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Why I Can’t Support “Blind” Marriages

Compatibility is one of those elusive, unmeasurable, undefined secret ingredients of successful marriages.

Can we determine the level of compatibility between two people with 100% certainty?

Never.

But through spending sufficient time with each other over a long enough period of time and through asking the right questions we can form an idea. That’s the best we can do to help ourselves take the biggest decision of our lives. Those of you who’ve been following this site for a while are familiar with these thoughts already. :)

But we want shortcuts. We want quick fix solutions. Unfortunately, such solutions rarely work in the long run.

I recently had a very interesting conversation about how we should go about gauging compatibility before marriage and whether there are any quick fix solutions to it. Here are some excerpts. Do let me know what you think. :)

Photo by The People Speak!

Someone: What should I do to determine compatibility through a few meetings in case of arranged marriages?

Me: In my opinion, even in case of arranged marriages there’s no easy replacement for a real courtship of at least two year – not after fixing the marriage date, like they do in case of modern Indian arranged marriages – but before you decide to get married to each other.
“But what happens if after investing two long years we decide not to get married?” You might ask.
When I say date each other for two years, I don’t mean date each other exclusively. You’re not in a relationship or anything, you’ve met through matchmaking. So you don’t have the responsibilities that come with a commitment. Feel free to date more than one people at the same time, but disclose it to all the people involved.

Someone: In the Indian societal set-up this arrangement is not going to be even acceptable- leave alone successful- beyond the tiniest fraction of arranged marriages taking place in the few metro cities.

Dating more than one person at a time?

Guys might just about escape any stigma or adverse remarks, but what about the girl? In a country where you need the flimsiest of excuses to set tongues wagging about “loose character”, dating multiple guys openly is the equivalent of showing a red cloth to the bull. Even if the girl cares two pence, her parents are unlikely to be unaffected by the constant insinuations.
My perspective is that of a guy hailing from a conservative family in a tier-2 city. I have been witness to innumerable instances of such “whispers” and comments being passed and I dare say that most folks outside metros (where I have been living for the last 2.5 years or so) harbor the same mindset- or worse.

Me: When I say date, I mean interact over a period of time after meeting through an arranged marriage channel (“getting to know each other” over months, sometimes more than a year, as is already common in case of modern arranged marriages). Most people do meet and interact with more than one “prospect” over the same period of time – otherwise how would you choose a partner in the limited timeframe of an arranged marriage preamble?

What I’m suggesting here is you do that for at least two years BEFORE, not AFTER you decide to get married. If you’ve already decided to get married, spending time with each other isn’t aiding your decision, which is the whole point of dating in the first place. :-)

A lot of people in India cannot afford 10 years of school education for their children. While this is unfortunate, this doesn’t take away anything from the importance of education for children.

Similarly, some conservative aspects of the Indian culture might make it impossible for you to interact with a “prospect” for a sufficiently long period of time before making a decision. That’s unfortunate. That doesn’t take away anything from the importance of these interactions in gauging compatibility between the two people. :) Like I said, the thumbrule is – you should interact for at least 2 years before you can understand a person at least to some extent, which is essential to taking a decision as important as marriage.

If that’s not possible, well you’d be taking a higher risk with your marriage decision. :-) There is no shortcut to knowing a person. The criteria that are usually checked at the time of an arranged marriage like family backgrounds, education, financial status etc. are at best hygiene factors – they ensure a basic match between the tangible aspects of the two people’s lives. They don’t say ANYTHING about compatibility – a match between the type of people they are.

What if one of you is an honest, straight forward person while the other is manipulative?

What if one of you is a diehard conservative, while the other is a free-spirited liberal? (inside their heart. I understand on the surface everyone is expected to act conservative in the kind of scenario you’ve described. :D)

I’m sure you understand that such basic differences in nature, values and beliefs of the two people is sure to lead to an unhappy marriage (I wouldn’t say a failed marriage because Indians don’t divorce. :D)

Photo by Neelan – God’s self portrait

The only way to even begin to gauge such aspects of a person is to keep spending time with them over a sufficiently long period of time. This will NOT ensure a happy marriage (nothing can, because people can change 5 years later, fall in love with someone else etc.). But it will reduce the risk of a mistake significantly. :)

Similarly, this is not to say 100% of “blind” marriages (arranged marriages where the bride and the groom don’t even get to see each other more than a few times before marriage) are sure to be unhappy. If you’re lucky you’ll coincidentally find someone compatible to you even through the “blind” process. But it would still be that – a very lucky coincidence. :)

Realistically speaking, while a blind marriage may not be the best option, if it’s your only option you’d have to make it work, even if your spouse doesn’t turn out to be exactly what you needed. A mental readiness for making all necessary compromises, a willingness to treat the other person with respect no matter how much you like or dislike them and continuing to set clear boundaries and rules of the relationship as you discover each other are essential to making it a stable, peaceful union.

Interracial Marriage: 7 Tips for “Two States” Couples

Disclaimers first: For want of a better term I’ve used the phrase “interracial marriage” to mean marriage between people from different Indian states. Whether they can be technically called different “races” is, of course, debatable.

Young people today are much more mobile than they were a generation ago. Interracial marriages are hence becoming increasingly common in India.

An interracial marriage is a marriage across cultural barriers. If you are in an interracial relationship, you know that it has its own set of challenges. Here are some tips to help you deal with them.

Interracial marriage – Rule #1. Know your differences

India is NOT a homogenous country. Each state has its distinct and novel culture (which gives our country its uniquely rich heritage). If you come from different states, recognize that there are cultural differences between the two of you. Don’t go down the blissfully ignorant “people are people” path – pretending you’re just two individuals with no cultural baggage. That approach is likely to lead to nasty surprises as you discover predictable differences which you assumed didn’t exist.

