Relationship troubles – Page 4

How I Ended The Stressful Fights in My Relationship by Throwing Logic Out of The Window!

Shubho and I used to fight like dogs.

Yes. Shameful but true. Those maddening evil games would go on for hours, especially in weekends when we seemed to find nothing better to do. When our jobs seemed to bore us to death we’d even pick up the phone and start the gymnastics.

Like all addictions, this favourite sport of ours also quickly started taking its dark toll on our mental and physical health. I guess I would’ve gone completely insane (which is the ultimate nirvana of all addictions anyway) but fortunately or unfortunately the me in me stopped me before I got there. Or did it? Only you can tell. ;) But for the rest of this post I’ll pretend that it did.

So like I was saying, one day the me in me (some call it survival instinct, but I was never good with big words) said No. This was hard, as you can understand, given that I have a bit of a history with anger addiction too. But something in me decided I’ll not fight anymore, because I can’t afford to.

That’s when I realized how we were constructing unnecessary Abysses of Logic and drowning ourselves in them.

That’s when I came up with the Deflection Technique.

Today I want to tell you about this ONE basic crucial concept of conflicts in a relationship and how you can use it to stop the silly fights in your relationship from building up.

The Abyss of Logic: The fuel to fights in a relationship or marriage

What’s an abyss of logic? Let’s take an example.

Jane: “Why haven’t you watered the plants?”

John: “Look who’s talking? As if you haven’t forgotten to pick up the groceries for two days in a row now!”

A possible way in which Jane can reply to this is: “Yes I’d forgotten to pick up the groceries, but we already have enough supplies, so at least there was some back up. On the other hand if you continue to neglect the plants they’ll soon die – there just isn’t any back up option.”

As you can see Jane has moved away from her simple complaint about John not watering the plants to a relatively more general issue of whose mistake poses higher risks to the family.

In answer to this, John might say: “Jane. Are you trying to say your silly little plants are as important as our basic needs like that of food?”

Now this discussion has gone to a completely new level. John has attacked something very close to Jane’s heart – the plants – calling them unimportant. This would hurt Jane emotionally and she’ll start screaming and you know the rest.

This is what I call the Abyss of Logic – the use of logical arguments one after the other to defend one’s position in a fight.

Why is the Abyss of Logic dangerous?

Silly fights in a relationship don’t occur because one person is “right” and the other is “wrong”. They usually occur because of things like minor annoyances partners cause each other, silly frustrations they take out on each other etc. So basically it’s about releasing that momentary stress. That stress might well have been built by something your partner has done. But when you lash out at them ask yourself – are you doing this to set right whatever they did wrong? No. The reason behind your immediate action is your stress, not whatever your partner did. Hence assimilate the following fact once and for all:

The only objective of fighting is stress relief.

Photo by Ed Yourdon

However, the irony is that the moment you attack your partner you create more stress – on them. They then try to release it by attacking you back. But as rational beings, we humans tend to take a more sophisticated approach to relieving this stress because we don’t want to admit that we’re just following an animal process of stress relief by fighting for the sake of fighting. We pretend we’re having a logical discussion. The moment we combine our animal need of stress relief with our human rationality we make the ultimate mistake. Once we make this mistake a fight can go on forever – the more opposing arguments someone is faced with the more stressed they are and the more they attack the other person in order to release that stress. But when they do their human tendency kicks in and they fashion yet another perfect logical argument as ammunition for the attack. Thus the vicious cycle of fighting in a relationship or marriage continues.

How do you magically dissolve the fights in your relationship or marriage? The “Deflection Technique”

So how can you escape this abyss? By not letting the logical steps to build. I call this the “Deflection Technique.” Remember this:

If you want to resolve the fights, throw logic out of the window.

Counterintuitive as it may sound, the more logical approach you take to the fights in your relationship, the deeper you’ll fall into the abyss and into nervous stress.

Let’s look at how Jane and John could have applied this technique to resolve their silly fight.

Jane: “Why haven’t you watered the plants?”

John: “Look who’s talking? As if you haven’t forgotten to pick up the groceries for two days in a row now!”

Jane: “I wasn’t saying anything about the groceries, John. I was just asking what could be the reason why you haven’t watered the plants.”

Note how Jane has effectively deflected the build-up of argumentative attacks by refusing to respond to an attack which was made on her.

Now. Of course it’s possible that John will in turn refuse to respond to Jane’s accusation. But if Jane applies the Deflection Technique consciously and consistently, she can dissolve the fight under any circumstances. Here’s how:

Jane: “I wasn’t saying anything about the groceries, John. I was just asking what could be the reason why you haven’t watered the plants.”

John: “And I wasn’t saying anything about the plants. I was talking about the groceries.”

Jane: “It’s ok. My objective is not to fight with you about the plants or the groceries. I was only expressing my disappointment over the fact that they’ve not been watered. It’s not that big an issue. It’s ok.”

Note how Jane has now completely eliminated any chances of the evil logical build-up. She’s once again refused to be led on by John in the direction of a blame game. At the same time she’s also shown restraint and maturity instead of obstinacy, without being forced to apologize. John won’t give up on his point. If Jane had also chosen to go for a tit-for-tat reaction of holding on to her own, this would have blown up into a long and stressful argument. Instead she’s used the Deflection Technique consistently in order to dissolve the fight.

And that’s what I do nowadays whenever we’re faced with a potential conflict, irrespective of who started it.

You can too. ;) Try and let me know how it goes by leaving a comment. J

“Matrimonial Businesses Promoting Casteism Will Soon Find Their Existence Questioned,” Sanjoy Sachdev, In My Exclusive Interview with Love Commandos

Mandeep had found Lata through a common friend in Facebook. She was a student, and he worked in technical support. After two months of online chatting, he called. One more month and there they were – meeting each other for the first time at a coffee shop in some town towards the north of the country. Within the next few months Lata had got her phone confiscated by her family. They had found out.

