Marriage – Page 5 – Love in India

19 Sure-fire Ways to Always Fight with Your Partner and Completely Piss Each Other Off

Remember my friend Amrita who made some one-of-a-kind drunken promises to her husband? Today she’s back with some pearls of wisdom on how she keeps the domestic war going in her family. While she’s talking from a married woman’s point of view, these methods will work like magic for married and unmarried couples alike.

Photo by Dr Winston O Boogie

So here goes…

Remember, it’s always the other person’s fault.
Whenever you’re arguing, always refer back to past fights.
Find ways of somehow blaming things on your partner’s parents. While having a fight disparage them every now and then.
Maintain a secret running list of his/her weak spots. Make careless jibes at them during fights.
If you’re running out of new issues, bring up the eternal and un-solvable ones.
For best effects, do this at a time when you’re both exhausted – like after work/school.
Don’t accept defeat. When you really can’t find any ways of countering the other person’s point repeat it, add a “but”, and add your own (even if entirely irrelevant).
No issue is too small to fight over.
Rigorously monitor their email, messages, Gtalk, Facebook chat, Whatsapp and everything else. This will keep them on their toes.
Try to avoid sex as much as possible. It never makes for a great mood for fighting.
Always interrupt them before they can finish a sentence. This will not only help you avoid listening to them, but also set the mood for a fresh fight.
Use your most normal tone to deliver your most sarcastic lines. This will drive them crazy.
When they come up with their best lines, pretend not to hear (play with your cell phone or something).
Focus on the big picture. Instead of limiting the argument to any issue at hand, link it with your partner’s inherently faulty nature.
Causally mention something provocative at a particularly special and romantic moment. This is known as the “ruin the moment” technique.
Whatever you do, don’t say the words, “I’m sorry.” They have the dangerous power of ending fights abruptly.
Don’t leave the room or take any sort of break during a quarrel. Be at it till you have made your point.
If your partner does something spineless like leaving the room, chase them around everywhere – including the bathroom – to prove that they’re wrong.
If you want to get creative, call up his/her dad at the height of a fight, and say, “This is what he/she is doing! Is this what you’ve taught him/her?” You will never forget your partner’s reaction to this.

Have a great weekend and happy fighting!

How I Coped with Being Dumped and Why That’s NOT Going To Help You

I once got dumped.

There. You have it – my unequivocal confession.

The worst part was that we were just about twenty days into the relationship (if you can call it a relationship) when he decided this wasn’t what he wanted.

What’s even worse is that I was madly in love with him. Well, madly doesn’t even begin to describe it.

It hurt.

And I let it. May be because I was so mad, I couldn’t make any attempts to wish it away by telling myself, “I’m fine” and “He’s not so important”. ’Cause these would be lies.

Photo by Lsea584

So I acknowledged the piercing pain and loss.

I avoided all things him…

…Like plague. Not doing so would’ve been more dangerous to me than plague at the time.

I avoided the restaurants we visited. Even whole parts of the city. Even the music I used to listen to in that period.

And I don’t know if you believe this – even discussions of the industry he worked in.

I sought support

I was devastated. Broken. Over.

Or so I felt.

I had no option to “grieve silently”. I couldn’t bear the avalanche of pain that was crippling me. So I immediately contacted my (real) friends and cried my heart out on their sturdy and trusting shoulders.

Note that I said real friends. I think even letting the fake ones know about it would’ve been disastrous.

I actively formed other connections

No, I’m not talking about a nutty rebound confusion. (My madcap mind had that bit of sense still left in it.)

I dug out old friends in Mumbai. I simply called them up and wanted to meet.

Those of you who know me can imagine how uncharacteristic of me this was. That’s how desperate I was to hold on to something.

And a good thing too, ’cause it helped numb the pain.

I focused on myself.

I was forced to.

I had completely lost myself in those twenty days (yes I’ll definitely tell you all the stories sometime). He had become the sole purpose of my life to the utter exclusion of everything else (I know I’m crazy, but be honest – that’s part of the reason you love me. ;) ).

So when God disappeared I was forced to turn all that focus, energy, attention somewhere. I chose myself.

I rekindled my long forgotten love for reading and music. I sought beauty in whichever place I visited. I tried to give myself freedom – freedom from the past and freedom to embrace the good things of the world.

I gave him a piece of my mind

Woohoo! This is the fun part.

He made the mistake of calling me one day to say sorry. (Yes! I was evil-ly waiting for this!)

As per the advice of one of my (real) friends, I made full use of this opportunity.

I still don’t know whether I was able to make him really feel sorry, but I sure felt relieved.

A lot.

All of the above …

… Helped lessen my pain and helped me inch towards normal.

About 5% of the way.

That experience taught me that if you’re really in love, all the self-help methods of the world are only going to help you so much.

The rest – you have to leave to time. There’s a reason they call her (or him?) the best healer.

So what happened eventually?

Eventually… I got into a rebound relationship. (Yes, I did make that mistake against the good advice of all my friends and family.)

There was just this tiny bit of saving grace – this was with the same guy who had dumped me.

One year later I married him.