Ask questions. Make it a point to have fun chats about each other’s food, festivals, social norms etc. from time to time. This will help you appreciate your differences in a relaxed non-threatening environment (instead of having them thrust down your throat by an in-law post-marriage, for example). Being open and inclusive is about respecting differences among people, not about wishing them away.

Photo by alisa carolina

Interracial marriage – Rule #2. Know their family

Attend family holidays/functions with your significant other’s family and encourage them to do the same with you. A holiday is a great occasion to get to know a culture, a family, their values, habits, beliefs etc. It’s also a great opportunity to help them look past the cultural barrier and start seeing you as part of the family already. Getting to know each other’s families sufficiently well before marriage is key to familial harmony, especially in case of an interracial marriage.

Interracial marriage – Rule #3. Boundaries

What is your strategy of handling cultural conflicts as and when they arise?

If one of you is a vegetarian and the other is not, how are you going to plan your meals?

What would each of you do when you want to watch movies in your language?

How are you going to celebrate major religious festivals – your way or their?

Most couples in interracial marriages struggle with such situations because either of them tries to “adjust” to the other’s culture, suppressing their own beliefs and preferences. That approach is likely to create dissatisfaction, leading to communication gap and loss of intimacy in the long run.

Instead anticipate the predictable conflicts before marriage and define clear rules & boundaries for handling them. For example:

I’ll cook my non-veg food separately and share the rest of the food items with you.

Each of us will have half-a-day per weekend to ourselves when we can engage in activities and people specifically related to our culture, without having to include the other person.

In alternate years we’ll celebrate Diwali with my folks and your folks.

You get the idea.

Interracial marriage – Rule #4. Children

Which values and beliefs are you going to hand down to your children? Will they learn both your languages? How will you make sure they absorb the best of both the cultures of their parents? If your cultures are widely divergent it’s essential you agree on at least some broad principles regarding children. For example:

“They’ll spend one vacation per year with each set of grandparents.”

“We’ll raise them vegetarians/non-vegetarians.”

Etc.

Interracial marriage – Rule #5. Independence

Not all of us have the same level of involvement with our respective cultures. Some of us have a more global/more pan-Indian outlook, whereas others are more of a product of their home culture. Needless to say, interracial marriages work only for people who’re individualistic and highly independent of their families. If part of your core identity is made up of your home culture, your inter-cultural relationship is unlikely to work in the long run.

Photo by kbhatia1967

Interracial marriage – Rule #6. Culture vulture?

Each culture is extraordinary in its own ways. No culture can be “superior” or “inferior” to any other. However all over the world the cultures of the majority, the powerful and the rich usually become the “dominant cultures” – cultures everyone else wants to emulate. If one partner in your relationship is from a dominant culture, you need to make sure none of you are in this relationship because you want to “become part of” the dominant culture (while it sounds bizarre, such unions are very common all over the world).

This tendency may not always be deliberate. But watch out for obvious signs such as the partner from the “dominant culture” being treated as a trophy, the other partner making all attempts to “blend in” with the “dominant culture” instead of showing equal respect to both cultures etc.

Interracial marriage – Rule #7. Strength of your relationship

You’re not prey to the “Love conquers all” myth, are you? As I’ve harped many times, a successful marriage is NOT about love and luck but about sharing and compatibility. If you choose to get married your cultural differences will affect your relationship in ways you cannot anticipate today.

Do you have enough common grounds to stand on?

Have you spent enough time (I mean years, not months :D) together and are completely sure he/she is The One for you?

Take time to decide whether your worldviews, basic values and beliefs are sufficiently aligned, and whether your relationship is strong enough to beat the odds.

Are you in an interracial marriage or relationship? Is it more or less challenging than you’d expected? Let us know by leaving a comment.

Q&A. His “Rakhi” Sister Keeps Getting Physically Close to Him.

Q. My boyfriend has this “Rakhi” sister who, in my opinion, is an extremely unpleasant girl (in the vernacular, a pure b***h). She is nice to me on my face but bitches about me to my boyfriend. I feel like I just can’t stand her anymore. She also tries to get physically close to him all the time. I have talked to him about my problem but I don’t think he gets it. I have come to a point where I just can’t deal with her any more and I also know that my boyfriend won’t give her up for me. I also don’t want to keep irritating him with this matter time and again. Should I break up with him?

-Sheetal, Mumbai

A. One of the basic rules of life is:

You cannot change other people.

You can only change your own response to them.

If our partners’ actions hurt us, the first thing we should do is to let them know in a calm & mature way. This is meant to give them an opportunity to change their ways if they want. If they continue to behave in ways which hurt us, we have two options:

Break up with them if that particular aspect is central to our needs from the relationship.
Adjust our expectations from our partners and take actions accordingly.

Photo by oline221296

“Mutual need fulfilment” is one of the three main elements of a successful relationship. Assure yourself that if your basic needs are not getting fulfilled in a particular relationship, breaking up is not only acceptable, but the most natural and healthiest solution for both of you.

Ask yourself the following questions:

Why am I in this relationship? What do I want from my partner? (Intimacy, emotional support, sharing, pride, stability, peace? … There can be practical reasons too.)
Is this development preventing my partner from giving what I want from him? (Is this hurting my pride so much that I’m unable to function? Is this creating emotional distance between me and him? Has this broken my trust irreparably? … )

Irrespective of whether you feel like you can’t go on anymore, or you continue, I’m sure you’ll at least give your relationship another chance before giving up. The rest of this post is about what your best attempt at making this work should look like.

You can’t stand this girl but she’s important to your boyfriend. You have already discussed this with your boyfriend but he’s unwilling to do anything about it. Your immediate next step is to stop requesting him to change his attitude towards her. Like I said, you can’t change his priorities. Trying will only make you feel out-of-control.

Being around this girl causes you immense nervous stress, right? So consider her non-existent in your life. Stop interacting with her. Stop talking about her. And stop thinking about her. Just let her go.

