“Does He Love Me???” How to Stop “Needing” the Wrong Guy

Note to all the sweet guys out there: Today’s post is a pure girly chat. It’s about how we think. It’s about our fears, weaknesses and wrong notions which sometimes make us wonder, “Does he love me?” (In other words, make us pick the wrong ones among you. Sometimes.)

So for those of you who’re looking for some show-me-the-money hands on relationship advice for yourself, you can skip this one and go straight to How to propose your girl, How to impress your girlfriend, What gifts to buy your girlfriend on her birthday and if you’re married – All the anniversary ideas you’ll ever need in your life.

For the rest of us, on with it…

Scene 1:

You: He’s not picking my calls. He didn’t even call me on Valentine’s day. Does he love me at all???

That’s it. I’ve had it. I’m going to break up with him. I’m not going to call him or return his calls anymore. And I’m not going to meet him. Ever. 

Photo by uıɐɾ ʞ ʇɐɯɐs

Scene 2:

He calls you.

You let it ring. 

He messages you.

You don’t want to do anything over the top. So instead of remaining silent you send in a matter-of-fact reply.

He calls again.

You let the phone ring and leave your room ’cause it’s a little difficult for you not to pick up the phone when he is calling you again and again. But your heart starts nudging you, “Does he really love me? If not, why is he wasting so much of efforts to contact me?”
He calls again the next day. 

And again your stupid heart goes, “May be he does love me. May be I’m being too harsh on him.”

In the meantime he calls again.

Too much for you.

He: Hi honey…so sorry I couldn’t call you for the last one week…I was a little busy you see…actually I was out of station…oh didn’t I tell you? So sorry darling…What do you mean I wasn’t replying to your messages? I never received any! To hell with these network operators…Oh you called me? Really? About twenty times? My God! I had no idea…May be I was in the restroom when you called…Yes you’re right…I should’ve seen the missed calls…but I somehow didn’t notice…believe me darling…What?? You even started asking yourself, “Does he love me at all??” … Oh come on! What do you mean I don’t really love you? Is that possible? Ever?…And no. I wasn’t trying to avoid you or anything…how can I? I so enjoy sleeping with you….I mean being with you…I really love you honey…you’re my everything…You can’t imagine how eager I was to meet you and talk to you…it’s just that this stupid deadline…anyway… why don’t we meet up tonight? Oh come on…you’re not telling me that you’re too busy to meet me. I know you love me. I know you can’t hurt me like that, can you? You’re the sweetest person I’ve ever met…why play these little games? You know we’re made for each other and are going to be together forever…Silent? I take it as a yes. 8’o’ clock then?…

So you meet up. And you spend the night with him.

Then you call him next day just to tell him how happy you are just to be with him. 

But of course you can’t reach him at the time. So you call again later. And again. And again. Then you say to yourself, “ That’s it. I’ve had it. I’m going to break up with him. I’m not going to call him or return his calls anymore.…”

You keep going through the same cycle of events again and again. A million times. Every cycle ends with you eventually giving in.

You can’t say ‘no’ to him.

Even though you know he didn’t return your calls because he wasn’t feeling like wasting time on you at the time. Even though you know he didn’t call you for one full week because he was busy flirting with other (newer) girls at the time. Even though deep down you know you’re less important to him than his dog, you ask yourself (again), “Does he love me?” and then con yourself into answering that as a “Yes”.

’Cause you love him.

Or so you think.
Well, let me give you the good news first – you don’t.

But as a matter of duty I have to give you the bad news also – you need him.

Aren’t they the same thing?

Well not really. True love doesn’t mean being completely dependent on someone emotionally. Since you are, it can mean one or more of the following things:

You feel lonely.

You don’t have any real friends.

You live away from the people close to you and feel lost.

Everyone’s got a boyfriend and so you need one.

(If you’re Indian) You’ve been in physical relation with him, so you’re afraid to call it quits.

…

Rings a bell? It should. ‘Cause it’s you I’m talking about.
Things only have the meaning that we give them. If you think you’re not strong because you’re alone (or ‘because of’ any other reason), you’ll remain weak. If you think your inner strength is not a function of your external realities, you’ll remain strong.

Photo by susan_mck

Things also assume the importance you give them. If you think you’re weak and you need a guy in your life to feel strong, you’ll remain weak and keep on being used by the wrong people. Again if you think your strength is not a function of having someone in your life, you’ll be amazed to find yourself feeling strong all the time. I’m not lying. You can check it out for yourself if you can really make your internal state independent of the (unimportant) people in your life. 

Change your internal dialogue from, “I’m strong because I have him in my life” to “I’m strong because I’m me.” If you’re really courageous you might even say, “I’m strong and calm because I’ve decided to be strong and calm.” Only when you’ve cultivated the inner strength and calm, you’ll stop needing the “someone-something-whatever” people in your life. Only then you’ll be ready for real love.  

Try that for the next one week and check out the results for yourself. Believe me, once you’ve found strength and calm inside yourself you won’t let go of it ever!