Relationship troubles – Page 3

20 Signs of Emotional Abuse in a Relationship – Part 1

Emotional abuse in a relationship is in many ways more dangerous than physical abuse. First, it doesn’t leave visible marks, making it impossible to prove to anyone. Secondly, the marks left by emotional abuse – the ones in your mind, that is – tend to take much longer to heal than those left by physical abuse of similar degree. And third, emotional abuse in a relationship is much less talked about than its physical counterpart, thereby making it difficult to diagnose, even for the victim. Here are some tell-tale signs that will tell you whether you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Emotional abuse in a relationship – Symptom #1. Fear

You feel so afraid of your partner that at one point you stop protesting anything they say. You avoid certain topics out of fear of annoying them. You’re sometimes forced to lie about your beliefs and intentions as you know if you’re vocal about your true feelings they’d torture you emotionally for hours.

Photo by dpgrneyz@yahoo.com

Emotional abuse in a relationship – Symptom #2. Long lectures

You’re having yet another argument. This time about something so obvious that you’re sure you’ll win this one – there’s no way someone can prove you wrong. Yet, your partner constructs an extremely long string of fallacious logic to prove you wrong, leaving you aghast.

Emotional abuse in a relationship – Symptom #3. Personal attacks

Whenever there’s a fight, your partner resorts to personal attacks instead of concentrating on the issue at hand. Instead of saying, “I think I’m doing more than my fair share of household work, I want you to pick up more”, they’d say, “You’re the most selfish person I’ve ever met.”

Emotional abuse in a relationship – Symptom #4. Self-esteem loss

They reinforce such negative messages about you so that your self-esteem erodes. They also keep hinting that they’re doing you a huge favour by staying in a relationship with you, because you’re simply unworthy of love. You’re forced to a point where you start believing there’s something deeply wrong with the person that you are start feeling grateful to your partner for loving you.

Emotional abuse in a relationship – Symptom #5. Self-doubts

He uses manipulative tactics to make you believe things about yourselves, others and the world which you’d never have believed in your right mind. They might even come up with specific instances (and connect them using fallacious logic, of course) to prove you’re mentally unbalanced. At some point you start doubting your own sense of reality.

Emotional abuse in a relationship – Symptom #6. Responsibility avoidance

Whenever you dare to protest anything your partner does or says, they torture you emotionally for hours. But whenever you try to hold them responsible for their behaviour they put the blame on you. According to them if it wasn’t for a crazy and difficult partner like you, they’d be the most mild, well-mannered person on earth.

Photo by Hayley Bouchard

Emotional abuse in a relationship – Symptom #7. Extreme jealousy

Your partner is jealous and hateful of every member of the opposite sex you’ve ever interacted with. They control where you go and what you do. They frequently check up on you. They might even force you to share passwords of your email, Facebook and other online accounts, all in the name of no-holds-barred trust between two people in love.

Emotional abuse in a relationship – Symptom #8. Two faces

They seem to have two completely different selves. They’re charming, entertaining, fun around their friends, colleagues and other acquaintances. They’re not out-of-control, they’re careful enough never to treat you badly in front of others. No one apart from you knows the truth about their abusive personality, making it extremely difficult for you to make anyone believe you when you try to ask around for help.

Emotional abuse in a relationship – Symptom #9. Eroding credibility

Not only is it impossible for you to get their circle of people to believe you, they make sure your own family and friends don’t believe you either. They tend to complain to people close to you about how difficult a person you are. They use biased instances to paint a picture of your relationship that makes even your closest people believe that they’re the oppressed one.

Emotional abuse in a relationship – Symptom #10. Emotional blackmail

They abuse you at every opportunity, but if you try to end the relationship they become very vulnerable. They might cry hysterically or threaten to commit suicide, making it impossible for you to leave.

Does your relationship bear these signs of emotional abuse? If yes, call for help right now.

We’d continue with the rest of the 20 signs in the next post, 20 Signs of Emotional Abuse in a Relationship – Part 2. Until then, share some inspirational stories of redemption from emotional abuse in a relationship by leaving a comment.

Long Distance Relationships: Top 10 Creative Ideas

A long distance relationship. That bitter-sweet pleasure of missing someone. That anger of not having them by your side when you need them. The joy of not having to tolerate each other all the time. OK, I’m just kidding.

Or maybe not. :P

The first step of making a long distance relationship work is to understand that it takes special efforts. Yes, beyond the daily call and weekly webcam session.

I once got talking about the 5 Basic Principles of a Long Distance Relationship. Today I thought I’d share some unique, creative, off-the-wall ways in which you can connect over the long distance.

Long distance relationship idea #1. Send a Hoochymail

Hoochymail is a cool little app that automatically generates love stories about the two of you when you input your name, a few details about yourselves like cities, specific physical features etc. You can then set the type of story (funny, sexy or really sexy ;)), choose from six different story titles and lo! Your custom Bollywood romantic comedy is ready for sharing with your long distance loved one.

Long distance relationship idea #2. Share an online journal

Start a personal blog together. Make it a private blog so that only the two of you can read it. Use it like an online journal. Both of you can have separate logins. Record your everyday experiences here in the form of short blog posts. I’m sure you can imagine the thrill of flipping through your “common diary” a few years down the line when you’re hopefully your relationship is not long distance any more. J

Photo by benchilada

Long distance relationship idea #3. Declaration of romantic intent

Send a legal notice to your partner, requesting immediate reply. Before you panic – I’m talking about a declaration of romantic intent. It’s a serious-sounding, menacingly formal-looking virtual “legal notice” for declaring your head-over-heels romantic intent for your partner. Nothing like spicing up your love story with a healthy smattering of humour.