For you, she doesn’t exist.

Let your boyfriend know that you’re unwilling to interact with this girl any longer. Be calm & mature but firm while stating this. Do not use strong language like “because I don’t like her”… Or “because she’s xyz…” That is likely to lead to another fruitless argument. Instead you can mention something like, “as you know, we don’t really gel well…” or something mild and reasonable like that.

Unless he wants to break up with you he has no option but to accept this decision of yours. He’s made it clear that you can’t control who he makes friends with. But no one in the world can deny the simple fact that you can control who you make friends with. Hence you have a right to stop interacting with this girl, even though you cannot force him to do the same.

If he ever mentions her in conversations detach yourself emotionally for that moment and give vague, non-committal replies like, “OK”, “I see…”, “Oh right..”. Overcome your curious urges to know what she tells your boyfriend about you. You don’t need to know that. ’Cause you don’t care. Believe me, you really don’t.

Photo by jaroslavd

Do not demand that he stops discussing her with you. Because – again – we can’t control what others do. You can’t control what he says to you, but you can control how you react. If he’s worth his salt, he’d get the cue and after a point stop bringing her up in conversations with you.

If you can do this right you’d have scored a major achievement in your relationship. You’d have established a simple but crucial term of the relationship – that it’s between equals, with none more important that the other.

Sure, you can’t expect him to stop being so close with this girl just for your sake. But in that case he can’t expect you to do something that you don’t like just for his sake either – accepting this girl as a part of your life, for example. :D

In the meantime, focus on yourself. Focus on your career, dive headfirst into that long-forgotten hobby, reconnect with old friends, make new ones… Do everything you have to do to find happiness and balance within yourself. It’s the key to enjoying a healthy relationship. Always remember:

Your partner is a very important part of your life, not your life itself.

This is not to say you shouldn’t be affected by any action of your partner’s. We all are, and it’s most natural to be. But you cannot let his actions determine your self-worth or sense of wellbeing.

All the best Sheetal. :)

Penguins – what would you have done if you were her?

Let me know by leaving a comment. :)

How to Break Up: 7 Rules You Can’t Ignore

Everyday millions of people fall in love with each other all around the world. Some of them stay together forever. Most of them break up after weeks/months/years, and move on to better relationships. Breaking up is one of the hardest experiences of life – not only for the dumped but also for the dumper. Among those of you facing a relationship crisis, many must be wondering, “How to break up with my boyfriend/girlfriend, knowing I’d hurt them?”

There is, of course, no painless way of breaking up with someone. There are, however ways of doing it which are healthier and more responsible than others. Let’s take a look at some of the basics you need to keep in mind if you’ve decided to break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend.

How to break up – Rule #1. Where to do it

You’d have read everywhere that it’s best to break up in person, at their residence. Their own private space gives them the maximum privacy to deal with their feelings (which are likely to be intense) at the moment they hear it from you. But in India most single people live either with their parents or with roommates. Breaking up in person at their residence may not always be possible. In such a case do it over an email, not a call. A call is a dialogue. It might turn into an emotional frenzy. Besides you can take your own time to craft an email, providing as much explanation as you want and choosing the most appropriate words. Also, when the other person reads it, they can take the time they need to come to terms with their feelings before contacting you (if they choose to). It saves them the pain of having to hide their emotions because they’re not alone.

Photo by Daniel Gizo

How to break up – Rule #2. What to say

If you’re wondering how to break up, remember this golden rule: Do not blame and do not apologize. It is neither their fault, nor yours.

At least not any more.

Both blaming and apologizing are likely to turn up the emotional temperature and lead to another meaningless fight. Instead make the break up conversation calm & mature. Say something like, “We’re different from each other,” or “Our ideas about life/relationship/future goals are different.” Emphasize that the two of you are incompatible with each other, rather than one of you not being “good enough” for the other.

How to break up – Rule #3. Handling reactions

If you’re breaking up in person (or if and when they meet you next after receiving your email) they might react in an intense manner. They might start yelling, screaming or crying. Pacify them by politely urging them to calm down, again and again. There’s no consolation that you can offer them. So channel the discussion into some other topic (“Btw, I wanted to tell you … <some news about common interests/job/common friends…>”) and insist on continuing the discussion in the new direction. They might say things like, “Nothing but your love can give me peace now,” or “Tell me you love me.” Always say, “We’ll talk about that later.” Do not cow down and tell them that you still love them, even if it is only to pacify them. Do not offer to remain friends. And do not give them any gifts (they’d act as constant reminders of their pain).

How to break up – Rule #4. No need to change

When you tell them you’re incompatible, they’d most likely offer to “change themselves” to suit you better. Tell them with conviction that they’re extraordinary the way they are and that they’d be doing themselves a disservice if they try to change themselves for anyone else. Also mention that changing oneself for someone else is an extremely unhealthy way to approach life, and is sure to do more harm than good in the long run.

Your objective here is to minimize the damage to their self-esteem.

Photo by Lou Noble

How to break up – Rule #5. Avoid clichés

Another golden rule if you have doubts regarding how to break up: Do not try to make it sound like you’re breaking up because you have their best interests at heart. You don’t. You knew you’d have to hurt them. Yet you chose to break up because you care about yourself more than you care about them. We all do. It’s natural. It’s healthy. And they know that. Don’t use clichés like “You deserve someone better,” or “I want nothing but the best for you.”

How to break up – Rule #6. Tell the truth

If you’re not sure how to break up, muster the courage and say, “I know I’m acting selfish. But I’m sure one day you’ll realize that it’s best this way.” Like I said, no one breaks up primarily because they want the other person to be happy. We break up because we want ourselves to be happy. You’ll both feel better if you’re frank about that bit. Besides, you cannot do them a greater favour at this point than giving them a reason to hate you. But don’t overdo it. :D

How to break up – Rule #7. No contact

If they call you after the break up do not pick up. If they try too many times, pick up, tell them you understand their feelings and would write them an email. Don’t let the conversation linger – it would lead to nothing but a waste of energy.