:D :D

Now don’t get greedy for getting your hands on my priceless “Proven Ways of Getting Your Ex Back” for free. Let me think up a killer business plan to launch it as a premium course… :P

What Are You Chasing?

I’m ravaged if I don’t Get It.

This life is a quest for Getting. This society will cheer you if you can Get it. And if you can't Get enough-you're a nobody, you're not worth anything. ‘It', for you, might mean wealth, recognition, status or any kind of material success. You MUST Get IT.

Photo by elizabetheastcobber

Superstar from childhood?…

Our children imbibe this from early childhood. Parents pressurizing them to be the topper of their class, win the football championship, be equally amazing in painting, music, dance and what have you.

I know I must be the best. Otherwise Mom won't love me as much.

And what can be a greater measure of self-worth to a child than parental love? This is not to say that parents stop loving their children if they are not high-acheivers. But the message the child gets is, "I get all those beams and hugs and kisses and little treats when I top the class, but I get a long face when I don't."

…Or suffering from distorted self-image?

Where are we going? Why are we doing this to our kids and to ourselves? What does it matter if the interviewer thinks I'm not worthy of being in their company/institute? What does it matter if the teacher thinks I don't deserve better grades? I know what I am. Who knows me better-she, or me? Why will my self-worth depend on others' evaluation of me-others who are not even the important ones-my friends, husband/wife/partner, parents, kids?
Let's say I ask myself, "Who am I?" What answer do I get? Do I tell myself, "Who am I? I'm the guy who's responsible for a 40% increase in my company's revenue!" Or do I say, "I'm a fun-loving/friendly/happy-go-lucky person, married to/in a relationship with Rahul/Neha-the most wonderful man/woman in the world. I'm also blessed to have Amrita and Amar-the sweetest kids in the world!"???

What happens when you fail?

Now let's say I didn't get that job/promotion/admission to that hallowed school.

I failed a test. I didn't meet my targets. What happens? Well, hell happens. That's what lies at the core of my life, doesn't it? Meeting my targets/getting the best grades/ being promoted. So of course I'm devastated.

And oh, I forgot to add – in the world inside my head, there's no second chance. Like everyone else, I somehow believe if I fail to meet those targets today, there's no tomorrow. If I don't pass that exam at the first attempt I'll be barred from taking it ever again in my life. And everyone knows that people never get promoted if they fail to get promoted once. So considering all that, I'm contemplating suicide.

When success comes at a hefty price…

Now let's imagine another scenario-I keep neglecting Neha cause I'm too busy making sure the first scenario doesn't come true-meeting deadlines, networking with key people after office hours, studying so hard for the interview that I have no time even to talk to Neha. She is a human being too. She feels hurt. Then she tries her best to draw my attention to our waning relationship. Naturally I ignore her. She feels more hurt than I can imagine. And then one day she doesn't feel so hurt. And then comes a time when she barely notices my negligence. That's when she starts seeing other guys. And then we part.

The End.

The most important part -yes, the most important part of me has been slow-poisoned to death.

What will I do then? Will I be ecstatic that I still have the gold rolling in and my targets in place?

Have you ditched life for success?

"Oh, well, the elixir of my life, the only reason I was born, the happiest little secret of my life is gone but that's a teensy-weensy price I paid when you consider what I got in return-a promotion and an insane bonus a result of all those hours I kept working neglecting her!"

Photo by Honey Pie

Is that what I'd say? I actually won't. No, not even if I'm the most selfish, achievement-maniac and greedy person in the world.

I'd feel like I'm choking to death. I'll feel the ground giving way under my feet.

Is there a second chance now? Will I ever get her back? Ok. Let me try.

"Neha, I can't tell you how much I love you. I can't tell you how sorry I am. I know what has happened is entirely my fault. I promise you I'll always be yours from now on. I'm dying. Don't do this to me. Please come home."

"Thanks for all that, Rahul, but I'm with Sumit now. We're getting married next month."

"Oh. Right. Congratulations."

Looks like I made a mistake. There's no second chance after all. Not in this case.

Now all I want is to live my life once more. To correct those mistakes. To do the things I should have done. To spend my time where I should have spent it.

Will I get another chance?

Our Romantic Holiday in Tapola, Panchgani & Wai near Mahabaleshwar, Maharashtra

Sometime back I wrote about taking a break from the same old to rejuvenate your relationship.

As some of you know Shubho and I headed out on a weekend trip to Village Tapola on the foothills of the exquisite Sahyadris this Saturday. It was a uniquely enriching experience, which I can’t resist sharing today. While this post is not going to be a “5 steps of…” direct application manual for anything, may be you’ll find a life lesson or two in our experience of connecting and rejuvenating in the midst of Nature.

Or may be not.

In any case, you’ll love the pics. ;)

So on with it…

Starting out for Lake Shivsagar, Tapola, Mahabaleshwar

Our attempts of spotting off-the-beaten-track getaway sites around Mumbai had yielded us the tiny village of Tapola, Mahabaleshwar this time.

You wouldn’t believe, we actually managed to wake up at 4 am on Saturday morning! And by 5:30 we were already on the road.