Lata’s family tried to lure her with the hope of getting married into a rich family, but she was adamant. Her boyfriend was the only one she was ever going to marry.

Determined to escape and create a life of their own, they called the Love Commandos.*

Meet the Commandos – a group of aging journalists and businessmen based in New Delhi, who provide protection and legal assistance to couples who dare to choose each other over the diktats of their families and clans. They operate a helpline for couples under threat and requiring assistance. On receiving a call the volunteer Commandos rescue the couples and provide them temporary shelter.

I was fortunate enough to find an opportunity to chat up with the Love Commandos leadership. Here are some excerpts:

Sanjay Sachdev, Chairman, Love Commandos, Photo by Mandeep Gulia

How did Love Commandos start? What was the inspiration behind starting it?

Sanjoy Sachdev, Chairman: We had gone to Tees Hazari courts in Delhi. It was a case of son of a friend of Mr. Sonu Rangi (Presently our Commando Co-ordinator), who was in jail on charge of Rape. The girl had deposed before the magistrate that she was in love with Sanjay (accused) and even refused to undergo medical examination. She had stated that the relation was with consent but the Delhi Police had under the pressure of the family of the girl put the boy behind the bars.

We argued the case and got him bailed out the same day. We were assisted by Advocates Mr. Vinit Jain and Mr. Sanjay Kumar. While on way back Mr. Sanjay Kumar, advocate Delhi high court suggested that we should do something to stop crimes in the name of honour, as we have been having Valentine peace Commandos (helpline for couples under pressure from families and needing assistance), for 15 days a year since 2001.

After reaching back we were discussing the proposal in our core team of activists when a call from a journalist Mr. Rajiv Tyagi (Then working with Mid Day Delhi edition) came and who wanted to know our reaction on Khap dictats. We said that soon we would be converting our valentine day helpline to 24X7 helpline for lovers to combat and counter fundamentalist and orthodox dictats of Khaps and other such elements. It was while answering his queries that Mr. Harsh Malhotra (presently our Chief Co-ordinator) said finalized the name Love Commandos along with the helpline number.

It is worth mentioning that Mr, Malhotra has made a world record in Love by marrying his own wife six times.

Have you ever had any negative experience of your own related to any marriage against the advice of the family?

Sonu Rangi, Commando Co-ordinator: None in the members of the core team had any such experience. I’m proud to say that our parents never considered it necessary to obstruct our freedom of choosing our respective life-partners.

With the social pressures Indian rebel couples usually face, you must be receiving a considerable volume of calls. How are you handling it logistically?

The Mid Day Delhi story I just mentioned was reused by NDTV and Dainik Jagran on July 5^th 2010, followed by many other TV channels and newspapers. As media coverage spread the message of the Love Commandos all across the country we started getting a huge volume of calls, starting with 7000 calls the very first day, as against our expectation of 100/200 calls a month! As you might have guessed – we didn’t have the logistical capacity to handle that kind of volumes in the beginning. Gradually we put together a network of attending the calls on same number on 12 lines by using call forward when busy to other numbers. It was getting too expensive for us. Now we have got CUG system from Reliance (As all numbers are in the 93 range), and thus been able to get operational costs (relatively) under control.

Two years into our operations we were also lucky to meet Vinay from gandhig.com who who offered us a free website which is still functioning as our official website www.lovecommandos.org. The website has been instrumental in spreading our message not only in India but to the entire international community.

Love Commandos provides food, shelter, protection and legal assistance to runaway couples. Financial challenges must be there…

In this country you may find hundreds of people donating money in the name of religion but it is tough to find people doing the same to protect the freedom of the youth.

Harsh Malhotra, Chief Co-ordinator: We are under heavy debts. We have sold out our belongings to run the Mission because in this country you may find hundreds of thousands of people donating money in the name of religion but it is tough to find people doing the same to protect the freedom of the youth of this country. We are grateful to the Journalist community. Media people, film and documentary makers from India and abroad have all contributed financially to our cause and that’s how we could maintain our operations till date. Couples who feel strongly about our cause have also extended help from time to time. Most of the couples we’ve supported are still in the process of settling down and getting their lives in order. We hope they also come back and help us whenever they’re ready.

We request the couples to bear the expenses of their lawful marriages, registration (if desired), legal applications (generally no fee is charged by our lawyers), official process for protection or rescue etc. But in many cases we end up supporting this process partially or fully, as the couples are often financially unprepared. Shelter, food, medical assistance, beddings and sometimes even clothes are totally free and are provided by us.

The couples manage cooking and cleaning of the shelters themselves, giving them an atmosphere of home away from home. They get both affection and scolding so that they can realise the difficulties of life in future.

What's your operating structure like?

Harsh Malhotra, Chief Co-ordinator: Our network of volunteers is our backbone. We have no formal structure, no records as we are missionaries, not clerks. Anyone willing to become a volunteer can fill in a simple form at www.lovecommandos.org or send an sms with his or her name and address to 09313784375.

When we get a call we search in our computer or manual records and call volunteers from the area. So far we have 11,00,000 plus intending volunteers all over the country but as we have no resources to get such a huge number of forms printed and posted there are no records.

Our experience has been that each and every volunteer had rushed at the cost of his or her life to save couples and that signifies victory of Mission Love for me. We feel that the youth needed a voice and we have become the instrument for that.

Love Commandos provides assistance to couples marrying against their families’ preferences. I understand that a large part of these couples were not accepted by their families because of being intercaste. Are there any other types of social rejection of couples that you’ve seen in your work with Love Commandos? How is each type of challenge/risk different (intercastevs inter religion vs any other type)?

Sunil Sagar, Commando Trainer: General problem is of inter caste and inter religion. However some gotra, near relative, distant relative, financial position, educational status, total opposition to martial freedom from families have also been causes and it has always been more difficult to handle such situations.

Have you ever faced opposition to your operations from clans/police/other bodies?