Keeping in touch with you at this moment would make them falsely believe – even if subconsciously – that you’re somehow available when you’re not. They might unknowingly become your fall back option, which they (or anyone) don’t deserve to be. Most importantly, keeping in touch with you will keep them emotionally unavailable to other romantic possibilities around them.

If they do insist on keeping in touch, write them an email explaining this. Mention that it lies in the long-term best interests of both of you to stop seeing each other now. Tell them to stop trying to contact you because keeping in touch will be painful to them given the circumstances.

Make sure the severing of ties doesn’t come across as rude or cruel to them. You’re severing ties not because you want to hurt them more, but because you don’t.

Have you ever broken up with anyone? How did you break up? What are your lessons from the experience? Share with us in the comments.

Q&A. Has He Married Me Just to Obtain a Green Card?

Q. I’m an Indian-born US citizen. I’m physically challenged (paraplegic), currently living in India with my mother on an OCI visa for my treatment. My dad still works in the US – we couldn’t have borne the costs of my treatment otherwise. My husband is from India but living in Canada on a work permit.

We met online and hit it off almost instantly. He started with treating me with all the love and attention I could ask for – talking to me every day, even during work. He’d sleep late to talk to me, he’d wake up early to talk to me, he’d text me during work, we’d Skype every day for 2-3 hours and even if we didn’t have anything to talk about, we’d talk or just sit there looking at each other.

I asked him about his goals, ambitions, likes and dislikes. It’s crazy how similar we seemed in every respect. It made me feel as though we’re meant for each other.

Finally after about talking to each other for about two months, he dropped the “L” bomb. At this point the feeling was mutual. We started a long distance relationship. Everything was going great.

After we’d been in a relationship for about a month, it was time for me and my mum to visit my dad in the US. During my stay there we started talking about a green card for him so he could fulfil his dreams of starting his career in the US. He was fiercely against it at first, saying “I don’t want to use you like that”.

Photo by naturalhomecures34

After a while, he agreed and said it was okay if we got married and filed for a green card for him. After a couple more days, I spent $400.00 on a ticket to see him in Canada (my mom came with me). Everything was perfect till then.

It was in Canada that the first signs of trouble started to appear. For instance, there was this incident of him getting furious with me quite unexpectedly when I told him I wanted to visit the hookah bar with him (a place he frequented for smoking hookah, which I thought would be fun). He was very rude. I was so shocked that I couldn’t say anything. Later I forgave him as I assumed he’d reacted because he couldn’t afford it. (A couple of days after I left, he bought a hookah so that he could smoke at home with his friends).

We went back to the States. A felt he was starting to change. He stopped Skyping me as much, we would fight more, and he stopped giving me time. After a month, my mom and I made another trip to Canada to meet him. It wasn’t any better this time. His treatment of me became even more rude, unpredictable, most alarmingly – unexplainable.

He would even insult my mom or avoid her quite obviously. I thought that he might be frustrated because of work so I didn’t bother him too much.

His friends, he, my mom and I had planned a trip to Vegas to celebrate Christmas and New Year together. We got married in Vegas so I could file for his green card. Things weren’t that great in Vegas. He bought a really expensive DSLR camera. Whenever we’d pass by something cool my mom or I would tell him to come and take photos. He’d rudely tell us something like, “I don’t like all this, why do we have to take pictures?” But whenever his friends would tell him to take a picture, he wouldn’t say a word and would start to pose for them.

Later we came back to India and he went back to Canada. Recently I asked him to take photos of himself for his birthday and share. Bizarrely, he became furious and seemed incapable of appreciating my desire to feel included.

I’ve asked him to set his profile picture on FaceBook to something with him and I in it. He doesn’t want to do that. Neither does he want to change his WhatsApp picture to something with both of us together.

When he came on Christmas, I gifted him a beautiful watch from Skagen. It was a silver netted band with a black dial. Not too big, not too small. He didn’t appreciate it and started saying that I should have consulted him before buying. My dad was there and he was really upset. He didn’t even thank me verbally. His friends gifted him a cheap watch from WalMart with a big dial and he loved it! I felt so hurt.

Long story short, I feel I’ve dropped completely out of his priority list. He doesn’t call/Skype/communicate much (in spite of ours being a long distance relationship), doesn’t appreciate me for who I am (doesn’t encourage me on my efforts to improve my physical condition, forced me to get myself a makeover) and doesn’t even appreciate my efforts to make it work in spite of all this.

I haven’t been happy these days, all I’ve been doing is feeling lonely and crying a lot because I feel I ruined my life. He doesn’t please me sexually either. He finishes before I do and doesn’t have the courtesy to help me finish.

He expects everything to be done his way and is really arrogant, insensitive and stubborn. He curses, fights, and screams like a baby! I don’t know if I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.

Is he acting this way just for his green card? Should I divorce him? He’s coming to US in July and I’m also going there. What should I do?

-Anonymous

A. A few red flags according to me:

#1. You’ve married too early and without knowing each other closely enough. I understand you married early to give him the advantage of the green card. But in general it’s not a good idea to be married at a time when your relationship is going to remain long distance for an indefinite period.