Long distance relationship idea #4. Become parents

Oh well not really, of course. But here’s MorphThing, where you can upload photos (headshots) of both of you, do some work on them (as per site instructions) and they’ll morph the two pictures together to create a picture of your future baby. J When your significant other receives the baby delivered over the morning mail, I’m sure they’ll get the happiest shock of their lives (other than the news of real one coming by, that is. ;))

Long distance relationship idea #5. Your shared bulletin board

How cool would it be if you could have a private bulletin board which only the two of you could see and post messages to each other on? That’s what Listhings brings to you – a perfect plywood board background for the board to post your red/blue/yellow/pink sticky notes to. You can choose their sizes, positioning and of course – colours. One you’re done with your first sticky note, just click the “Share” button on top right corner and you’re on your way to creating your most memorable bulletin board. ;)

Long distance relationship idea #6. Love letters

Ah the good old snail-mailed love letters. In this age of emails and instant messages, the only thing you receive via snail mail is probably you utility bills. Imagine their delight when they receive a handwritten love letter from you instead.

Long distance relationship idea #7. You are your words

Done with writing that letter? Great. If you want to become a poet as well as an artist to your special someone sitting a long distance away, don’t stop yet. Head straight to You Are Your Words, which allows you to upload something you’ve written and your photos together so as to create a portrait of your face from your words. Your face, with your crazy feelings for your partner literally writ large on it – what more could he/she have asked for as a romantic surprise?

Photo by valordictus

Long distance relationship idea #8. Do something in-sync

What’s your favourite TV show? Find one that you both like and start watching it together. Call each other during the breaks to discuss your predictions on, “What happens next?” It’s as if you’re sitting side by side and enjoying an episode of your favourite sitcom together.

Long distance relationship idea #9.Take a free course together

You can try the same idea with taking free online courses together on fun topics like Spanish, animal behaviour, soap operas, street fighting etc. (if you’re bored with the “serious” topics like fundamentals of Physics, introduction to Philosophy etc., which are also available).

Long distance relationship idea #10. Send a Smilebox

Sharing your photos on Facebook is what everyone does. Simlebox lets you choose your own whacky, romantic, creative ways to share your photos with your special someone. You can upload your photos and create cool scrapbooks, slideshows, cards, collages, albums etc. out of them. There are hundreds of themes and design templates to choose from.

What your special whacky ways of making your long distance relationship fun and exciting? Share with us in the comments.

Q&A: How to Get Over a Devastating Break-Up?

Priya and I were friends. I loved her a lot. But she wanted a relationship. Gradually I fell in love too. I allowed myself, ‘cause she came across as an honest person who’d respect my feelings. But after only 4 months she broke up with me abruptly. Devastated, I begged for explanations but received none. Needless to say I have no words to describe my feelings in the months that followed, till I came to know that she had gotten engaged to someone else. I felt may be it was the lack of a formally spelt out commitment of marriage from my side which had broken her trust. To make up for this I confessed everything to my family and got my father to talk to her over the phone. I even invited her to my home to meet my parents (indebted forever to my parents for their understanding and support). She said she was embarrassed and of course, never came.

More than a year has passed since the break-up. At 25 I’m now an unemployed graduate. Sometimes I feel lonely – like I absolutely need someone in my life. I’ve tried getting close to other girls in recent times but whenever I start getting involved the past experience clouds my consciousness and keeps me from proceeding any further. I don’t know if it’s my bias or my bad luck – but whoever I meet comes across as less honest and commitment-worthy than I’d like. It seems having a boyfriend/girlfriend has suddenly become a pretty badge to be worn and flashed around – purely a show-off factor.

“Be positive”, and “one day you’ll meet the love of your life” are nothing but tiring platitudes to me now. I’m unable to find my strength and mental peace. Please help me.

– Dev

Photo by Heaven`s Gate (John)

First of all ,Dev, I think you’re approaching this the wrong way.

Stop “trying to find” love

You’re 25. Your “marriageable age band” hasn’t even started, going by Indian standards. Secondly you shouldn’t even let societal norms dictate your life at the cost of your happiness.

Why do you need to worry about finding someone now?? Always remember the time-tested cliché:

You can’t find love, love finds you.

Stop “looking for it” and “trying to find someone” altogether. Now is the time to concentrate on yourself. Take this time to enjoy your singlehood instead. Love will happen when it’s supposed to happen.

Now. Does that mean it always happens naturally like a bolt from the blue for everyone? If you look around yourself you’ll realize the answer is an emphatic No. But the time to worry about it is at least 5 years away, not now. And five years is a very long time, Dev. Today you have no idea about what your thoughts, feelings, beliefs would be five years hence. For instance if I meet the me of five years ago now, I wouldn’t even recognize her. ;)

The protective shell of emotional unavailability

Having said that, the reason you haven’t been successful in forming other relationships ever after your break up is because you have never been emotionally available ever since.

After we’ve suffered a heartbreak/any sort of emotional trauma, our heart goes into a protective hard shell. We withdraw ourselves emotionally; we come to a state where it seems we’re not able to feel emotions at all. I’ve myself been there so I know. Just as the body develops a scab on a wound to protect the raw skin underneath, the human mind, as its natural immune response, develops a hard, cold protective layer of conscious around its core emotions, ’cause those emotions are still too raw, too delicate after a devastative emotional bloodbath, so to speak.