I still don’t believe I did it.

Tapola, Panchgani, Mahabaleshwar, Sahyadri

The winding trail through the Western Ghats is an experience in itself. In most parts you’d hardly find any other soul around, and looking up at the Ghat heights from the road makes you feel humbled by Nature’s sheer dimensions and magnificence. I just felt grateful to have the opportunity to be in such surroundings…

However in a long drive there are always stretches which are boring and monotonous, with nothing interesting around to gawk at.

Note to couples #1: You have to be really careful not to fight somewhere among these! I was not. Unfortunately he paid the price.:(

The boring details…

We reached Panchgani, a hill station surrounded by five peaks, about 20 km from Mahabaleshwar around noon.

Gotta admit – I didn’t really expect to find suitable room with this view …

Note to couples #2: Choose your room carefully on a romantic getaway. To us, the most important aspect of such trips is rejuvenating our souls and reconnecting with each other. That said, to me, the view from the room is of supreme importance – much more than whether the room has an AC and what the bath shower looks like. A great view from the room makes me feel right in the lap of Nature – I can spend hours sitting in front of the window.

Lake Shivsagar in Tapola, an idyllic boat ride…

Lunch was the first thing on our minds after a 6 hour drive.

Note to couples #3: I know you’re ravenous when you’re waiting for food at a restaurant. But don’t get your restlessness get in the way of conversation (Shubho has a long way to go here). Take the wait as an opportunity to relax – because you’re forced to be idle at this time. You won’t believe how many things we’ve discovered about each other in pointless conversations during this time. On this particular occasion, the restaurant being an open air roadside shack with mountains all around helped, of course.

After lunch we drove down to the village of Tapola, a 1.5 – 2 hour drive from Panchgani. Lake Shivsagar in Tapola is the reservoir of the Koyna dam – one of the largest freshwater lakes in the Sahyadris. The sparkling blue lake surrounded by towering Sahyadri mounts all around makes for a gorgeous view to tourists – especially because the driveway takes you right up to the banks of the lake. You have to suddenly brake when you discover that the road has ended and there’s nothing but a magnificent blue vastness ahead.

OK I know you don’t want any more of my boring words now…

The best part is you get individualized boat rides here – just for your travel group, instead of combined tours. An experience you wouldn’t want to miss…

Please congratulate Shubho on getting the two of us back to Panchgani from Tapola – it was his first drive in the mountains at night. :D

Sydney point, Panchgani

We’d set out with only Tapola in mind (yes we’re crazy enough to drive for 12 hours over one and half days to visit a single lake). But we had some time on Sunday morning before we headed back, so we decided to do a bit of sight-seeing around Panchgani.

Sydney Point is one of the most well-known Points in Panchgani, offering a panoramic view of Krishna valley, Koyna river, Dhom Dam & the valley of Wai.

The sudden explosion of blues, browns and greens in front of your eyes as you reach the peak of the Sydney hillock is a dizzying experience.

Silence, Solitude and Beauty around Dhom Dam, Wai

Looking at the picturesque Wai valley and Dhom Dam from the Sydney Point, I felt I couldn’t leave the Ghats without touching all the pure intense blueness below. So off we drove to Wai, about 10 Km away.

What followed was an immersive experience of silence, utter solitude and serenity on the banks of the remnants of the Koyna around the Dhom Dam.

With our hearts overwhelmed with the beauty and tranquillity all around, we headed back home, with the promise of coming back again and again.

11 Proven Ways to Keep Your Relationship as Fresh, New and Exciting as Your First Date

If you’re in a steady relationship for a long time, chances are you’ve faced those inevitable periods of ennui and tedium that we all have – when there seems to be nothing new, nothing exciting and nothing fresh in the relationship anymore, when you both feel you know each other too well to discover anything new and exciting about each other, when the relationship feels more like a habit than a connection of the souls of two people in love.

If you’re looking for a way out of this relationship rut, here are 11 proven strategies to work your way out and make your relationship as new as your first date.

How to keep your relationship fresh, new & exciting

Photo by Epsosde

#1. Surprises Introduce Excitement in Relationships

A few days back when I returned from a vacation with my parents, my husband took me completely aback by meeting me at the airport (taking half a day off from work, poor thing). Going out of your way to make them feel special usually goes a long way in rekindling the feelings of excitement in the relationship.

#2. Romantic Texts and Ecards Make Your Relationship Feel New

Remember those first three months when you used to send “I’m sorry” and “I miss you” ecards to him/her every three and half days? And the sugary “I love you”s and “You’re looking cute today”s beeping on your cell phone every 10 minutes? Bring them back – nothing’s stopping you. Sending romantic ecards randomly every once in a while (NOT on special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries – that totally kills it!) is a juvenile expression of excitement – and your relationship needs just that. So get busy on your first one for free, and start exchanging silly texts while you’re at it.

