Love in India – Page 10 – Let's talk relationships

Control Your Anger Like I Did, Before It Destroys Your Relationship – Part 1

It was Aug. 2006.

My (now ex) boyfriend and I was in a movie hall, watching SRK’s latest release (or was it Hritik’s?). Some loutish guys among the audience made a few rude remarks about me.

I hit the roof. He followed me anxiously as I stormed out of the theatre.

As soon as we were out I hit him.

Twenty hard slaps on the cheek.

The idle loiterers of the area had a field day I guess.

No wonder we’re not together anymore.

Photo by Fadil Basymeleh

Having spent four delirious years as a victim of raving anger handicap before starting to cure myself, I can tell you – anger is good. Yes you read that right. It’s an essential tool in the survival instinct kit which Mother Nature packed with us while sending us off to ~~school~~ life. What’s sick though, is what I was – under absolute control of my anger, like addicts are controlled by drugs. You’ve probably guessed that it wasn’t adding any particular positive value to my life, especially my relationships.

If inability to control your anger is ruining your relationships, I know how you feel. You don’t feel any of the strength and menace they see in you.

You feel helpless.

When you’re not being controlled by anger you feel shocked and broken to see the disaster around you, the scars in the hearts (may be bodies) of the people you love more than yourself. The irony is, that you doesn’t know this you. Not having much control over your anger makes you feel like a hapless victim, not a dangerous perpetrator.

But relax. There are solutions. Here’s a 12 step anger management strategy which I put together and used to bring my anger issues largely under control. To make it easier, I’ve broken it down in the following four stages:

A) Preparing the ground:Ways to mentally prepare yourself to be able to control your anger.

B) On the ground:How to control your actions when your anger starts rising.

C) Aftermath:How to come back to normal after an outburst.

D) Looking into the future:Long term strategies to get to a mental state which helps you gain better control over anger.

It’s going to be long, so I’ll talk about the first two stages of anger management today, and pick up the other two in the next post. While I’m focusing mostly on people with clinical or near-clinical anger control issues, you can use these methods any time you struggle to control your anger.

A) Preparing the ground: Your inability to control your anger is in your mind. You need to see it the right way before you even aim for tackling it.

1. Know your problem: Have you done an assessment of your own anger to determine if it’s different from normal?

The red flag of anger sickness (as compared to normal anger which all of us experience from time to time) is that out of control and helpless feeling you get in the depths of your mind when you’re angry. If you do things when you’re angry which you wouldn’t believe you could do when you’re in your senses – chances are you have a serious issue with anger control here. Other related symptoms of anger problem include trembling limbs, increased heartbeat, sweating – you know them all.

2. Take a decision to solve it: If you’re like me and you’re reading this, you’re probably struggling with this crucial step. You feel (as did I) that your anger is justified, and your “victims” should “pay for their sins”. Changing this mindset is usually a challenge because guess what – you’re often right. We all know that fairness is like fairy tales – it’s not real (well, mostly), and barring your near ones, the people who are bearing the brunt of your raving mania probably deserve (at least some of) it. But as you know, lashing it out on them is going to bring more harm to you that it’s going to bring to them (Remember what happened the last time you went mad with a colleague when they conveniently took credit for your hard work?). What I used to do is always remind myself of the fact that I’m not the only one receiving a bad deal in this world – I’m one of the 7 billion. Each and every human being on this planet has been through the glorious and the excruciating, the perfect and the unacceptable. This realization always helped me control my anger and calm myself down in the rave moments.

3. Ask for help: Once you’ve acknowledged your anger management issues and have taken the bold decision to tackle them, explain it to your partner, your family, your friends – all your near and dear ones who are affected by it. You know you’ll be a different person in “those moments” and they wouldn’t know how to help you control your anger. So explain to them beforehand what help you need from them.

In my case what used to work like fuel to the fire was any sign of confrontation or talking back from the other person (egomaniacal I know). I begged for help from my closest people, explaining to them how my success in controlling my anger depended totally on them and how if they could overcome their own natural tendency of talking back when I was having one of my rages, it could go a long way in helping me. I requested them to say something loving and soothing instead, and that worked wonders for all of us.