Why Marriages and Relationships are like Apples and Oranges (Part 1) ,
Why Marriages and Relationships are like Apples and Oranges (Part 2).
“When Should I Get Married?” 10 Questions I Wish I Had Asked Myself Before Getting Married – Part 1
“When Should I Get Married?” 10 Questions I Wish I Had Asked Myself Before Getting Married – Part 2

Photo by Kitty Allison

#2. You’ve said he’d sometimes insult your mother or not talk to her. I think you’re making a mistake by involving your mother too much in your relationship. (That’s what it seems from the limited amount of information that I have. Pardon me if I’m mistaken.) For example, your mother accompanied you to Canada when you went to meet him. Your mother was present throughout your honeymoon in Las Vegas even after your wedding. This is definitely not acceptable from any spouse’s point of view. I understand that she needs to take care of you because of your condition. Hence ask your husband openly whether your mother’s presence is disturbing to him. If you want honest answers, don’t make this sound like a threat. In your situation, ideally your spouse should be either willing (and able) to take care of you all by themselves, or at peace with the constant presence of your mother. He can’t eat the cake and have it too. Encourage him to choose one of the two options.

My reading of the situation:

Your guy is taking you for granted. And you’re blind in love, even if you don’t want to admit it. Otherwise he wouldn’t have tried to change you completely and you wouldn’t have obliged by making over your wardrobe etc.

This may or may not mean that he doesn’t love you. It might just be that he really wasn’t mentally ready for marriage but did it early because of the green card and now feels trapped. It may be that he feels that he can trust you and hence feels it’s OK to treat you the way he wants (which is not a valid assumption).

You can choose to give this relationship another chance, or you can end it. All I can tell you is that it’s not certain that he doesn’t care for you. Not yet.

If you choose to try again, the first step is to talk. Have an open but mature & non-threatening discussion about your needs. Tell him openly which of his behaviours hurt you. Ask him directly if there’s anything he needs from the relationship that he’s not getting. Emphasize that you’re willing to work for keeping the two of you together.

At a marriage stage as early as yours, communication is a huge challenge. The experience of my own marriage tells me this. You’re interpreting his actions in certain ways, which may be entirely off target. The same might be happening in his head. The fact that you’re based in different continents doesn’t help matters either. In this situation, instead of drawing conclusions about intentions from each other’s behaviours, open up and ask.

In this regard, the importance of remaining calm cannot be stressed enough. This will become another meaningless, exhausting fight unless you promise yourself never to lose temper even if he does. If he gets defensive your responsibility is to re-clarify the objective of the discussion, emphasizing the fact that this is not a blame game.

No one is perfect. All couples achieve peace and happiness through finding middle grounds and you can do the same. If you can resolve your misunderstandings – all my prayers for your undying love! :) If you can’t, you’d at least know you did everything you could before giving up. And make no mistake – giving up is an option (if you don’t get satisfactory responses from him within a reasonable period of time, for example), and it’s as good an option as staying back. Do not go down the lane of self-loathing thinking breaking up is a morally wrong or selfish choice. Remember:

Life is too short to chase anything but happiness.

We remain in relationships as long as they give us peace, happiness and overall fulfilment, and not when they start having a generally negative effect on our lives.

All the best. :)

Q&A. I’m a Girl in Love with My Friend, But He Won’t Reciprocate

Q.I’m a 28 year old female. I fell in love with my best friend who is 30 years old. We have been friends for nearly a year. We see each other mostly every day, we do all kind of activities together and we use to be close until I told him about my feelings when I was rejected by him. This hurt me like anything and made me very angry. I hurt him with words and I was really hurt myself for being rejected because he is truly really important to me.

I have thought about how I feel towards him and I feel I really am in love with him. Now we are acting very cool with each other but he is angry with me because of the way I reacted when I got rejected by him.

I’m lost and confused and do not know what to do. Do you think dating someone at this stage might help?

Please help.

-Neha, Delhi.

Photo by silje/vanilje

A.Your feelings are perfectly understandable Neha. Friends, especially the ones who become close, form a very important part of our lives. Friendship is a relationship which lets you see each other exactly as you are, without pretences. And that’s what’s amazing about this particular type of bond between two people which is different from romantic relationships, family ties and everything else.

That’s why it’s very common for people to fall in love with long-term friends. There’s nothing wrong with that. After all, what’s a relationship but a combination of friendship, empathy and mutual need fulfilment?

But of course how your friend feels about you is not under your control.

The first thing here is, Neha – confessing your feelings to him all of a sudden was probably not a good idea. May be he was surprised and shocked. May be to him your feelings signified the end of your precious friendship, given the fact that he doesn’t share them.

To those who feel like they’re in love with their friend, I always suggest they spend time dropping hints and observing their friend’s reactions before confessing anything. This way, you can easily make out how likely your friend is to reciprocate your feelings. If they respond with romantic signals, you know they share your feelings and you can go ahead and tell them you love them. On the other hand, if they seem uncomfortable with your hints, or they seem to not notice them, or they start growing cold to you or avoiding you in reaction to your signals, you know you’re not in luck. In that case you can forget about them as a romantic possibility and continue your friendship as it was. The advantage of avoiding a direct confession is that in case the feelings are not mutual, you can continue life as usual without the pain and embarrassment of confessing, apologizing, making up etc.

But anyway, that’s all in the past now.

Your course of action now is to take a break from him for a while. I’m not suggesting you sever ties. But given your feelings, it’s imperative you stay away from him for a while now to give your friendship another chance. In the current situation, if you continue hanging out with him, you’ll never be able to give up hope that he might turn to you. Life will become a never-ending cycle of joyous hope and depressing disappointment for you. This will be an extremely draining experience which will add nothing but negative value to your life. At the same time it will keep you available to him forever as a fall back option – something you don’t deserve to be. And most importantly, it will keep you emotionally unavailable for investing in other romantic possibilities around you.

Photo by Jahnico

I suggest you take some time out so that you can understand your own feelings better. May be a second look at yourself will reveal your feelings have resulted only from an infatuation born out of spending too much time together? If not, you can at least use this time to shift your focus to yourself, and conquer your romantic feelings towards him. Wait till you’re completely over him before contacting him again.