But the good news is, just as a scab falls off on its own when the wound is fully healed, the mind heals itself and sheds this protective layer around its emotions in due course of time. You don’t need to put in any special efforts for it. But unfortunately emotional wounds take a lot more time than physical wounds to heal. In your case, even after 1.5 years they’re still not fully healed. And you need to wait it out till it happens. Like they say, there’s no cure other than time for your emotional bruises.

Breaking up and what it means

Coming to the emotional pain of your break up, it’s excruciating. I know that.

A break-up is a one of the types of a wide and deep range of disappointments one can experience in course of a romantic relationship. And tell you what – disappointment is an inevitable part of any relationship. We’ve all had our hearts broken in some way or the other in course of our love-lives.

Yes, it happens to everyone. And it’s an unavoidable part of growing up.

Think of people who fall madly in love, get married soon, only to discover that up close their spouse is an entirely different person than what they thought.

You would’ve heard of the phrase “Before marriage men are slaves, after marriage they become slave-masters”? Think of those women who’re intensely wooed by a hopeful admirer, who then becomes her starry-eyed boyfriend upon her reluctant and almost pitiful acceptance, but after marriage undergoes a chameleon-like change to become a demanding boss, so to speak!

Think of those who after twenty years of marriage discover that their spouse had been having sex with their cousin for the last five years?

Now do you realize how easy it should be for your to get over your ex?

Photo by meechellllle

Why your relationship was NOT what you think

You’ve only known her for 4 months. Sure, that doesn’t mean your pain is any less. In fact breaking up at such an early stage is what hurt you so much – because you were still in the initial heady phase of your relationship (called “limerence“). (Guess what – it has happened to me too! I know what the pain is like. Here’s my story: How I coped with being dumped and why that’s NOT going to help you.) But I urge you to appreciate the fact that in the long-term scheme of your life as a whole, you haven’t suffered any real loss.

You’ve not been in a relationship with her for long, so you don’t know if she was “The One” for you or not. (No. “Getting the feeling” that someone is “The One” basis a relationship of 4 months is not the real thing. Ask your married cousins and they’ll tell you – you get to know nothing about a person in that short a period of time, irrespective of what you might feel. There’s only one way to know if someone is The One for you and that’s through being in a relationship with them over years.) So there’s nothing to regret. Someone could have been “the one for you”, have not been and there will be hundreds of other options in the future. I know it’s difficult to dissociate your emotions from your thought process at this point, but when you grow up (no, you haven’t yet, at least not at an emotional level :)), one day you’ll realize this episode doesn’t really matter. It was too short, too insignificant to matter.

Focus on happiness

Always remember the following:

Life is too short to focus on anything but happiness. If it isn’t coming from one source, focus on others.

In this case other sources might include your friends, family, your hobbies, books you read, your everyday learnings from your job search etc. But focus on happiness, not one particular girl who you knew so briefly, who could have been a source of happiness for you, has not been and is hence not so important.

All the best and do write back whenever you want to share any pains/worries/concerns… anything at all. :)

Q&A: I’m Married but Can’t Forget My Childhood Sweetheart. What to do?

When I was in college I was in a relationship with a girl. It was the first real relationship of my life. We were together for five long years – right from 11^th standard till graduation. One thing led to another and we broke up shortly afterwards. Suffice it to say that we felt our life goals were not aligned.

Four more years have passed since then. I’ve settled down in a good job. I’ve also been married for almost a year now – to a girl I’d met at work and dated for less than a year.

Sometimes I feel I’ve made a mistake. I feel she was the love of my life (my childhood girlfriend from college, I mean). We’ve grown up together. We’ve spent our most formative years together. We were both part of each other’s families. She knows me more than my wife ever will. I feel I could give anything to rewind the last four years and go back to her.

It’s embarrassing to admit, but not a day goes by when I don’t think of her at least once. But I never contact her because I don’t want to disturb her life. (We’ve not kept in touch and I don’t know anything about her current life, apart from the fact that she’s alive – thanks to Facebook.:))

I wouldn’t exactly blame it on my wife. Her family was pressurizing her for marriage and hence we’ve gotten married without knowing each other for long. Of course there are gulfs between us which I’ve discovered after marriage. But we love each other and she’s quite dedicated.

What should I do?

-Shankar, Bangalore

Photo by Lightblb

Poignant question Shankar. Inside our hearts, many of us have been there and I’m sure all of us would benefit from knowing how others deal with it.

You think you’re telling me the story of your lost love, but I’m reading the story of a disillusioning marriage. It’s the disappointment with your marriage that is central to your emotions Shankar, not someone you’ve broken up with four years ago and haven’t thought about ever since.

Tell me honestly – would you have remembered her if your marriage had turned out to be exactly what you’d expected it to be? We both know the answer.

This might be disappointing, but let me state one of the hackneyed principles of life upfront – it takes a second to break something, but years to build it.

Your wife and you might have had an insufficient courtship, but you’ve still chosen each other – not had each other thrust down your throats like in arranged marriages. Moreover, in spite of differences you love each other and she’s even quite dedicated. You’re married – I hope you’re much more grounded in reality than a starry-eyed young romantic. Given that, are you even thinking of breaking something that’s in perfect working order? I’m sure you’re more mature than that.

So now that we’ve ruled out acting on your feelings, your immediate course of action is to understand them and to deal with them rationally.

Finding the grass on the other side greener is human nature. As you know only too well, if you let yourself fall prey to the kind of regrets you’ve described, it’ll become a never-ending, no-escaping black hole that’ll eat you up. Here are some points to consider.