Govinda Expert Commando: Yes it’s very common. We have heard that many clans have announced rewards on the heads of Mr. Sachdev and Mr. Malhotra totalling to over 10 Lakh. However we never care about such unlawful opposition and continue to fight for justice to Lovers. What we do is to support the law, not to oppose it, and we’re thankful to Central Delhi District Police for always helping us do so. We are also thankful to NCW in many cases.

I’ve read mostly about relatively less educated couples from the so-called lower strata of the society seeking help from Love Commandos. Are there similar cases you’ve handled with couples from educated, so-called better off backgrounds too?

We’ve even had MBAs, doctors and sports personalities of national fame deprived of marital choice and asking for our help.

Harsh Malhotra Chief Co-ordinator: You would be surprised to know how many. We had engineers, doctors, advocates, professors, policemen, government officials, bank officials, MBAs and BCAs, MSW, sports personalities of national fame, people with families of political background, people with families of judicial background, rich people – all come to us for help on facing opposition to martial choice. Many of these cases have been reported also. We can’t talk about specific cases as we honour the privacy of the couples.

Love Commandos has completed almost three years in operation now. Have you noticed any shift in the way people think about marital choice?

Sanjoy Sachdev, Chairman: India is changing. So far as marital choice is concerned, it’s clear that the youth want a casteless society. But Rome was not built in a day and there’s a long way to go before we start seeing any real change.

In the Indian popular culture – starting from Bollywood to music to literature – we’ve glorified love and freedom of marriage for ages. Yet when it comes to real life the general attitude towards these issues seems to have remained largely unchanged over decades, across social and economic strata. Why do you think the regressive outlook towards marital freedom is refusing to let go of its stronghold in the Indian society?

Children are considered property and female children more so.

Harsh Malhotra, Chief Co-ordinator: Children are considered property and female children more so. But I’m convinced that the youth of India is rising and Love Commandos is proud to lead the change they want.

Today we’ve online-ized the whole process of choosing one’s life partner and then matrimonial websites give you options to choose castes for potential partners. On the other hand Bollywood movies glorify so-called traditional outlook of life and marriage and K-series TV serials exalting arranged marriages gain wild popularity. Do you think intolerance towards sexual/personal freedom is making a comeback as “cool” in today’s Indian society?

There will come a day when you will find such promoters of casteism finding it hard to support their existence.

Sanjoy Sachdev, Chairman: Films and serials are a face of the society and all stories are taken from goings on in real life. I’d say that’s the reason all hit films tell love stories. As far as the matrimonial industry is concerned – they are profit-making entities and have no option but to sell what customers demand. But the youth believes in love and I’m sure given a choice most would desist from such sites or advertisements. I’ll go on to say that there will come a day when you will find such promoters of casteism finding it hard to support their existence. Sexual and personal freedom is guaranteed by our great constitution and by Hon’ble Supreme Court, and it has to be honoured.

When a boy can choose the leaders of the country at 18 by casting his vote why can’t he marry at the same age?

However our laws are still male dominated. Like the one which says that the minimum age for marriage for a boy is 21 as against 18 for a girl. In my opinion it should be 18 for both. When a boy can choose the leaders of the country at 18 by casting his vote why can’t he marry at the same age? Indian Majority Act says a boy of 18 is major but Child Marriage Act says that till 21 he is a child whereas a girl of 18 is major.

I would urge the youth to come out on the streets against such discrimination.

What are your thoughts on how we should go about stopping honour killings at the grassroots level?

Sonu Rangi, Commando Co-ordinator: Only awareness can do so, not administrative measures alone.

What are your thoughts on how we can create a culture more tolerant of personal choice in marriage across social and economic strata in India?

Harsh Malhotra, Chief Co-ordinator: The onus lies on the youth. The youth has to be committed to protecting their own freedom and if they’re in love they should say so with pride. They should never succumb to the pressure and emotional atyachar of parents, families or so called society and should work for a new social order which exalts love, not vilify it.

What is your vision for Love Commandos?

Sanjoy Sachdev, Chairman: We are a voice for the youth as is mentioned in our theme song. We’ll continue to support and protect the freedom of the youth. We believe that love shall conquer the world one day.

What message would you like to leave for the Love in India readers?

Prem Ka Vikas Ho, Premi Premikaon Main Vishwas Ho, Prem Virodhion Ka Naash Ho, Garv Se Kaho Hum Premi Hain

Kyonki

Pyar Karna Paap Nahin Hai Aur Virodhi Hamara Baap Nahin Hai

Because

Jo Premion Ke Saath Chale Ga Woh Vishva Paar Raaj Karga

Yane

Naya Sawera Ayega Premi Samaj Layega

Isiliye

Dunia Bhar Ke Premi Premikao Ek Ho

Lovers Unity Zindabad

*Names and other particulars changed.

Control Your Anger Like I Did, Before It Destroys Your Relationship – Part 2

Good morning penguins! In Anger Control 101 – Part 1 we looked at how you can prepare yourself mentally for controlling your anger when it starts building inside you. We also discussed a few steps you can take to control your nerves and your actions even after you’ve already started feeling angry. Today we’ll look at further steps you can take to calm your nerves after a moment of angry excitement, and also some long-standing habits you can develop to cultivate a mental state that will help you gain more control on your emotions, including anger.

Let’s get started.

Photo by James Wong JH

C) Aftermath: Relaxing can prove to be difficult even long after the real waves of wrath have subsided. Here are a few things you can do to help yourself after the moment of crisis has passed.

5. Calm yourself: I used the following steps to calm my anger.

a) Keep a hilarious joke book in your bag at all times. Reading this can make you control your anger and feel better instantly. But just make sure it’s not average. An average joke book will only irritate you more at a time when you’re already not yet back in control of your anger.

b) Treat yourself like a child. Tell yourself, "I'm not angry. No. I'm NOT angry." Say this so as to make the child in you believe in it.