B) On the ground: The above steps will help you prepare yourself to avoid crazy scenarios as much as possible. But what to do when they do occur?

Photo by BDlighted

4. Turn your mind away: The slightest signs of that seething feeling building inside you and look for the nearest way out of the situation. The best thing is to leave the scene as soon as you can. If that’s not possible (think your boss giving you a piece of his mind) just turn yourself off mentally. Move your focus to something different. Here are some suggestions:

a) Good ol’ deep-breathing: I know you think (like I did) that something so simple and easy can’t work when it comes to controlling your anger, but guess what – it does. It’s as simple as taking 10 seconds to inhale, holding your breath for 5 seconds and then exhaling for 10 more seconds. You can repeat it as many times as it takes to calm your mind and nerves (and trust me, it will).

b) Think of something funny or sweet. Feel free to start with nursery rhymes.:P

c) Name-calling: No, not out loud. Call them a funny name in your mind and visualize them transforming into that physical object (How about a big fat 'dirtbag' shouting at you?). Amusement is like magic when it comes to controlling anger.

Another good ol’ technique – counting from 1 to 10 – has never worked for me, unless I was deep-breathing while counting.

That’s all for today. In the next part of this series we’ll look at what you can do to calm yourself after a total-anger-control-failure incidence, and the long term habits you can develop to keep anger control issues at bay permanently.

Update: Here’s the second part – Control Your Anger Like I Did, Before It Destroys Your Relationship – Part 2.

“When Should I Get Married?” 10 Questions I Wish I Had Asked Myself Before Getting Married – Part 2

Hello penguins! In the last post I talked about 5 of the top 10 questions you must ask yourself (and your boyfriend/girlfriend) to determine whether you’re ready to get married. Here are the last 5.

1. Do we know each other’s negative sides and have strategies to deal with them?

Do you know what your boyfriend is like when he’s really (I mean really really) angry?

You can’t live without your dogs. Do you know if she can live with them?

Are you too ambitious for him/her?

Before you decide when to get married, make sure you know about (most of) those aspects of your partner which you don’t like. For this, you need to know each other closely enough. Don’t decide to get married in a rush (like I did, and had to put in a lot for effort later, before we came close to finding solutions).

Photo by midgetmanofsteel

The second step after figuring each other out is learning to deal with each other. When you should get married will depend largely on what kind of time you take to develop strategies to handle each other’s negative sides.

For example, decide whether you’re ready to live pet-less for the rest of your life for the sake of your pet-o-phobic partner. Make your peace with your partner’s may-not-be-so-awesome career before you’ve decided to get married. Taking the plunge carrying qualms and disappointments in your mind is a near-perfect formula for marital disaster.

2. Do we respect and admire each other as individuals?

Are you in love? Great. But it also means you have a fancy pair of glasses on your eyes (I know I had). Glasses which make him/her seem like The Best Thing on Earth, The Thing to die for, The Thing to live for.

Of course I’m joking. Of course you’re not going to think about marriage in that stage of your relationship. The stage when everything looks pink. Unfortunately I did, and I really hope and wish (and warn) that you don’t.

You love each other and care for each other. But also ask yourselves whether you value each other as individuals, for the qualities that you have (and beauty or physical attractiveness is not one of them, because its magic wears off). If you’ve never bothered about those, start now. You don’t want to know what happens when you marry someone thinking they’re gold and your shared life proves them to be only glittery, and not gold.

3. Have we become part of each other’s family?

I cannot emphasize the importance of this one enough, especially in an Indian context. Knowing each other’s families and becoming integrated is important not only because you’re expected to spend time with them after marriage, but much more importantly, because you can’t know a person fully unless you know their family. When you’ve spent time with your partner in their home, with their family – you get to know them in their most comfortable context. It’s here that you get to see their truest self.

This is important especially if you and your partner have met each other at a later stage in life (say, after college). Never make the mistake of taking your relationship too far (close to marriage, that is) without knowing your partner’s family well enough. People grow out of their homes and can develop an exterior which doesn’t show their true self, their core values and beliefs. When you spend enough time with their family, get to know about their childhood, their relationship with their parents and closest friends – you get to look past that veneer.