Relationships change: First recognize that no one is perfect, and there will always be moments when you feel, “She’d have been so much better than my wife.” But hey, a relationship (especially a non-live-in relationship) always changes vastly after marriage, like I’ve discussed here: Why Marriages and Relationships are like Apples and Oranges (Part 1) and Why Marriages and Relationships are like Apples and Oranges (Part 2). And while you know what a relationship with her was like, you don’t know what marriage with her would’ve been like. Who knows – may be while living with her in your day to day life you’d have discovered a hundred tiny but obnoxious things about her which you don’t know today.

Photo by DaizyB

You broke up, after all: Someone had said, “The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was and the present worse than it is…” Don’t choose to overlook the negatives of that relationship which you consider ideal today. It wasn’t as perfect as you think. In fact, you broke up after being together for five years. Your “life goals were not aligned” then, right? What makes you think they’ll be aligned today?
People change: People change over time. You knew her then. You’ve been out of touch for four years thereafter. Trust me, you have no idea what she’s like today – what her thoughts, beliefs, aspirations are like. They may have remained the same as they were four years go, but they may have changed drastically. May be if you meet her today you’ll feel you don’t know her at all.
You change: In your case I’m more certain – certain that your needs and desires have changed substantially over the last four years, that is, going by the course of your life. You had certain needs then, which she fulfilled. May be you’re unaware of many other needs that you’ve now developed, which your wife must be fulfilling, at least partially. You don’t know if she would’ve fulfilled these new needs.

Think very carefully. Keep these points in mind. I’m sure they’ll help you think more clearly and make the right decisions in your love-life.

To all other readers – have you ever pined for a long-lost love? Feel free to share your story (anonymously if you like) in the comments section.

Q&A: My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want to Spend Quality Time with Me. What to do?

My boyfriend and I are co-workers. We sit next to each other at work all 5 days of the week. But we’re busy and we rarely talk meaningfully during work. Even when we’re not working, I’m always the first to text. He doesn’t even reply to all of them. We meet only in the evening on weekends. Whenever we meet, either his friends are around and he keeps talking to them ignoring me, or we go for a movie or he wants us to make out.

I’ve tried telling him how I crave some quality “us time”, but it seems that he’s just not ready to listen. However, he’s always there to help out when I’m in trouble and I know for a fact that he has feelings for me.

How can I make him understand that I need more warmth from him to keep the relationship going?

-Anonymous

Photo by Synamingirl

I’d be honest with you Anon.

One possibility is he doesn’t love you at all and is using you not only for sex but also because it ‘feels nice’ to have a girlfriend (major brag-worthy factor with guy friends).

The only reason that’s one of the possibilities and not the only clear conclusion is the fact that he always helps you out when you’re in some real trouble. That’s the only aspect of your relationship which doesn’t fit the textbook example of a guy using a girl mercilessly by taking advantage of her typical feminine emotional dependence on him.

You can see for yourself – your relationship bears all the red flags which point towards such a scenario.

In spite of spending the whole week sitting a few feet away from each other, you communicate very little during the week.
You rarely text/call.
You’ve tried to tell him that his apparent negligence hurts you but he’s “just not ready to listen”, which means he either doesn’t understand or doesn’t value your feelings.
He doesn’t want to spend time with you alone. There are always either friends, or movies.

Now throw into this mix the aspect of him helping you out when you’re in need.

You have mentioned his apparently negligent behaviour, and you’ve given lots of details and specific examples. You’ve also mentioned he’s always there for you when you’re in trouble. But you’ve not given any instances which made you feel so. That tempts me to think – are you sure you’re not seeing what you want to see here Anon? Are you sure the reason you’ve stopped short of mentioning specific examples of his kindly behaviour is not that they’re too trivial and your subconscious knows that?

Answer that for yourself and you’d know if the first possibility is really the case here.

The second possibility is that he loves you and cares for you but the two of you have vastly different emotional needs and skills. He’s a lot less emotional than you. While it’s true that guys usually need and provide less emotional contact in a relationship than women, but going by your description your guy seems to fall far below the threshold of “normal” even for a guy.

Photo by emersonquinn

In either case, your course of action is very clear here.

There’s one and only one step you need to take which will give you all the answers and bring about the change in your life that you need.

Stop showing your emotional needs.

You text him regularly. You crave time with him. You keep telling him how his negligent attitude hurts you. All that makes you come across as “safe” to him. Unfortunately, a bit too safe.

Stop all that. Stop texting him. Never call him. Pick up only every 3^rd of his calls (if he ever calls that is). Accept only every 2^nd of his weekend date invitations (if they can be called dates).

I know it’s going to be hard. But you have to do it.

Let me tell you a story.

I was with a highly negligent guy at one point of time. I was young, away from home and very dependent on him emotionally. When I realized I was in a destructive relationship I threw all my strength behind reducing my dependence on him.

When I had urges of calling him, I’ll call a friend/start watching a movie.

If he called me I’ll just plain let the phone ring and leave the room, ’cause I didn’t have the willpower to stare right at his name on the screen and not pick it up.

Just like you.

It wasn’t something I liked to do, but something I knew I needed to do.

Does that sound doable now? It has to.

This would achieve two very important goals:

#1. You’ll gradually wean yourself of your emotional dependence on him. Always remember:

A healthy relationship is a companionship, not a total dependency.

As I mentioned, men tend to be much less skilled in emotional exchanges than women. Research shows that when a woman reduces her emotional dependence on her partner, he’s highly likely to feel more drawn to her, ’cause this helps him see her as a complete and independent person, special for being who she is, rather than a burden of emotional clinginess to him. If he really does care for you, this approach is likely to turn a relatively unemotional person like him around and make him behave more warmly with you.

