was in my mind…
Now schools opened…
Now she was also not interested..
After 2 weeks I talked her…But in between she used to see me sometimes… Now we were just friends… But I still loved her a lot.. Till now we are friends… But I love her a lot… Now she doesn’t say attention to me.. Recently I asked her friend to know does she likes me… She answered yes but only as a friend… She ignores me nowadays… And I get too hurt.. I always care for her… But she doesn’t feels its value… I love her a lot… Now I’m unable to forget her… We also are not good friends… Now i regret for what i did in summer vacation..
What shall I do..Now..?
I love her a lot and don’t wanna lose her… I would like to personally ask a question and say something more.. If you could mail me..
nile.nil2@gmail.com
I would really appreciate if you reply… :)
I knew I’ll not get any reply….
It was too lengthy and boring….I know!
excuse me maam your tips should work for me.i will remembe these tips. but i love a girl so much and whenever i see her i forget everything,i think thats true love but i will forget these tips too. please please help me,i love her.
help me pla
hi guys. am really shy to approach my crush, Don exactly know y. i have a gap between my front tooth. so, i really try to cover it with my lips while talkin but while talkin to someone really New, i can’t control my lips the gap is seen clearly. i Don know if these tooth gaps are really a matter of worry but certainly, Tats one of no reason for shyness. pls suggest me guys.
hi guys. am really shy to approach my
crush, Don exactly know y. i have a
gap between my front tooth. so, i really
try to cover it with my lips while talkin
but while talkin to someone really New,
i can’t control my lips the gap is seen
clearly. i Don know if these tooth gaps
are really a matter of worry but
certainly, Tats one of my reasons for
shyness. pls suggest me guys.
I am getting engaged after 4 days and I want to prapose her in that eve your suggestion will help you to plan much better surprise