Photo by rikhei

Secondly of course there’s the question of developing a relationship with each other’s families. This involves knowing their positives, negatives, expectations from you etc. You might like them, you might not. But in any case you need to have your strategy of dealing with them in the best possible way. This strategy is best developed over time, in a no-pressure situation. In other words, before marriage (unlike me ;)).

4. Can I see him/her as a parent of my children?

The import of this one of course needs no re-emphasis. Does it fill your heart with happiness to think of having children with him/her one day? Is he/she the kind of person you’d want to share your genes with, in the form of your legacy in this world?

On this count, the question of his/her family comes into play once again. You might love each other and want to live with each other. But before deciding when to get married, be conscious of the fact that your children are as much a product of your family, as hers/his. Are you happy to think of your child as a dot on the line of his/her family?

If not, think again. And very carefully.

5. Is he/she The One?

I’m an idealist when it comes to love. I believe in all the good old concepts like there being a special someone waiting for each of us, and a couple being two parts of a whole which fit perfectly into each other, and each other only. While everything I’ve mentioned so far is crucial to deciding when to get married, nothing replaces that special connection you feel with him/her which you’ve never felt before. Only this morning I was thinking of how meeting your Special One is like resonance in physics – you’ll never get to see the how much your heart can fly unless you’ve hit the resonant frequency, of which there’s only one in this world. In fact I posted about it (along with a lot of other fun, romantic and quirky quotes) in our Facebook Page.

If this box is not ticked, deal’s sure off. No questions asked.

And after many shameful confessions of not asking (most of) the right questions before marriage, I’m bloated with pride to inform you that this one is something I managed to tick the first thing after I met him. :D

6. Is there a #6?

Well there wouldn’t be, but as our most enthusiastic friend and follower Connie Omari has pointed out in the comments to the last post, a shared spiritual (NOT religious) belief is crucial too. You’re an atheist, your partner goes to the temple every Thursday, you’re fighting about it every day and you’re still hoping it’ll all be ok after marriage – unlikely to work.

What are the questions you’re planning to go over before your marriage?

What did you ask and what did you forget to ask before your marriage?

I can’t wait to hear it all out in the comments.

Have a great day!

“When Should I Get Married?” 10 Questions I Wish I Had Asked Myself Before Getting Married – Part 1

Do you know that less than 1 lac Indians are Googling about when they should get married as compared to 33.5 lac Googling “marriage” per month? That’s less than 3% marriage maturity. Dumb, I say. But not much more than I was of course, when I took the plunge without bothering about whether I was really ready to get married.

How we came to make it work eventually is another story for another day.;)

Today I want to share with you my “hindsight” (they’re always priceless, you know) on the questions you should ask yourself to gauge whether you’re ready to get married. Now of course the number of questions you should ask yourselves before getting married is not ten, it’s more in the range of three and a half thousand. But I’ve tried to sum all that up in these ten questions in today’s (and the next) post. There are gazillions of other questions you can and should ask each other before proceeding to say “I do”, but these ten are ones you absolutely cannot afford to miss.

Photo by Marriage Bureau

1. Am I ready to settle down?

Marriage always involves sacrificing freedom, in some form or the other.

It involves giving up (some of) those late nights.

It might mean spending less time with your parents or friends.

It means cutting back on Facebooking at 2 am.

It means being unable to blog 24X7 (in my case :P).

Depending on where these activities figure on your priority list, gauge carefully whether you’re ready for married life.

2. Are our visions of The Ideal Life similar?

You’re in love with the idea of a fast-paced life full of fine dining, dancing and partying in a metro, whereas your girlfriend/boyfriend can’t give up on their Neo-Luddite dreams of going back to the slow and peaceful lifestyle of their small hometown/village where everyone knew everyone else by first name.

Fun starts with shopping and ends with Son of Sardar for your partner, and you’ll have to replace those items with Fellini and Karnatik classical music when you think about yourself.