D) Looking into the future: So you’ve set the ground, got yourself a few tools to beat some sanity into yourself when facing anger control issues, and also planned a few steps to tackle the aftermath? Now what?

Now you need to train yourself for creating a calm and deep mental state which helps you gain more control over your emotions in general and anger in particular, on a permanent basis.

6. Cultivate a habit of reading regularly: Join a good library. Simply sit and read for at least half an hour, if possible every day. Even if such time commitments are not possible for you, make sure you go to your library on “those” days, when an anger control failure incidence occurs. Reading great works – especially non-fiction – opens the whole world up to you and if practiced over time, it gives you a sense of inner depth which you can always reach into, when you need it. Remember, the author of a great work is a special human being – far nobler than the petty ones you encounter in your day-to-day life. So unlike them, he’ll not give you any reason to feel angry. ;)

Photo by tukunkayu

7. Learn something new: Try this when nothing else works. This one always works, as the enthusiasm of learning something new always pips anger control issues. I once faced this horrible scenario when I kept seething even the next day after the “anger incident” and just couldn’t get my anger under control. Unable to find a way to calm myself, I started with some online language courses, and you wouldn’t believe this – I couldn’t find any traces of anger within me after just half an hour. (Ciao tutti! I'm still at it! ;) )

I personally used each of these techniques and as a result I’m free of anger management and anger control issues today. I’m sure these methods will work for you too.

What are the other anger control tips and tricks that you use? Let me know by leaving a comment.

Control Your Anger Like I Did, Before It Destroys Your Relationship – Part 1

It was Aug. 2006.

My (now ex) boyfriend and I was in a movie hall, watching SRK’s latest release (or was it Hritik’s?). Some loutish guys among the audience made a few rude remarks about me.

I hit the roof. He followed me anxiously as I stormed out of the theatre.

As soon as we were out I hit him.

Twenty hard slaps on the cheek.

The idle loiterers of the area had a field day I guess.

No wonder we’re not together anymore.

Photo by Fadil Basymeleh

Having spent four delirious years as a victim of raving anger handicap before starting to cure myself, I can tell you – anger is good. Yes you read that right. It’s an essential tool in the survival instinct kit which Mother Nature packed with us while sending us off to ~~school~~ life. What’s sick though, is what I was – under absolute control of my anger, like addicts are controlled by drugs. You’ve probably guessed that it wasn’t adding any particular positive value to my life, especially my relationships.

If inability to control your anger is ruining your relationships, I know how you feel. You don’t feel any of the strength and menace they see in you.

You feel helpless.

When you’re not being controlled by anger you feel shocked and broken to see the disaster around you, the scars in the hearts (may be bodies) of the people you love more than yourself. The irony is, that you doesn’t know this you. Not having much control over your anger makes you feel like a hapless victim, not a dangerous perpetrator.

But relax. There are solutions. Here’s a 12 step anger management strategy which I put together and used to bring my anger issues largely under control. To make it easier, I’ve broken it down in the following four stages:

A) Preparing the ground:Ways to mentally prepare yourself to be able to control your anger.

B) On the ground:How to control your actions when your anger starts rising.

C) Aftermath:How to come back to normal after an outburst.

D) Looking into the future:Long term strategies to get to a mental state which helps you gain better control over anger.

It’s going to be long, so I’ll talk about the first two stages of anger management today, and pick up the other two in the next post. While I’m focusing mostly on people with clinical or near-clinical anger control issues, you can use these methods any time you struggle to control your anger.

A) Preparing the ground: Your inability to control your anger is in your mind. You need to see it the right way before you even aim for tackling it.

1. Know your problem: Have you done an assessment of your own anger to determine if it’s different from normal?

The red flag of anger sickness (as compared to normal anger which all of us experience from time to time) is that out of control and helpless feeling you get in the depths of your mind when you’re angry. If you do things when you’re angry which you wouldn’t believe you could do when you’re in your senses – chances are you have a serious issue with anger control here. Other related symptoms of anger problem include trembling limbs, increased heartbeat, sweating – you know them all.

2. Take a decision to solve it: If you’re like me and you’re reading this, you’re probably struggling with this crucial step. You feel (as did I) that your anger is justified, and your “victims” should “pay for their sins”. Changing this mindset is usually a challenge because guess what – you’re often right. We all know that fairness is like fairy tales – it’s not real (well, mostly), and barring your near ones, the people who are bearing the brunt of your raving mania probably deserve (at least some of) it. But as you know, lashing it out on them is going to bring more harm to you that it’s going to bring to them (Remember what happened the last time you went mad with a colleague when they conveniently took credit for your hard work?). What I used to do is always remind myself of the fact that I’m not the only one receiving a bad deal in this world – I’m one of the 7 billion. Each and every human being on this planet has been through the glorious and the excruciating, the perfect and the unacceptable. This realization always helped me control my anger and calm myself down in the rave moments.

3. Ask for help: Once you’ve acknowledged your anger management issues and have taken the bold decision to tackle them, explain it to your partner, your family, your friends – all your near and dear ones who are affected by it. You know you’ll be a different person in “those moments” and they wouldn’t know how to help you control your anger. So explain to them beforehand what help you need from them.

In my case what used to work like fuel to the fire was any sign of confrontation or talking back from the other person (egomaniacal I know). I begged for help from my closest people, explaining to them how my success in controlling my anger depended totally on them and how if they could overcome their own natural tendency of talking back when I was having one of my rages, it could go a long way in helping me. I requested them to say something loving and soothing instead, and that worked wonders for all of us.

B) On the ground: The above steps will help you prepare yourself to avoid crazy scenarios as much as possible. But what to do when they do occur?