The immediate next step for you now is to drop him an email genuinely apologizing for your angry outburst. Do not mention anything about continuing to be friends OR cutting off ties in the email. This email is meant only for offering your heartfelt apology for an unwarranted reaction.

As I mentioned, the email should be the last and only communication between you for some time to come. You’d of course not contact him thereafter. If he contacts for a second time after replying to the email, tell him politely but firmly that you don’t want to sacrifice your friendship by disturbing his life with your romantic feelings. Hence you want to stay away from him for a while, and that you’d contact him whenever you’re over him. Emphasize that you don’t want to destroy your friendship for any reason, and end with saying that you hope he’d be OK to be friends with you once again when you’re ready.

Let me know how things go.

All the best. :)

How to Forget Someone You Love: 7 Rules

Young people dealing with a recent break up often ask me, “How to forget someone I love?”

Breaking up with someone you truly loved will remain one of your most significant life experiences. The process of forgetting someone you loved can break you. Or it can transform you into a stronger, more balanced and more mature version of yourself, with a much higher potential for choosing and creating deeply fulfilling relationships in the future. Here are 7 basic principles you should keep in mind as you strive to forget someone you loved.

How to forget someone – Rule #1. Don’t stay in touch

There are many ways of forgetting someone you love. The one way which will ensure you can’t forget them ever is continuing to “stay in touch” with them. It’s dangerous because human emotions are irrational, and staying friends with someone we have romantic interest in makes us falsely believe – usually in spite of ourselves – that they’re somehow somewhere available when they’re not. It makes us always available to them as a fall back option. (Be honest – if your ex wants you back you’d only be too happy, right?) And most importantly, the cycles of getting your hopes high and disappointment sap all your emotional energy and don’t give you anything to show for it.

Photo by Staydazzled

How to forget someone – Rule #2. Don’t force-hate them

Contrary to popular belief you don’t have to hate someone you want to forget. Hating someone puts them at the centre of your life, and doesn’t let you forget them. The key is to shift your focus away from them instead. Lies you don’t need to tell yourself if you don’t believe them already include:

“I never loved them.”

“They’re evil.”

“I was too good for them.”

Instead tell yourself, “Everything has its time. I’m happy for the good times I had with a certain individual. The time for that person in my life has now passed and it’s time to look forward.”

How to forget someone – Rule #3. Focus on yourself

The best way to shift your focus from something/somebody you want to forget is to channel it into something you can love with equal passion. Focus on that most neglected but most important guy/girl – yourself. Now is a great time to take a fresh look at your life. Concentrate on the gifts of singlehood.

Re-evaluate your life goals. Is there something you can do differently?

Jump headfirst into that hobby you’ve always wanted to pursue.

Take that short trip you’ve never had time for.

This is a great time to learn to find happiness within yourself – something that can see you through all future emotional challenges.

How to forget someone – Rule #4. Don’t try revenge

Holding on to your dignity at all costs is liberating. Keep those vengeful urges at bay. If you try to take revenge at this moment of emotional upheaval, you’d likely do things you’d regret immensely once you’ve gained your senses back. More importantly, it would tell your ex how important they still are to you – not the kind of ego boost you need to give them.

Photo by F.M.N

How to forget someone – Rule #5. Open up

It’s OK to feel shock, pain, anger etc. after a break up. Bottling up all of that can be detrimental to your emotional health. Open up to friends and family. If you don’t want to share this with anyone post your story anonymously in online forums and gather warmth from other members (these communities are usually very supportive). You can even start keeping a journal or a private blog.

How to forget someone – Rule #6. Don’t trust indiscriminately

After a deeply debilitating experience like a break-up, you’d remain in deep shock and pain for a while. You might have tendencies to talk to anyone who’d listen. But this is dangerous, ’cause you’re at your most vulnerable at this point and might unwittingly reveal more than you should to not-so-trustworthy people around you. Make sure you connect only with people who you’re 100% sure of, like family or long-term friends.

How to forget someone – Rule #7. Don’t try rebound

Don’t jump into rebound. You’re emotionally unstable at the moment. If you get into a rebound relationship out of your desperation, the chances of making mistakes are very high. It would also be rather unjust to the person you involve, as you’d be using them as a replacement for someone else. No one deserves that. And most importantly, this would cement your belief that you can’t function without having “someone in your life”. You’d have deprived yourself of an opportunity to find stability and fulfilment within yourself. That’s something which is essential before you can even begin to assess your needs from a future relationship.

As I mentioned, how you forget someone you love will always remain one of your defining experiences. Make sure the process of forgetting someone enriches you, rather than destroying you.

9 Rules to Deal with a Cheating Boyfriend

Over the months many of you have read our very popular post 14 signs your boyfriend is cheating on you and asked me, “So what? What should I do if I find that he is, indeed, cheating?” Hence today’s post. Discovering with a cheating boyfriend is going to be one of your most challenging emotional experiences. Here are some tips to help you through it.

Handling a cheating boyfriend – Rule #1. Double check

Based on what evidence have you concluded that your boyfriend is cheating? If it’s just your suspicions, don’t make a conclusion yet. Try to verify the facts. Look for hard evidence. Believe the unthinkable only if you’re absolutely sure.

Photo by diablo_x_238

Handling a cheating boyfriend – Rule #2. Give yourself time

Once you’ve assured yourself that your boyfriend is indeed cheating, do not confront him immediately. You’re feeling shock, pain and humiliation. Your first reaction will be denial and delirious anger, arising out of a feeling of being wronged. Give yourself some time to deal with these feelings, before you confront your boyfriend. Take a few days off from him. Don’t see him, don’t answer his calls. You can text him saying you’re unwell or busy.

Handling a cheating boyfriend – Rule #3. Let yourself feel

Use this period to process your emotions –the hurt, the anger, the humiliation. If you have a trusted friend or supportive family you can confide in them. If not, start keeping a journal or a private blog – where you pour out your emotions and come to terms with them.