If your and your partner’s lifestyle choices and aspirations are as apart as the poles, while you can still be in love, you’re probably not ready to get married (yet). What we like (and can live with) within the limited window of a relationship, can become a dealbreaker when it comes to spending your life with someone.

Think about it.

3. Are our life and career goals aligned?

If you really want children but your girlfriend/boyfriend really doesn’t want any, it’s unlikely that you’ll be happy in a life shared with each other. Same if you want your career to span five continents and your partner wants geographical stability.

Take time to discuss your life and career goals before you decide to get married to avoid serious crises later. ;)

Photo by somaksarkar

4. Do we know each other’s needs and have strategies to satisfy them?

I have a bit of need for dependency (embarrassing I know).

Our whirlwind courtship was woefully inadequate to give him any wind of this. We spent our first six months miscommunicating, creating wrong expectations, breaking them and each other’s bones – well almost – in the process, till he finally got it. And the funny thing is I had no idea that he had no idea about it. We tend to assume our partners will magically understand everything about us, you see.

What are your emotional and other needs from each other?

Are both of you ready to put in the efforts to provide these?

Unless you’ve answered the above two questions to the satisfaction of both of you, you’re probably not ready to get married.

5. Do we know everything (relevant) about each other?

Even in the midst of my raving mania of falling head-over-heels in love (when I met Shubho) I had the good sense to anticipate this one – if you get married on the basis of false impressions, you’re in for trouble. You wouldn’t believe this – within days of our first date I’d told him the darkest and deepest of my secrets. And he did the same.

Yes, some of them were shocking to him.

Maybe some of them made him think twice.

But I don’t think we’d have been able to give stability to our commitment if we hadn’t been able to cultivate each other’s deepest trust. And needless to say, deciding to share your life with someone without creating complete trust between yourselves is ~~wildly and disastrously~~ a bit stupid.

What are the other questions that bother you when you think about taking your relationship to the next level? Tell me by about them by leaving a comment. In the meantime stay tuned for part 2 of today’s post where I’ll talk about the next 5 of the 10 crucial questions to ask yourselves before tying the knot.

19 Sure-fire Ways to Always Fight with Your Partner and Completely Piss Each Other Off

Remember my friend Amrita who made some one-of-a-kind drunken promises to her husband? Today she’s back with some pearls of wisdom on how she keeps the domestic war going in her family. While she’s talking from a married woman’s point of view, these methods will work like magic for married and unmarried couples alike.

Photo by Dr Winston O Boogie

So here goes…

Remember, it’s always the other person’s fault.
Whenever you’re arguing, always refer back to past fights.
Find ways of somehow blaming things on your partner’s parents. While having a fight disparage them every now and then.
Maintain a secret running list of his/her weak spots. Make careless jibes at them during fights.
If you’re running out of new issues, bring up the eternal and un-solvable ones.
For best effects, do this at a time when you’re both exhausted – like after work/school.
Don’t accept defeat. When you really can’t find any ways of countering the other person’s point repeat it, add a “but”, and add your own (even if entirely irrelevant).
No issue is too small to fight over.
Rigorously monitor their email, messages, Gtalk, Facebook chat, Whatsapp and everything else. This will keep them on their toes.
Try to avoid sex as much as possible. It never makes for a great mood for fighting.
Always interrupt them before they can finish a sentence. This will not only help you avoid listening to them, but also set the mood for a fresh fight.
Use your most normal tone to deliver your most sarcastic lines. This will drive them crazy.
When they come up with their best lines, pretend not to hear (play with your cell phone or something).
Focus on the big picture. Instead of limiting the argument to any issue at hand, link it with your partner’s inherently faulty nature.
Causally mention something provocative at a particularly special and romantic moment. This is known as the “ruin the moment” technique.
Whatever you do, don’t say the words, “I’m sorry.” They have the dangerous power of ending fights abruptly.
Don’t leave the room or take any sort of break during a quarrel. Be at it till you have made your point.
If your partner does something spineless like leaving the room, chase them around everywhere – including the bathroom – to prove that they’re wrong.
If you want to get creative, call up his/her dad at the height of a fight, and say, “This is what he/she is doing! Is this what you’ve taught him/her?” You will never forget your partner’s reaction to this.