Photo by BDlighted

4. Turn your mind away: The slightest signs of that seething feeling building inside you and look for the nearest way out of the situation. The best thing is to leave the scene as soon as you can. If that’s not possible (think your boss giving you a piece of his mind) just turn yourself off mentally. Move your focus to something different. Here are some suggestions:

a) Good ol’ deep-breathing: I know you think (like I did) that something so simple and easy can’t work when it comes to controlling your anger, but guess what – it does. It’s as simple as taking 10 seconds to inhale, holding your breath for 5 seconds and then exhaling for 10 more seconds. You can repeat it as many times as it takes to calm your mind and nerves (and trust me, it will).

b) Think of something funny or sweet. Feel free to start with nursery rhymes.:P

c) Name-calling: No, not out loud. Call them a funny name in your mind and visualize them transforming into that physical object (How about a big fat 'dirtbag' shouting at you?). Amusement is like magic when it comes to controlling anger.

Another good ol’ technique – counting from 1 to 10 – has never worked for me, unless I was deep-breathing while counting.

That’s all for today. In the next part of this series we’ll look at what you can do to calm yourself after a total-anger-control-failure incidence, and the long term habits you can develop to keep anger control issues at bay permanently.

Update: Here’s the second part – Control Your Anger Like I Did, Before It Destroys Your Relationship – Part 2.

11 Proven Ways to Keep Your Relationship as Fresh, New and Exciting as Your First Date

If you’re in a steady relationship for a long time, chances are you’ve faced those inevitable periods of ennui and tedium that we all have – when there seems to be nothing new, nothing exciting and nothing fresh in the relationship anymore, when you both feel you know each other too well to discover anything new and exciting about each other, when the relationship feels more like a habit than a connection of the souls of two people in love.

If you’re looking for a way out of this relationship rut, here are 11 proven strategies to work your way out and make your relationship as new as your first date.

How to keep your relationship fresh, new & exciting

Photo by Epsosde

#1. Surprises Introduce Excitement in Relationships

A few days back when I returned from a vacation with my parents, my husband took me completely aback by meeting me at the airport (taking half a day off from work, poor thing). Going out of your way to make them feel special usually goes a long way in rekindling the feelings of excitement in the relationship.

#2. Romantic Texts and Ecards Make Your Relationship Feel New

Remember those first three months when you used to send “I’m sorry” and “I miss you” ecards to him/her every three and half days? And the sugary “I love you”s and “You’re looking cute today”s beeping on your cell phone every 10 minutes? Bring them back – nothing’s stopping you. Sending romantic ecards randomly every once in a while (NOT on special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries – that totally kills it!) is a juvenile expression of excitement – and your relationship needs just that. So get busy on your first one for free, and start exchanging silly texts while you’re at it.

#3. Go Out on Dates for A Feeling of Freshness in Your Relationship

Remember the excitement and anticipation you used to feel while waiting for him/her on your first few dates? I bet you miss that feeling. Why not fix up a date sometime in a restaurant/park? The feeling of anticipation while waiting for seeing them will be worth it. Remember, during the date don’t talk about work and your usual everyday things – be a bit romantic, imaginative and fun. It’ll be a date which will last much beyond this evening and will spread warmth and freshness in the relationship.

Photo by R.Elli

#4. A Quick Word of Praise Makes Him/Her Feel New in the Relationship

Whenever you find sparks of those special qualities which initially drew you to them – praise them. This doesn’t mean thanking them for something they’ve done (like helping you with shopping, doing the chores around the house etc.). It means a genuine praise for qualities that they possess – beauty, intelligence, a caring heart – anything that makes them unique, and that you like about them. Appreciating them for these qualities shows that you still admire them and find them special. This goes a long way in keeping the spark alive.

#5. Doing Something Together Makes Your Relationship Exciting

Have you taken up a new hobby together? Do you have a little joint project which belongs only to the two of you and no one else? If not, take it up now! Creating something new together gives you something common to care for, thereby strengthening the bond between the two of you and working the excitement back into your relationship. Starting work on this website and blog together has brought me and Shubho closer than we’d imagined. It has helped us take our relationship to the next level.

#6. Conversations Keep Your Relationship Fresh

Sweet nothings are great for the first month of your relationship. After that you need to find common topics to talk about, though. Job, school or everyday life become hackneyed after a while. Engaging each other in a meaningful conversation about topics of common interest enriches both of you, and enlivens your relationship. My husband and I debate (and fight ferociously) about everything under the Sun all the time – from politics to movies to blogging!

#7. Getaways Spice up Your Relationship with Excitement

Outings – even small picnics – help break the monotony of everyday life and brings that breath of freshness and excitement back into the relationship. A physical change of your everyday settings provide an opportunity for connecting afresh. Especially if you’re leading a suffocating high pressure city life, you’ll find a weekend picnic to the countryside gives a fresh lease of life – to you as well as your connection with your partner.

#8. Having a Social Life Keeps Your Relationship Fresh by Breaking Monotony

Don’t spend all your time only with each other. After a certain stage in a relationship it’s easy to feel claustrophobic if you have practically no one in your lives except each other. Actively form a circle of common friends and have frequent get-togethers. This will help take sameness out and kick freshness into your relationship.

#9. Spending Some Time Apart Makes Your Relationship Feel New

Are you feeling bored in each other’s presence? It may be time to take a vacation – only not together. Take a trip with your buddies/girlfriends or visit your parents/relatives. Spend a few days away from each other. You’ll be surprised to find how much you miss the person you thought you were getting bored of. Giving yourselves an opportunity to miss each other works wonders in re-nourishing your relationship.

#10. Change Hangouts Frequently to Retain Freshness in Your Relationship

Don’t go to the same restaurants/hangouts always. It increases the sense of sameness and drudgery. Shubho and I tend to make this mistake ’cause we’re kinda running out of new hangouts that we like (so at the moment we’re concentrating on #7 instead).

#11. Find Innovative Ways of Connecting & Freshening up Your Relationship

Finally, nothing is final. The ways I’ve outlined above are only to get you started with new ideas for freshening up your relationship. Invent your own ways of reconnecting and try them out. Don’t forget to share them with me in the comments, though.

“Love Rejection” – A Complete Guide for Dealing with Rejection in Love

It was Dec. 2001.