#2. If he’s in it just for fun, this approach is just perfect. He’ll most definitely sit right up and take note as soon as you start giving him about as much attention as he gives you. And when he does, waste no time in making it clear that you’re not trying to teach him a lesson for ignoring you, but just working on yourself. Once you’ve done that, he’ll either recognize you for the special person you are and start giving you the importance you deserve or gradually slip off your life. In either case, you’ll have a better life.

All the best.

Q&A: It Seems that My Wife and I are Losing Connect Due to Stress. What Should I Do?

Q:My wife and I live in Mumbai. We have been married for three years. I’d met her online when I was in college. We had been in an almost purely long distance relationship for five years before our marriage. Currently I’m in quite a drudgery of a corporate job – running 9 to 9 each day. But I’m ambitious and aim to break free of this life of slavery. Hence I’ve taken up a few projects outside of my job which my wife is also involved in.

The reason I write to you is – of late a never-ending ennui seems to have settled down in our relationship. We’re both stressed. Life’s demands stress us more. We tend to fight and find faults a lot. And we make up by going out for a movie, shopping, coffee etc. Then again go through the same cycle.

I remain really busy with my work and other stuff. I know she really wants me to spend quality time with her. I try to do that but sometimes I myself feel like even though I’m physically present with her, mentally I’m somewhere else – worrying about my work, other ventures etc. Most of the time even if I try I can’t relax and be fully available to my near and dear ones. Is there any way of getting out of this rut? Please help.

-LK

Photo by Greatist

A: You and your wife are childhood sweethearts – you met at a time when you were both college kids. Full of life. Newly-gained freedom. Young-adulthood. Aimless happiness in your head. Dreams in your eyes.

… And the enigma of distance in the story of your sweet love.

Cut to today.

You rush. From morning to night. Behind the same unexciting things.

You smile at the same boring people.

You don’t like what you do.

You get stressed by it.

Way too much of your life is spent on the sustenance of life itself (which is, earning money and your corporate job), and not on living it. Life feels futile.

This makes you frustrated.

Life is not nearly like you imagined it. And this makes both of you disappointed, confused, even mildly shocked, deep inside.

You both develop coping mechanisms – each your own.

This is where your disconnect starts.

To put it simply:

Your lives have gone through a huge change between when you fell in love and today.
Each of you has developed your own individual coping strategy to deal with this change.
In this process your priorities have diverged.

This is what is giving rise to the apparent distance and lack of understanding between the two of you today.

Add to that the fact that you’ve taken on entrepreneurial projects. This has three implications.

These demand a major portion of your time and energy, thereby leaving out less time for the two of you to spend together.
At a mental level you’re highly involved with these projects and you want a lot out of them. She sometimes falls short of your expectations.
Third, and most importantly – these are very, very close to your heart. Maybe sometimes at an emotional level you’re so involved with these, that you have a little less focus on your family life. You have mentioned even if you’re physically present with your wife, you’re not always mentally available.

LK – the fact that you’re so serious about reviving your relationship shows that you love her really, really a lot. And that’s the reason you will succeed in getting your relationship back on track.

How?

First things first. Let’s start from the roots. As we both know, the root here is – mental stress.

Photo by Manahil Qureshi

You hit the nail on the head when you said you can’t relax and be fully available to your near and dear ones. You see the root of your problem?

She obviously senses that. Deep connection nurtured by quality time spent together is central to her emotional needs from you. Your constant stress is making you more and more unavailable to her and giving rise to a gap – between her needs from her spouse and what her spouse is able to provide.

You know very well that quick-fixes like gifts, movies and a coffee outside are just that – quick fixes, and not solutions.

The solution obviously is – reducing stress in your life.

How do we go about that?

Here are a few simple steps that you can start with:

Be more organized with your time. Every night make a list of all your tasks for the next day and make a simple plan of at what time you’ll do which task.
Meditate and do breathing exercises every day for just five minutes. Not more than that. Just five minutes of your time every day.
Let go. Choose happiness. Drive your life, don’t be driven by it. The root of stress is feeling drawn in two or more different directions at the same time. Let’s say you’re with your wife. You want to spend quality time with her but you’re also feeling guilty inside for not spending the same time on your entrepreneurial projects. This is being driven by life and its necessities. This gives rise to feelings of not being in control, which is the root cause of stress. But what we often miss is the fact that we’re always in control – if we take the control. In this situation, for example, driving your life instead of being driven by it would entail asking yourself, “I’m spending time away from my work. That constitutes opportunity loss for my business. At the same time I’m spending time with my wife which is deepening our connection. Will it make me happier – either in the short term or in the long term – to work on my business than spend this time together? If yes, I should now go back to work. If no, I should forget about work and make most of our time together.” It’s important to remember that there’s nothing wrong with choosing either of these options. But you need to be conscious of the fact that you have these options; the fact that it’s not like “I have to work and I also have to spend time with my wife!!” It’s like “I have two options and I choose which one to take based on my own happiness.” The second puts you in control of your life rather than putting your life in control of you.

I hope that has helped you think more clearly and consciously about life and relationships.

Go through this discussion. Think about it clearly, and let me know how this works for you.

With the best wishes for your life and happiness,

Sulagna

Help! My Parents are not Agreeing to My Marriage!

I belong to caste A, my boyfriend belongs to caste B. We have been together for two years. None of our parents are OK with an inter-caste marriage. But we are unable to live without each other. Our parents take the reactions of their relatives and neighbours way more seriously than our feelings. They’re telling us about the loss of face in their respective societies that they’ll have to suffer if this marriage happens. His parents even want dowry which my parents are unable to provide. How can we convince them? Please tell me. We want to marry with those precious blessings only and we’re ready to wait till we get them.