#3. Go Out on Dates for A Feeling of Freshness in Your Relationship

Remember the excitement and anticipation you used to feel while waiting for him/her on your first few dates? I bet you miss that feeling. Why not fix up a date sometime in a restaurant/park? The feeling of anticipation while waiting for seeing them will be worth it. Remember, during the date don’t talk about work and your usual everyday things – be a bit romantic, imaginative and fun. It’ll be a date which will last much beyond this evening and will spread warmth and freshness in the relationship.

Photo by R.Elli

#4. A Quick Word of Praise Makes Him/Her Feel New in the Relationship

Whenever you find sparks of those special qualities which initially drew you to them – praise them. This doesn’t mean thanking them for something they’ve done (like helping you with shopping, doing the chores around the house etc.). It means a genuine praise for qualities that they possess – beauty, intelligence, a caring heart – anything that makes them unique, and that you like about them. Appreciating them for these qualities shows that you still admire them and find them special. This goes a long way in keeping the spark alive.

#5. Doing Something Together Makes Your Relationship Exciting

Have you taken up a new hobby together? Do you have a little joint project which belongs only to the two of you and no one else? If not, take it up now! Creating something new together gives you something common to care for, thereby strengthening the bond between the two of you and working the excitement back into your relationship. Starting work on this website and blog together has brought me and Shubho closer than we’d imagined. It has helped us take our relationship to the next level.

#6. Conversations Keep Your Relationship Fresh

Sweet nothings are great for the first month of your relationship. After that you need to find common topics to talk about, though. Job, school or everyday life become hackneyed after a while. Engaging each other in a meaningful conversation about topics of common interest enriches both of you, and enlivens your relationship. My husband and I debate (and fight ferociously) about everything under the Sun all the time – from politics to movies to blogging!

#7. Getaways Spice up Your Relationship with Excitement

Outings – even small picnics – help break the monotony of everyday life and brings that breath of freshness and excitement back into the relationship. A physical change of your everyday settings provide an opportunity for connecting afresh. Especially if you’re leading a suffocating high pressure city life, you’ll find a weekend picnic to the countryside gives a fresh lease of life – to you as well as your connection with your partner.

#8. Having a Social Life Keeps Your Relationship Fresh by Breaking Monotony

Don’t spend all your time only with each other. After a certain stage in a relationship it’s easy to feel claustrophobic if you have practically no one in your lives except each other. Actively form a circle of common friends and have frequent get-togethers. This will help take sameness out and kick freshness into your relationship.

#9. Spending Some Time Apart Makes Your Relationship Feel New

Are you feeling bored in each other’s presence? It may be time to take a vacation – only not together. Take a trip with your buddies/girlfriends or visit your parents/relatives. Spend a few days away from each other. You’ll be surprised to find how much you miss the person you thought you were getting bored of. Giving yourselves an opportunity to miss each other works wonders in re-nourishing your relationship.

#10. Change Hangouts Frequently to Retain Freshness in Your Relationship

Don’t go to the same restaurants/hangouts always. It increases the sense of sameness and drudgery. Shubho and I tend to make this mistake ’cause we’re kinda running out of new hangouts that we like (so at the moment we’re concentrating on #7 instead).

#11. Find Innovative Ways of Connecting & Freshening up Your Relationship

Finally, nothing is final. The ways I’ve outlined above are only to get you started with new ideas for freshening up your relationship. Invent your own ways of reconnecting and try them out. Don’t forget to share them with me in the comments, though.

20 New Year Promises You Should Never Make Your Husband

Hey penguins!

This is my last post of the year.

While waving goodbye to 2012, I’m reminded of the legendary New Year Resolutions my friend Amrita made towards the end of one of the last few years. She took something in some New Year’s Eve party (I’ve naturally forgotten to ask what) which compelled her to write a love-spiked letter to her husband with twenty resolutions for the New Year.

Photo by Ilse

I think you’ve guessed that those twenty promises went down as the twenty biggest mistakes of 20xx (whatever that year was).

Keeping Amrita in mind, here’s the last bit of relationship/marriage wisdom of 2012:

Girls (wives), however drunk you get in the New Year’s Eve party, don’t make any of these 20 promises to your husband for the New Year!

I’ll never let you do household chores anymore. Your career is already stressing you.
I’ll buy the grocery myself. I understand you’re exhausted after a day’s work.
I won’t play “Who can find the most faults in her husband” with the girls. You’re the best husband in the world.
I’ll spend more time with your family. I’m grateful they brought you up.
I’ll have my mother visit us less often. I don’t want you to feel bored.
I’ll visit my mother less often. You need me more than she does.
I’ll sell the TV. It’s such a time-waster.
I’ll add up the proceeds with my savings and buy you a Play Station 4. You need to unwind sometimes.
If you’re late, I’ll never again call up all the hotels in town. If you’re cheating, it’s my shortcoming, not yours.
I’ll never try to find out exactly how much you earn. You’re entitled to keep that to yourself.
From now on, I’ll take more interest in real estate and stock markets. I’ve come to realize that these are crucial parts of life one should know about.
I’ll improve my driving skills and help you on our weekend trips. You too are entitled to a nap during the drive.
I won’t bore you with stories of what my best friends bought for their birthdays. I respect your patience.
When it comes to my birthday, I’ll never demand any gifts from you. Love resides in the heart, not in the wallet.
I’ll never throw a tantrum if you forget our anniversary. What’s in a date?
I’ll not nag you for giving up smoking. While it breaks my heart to watch you invite lung cancer, I don’t want to irritate you into a cerebral attack either.
We’ll watch more sci-fi and action movies. I’m bored with romance and family.
We’ll dedicate a weekend per month to watching football. I’ve just realized it’s the next best thing on earth after shopping. Which reminds me…
I’ll never drag you along on my shopping trips. I realize that it doesn’t provide you enough intellectual stimulation. And last but not the least…
By the end of 2013, I’ll quit shopping. What’s in a bit of bling?