Handling a cheating boyfriend – Rule #4. Do not react

When you’re back in control, confront your cheating boyfriend. Do not dramatize. Do not get into a mad frenzy of yelling and crying and blaming – ceding control hurts you and you only. Let him know of what you’ve found out in a calm, mature way. Let him respond. You cannot know his true feelings unless you create a non-threatening, safe environment.

Handling a cheating boyfriend – Rule #5. Let him explain

When you give him a chance to express himself freely, he’d most likely put his sincere apologies on the table. Subsequently he can either express his desire to continue with you calling off the other relationship (this is what most people do), or confess his feelings for the other lady and choose to break up with you.

Handling a cheating boyfriend – Rule #6. Assess the relationship

If he wishes to break up, well, I’m sorry. You need to be strong and deal with your break up in a healthy way. But if he wants to continue, you must have a discussion about the needs of both of you from the relationship. While cheating can never be justified, it can be a manifestation of some of his needs going unfulfilled. You should at least know about such needs, if any.

Photo by Miguel Co

Handling a cheating boyfriend – Rule #7. Avoid self-loathing

While an incidence of cheating may not be entirely the cheating partner’s fault, you must make sure you avoid the other extreme – drowning in self-loathing for not being “good enough”. Irrespective of what your cheating boyfriend says about his unfulfilled needs, consciously stop yourself from going down the “I’m not good enough” lane. You are extraordinary the way you are. Fulfilling or not fulfilling his needs does not, in any way, increase or decrease your worth as a human being. Whether you want to do something to fulfil more of his needs is simply a call you need to take, not a standard you have to live up to.

Handling a cheating boyfriend – Rule #8. Take a break

Once you’ve discussed your needs, if you still decide to stay together, you need to take some time off from each other. Do not jump back into your relationship on the basis of verbal apologies and promises. In that case there’s a chance that you’d go through the same nerve-wracking cycles of being cheated on and then making up. Make it clear that the only way you’d stay with him is if he’s OK with taking a break for at least a few weeks or so.

Handling a cheating boyfriend – Rule #9. Invest in yourself

You can keep in touch with your boyfriend during the break but seriously, I’d not recommend anything more than a call once a week or so. Use the break to enrich yourself instead. Do a hard assessment of your life and set goals for your future. If you’re already pursuing some life goals, take a fresh look at where you stand in relation to them. Find new ways of doing the things you were doing to inch towards your goals. Pick up long-forgotten hobbies if you want. Reconnect with old friends. In short, shake up your life a bit. Take some time to live actively, not passively. The objective of this break is not to force yourself to fall out of love with your cheating boyfriend, but to create happiness and balance within yourself. This is meant to give greater stability to your life by reducing your emotional dependence on your boyfriend (or anyone else).

Have you ever had to deal with a cheating boyfriend? Did you break up or stay together? What was your coping strategy? Share with us in the comments section.

Q&A.The 4 Golden Rules of a Successful Marriage

Q. I see too many divorces around me. This is making me commitment-phobic. How can I ever find the courage to get married?

-Ankita, Mumbai

It’s good to know that you understand the importance of marriage without getting married. :D

Marriage will remain one of the biggest decisions of your life (if not the biggest one). The first thing to understand about marriage is that it’s always a risk. There is always a chance that things will not work out – five, ten or even twenty years down the line. You can’t eliminate that chance, but you can minimize it – by minimizing the chances of error before marriage.

Let me lay down some basic principles of avoiding common marriage mistakes, for your understanding. I call them the four Golden Rules of marrying the right person at the right time.

Rule #1. Don’t jump too early

A relationship has various stages. The first stage is the mad infatuation/attraction phase when you see nothing but positives in each other. This stage can last for anywhere between two months to more than a year.

Every relationship starts with this stage, which then gradually culminates into (or doesn’t culminate into) a stable partnership, complete with mutual understanding, appreciation of each other’s needs and some compromises (We all know there’s no perfect relationship with zero compromises from either side).

Photo by Maria Rosaria Sannino

The effects of the infatuation phase on your brain are neurologically and psychologically very similar to those of addictive substances.

Hence the first rule of marital success is NOT taking the decision of marriage during this phase, let it crystallize into a more stable relationship stage and then think about marriage. In other words, you should be together at least for 2 years before you decide someone is “The One” of your life. No, that “feeling” that you get in your guts about him/her being “The One” is not a substitute for those years of understanding, fighting and reconciling with each other.

Rule #2. The recipe for relationship success

The second rule of gauging whether you have a potentially successful relationship is to look at the level of compatibility you share.

Compatibility = Friendship + Empathy + Mutual Need Fulfilment

Friendship – Understanding and caring for each other as friends. (Thumbrule for gauging the depth of the friendship between two people: Ask yourself, “Would we want each other in our lives even if there were no sexual attraction between us?”)

Empathy – Understanding where the other person is coming from. Their needs, biases, weaknesses and the roots of all these. Now of course it’s not possible for anyone to figure that out completely for their significant other (Heck! We’d all have to be psychiatrists!). But as long as you genuinely want to and try to understand each other, you’ll find your relationship is attaining new depths.

Mutual Need Fulfilment – A follow-up step on the last one is a genuine desire to fulfil the needs that one’s partner has from the relationship. The stability of a relationship is determined by each partner’s answer to ONE moot question:

Are My Needs From This Relationship Getting Fulfilled?

Photo by Mustafa Khayat

Rule #3. Marriage means change

The third rule of making your marriage a success is to realize that your life is going to change inside out after marriage, irrespective of how long you’ve been in a relationship (unless you’ve been in a long live-in relationship), and to understand what these changes would mean for your life.

Why Marriages and Relationships are like Apples and Oranges (Part 1) ,
Why Marriages and Relationships are like Apples and Oranges (Part 2).