Here’s the actual comment from Shrivalli.

Photo by keeping it real

On the average I get about three such queries every day and they make me sad and angry. Very angry.

I feel – what in the name of God are we doing to our younger generation? How can some dogmatic parents have so little regard for the happiness of – not a random guy on the street but – their own child!

Boys and girls (and don’t demand to be called men and women. If I could find the me of your age somewhere I’d have called myself a baby. Well, on second thoughts there are people who’d still call me a baby and their number is more than two, but I digress again… ;) ). In my experience of talking to, consoling and counselling scores of young people like you, I’ve observed that there are three golden rules of dealing with parents who are real tough nuts to crack, and I thought I’ll lay them down today, fuming as I am.

Have you noted that I said “dealing with”, not “convincing”? You’ll soon find out why.

Rule #1. Your life belongs to YOU.

Not your parents, not your spouse.

You’ll never make everyone happy. Take it from me – it’s rarely possible.

Of course the first step is to try to convince your parents. And you’ll do that to the best of your abilities. However, if it proves impossible, you need to take a stand – one way or the other.

If you have to take a stand that involves sacrificing someone’s happiness for someone else’s, whose happiness will you choose?

Surprise! Surprise! The answer is – yours.

Be very clear in your mind.

It’s not about choosing your boyfriend or girlfriend over your parents. It’s about choosing yourself over everyone else.

Let’s face it – life is all about making choices. Making choices that make you happier. Not happy, but happier, than making any other choice.

Will it not make you unhappy to irk your parents by marrying against their wish? Of course.

Will it not make you unhappy to say goodbye forever to the person you love?

Of course.

Be selfish and choose the option that makes you the least unhappy, and then let go.

How? Read on to find out.

Rule #2. If someone’s paying for your food, you’d better do as they say

If you’re financially dependent on anyone, you can never be fully free. Period. It’s a sad fact and it’s time you stopped burying your head in the sand.

People facing pressures from their parents are usually young people just starting out in their careers. In most cases they’ve either not started earning, or are still financially partly dependent on their parents.

Photo by starush

If neither you nor your boyfriend/girlfriend is earning – work on that before working on anything else. If your parents are paying for you, you’d better do as they say. I’m sorry, but there are no ways of going against reality.

Does that mean money is the only language that you can use – even with your closest family? No. But it gives you the mental strength and confidence to even believe that you can make your own decisions. And you have no idea about the power of that belief.

Why? Go to Rule #3 for that.

If between the two of you you’re earning an amount which won’t allow for the maintenance of the same standard of living you currently enjoy – well, that’s a call you need to take. Again, you need to choose the option that makes you the least unhappy:

Option #1: Embark on a radically new life. A life with the man/woman you love, a life of absolute freedom, but one which offers drastically lower levels of material comfort than you currently enjoy.

Option #2: Decide that you won’t be able to adjust to the above reality of a reduced standard of living and say goodbye to the man/woman you love.

There’s nothing wrong with choosing either of these options.

I repeat – There’s nothing wrong with choosing either of these options.

Keep the guilt and the emotions out temporarily. Get your head clear. Make a rational, practical and well-thought out decision, and prepare yourself mentally for the consequences. Don’t go into a hailstorm of remorse when those consequences become reality, because you know that you can’t have it all and you’ve made the best decision.

Rule #3. Cost-benefit analysis always works

This world works on cost-benefit analyses. The costs and benefits can be purely emotional. That analysis might happen in our minds entirely unconsciously. But it’s a rule of Nature that it happens. In fact it’s crucial to our survival.

Let’s take the example of your parents’ decision of allowing you to marry your girlfriend/boyfriend.

Decision	Benefits for your parents	Costs for your parents
If I say “Yes”	My child will be happy.	I might lose face in the community due to the marriage being inter-caste.
If I say “No”	No loss of face in the community.	My child will be unhappy.

I think it’s very clear that their child’s happiness – while important – is not a determining factor for them so far as this decision is concerned. (Otherwise why on Earth would they deliberately want their child to get married to someone other than the one they’re already deeply in love with?)

Now put yourself in your parents’ shoes. Is it looking very compelling to say a “yes” at the cost of losing face to the community?

Probably not.

Now look at this one:

Decision	Benefits for your parents	Costs for your parents
If I say “Yes”	My child will be happy.	I might lose face in the community due to an inter caste marriage of my child.
If I say “No”	My child will be unhappy.	My child will get married to their girlfriend/boyfriend, leave home and cut off contacts with me. Hence I’ll lose face in the community.

What does that look like to you now?

I know countless inter-caste couples who have tried to convince their parents, failed and then gone ahead to get married anyway, leaving their parents’ home.

You know what?

In 100% of the cases, the parents’ accepted them within one year of getting married.* :)

Blackmail? So be it. If that’s the tried, tested and fully working method, please help yourselves. ;)

All the best. :)

*[Update: As pointed out by some readers, this requires some clarifications. When I say “100% of the cases”, I mean 100% of the cases that I know of. Going ahead with your decision is not a guaranteed way of turning your parents around, but the best shot you have at it.
In my opinion, if they don’t turn around and decide to disown you forever – well, that’s the best proof of your decision having been the correct one. ;)]

“Should I Break Up?” The ONE Question You Need to Ask

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. Over the last eight months or so we’ve spent more of our time together fighting than doing anything else. Something seems to have changed, but I don’t know what. Sometimes I feel I never understood him to start with and this relationship has been a colossal mistake. Should I break up?