With that, I’m off to my year-end vacation.

See you in 2013!

Kissing Under the Mistletoe

Merry Christmas readers, friends, fans and critics!Merry Christmas to all!

If you are in love with someone, and you’re spending Christmas together, what’s the most romantic gift you can give them? Yes, it’s a kiss under the mistletoe.

Ne’er heard of that one? Read on to find out about this special Christmas gift for your special someone.

Background

For the unfamiliar – mistletoe is a beautiful parasitic plant with long and narrow leaves and tiny white pearl-like berries, which is used in Christmas decorations around the world.

Photo by magda.indigo

It’s customary for couples to kiss under the mistletoe as this is thought to bring good luck. It is said that couples who kiss under the mistletoe will get married and be blessed with a long and happy life together, whereas girls who are not kissed under the mistletoe will remain unmarried until the next year (i.e. next Christmas).

It is also customary to burn the mistletoe plant as a means of foretelling marital success. A steady flame indicates marital bliss, whereas a flickering one is thought of as a sign of a not-so-perfect marriage.

References

Exactly how long this tradition dates back to is largely unknown, but some traces can be found in 19th century literature. In his collection of essays and short stories, The Sketchbook of Geoffrey Crayon (1820), American author Washington Irving recollects –

The mistletoe is still hung up in farm-houses and kitchens at Christmas, and the young men have the privilege of kissing the girls under it, plucking each time a berry from the bush. When the berries are all plucked the privilege ceases.

Origin

The origin of this tradition is quite obscure. According to some, the custom of kissing under the mistletoe originated from the ancient “Norse” or Scandinavian mythology – a Pagan school of mythology which continued into north-European folklore post-Christianization. According to the myth, Baldr was the son of goddess Frigg, who, at the time of Baldr’s birth, cast a spell to protect him from all plants, except mistletoe, which she overlooked. Later Baldr was killed by a god with a spear made of the mistletoe plant. Baldr was later resurrected, and Frigg declared mistletoe to be the symbol of peace and love henceforth. It then became customary for people to kiss under the mistletoe as a means to show respect to Frigg and also to remember Baldr’s resurrection.

Photo by Anthony White

Another theory is that the ritual of kissing under the mistletoe has its roots the ancient Babylonian-Assyrian Empire. The mistletoe used to be hung outside the temple of the goddess of beauty and love. While standing under the mistletoe, young single women would accept the first man who approached them. However no mention of kissing can be found. Folklore has it, that mistletoe has supernatural healing powers. It’s a symbol of fertility with aphrodisiac qualities. Historically, mistletoe was also a part of wedding ceremonies and used to be placed under the newlyweds’ bed. Later the tradition evolved into kissing under the mistletoe and men plucking a berry every time they kissed, as “mistletoe etiquette”. Continuing to kiss once all the berries were plucked was believed to bring bad luck. (Kissing was obviously quite a big deal back then and was looked upon as a promise of marriage!)

So now that you know all about the mysterious mistletoe – find one, grab your maiden and get kissing!

Merry Christmas once again! ;)

“Sex Has Got Nothing to Do with Love or Marriage”, Tamal Pal

In Converstation with Love in India’s Featured Facebook Fan

Today I’m glad to bring you the promised feature on the 50th lucky fan of Love in India Facebook page, Tamal Pal.

A Computer Science engineer from Jadavpur University (Kolkata), and an MBA from XLRI Jamshedpur, Tamal works as an automotive marketing manager with one of India’s biggest manufacturing companies.

When he’s not working, Tamal believes in enjoying life to the fullest, through engaging in (really really) varied hobbies and activities. A trained vocalist, Tamal’s eclectic tastes span everything from Stephen Hawking to SRK movies, and from Tagore’s music to fantasy cricket. In his own words, “I hate being stuck in the same thing for too long. I feel suffocated if there’s nothing new to learn, no new challenge to overcome every day. Even when it comes to career, I’ve changed my path whenever I felt like doing something different, and I’ll continue to do so in future.”

Excerpts of my chat with Tamal on love, marriage, life and his own story….

On love…

Pyaar dosti hai. Love is friendship…..

This may sound oh so stupid/corny/filmy, but after being in a string of relationships (yes, there have been quite a few) for the last 8 years, I have come to believe that friendship is the only true and sustainable basis of any relationship. Love is, at the end of the day, understanding someone, appreciating them for who they are, and craving to be with them because you just feel so comfortable in their presence.