I had a mad crush on this tall, dark, handsome school cricket team captain (don’t laugh). Somehow I’d managed to (ahem ahem…) get the message across to him through my best friend and yes, earned my first “love rejection” (as Indians call it, which means rejection in your love life). That’s right – my fourteen year old heart and all the tossing and turning emotions in it had just been rejected by the hero of my dreams.

Photo by Chandelier Motion Pictures

Yes I was hurt (a bit) on having earned the first rejection in my love life.

Sounds familiar? I bet.

If you have a love life – if you’ve ever fallen in love, proposed a girl or asked someone out on a date – it’s likely that you have faced, and are going to face many moments of “love rejection” in your life.

Rejection in love hurts and it’s real

What is rejection in love?

“Love rejection” doesn’t only mean being turned down for a date (or relationship). It also includes the everyday feelings of hurt and disappointment we feel when our expectations in the relationship are not met by our partner. From being cold-shouldered while trying to impress your girlfriend, to major relationship issues like infidelity and break-ups also give rise to feelings of rejection in our brain.

From a psychological perspective, rejection (particularly social rejection) is experienced by your brain because of some sort of deliberate exclusion – from a group, activity, level of intimacy, information or communication.

Photo by PinkyTurtles

Does rejection in love hurt? Self-help books and experts might claim that it shouldn’t, offering up one or more of the following self-help myths as explanation:

Myth #1. It’s possible to “choose to be happy”, regardless of what’s happening around you, ’cause happiness lies inside us.

Myth #2. Seeking inclusion or approval by others is a sign of weakness and should be overcome by loving yourself.

Myth #3. In order to have happy and fulfilling relationships, you need to first train yourself to be happy alone.

Unfortunately, if published research in the field of psychology is anything to go by, none of this is tenable.

As per Prof. C. Nathan DeWall, PhD, of the University of Kentucky, in order to function normally, human beings need strong, healthy relationships as much as they need food and water.According to Prof. Eisenberger from UCLA, one of the most prominent figures in the field of psychological research on rejection, the responses rejection (including rejection in love) causes in the brain is the same as the reaction caused by physical pain.

How to handle “love rejection”

So are you destined to bear all the pain of your rejection in love without any analgesic?

Fortunately, you don’t have to. You can’t pretend that the pain of “love rejection” is not real, but when you feel rejected in love is something you can control. Here’s a proven 5-step strategy to do just that.

Step #1. Acknowledge our differences

Do you know that there can be roughly 7 billion different versions of any given situation in this world?

Shocked?

That’s simply because no two people in this world experience exactly the same reality in any given situation, and there are about 7 billion people in this world. So there, you have it!

Naturally, the way your girlfriend/partner/potential date/crush looks at life is different from the way you do. Therefore it’s not only possible, but in fact probable that their response to any situation will be rather different from what you expect (in other words, what you would’ve done if you were in their shoes). If you’re one of the this-is-how-they-should-behave-because-that’s-what-I-think-is-right people (like I was), then it’s time for a reality check. The first step to avoid feeling rejected in love when it is not due, is to acknowledge this simple fact that each person’s reality is different.

Photo by Just a Toddler

Step #2. Brainstorm possible outcomes

Why do people feel rejected in love? Because they expect to be accepted.

What is expectation? It’s a certain possible outcome of any situation which you have in your mind.

We, human beings have a tendency of visualizing only one possible outcome of any given situation. And when the reality doesn’t match it we feel let down, betrayed, rejected. The rule of thumb that I’ve taught myself to minimize unwarranted feelings of rejection in any situation is, instead of envisaging only one possible response (from anyone), I force myself to sit back and imagine at least two possible responses, one of them compulsorily not-so-positive.

Step #3. Support each possibility with reasons

I also mentally construct all the possible reasons why each outcome should occur.

Let me give you an example. Let’s say, you’ve proposed your classmate. Don’t expect that she’ll accept you (in which case feelings of “love rejection” will quickly set in if she doesn’t), but don’t expect a rejection either (in that case you’re bound to be reeking of under-confidence when you propose her and she’s bound to reject you anyway! ).

Tell yourself, “There are two possible end scenarios. First, she could be happily accept me as her boyfriend because I’m an intelligent, honest and caring person (enlist whatever reasons you can think of, but have at least 2-3 of them). Second, she might also not want to get into a relationship with me because at the moment she might not be ready for any romantic relationship at all, she could be already interested in someone else, or she might be looking for some specific traits in a potential boyfriend which may be different from the positive traits which I possess.”

Step #4. Be objective

I think you realize that this reasoning exercise serves two purposes. First, in any situation it forces you to objectively picture both the positive and negative scenarios, thereby preparing you sufficiently for any outcome other than your desired one. Secondly, it also makes you look at the possible negative outcome very objectively, which helps limit personalization of the negative outcome which we all tend to do. So for example in this case, you’ve identified three possible reasons which might lead to a rejection-two of which don’t involve you at all. However you’re also remaining realistic and true to yourself by including one possible reason which is related to you. Even then you’re maintaining your objectivity by emphasizing to yourself that it’s not about whether you’re “good enough” for her or not, it’s just that what she wants and what you have are not the same.

Step #5. Rejection in love is not about you

This brings me to the most crucial part of dealing with rejection successfully, which is about totally avoiding unwarranted feelings of rejection (there are plenty of real rejections around you already, don’t make it up). Often you (and I, and most other people) tend to look at a situation as a rejection when it is not. We humans have a painful tendency to take anything negative way too personally.

As the earlier example will show you, rejections in love often have little connection with whether you’re good enough for someone or not. It only means what you offer is not the same as what they need. Look at it as the lid of Box 1 not fitting Box 2, simply because the two are not made to fit each other, rather than for the not being “big enough”, or “small enough” for the box.