Photo by Love is the key

Pooja from Thane is not alone. All relationships hit lows, and we’re often kept guessing which ones can be worked out and which ones can’t.

“Should I stay and work it out, or should I break up?” If you’ve ever been in a relationship, that question has probably crossed your mind more than once. Today’s post is an exploration of that question.

Fortunately, there’s just ONE question you need to ask yourself to know exactly what to do. That question is:

“Is this relationship giving me what I need from it?” You stay only if the answer is, “Yes.”

But what does it mean to “get what you need from your relationship”? Here are the top four indicators.

#1. Is communication easy? Even during fights?

One of the surefire signs of a fulfilling relationship is ease of communication.

All couples fight.

During fights, do they call you a “&*^%”, “^$$#”, “****”?

Or they catch you completely off-guard every time by throwing your shortcomings – which you confessed to them at a vulnerable moment – back at you in a cruel way?

Do they shout their lungs out?

Or they catch you completely off-guard every time by citing incidents from the past which apparently annoyed them, but they never told you at the time?

Fighting, and making your displeasure clear to the other person is natural. It happens in every relationship. You fight, but even when you fight you don’t have any problem understanding each other (even each other’s displeasure).

But if you feel manipulated, baffled and accused in completely unexpected ways all the time, there’s a communication gulf between the two of you. Somewhere you don’t understand each other, each other’s language, each other’s thoughts, expectations and needs.

If you don’t understand them, you’re most likely not fulfilling them.

#2.Does their vision of the future look alarmingly different from yours?

On one of those rare occasions when you’re not fighting and yet talking, they announced their dreams of living and working in different countries throughout their career.

Your heart sank.

You remembered how you whispered into each other’s ears your dreams of settling down back in your quaint little hometown, in the initial days of your relationship.

Photo by Gizo

This isn’t sounding like the old him/her you knew. Somewhere along the way the needs and wants from life have changed – their, or yours.

A relationship is not about one of you fitting into the other’s journey. It’s about figuring out your journey, and finding someone who shares it. More or less. So, if you have very different needs from life as of today, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship.

#3.Whenever you’re alone with your partner, do you wish other people were around?

Communication has broken down, and you’ve come a long way from each other. Emotionally. The alone-time you both so looked forward to is now something you both dread. Alone-time now looks like nothing more than an opportunity for Apocalypse-time.

You don’t have anything to talk to each other about. If you try, it ends in an argument.

You’re judging each other all the time, waiting for signs in their behaviour which validate your newly formed set of negative expectations.

If you prefer being with others more than with each other, it’s time to assess things very carefully.

#4. Are you always critical of each other?

His mannerisms come across as obnoxious to you. He looks at you and thinks, “I could get a so much more beautiful girl.”

Worse – you compare each other with others. In your mind, of course.

Even worse – you try to change them. You well-meaningly suggest how they should become a better person.

And before you know it this has led to yet another nerve-racking fight.

Forgiveness thy name is love. All of us have flaws. But if you’re in love with someone you’ll look past them – even find them cute. And so, if irrational displeasure at almost everything your partner is and does has crept into the relationship, it’s more a sign of the relationship wilting than some real new shortcomings you both have magically developed.

There are dozens of signs – small and big – to look for, when it comes to deciding, “Should we think things through once again?” Over to you…

The 5 Main Challenges of an Inter-Religious Marriage and How to Overcome Them

About two years back I’d written a post on intercaste couples. Recently someone asked me whether there are any challenges specific to inter religious couples apart from the ones already discussed there. Let’s look at that in today’s post.

Photo by Sephiroty Fiesta

What’s religion?

Unlike a caste, a religion is a way of life. A religion has far deeper and broader effects on how you lead your life, how you think, how you perceive others etc., than castes. The challenges of inter-religious couples are therefore a lot more complex, running a lot deeper. After some research and analysis, I could finally boil down the often not so easy to define range of possible challenges of inter-religious couples to these fundamental five.

Lack of support from friends and family: According to sociologist Lynette Clemetson, the relative lack support that inter-cultural couples might receive from friends and family in the initial period of their relationship, can give rise to trust issues between them later which makes the relationship difficult (Clemetson, 2000). The same is applicable to inter-religious couples also. I’d suggest you take time to understand each other fully, gain confidence in your commitment and only then introduce each other to your families, so as to earn more of their support.
Challenges understanding each other: As you know, a religion is a way of life. For example, I’m a Hindu – I’m used to seeing idols worshipped every day in my home. If you’re a Christian this might come across as blasphemous to you. Religion shapes everything from lifestyle (consider the strict vegetarianism practised by Jains), to philosophy of life (think Muslims having their own legal code). Two people coming from two different religious backgrounds, thus, need to make extra efforts to understand each other. Fun activities like picking up a children’s book on the history of each other’s religions, or participating in religious holidays can be powerful first steps in the lifelong journey of overcoming such barriers.
Patience and acceptance: There are always moments in an inter-religious marriage when differences in beliefs are probably really irresolvable. Such situations are inevitable. It’s not always easy to think outside the box you’ve lived in since birth. Being conscious of such a possibility and having the patience to accept differences and yet love each other for who they are is crucial for success of the relationship.

Photo by Marriage Bureau

Children: The most challenging aspect of inter-religious marriages is probably handing down beliefs systems and life philosophies to children. However all religions have the same values and spiritual aims at their core. It’s the practices and traditions which differ. You need to inculcate this basic understanding in your children early on and help them see each of your religions as just one more way to spiritual enlightenment. If you as an inter-religious couple can do it right, your children have the potential to grow up as more aware, more conscious people than children of same-religion marriages. The inter-religious family will also help them develop a truly open outlook of the world and treat human beings as human beings, irrespective of their caste, creed, race and religion.
Parents: Some of you might think this should’ve been my first point, but I’ve deliberately moved it to the last. On the basis of my own experience I believe that in terms of gravity, outside challenges to a relationship can never even compare to the challenges any couple faces between them, to make their own relationship work. So far as your parents are concerned, you’ll convince them. Here are a lot of strategies to get that in line: Convincing Parents for Intercaste Relationship.