That mad rush which you feel in your head when thinking about someone – at least for me, it’s just a sophisticated variant of physical attraction.

It’s of course natural to feel it for someone you love. In fact, I feel no romantic relationship can blossom if that madness is not there to start with. But just six months into a relationship, what remains is the understanding & the comfort that you share with your partner. If it’s worth it, you’ll stay together. If it’s not, you’ll start feeling uncomfortable subconsciously, leading to incessant silly fights, and ultimately break up wondering where it went wrong. It’s that simple, really!

On finding love…

You don’t find love, love finds you.

In today’s peer-pressure driven, competetion-obsessed society, even having a relationship has become a parameter for competition! Many “get themselves” a boyfriend/girlfriend, because they are supposed to have one, just like other essentials like a college degree, a job or a mobile phone.

I myself have got into relationships (yes, more than once) just because I was desperate not to stay alone after a breakup.

Gotta say, it doesn’t work that way. You can have an arranged marriage through a conscious decision and dedicated efforts.

Par pyaar koi karta nahi hai. Pyar bas ho jata hai. (You can’t “find” love, you fall in love.)

You’ll find it when & where you least expect it. And when it’s love, you just know…..

On essential traits of successful relationships…

There are relationships which are meant to be, and then there are the rest. If it’s not meant to be, I don’t think there’s anything in the world you can do to make it work. When it comes to spending your every waking moment with someone, it’s impossible-and more importantly a disservice to yourself-to try and be something different from what you are, naturally.

And if it’s meant to be, you just know it.

You trust them as much as yourself without even wondering if you should. When you are with them, you feel as relaxed & comfortable as you’d have been if you were alone.

You start caring for them and feel concern almost like your mother would feel for you.

Things like going out on a date, exchanging gifts, pampering each other with sweet words – yes, they make the moments special. But I would say they’re just the surface. A few moments don’t make a relationship. Your feelings and actions, day in and day out, do.

On marriage (and the love vs arranged marriage debate)…

Marriage is the decision to stay together with someone for the rest of your life. Marriage is the basic unit of society. To me, it’s a much more conscious decision than love. You have to think long & hard about who you are compatible enough to stay together with & raise a family. Quite often, it has got nothing to do with your feelings for that person. You can easily be madly in love with someone whose nature is completely incompatible with you, in which case you’ll never be happy in a marriage with them.

That brings me to the question of why so many arranged marriages work so perfectly. If your parents have put in so much efforts and thoughts into choosing someone for their child (you), they’re very likely to be from the same social background as you, with similar experiences and likes & dislikes as you. Hence although you may not know them at all, you probably don’t find it so difficult adapting to them, and end up living quite a happy life.

That said, I personally would never agree to an arranged marriage.

I don’t think anyone can do a better job of deciding who I’ll be ok staying with, than me!

It’s quite natural to be more comfortable spending your life with someone you’ve already been in a relationship with. I think getting to know someone as a person is much easier in the context of a relationship, than an always-already marriage, because the compulsion of liking each other is not there in case of the former. You can interact freely, express yourself, understand the other person closely, and then think about marriage if you feel that compatibility. Marrying someone unknown & then starting the process of knowing each other from scratch is just too painful compared to this!

On premarital sex…

To me, sex or any form of physical intimacy is completely separate from love or marriage.

Sex is just about enjoying the excitement of the moment. It has got nothing to do with love or marriage – you can very well get excited by an absolutely unknown woman.

Hence there’s no point in forming linkages between these, Yes, sex is more enjoyable with your partner, because the presence of emotions & the knowledge of their likes & dislikes makes the act much smoother. Yes, sex after marriage has got its own charms because you can express yourself much more freely with someone you’re habituated to. But using marriage as a boundary condition for having sex is just stupid, because the two have got zero correlation.

As an extension of this logic I would even go on to say that while in a marriage, you can very well enjoy yourself physically with other people while still remaining committed to your spouse. It’s not rocket science really, provided the trust between the couple remains intact. If they can remain truthful to each other while also being serious about their marriage, then why not? Swinging is not a very rare phenomenon, & many couples are happily married despite enjoying regular sex outside their marriage. After all its just sex – nothing compared to the emotional fulfilment a true relationship brings you.

Tamal’s story…

The most significant story of my life is that of my last girlfriend.

We know each other for more than three years and were in a relationship for more than two and a half years. We broke up very recently.

Let me tell you a bit about how we met.
After knowing her for 3 months, I knew I had feelings for her. But I decided not to tell her because she was in a complicated relationship with a married guy. She loved him, but he never made his stance clear. Even after filing for divorce, he finally reconciled with his wife. At this time, my ex-girlfriend was so emotionally confused that I decided not to make the situation more complicated by letting her know about my feelings. I came to know later that she’d already guessed, but at the time, she also chose to remain just my friend.