Next time you encounter feelings of rejection in love (and trust me, there’s always a next time, ’cause life’s like that) apply this 5-step strategy and you’ll find you’ll be way better off in dealing with “love rejection”. You might even be able to use to constructively to create a better you. :)

Are you expecting too much from your partner?

At some point of time or the other in your life, you have wondered whether you’re expecting too much from your partner. Motivational coach & speaker Craig Harper observes that often we make too much of our expectations, starting to believe them to be the moral standards others should adhere to. And through this we cause pain and heartbreak to none but ourselves, especially when it comes to our expectations from the person closest to our heart. Other people never hurt us through their actions – we hurt ourselves by comparing their actions to our expectations.

Photo by PBS PressRoom

A 3 step process…

If you look at your significant other, what do you see? Ask yourself – why did I fall in love with him (or her)? List down all the reasons. Also, list down all the flaws you see in them now – all the hurts they’ve caused you. As a next step, try to explain why you felt hurt by a certain action/behaviour.

But you’ve already listed down why you felt hurt – she was rude (or lied/didn’t help with the housework/didn’t give your family as much importance as you’d like/doesn’t share your political views/thinks your favourite game is crap….put whatever she/he does that puts you off…), that’s why. Right? Wrong.

Feeling anything is a three-step process, not a two-step one. I call it the Expectation-Action-Reaction, or the EAR framework in which humans experience emotions.

The EAR framework of human reactions

Here’s how it works.

Step #1: Expectation. The root of any positive or negative feeling is an outcome vis-à-vis our expectation. This is pre-existent in our mind, resulting of a complex blend of our beliefs, attitude, culture, background, conditioning…etc.
Step #2. Action. Something happens. Let’s say he/she behaves rudely with you.
Step #3. Reaction. You react according to the below formula:

Your reaction = Action – Expectation

Thus, your reaction is a function of both the action, and your expectation, and not the action alone. Also, as is clear from the formula, your reaction will be positive or negative depending upon the action, as compared to the expectation.

So should you stop expecting at all?

Photo by simone|cento

Now go back towards the start of this post. You’d listed down all the good attributes. So should you change your expectations from your partner? Should you not expect anything from them at all?

Craig, in his post, concludes, “the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour”. So his point is that the variable Expectation should basically be a moving average of all past Actions, and hence is likely to “follow” the variable Action. This would mean the difference, i.e. your Reaction remains close to zero. Perfect recipe for a peaceful life!

Only that, it’s not. I’m a diehard fan of Craig and his blog, (and I think he belongs to the oxymoronic species of honest motivational speakers) but I don’t quite agree with this last bit. Well, not completely.

The only way you can stop expecting anything from your partner is if your love dies. True, the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. True, if you have been hurt too many times too badly you have the right to protect yourself emotionally by limiting your own expectations. But as soon as you tell yourself, “she’s going to behave in x way always”, you limit all future possibilities for your relationship.

What’s the solution?

Remember you listed down all the reasons you fell in love with them? If you’ve followed my suggestions, by now you’ll also have all his/her Actions & your Expectations noted. Now look at them closely. Is there any correlation between your expectations and why you fell in love with them? You probably won’t find any.

Love your partner for who they are. Consciously remind yourself of the special person that you fell in love with. Stop projecting the “ideal them” (according to you) on to the “real them”. Tell yourself, “I love Jane (or John) for their qualities x, y & z which are unique. And I don’t blame them for not possessing qualities a,b &c, ‘cause they are not as important as the uniqueness of my spouse/partner for which I love them. I will continue to love them for their unique qualities x, y & z and that’s all I’m concentrating on.” Consciously leave all expectations aside. Be prepared for them to continue to behave in the way the’ve always behaved, but keep an open mind for the future. Concentrate on why they make your life special, and leave aside what they don’t give you (as yet).

You’ll find more often than not, you’ll start living the change you want to see.

Long Distance Relationships: 5 Basic Principles

June 2009.
I was about to leave for IIM Ahmedabad in a few days.
And my then boyfriend and I were both immersed in oceans of tears.
With young people becoming more ambitious and willing to move cities for work/studies, long distance relationships and associated challenges are becoming increasingly common. Here’s the first instalment of a series on long distance relationships.

Photo by punctuated

1.Acknowledge

The first step to make a long distance relationship work is to really understand and acknowledge the fact that it takes special efforts. If, for example, you and your significant other are college classmates and are meeting each other every day, by default you hardly need any extra efforts to keep the relationship going. The situation changes dramatically as soon as the relationship becomes long distance. Most long distance relationships which fail are the ones where the couple fails to realize that the situation has changed and they need to do something about it.

2.Communication

You have to talk to each other every day, for at least 30 min/1 hour. It might seem too long to some of you. But it’s important to talk for a long time, as people don’t open up until they’ve talked for some time. The initial 5 minutes of a conversation are often spent in hi-hello-‘how’re you’s. If you don’t spend at least 30 minutes you won’t know about what’s really going on in the other person’s mental world, the concerns that they have, what they really feel about you etc. We unknowingly waste a lot of time watching TV, surfing the Net and reading other people’s status messages. If you think you genuinely don’t have 30 minutes per day for your boyfriend/girlfriend then this is probably not the right time for you to have a relationship.

Photo by Foxtongue

3.Visit often

It’s essential you visit each other as often as your time and budget permits. Talking over the phone for five hours a day can’t make up for face to face communication. Because communication is not just words. Nothing can make up for actually looking at the eyes and the smile of your loved one. Same for them.

4.Learn to trust

When a relationship becomes long-distance it becomes a testing ground for something essential to the success of the relationship-mutual trust. If you’re the suspicion-obsessed ever-interrogator, a long distance relationship is a great chance for you to learn to let go. Letting go doesn’t mean deciding not to concern yourself with whatever your boyfriend/girlfriend might be doing. It means accepting the fact that they have a life of their own and you can’t always get to know whatever is going on there. Don’t get neurotic if they don’t pick up one call of yours or doesn’t reply to your messages immediately.