Rule #4. Questions to ask before marriage

Lastly, to determine whether you’re ready for marriage or not you need to ask yourselves some vital questions. Whether and when you go ahead with the marriage will depend on your answers.
“When Should I Get Married?” 10 Questions I Wish I Had Asked Myself Before Getting Married – Part 1
“When Should I Get Married?” 10 Questions I Wish I Had Asked Myself Before Getting Married – Part 2

Let me reiterate – following the 4 Golden Rules of Marriage would not ensure that you never have marital stability issues in the next fifty years. But they will ensure that you avoid the easily avoidable but alarmingly common mistakes and thereby increase the chances of success significantly. To test things out better, why don’t you run a covert survey on your divorcee friends to find out how many of them followed all the four rules? ;)

Q&A. My Boyfriend has been Avoiding Marriage for Years. What to do?

Q. I’m 26, Indian, living in the US. I have been seeing this guy (also Indian, based in the US) for 2.5 years now. We are of the same age.

Everything seems perfect in the relationship. His parents have accepted me happily. My parents are neither too approving, nor too disapproving of him, but have accepted my decision to get married to him, on condition of us getting married soon. Now here’s where the problem arises. My parents have been pressurizing me to get married for a very long time, starting at a time when I was not ready for marriage at all.

When they found out about my boyfriend, they insisted on talking to him about marriage. He came to my place and met my mother (when she was here). She liked him but he made it clear that he needed more time for marriage. I had trouble accepting it, but I did. I felt proud of his honesty and staunch refusal to lie in order to appease my family.

That was a year back. Late Last year we visited India together and he took the initiative to meet my family again, this time with his parents. I got my hopes high, but unfortunately his father told my family that he needed two more years before he was ready for marriage.

I broke up with him out of shock and pain, as at this point I had been ready to take the plunge for quite a while myself. But well, of course, we patched up.

Photo by Irudayam

Sometime around March this year he started talking openly about marriage and declared that I’m the one for him. Gaining confidence in his intentions, I decided to stop throwing hints and told him that it’s no longer about parental pressure, and that I had been ready for quite a while. He was somewhat shocked. I asked him whether he had intentions of marrying within the year at least. He again backtracked, mentioning something vague about next year.

I am not sure where to go from here. Everything is great between us, just that he keeps trying to buy time. Sometimes I even wonder whether he really is The One. I’m also tired of my parents continuously pressurizing me for getting married. I strive to make everyone happy but this is draining me completely. Please help.

-Smitha

A. Marriage is a life-altering decision Smitha. The only way you can increase the chances of making yours a success is to spend a few years with each other before marriage, and ask yourselves the right questions.

From giving up the freedom to sleep through the weekend to making your peace with differences in food habits – marriage will change your life in more ways than you can imagine, irrespective of how many years you might have been together.

Hence, the first step to making a marriage work is to understand this change.

Why Marriages and Relationships are like Apples and Oranges (Part 1)
Why Marriages and Relationships are like Apples and Oranges (Part 2)

Once you have some vague mental pictures of how your life is going to change after marriage, you need to start asking the right questions to yourself and your partner, to gauge whether you’re both ready to get married – now and with each other.

“When Should I Get Married?” 10 Questions I Wish I Had Asked Myself Before Getting Married – Part 1
“When Should I Get Married?” 10 Questions I Wish I Had Asked Myself Before Getting Married – Part 2

Hence, I’d strongly suggest against calling off a stable relationship of 2.5 years just for the sake of a disagreement over when you should get married, when you have such great compatibility. Consider giving him time if he needs, but not until you both agree on the terms. Read on to find out what I mean.

The first step for you is to have an open but calm conversation with him. Ask him what is the reason he’s postponing the marriage again and again. Is it emotional readiness, financial issues, panic for losing personal space … what exactly is it that’s bothering him? It’s vital for the stability of this relationship that you’re both very clear on the reasons for delaying the marriage. Be extra careful to create a peaceful, non-threatening, supportive environment that helps him open up. As of today, he’s obviously scared of something – your reaction, your parents reaction, repercussions for the relationship etc – which is making him hold back from you on his real worries. Help him trust you completely. I cannot emphasize the importance of mutual trust enough for taking your relationship (and future marriage) forward from this point.

Once you know the aspects of his concern, try to address them.

Photo by dmixo6

Is it finances that he’s worried about? Discuss and come to an agreement of how you’ll handle your finances (All funds common, one joint account plus individual accounts for each of you, completely separate accounts with expenses designated for each partner are just some of your options. Make sure by the end the arrangement is clear to and works for both of you.)

Is it personal space? This one’s more difficult to resolve. But you have to drive towards defining clear rules, like: I’d accompany you on all your activities and you’ll do the same for me, OR we’d each have one day of the two-day weekend to ourselves without the interference of the other, OR we’d each take solo trips sometimes, and that should be acceptable to the other partner. I’m just trying to give you some ideas of how rules of marital relationship look. Work out your own, making sure they distribute rights and responsibilities equitably, without favouring any one partner over the other.

Hope by now you have an idea what sort of conversations I’m encouraging you to have with your partner. Please go through the articles I mentioned before – they’d help you think about the aspects you need to take into account in this discussion. Some of the factors might even involve the parents on both sides. Each of you can discuss it with your parents, come back, and agree with your partner on what is acceptable. I’d suggest you don’t involve your parents directly in your discussion of your “Code of Marriage”, so to speak. :)

The second step from your side is to get him to commit to a marriage date, but only after you’ve successfully addressed all his concerns in the manner described above. Let him pick the date, don’t force a date earlier than what he’s comfortable with. But you should make it clear that once committed, you’d expect him to that date. If needed, announce the date to your family, friends, his family etc. (with his permission, of course). This would create some positive pressure on him to not go back on his words.

What do you think of this situation, penguins? Let me know by leaving a comment. :)