We would have remained so unless we had gone for our MBAs. I was to leave Kolkata earlier than her. Just a few days before I left, we had a fight. I was mad because I felt that the management school she had chosen to join was far below her standard, & that she was ruining her career. The next day, I expected her to be very angry, but she behaved perfectly normally with me. Then, on the day I was to leave Kolkata, she called me up & professed her love. She said that my impending departure had made her realise that she was going to lose her closest friend, the only person who would care for her so much as to rebuke her for her bad decision. Thinking about this made her realise that she had also started falling in love with me, 6 months after she had first realised that I had feelings for her.

The first thing that comes to my mind when I think about her now is that she loved me for who I was & had accepted all my shortcomings with endearing compassion. She was and still is one of my closest friends. None of us have ever been as open to anyone as we have been to each other.

She happened to understand me more completely than I can describe.

Our bond stemmed from the fact that we complemented each other. She was spontaneous whereas I am typically more thoughtful. We balanced each other perfectly. Even physical intimacy was easy & spontaneous with her. She has been the only woman with who I have felt so relaxed & comfortable during intimate moments….

Tamal’s bold and entirely original views make me take a step back and think, what is love? What is its place in our lives, in our marriages? How importance is intimacy, in case of relationships, or marriage?

What do you think? Let me know.

Like Tamal, do you want to feature on Love in India and share your stories and views with the community? Email me at sdasguptaaa@gmail.com.

Why Marriages and Relationships are like Apples and Oranges (Part 2)

In my last post I talked about three of the six major changes which couples need to anticipate when they take their long term relationship to the next level, namely marriage. These three are-

Discovering many minute aspects of your partner after marriage, which might be underwhelming to you and which you’ve had no chance to find out earlier
Marriage invariably brings loss of freedom – at least to some extent
Adjusting with expectations which the Indian Extended Families on both sides develop once you get married

Today we’ll look at the other three changes you should be prepared for before tying the knot.

Taking responsibility

One of the most important changes which people struggle to adjust to after marriage, is taking responsibility for yourself and someone else. Marriage means suddenly you’re not a kid anymore. You’re expected to build a life together, from scratch. And that involves everything from remembering to buy your daily groceries to taking joint decisions regarding buying your first home – things you never bothered about when you were on your own, even if you were in a relationship.

Photo by preety1996

There probably aren’t too many easy ways out of this one – apart from being mentally prepared. The more mature you are as an adult, the easier it will be for you to adjust after marriage. Train yourselves up for the change. Discuss it often with your fiancé. Try to form a mental picture of Life After Marriage. The clearer this picture is the better. In order to create this picture, ask each other (mundane and intensely boring but important) questions like –

“Do we need to buy a car? If yes, when? How do we need to plan for it?”

“How many vacations are we going to take every year? How do we decide the locations? What about the finances?”

“How are we going to manage our daily meals? Who’s going to cook? Are we going to need help?”

It’s not necessary to ask each possible question or to have answers to all of them up front. But the more questions you ask before marriage, the easier it will be for both of you to grasp and adjust to the realities after marriage.

Sharing your finances

Do you know that economic tensions or financial disagreements figure among the top five reasons people divorce, all around the world? Money is something most of us take very seriously because of the immense effort we have to put in to earn it. Sharing not only your finances, but also decisions regarding your finances with someone else is a thought which throws most people off balance.

Photo by 61@NO2

My take – get thrown off balance before you’re thrown out of your peace of mind when you reinvent the wheel after marriage. That is to say, like all other major changes, this change should also be handled through discussion before marriage.

Do you want to maintain your separate finances and pay for your own expenses?

Do you want to have a joint account for regular expenses with separate individual accounts for personal expenses?

Do you want all your finances completely shared?

Discuss these and all other questions regarding finances as openly as possible before marriage and try to find solutions both you and your partner are genuinely comfortable with.
If one of you is not earning (enough), the issue can become even more complex – it then becomes one of self-esteem. Even in that case discuss out the financial arrangement between the two of you (things like whether one of you is going to provide a monthly allowance to the other, or share your money completely, etc.) before marriage.

Could you be…taking each other for granted?

Another subtle yet important change which individuals complain of after marriage is a sudden drop in the level of attention they enjoy from their partner.
The reason of course is what I call The “Gotcha!” Syndrome. Even if you have been in a relationship for years and you were always very sure of getting married to each other, let’s face it – people break up. And it’s pretty easy. Compare that with marriages in India which are thought of as quite permanent and rarely break up – India has a mind boggling rate of divorce of ~1% (even though two of the major reasons for that could be the harrowing process of getting a divorce and the social taboo associated with it, if you ask me ;) ). So that means after your marriage, you’re really unlikely to leave your partner. This sometimes translates into a taken-for-granted attitude one’s partner after marriage.

The cure?

Well, the cure is to give yourself and your partner time to adjust to the new realities and to discover the new form of love after marriage. Empathy and communication are vital too. If you’re feeling neglected by your spouse after marriage, let them know. Make sure you’re setting the right expectations for each other. Needless to say, you can’t expect any improvement if you make this issue into a fight. Discussing it in a calm and mature way is key.
Often the solution lies in people realizing the value of true love, over external displays of attention – and that realization takes some experience. Certain behaviours could be natural in the context of a non-live-in relationship where you spend very limited time with each other every day, but impossible in the context of life after marriage. You need to realize that this seldom means loss of love. (That is to say – if you’re feeling neglected because your husband isn’t taking you out to movies every weekend, grow up!)