Are you in an inter-religious relationship? Do you know someone who is? What’s your experience of the joys and pitfalls of such a relationship? Make use of the comments section to let others know.

“Does He Love Me???” How to Stop “Needing” the Wrong Guy

Note to all the sweet guys out there: Today’s post is a pure girly chat. It’s about how we think. It’s about our fears, weaknesses and wrong notions which sometimes make us wonder, “Does he love me?” (In other words, make us pick the wrong ones among you. Sometimes.)

So for those of you who’re looking for some show-me-the-money hands on relationship advice for yourself, you can skip this one and go straight to How to propose your girl, How to impress your girlfriend, What gifts to buy your girlfriend on her birthday and if you’re married – All the anniversary ideas you’ll ever need in your life.

For the rest of us, on with it…

Scene 1:

You: He’s not picking my calls. He didn’t even call me on Valentine’s day. Does he love me at all???

That’s it. I’ve had it. I’m going to break up with him. I’m not going to call him or return his calls anymore. And I’m not going to meet him. Ever.

Photo by uıɐɾ ʞ ʇɐɯɐs

Scene 2:

He calls you.

You let it ring.

He messages you.

You don’t want to do anything over the top. So instead of remaining silent you send in a matter-of-fact reply.

He calls again.

You let the phone ring and leave your room ’cause it’s a little difficult for you not to pick up the phone when he is calling you again and again. But your heart starts nudging you, “Does he really love me? If not, why is he wasting so much of efforts to contact me?”
He calls again the next day.

And again your stupid heart goes, “May be he does love me. May be I’m being too harsh on him.”

In the meantime he calls again.

Too much for you.

He: Hi honey…so sorry I couldn’t call you for the last one week…I was a little busy you see…actually I was out of station…oh didn’t I tell you? So sorry darling…What do you mean I wasn’t replying to your messages? I never received any! To hell with these network operators…Oh you called me? Really? About twenty times? My God! I had no idea…May be I was in the restroom when you called…Yes you’re right…I should’ve seen the missed calls…but I somehow didn’t notice…believe me darling…What?? You even started asking yourself, “Does he love me at all??” … Oh come on! What do you mean I don’t really love you? Is that possible? Ever?…And no. I wasn’t trying to avoid you or anything…how can I? I so enjoy sleeping with you….I mean being with you…I really love you honey…you’re my everything…You can’t imagine how eager I was to meet you and talk to you…it’s just that this stupid deadline…anyway… why don’t we meet up tonight? Oh come on…you’re not telling me that you’re too busy to meet me. I know you love me. I know you can’t hurt me like that, can you? You’re the sweetest person I’ve ever met…why play these little games? You know we’re made for each other and are going to be together forever…Silent? I take it as a yes. 8’o’ clock then?…

So you meet up. And you spend the night with him.

Then you call him next day just to tell him how happy you are just to be with him.

But of course you can’t reach him at the time. So you call again later. And again. And again. Then you say to yourself, “ That’s it. I’ve had it. I’m going to break up with him. I’m not going to call him or return his calls anymore.…”

You keep going through the same cycle of events again and again. A million times. Every cycle ends with you eventually giving in.

You can’t say ‘no’ to him.

Even though you know he didn’t return your calls because he wasn’t feeling like wasting time on you at the time. Even though you know he didn’t call you for one full week because he was busy flirting with other (newer) girls at the time. Even though deep down you know you’re less important to him than his dog, you ask yourself (again), “Does he love me?” and then con yourself into answering that as a “Yes”.

’Cause you love him.

Or so you think.
Well, let me give you the good news first – you don’t.

But as a matter of duty I have to give you the bad news also – you need him.

Aren’t they the same thing?

Well not really. True love doesn’t mean being completely dependent on someone emotionally. Since you are, it can mean one or more of the following things:

You feel lonely.

You don’t have any real friends.

You live away from the people close to you and feel lost.

Everyone’s got a boyfriend and so you need one.

(If you’re Indian) You’ve been in physical relation with him, so you’re afraid to call it quits.

…

Rings a bell? It should. ‘Cause it’s you I’m talking about.
Things only have the meaning that we give them. If you think you’re not strong because you’re alone (or ‘because of’ any other reason), you’ll remain weak. If you think your inner strength is not a function of your external realities, you’ll remain strong.

Photo by susan_mck

Things also assume the importance you give them. If you think you’re weak and you need a guy in your life to feel strong, you’ll remain weak and keep on being used by the wrong people. Again if you think your strength is not a function of having someone in your life, you’ll be amazed to find yourself feeling strong all the time. I’m not lying. You can check it out for yourself if you can really make your internal state independent of the (unimportant) people in your life.

Change your internal dialogue from, “I’m strong because I have him in my life” to “I’m strong because I’m me.” If you’re really courageous you might even say, “I’m strong and calm because I’ve decided to be strong and calm.” Only when you’ve cultivated the inner strength and calm, you’ll stop needing the “someone-something-whatever” people in your life. Only then you’ll be ready for real love.

Try that for the next one week and check out the results for yourself. Believe me, once you’ve found strength and calm inside yourself you won’t let go of it ever!