5.Being there

You’re in a relationship, right? You’re their support, inspiration, shoulder to cry on. You have to be there for them when they need you. You can’t be too busy for that. If they’re going through difficult times, they should feel completely free to call you first.

In the next instalment we’ll talk about activities you can engage in to liven up your long distance relationship. Till then, share your experiences of handling your long distance relationship with us by leaving a comment.

5 Tips to Handle Intercaste Relationships

Caste-the blade that has driven deep scars across hearts and lives.
Caste-the poison that has split families.
And caste-the knife that’s drilling into your soul every moment: “I’m an XYZ. But he/she is an ABC. Now what?”

Photo by Kjunstorm

When I sat down to write this post about intercaste marriages and relationships I was really not sure what to write. I personally renounce castes completely and utterly, so I can’t write a “pros and cons” type of article on anything related to the caste system in India. It’s like trying to pen down the pros and cons of being racist against blacks. So I’ve decided to help people in intercaste relationships convince their parents of their decisions. Without taking more of your time, here goes.

Be prepared

Prepare yourself before you go in for The Discussion. Anticipate the concerns your parents might have regarding your intercaste marriage. Write them down one by one if possible. For example, they might fear adverse reaction from relatives, or they might believe that intercaste marriages don’t work or that children of intercaste marriages face problems. You must anticipate these and have counterarguments prepared.
Your parents will probably react emotionally when you first tell them that you want to get married to someone from a different caste. NEVER react back. Losing your cool is never an option if you’re hoping to convince anyone of anything. Calmly request them to articulate any specific concerns that they have. Use your preparation to talk the matter through with them at this point.

Evidence always works

Take time to research as many examples as possible of happy intercaste couples and unhappy same-caste couples among your friends and acquaintances. Use these while discussing your relationship with your parents. Try to pin down some reasons for the success or lack of it between these couples and explain how none of these reasons could be connected to caste.

Photo by Sara Björk

Back to the basics

This point is a bit extreme, but it works because sometimes in our folly we’re unable to see what’s right in front of us.
Turn to history. Remind your parents why the caste system was originally started-for classifying people belonging to different professions. In today’s world this basic reasoning behind the caste system has zero significance since majority of the people belonging to different castes have not continued in their “caste-professions”. And so, caste as a way of categorizing people has lost basis. Do more research. Cite examples of people like Dr. Meghnad Saha who have proven the baselessness of caste lines by doing things totally outside the identity boxes they were “cast” in.

A helping hand

Turn to that cousin/uncle/bhaabi of yours, who’s always been your close friend and whose judgment your parents trust. Introduce your “him”/ “her” to them and then request them to bring the matter up with your parents.

Decision

Never, never, NEVER start the discussion of your relationship with your parents if you have even 0.01% of doubts yourself. If you go to discuss your possible intercaste marriage with your parents and come back convinced of its futility, the next day you’ll meet your boyfriend/girlfriend and regret your reaction. And then this cycle will continue until you lose confidence completely in your own ability to take decisions. It’s crucial for you, your parents and your significant other that you have absolute clarity about what you want.

Tried all the above methods but your parents just won’t budge? Try Help! My Parents are not Agreeing to My Marriage!

Suspicion

An ultra-popular television mini-series based on real-life incidences of crime has been going on for some time now. Creepy, isn’t it? But for some mysterious reason we humans find creepy, obnoxious and vulgarly violent entertaining…Okay, rambling filter now on.
So like I was saying, there’s this mini-series going on and one of the episodes was based on a guy subjecting his wife to mental abuse for years and then killing her. (Cummon, don’t tell me that’s shocking. Killing one’s wife is our bread and butter here in India. We even have special names for it like ‘dowry death’ etc.)
Coming back to the point (again), this crime stemmed purely out of the man’s suspicions (yes, completely unfounded) about his wife. Well eventually he turned out to be suffering from acute clinical paranoia and is now fortunately rotting in prison (unlike most of the members of the Fraternity. The Wife-killing one.)
That’s the power of Suspicion.

Photo by Allysa L. Miller

But is suspicion bad?

Not completely. What would you do if you had zero suspicions about your partner? If you were completely sure that they are just head-over-heels in love with you and wouldn’t think of so much as looking at another man/girl? You’d mistreat them. You wouldn’t give them the importance they deserve. Well at least I didn’t. No wonder that relationship ended. After years of mistreatment for the guy. Tragic, I know.

The Suspicion-holic

But the other extreme, that is suspicion for the sake of suspicion (Suspicion-holism. Yeah, the thing of the mad murderer) is what brings disaster to relationships. A phone call from another man/girl, a lunch with a long-time friend of the opposite gender, a half an hour delay in their coming back home…and you’re pulling off your hair. Bad strategy. Bad bad strategy for a healthy and fulfilling relationship (maybe also for a life outside a hospital for the mentally screwed up).

Gotcha. For life.

Now what if you actually catch your partner cheating? Well that’s the difficult part. We’ll handle it sometime. But let’s say you’ve found out that your partner is cheating and the two of you are through with all the throwing things, calling names, tears and scratches and all of that. Now what? Well of course if you break up there’s no What Now. But if, like most people, one of you decides to ‘pardon’ the other because ‘okay it has happened just once’, then you need to decide the terms of your relationship now.

Photo by jeffreyw

Unfortunately we tend to slip into the ‘Gotcha Syndrome’- treating this incidence of infidelity as a trump card against your partner. Rubbing it in every time you have a quarrel.
“Ah yes, maybe I’ve made a mistake. But at least I’m not the one sleeping around.”
“Look who’s talking!”
“I think not sharing the housework is slightly better than cheating.”
That’s not how relationships work. The choice is: breaking up or staying together. If you’ve decided, together, to not break up, then you have to be a couple in terms of being a couple, not in terms of Now-I-have-a-lifelong-upper hand.
Did you have to deal with suspicion ever in your relationships? Let me know what you learnt which you wish you had known earlier.