Did you face any other major change when you moved from being in a relationship to being married? Share your learnings with us through the comments. Have a nice day!

Why Marriages and Relationships are like Apples and Oranges (Part 1)

I had been in a (purely long distance) relationship with a (poor) guy for about six months when one fine Durga Pooja, we decided to get married.

Actually I had decided to get married long back. It was convincing him which took so long.

Gotta say, being in love & being married – entirely different ball games. Didn’t see that elephant romping in the middle of the room back then. A bit dumb, I know.

Photo by jcoterhals

Some of you have been in a relationship for a long time. If you think (like I did) that you know your partner and marriage will have nothing new to offer – think again.

My husband and I (and the two billion couples of the world) made mistakes. Hundreds of them. These mistakes taught us about the six pillars of change which separate relationship & marriage. I thought I’ll share our learnings with you in a two-part post starting today. Keep in mind that by “relationship”, I mean only non-live-in pre-marital relationships here.

Discovering them up close

When you’re in an aeroplane, the meadows and fields below seem all so green. If you walk on the same meadows though, you might find patches of rough hard soil among the grassy stretches.

Photo by jakebouma

Transitioning into a marriage from a relationship is a bit like getting out of that aeroplane and into the meadows – you’re bound to discover habits, beliefs, opinions, tastes, attitudes, dreams & philosophies of your partner which you won’t like and which you had no idea about. It matters little how long you’ve been in a relationship – sharing your home (including a bathroom) & your 24 hours with someone is very different from spending a limited amount of time every day/week with them outside your home. Differences in opinions on everyday basics like whether to have rice or roti for dinner, and whether to keep the windows open or closed at night – can become sources of uneasiness & irritation to either of you. In case of most couples, it’s these apparently inconsequential differences which accumulate over time, are brought to the fore during fights, & lead to straining of relationships.

Unbelievable I know.

And there’s no way of discovering these tiny bits unless you’ve lived under the same roof. It’s difficult to avoid surprises altogether , but the more conscious you are of this aspect of marriage before you decide “It’s time!” – the more mentally prepared you will be when it comes to discovering and making your peace with previously unknown aspects of your partner.

Loss of freedom (at least some of it)

A spouse is called a life partner for a reason. Sharing your life with someone means sharing your everything – your time, space, resources, family, likes & dislikes, dreams & decisions. And that is asking quite a bit. Unfortunately most people don’t realize exactly how much it means until they’re already into the melting pot of married life. Let’s start off small…

Are you up to cooking dinner tonight or you’d just have a takeaway pizza?

Should you go for a movie this weekend or to a picnic away from the city?

Are you open to move cities/countries for suitable career opportunities or you’re geographically immobile?

These are just some of the small and no-so-small decisions of your life which are suddenly not yours alone anymore.
Of course you can figure out answers to some of these before marriage, if you’ve been in a relationship for long enough. But the constant obligation of taking someone else into account (and believe me, it’s an obligation, and has got nothing to do with how much you love them – the more you love them the more seriously you take this obligation) in all your decisions – big and small – can be something quite daunting.
The big things – like life goals, children (whether, when, how many etc.) career, mobility – can, and should be discussed clearly before marriage. Don’t be like the couple who divorced within a week of their marriage after discovering that one of them really wanted children whereas the other really didn’t.

Here comes the great big Indian FAMILY!

Once you’re married to your partner, you’re part of their family. In the Indian context, you’re also part of their extended family.
These people were never in your life before (at least not so obviously & assertively) up till now. Suddenly there are too many people entering the equation between you and your partner.

Photo by jcoterhals

Your partner has expectations from you regarding how you treat their family (parents).

You have expectations from your partner regarding how he/she treats your family (parents).

Your family have expectations from your relationship with them in the new context. (Usually they’re disappointed with the decreased amount of attention
& time you’re giving them. Fortunately at least some of them are not vocal about it.)

Your family have expectations from your partner…

I’ll stop before you get terrified and leave this page. But that’s just the beginning of the complex network of expectations which suddenly come into play when a relationship between two souls suddenly multiplies itself into an equation among four parties!

Think about it. ;)

The best way to keep things under control is to set these multitudes of expectations right before marriage. If you’re going to live together, or spend significant amount of time with your partner’s extended family (read parents ;) ) after marriage, make sure you start meeting and spending time with them regularly well ahead of marriage. Use this period not only to get familiar with each other, but also to set each other’s expectations right. Nothing can be worse than you agreeing to certain norms, (say, to live together with them, permanently or temporarily) only to discover that it’s just not working, to the utter shock of you, your partner, and his or her family.

Now wait.

Those were only three of the six pillars of change I talked about – which happen between being in a relationship & being married.

Stay tuned for more causes of concern coming your way in the next few days. ;)
[Update: Read the 2nd part of the series here – Why Marriages and Relationships are like Apples and Oranges (Part 2) ]

In the meantime feel free to disagree strongly using the comments section. ;)