Have a great weekend and happy fighting!

How I Coped with Being Dumped and Why That’s NOT Going To Help You

I once got dumped.

There. You have it – my unequivocal confession.

The worst part was that we were just about twenty days into the relationship (if you can call it a relationship) when he decided this wasn’t what he wanted.

What’s even worse is that I was madly in love with him. Well, madly doesn’t even begin to describe it.

It hurt.

And I let it. May be because I was so mad, I couldn’t make any attempts to wish it away by telling myself, “I’m fine” and “He’s not so important”. ’Cause these would be lies.

Photo by Lsea584

So I acknowledged the piercing pain and loss.

I avoided all things him…

…Like plague. Not doing so would’ve been more dangerous to me than plague at the time.

I avoided the restaurants we visited. Even whole parts of the city. Even the music I used to listen to in that period.

And I don’t know if you believe this – even discussions of the industry he worked in.

I sought support

I was devastated. Broken. Over.

Or so I felt.

I had no option to “grieve silently”. I couldn’t bear the avalanche of pain that was crippling me. So I immediately contacted my (real) friends and cried my heart out on their sturdy and trusting shoulders.

Note that I said real friends. I think even letting the fake ones know about it would’ve been disastrous.

I actively formed other connections

No, I’m not talking about a nutty rebound confusion. (My madcap mind had that bit of sense still left in it.)

I dug out old friends in Mumbai. I simply called them up and wanted to meet.

Those of you who know me can imagine how uncharacteristic of me this was. That’s how desperate I was to hold on to something.

And a good thing too, ’cause it helped numb the pain.

I focused on myself.

I was forced to.

I had completely lost myself in those twenty days (yes I’ll definitely tell you all the stories sometime). He had become the sole purpose of my life to the utter exclusion of everything else (I know I’m crazy, but be honest – that’s part of the reason you love me. ;) ).

So when God disappeared I was forced to turn all that focus, energy, attention somewhere. I chose myself.

I rekindled my long forgotten love for reading and music. I sought beauty in whichever place I visited. I tried to give myself freedom – freedom from the past and freedom to embrace the good things of the world.

I gave him a piece of my mind

Woohoo! This is the fun part.

He made the mistake of calling me one day to say sorry. (Yes! I was evil-ly waiting for this!)

As per the advice of one of my (real) friends, I made full use of this opportunity.

I still don’t know whether I was able to make him really feel sorry, but I sure felt relieved.

A lot.

All of the above …

… Helped lessen my pain and helped me inch towards normal.

About 5% of the way.

That experience taught me that if you’re really in love, all the self-help methods of the world are only going to help you so much.

The rest – you have to leave to time. There’s a reason they call her (or him?) the best healer.

So what happened eventually?

Eventually… I got into a rebound relationship. (Yes, I did make that mistake against the good advice of all my friends and family.)

There was just this tiny bit of saving grace – this was with the same guy who had dumped me.

One year later I married him.

:D :D

Now don’t get greedy for getting your hands on my priceless “Proven Ways of Getting Your Ex Back” for free. Let me think up a killer business plan to launch it as a premium course… :P

What Are You Chasing?

I’m ravaged if I don’t Get It.

This life is a quest for Getting. This society will cheer you if you can Get it. And if you can't Get enough-you're a nobody, you're not worth anything. ‘It', for you, might mean wealth, recognition, status or any kind of material success. You MUST Get IT.

Photo by elizabetheastcobber

Superstar from childhood?…

Our children imbibe this from early childhood. Parents pressurizing them to be the topper of their class, win the football championship, be equally amazing in painting, music, dance and what have you.

I know I must be the best. Otherwise Mom won't love me as much.

And what can be a greater measure of self-worth to a child than parental love? This is not to say that parents stop loving their children if they are not high-acheivers. But the message the child gets is, "I get all those beams and hugs and kisses and little treats when I top the class, but I get a long face when I don't."

…Or suffering from distorted self-image?

Where are we going? Why are we doing this to our kids and to ourselves? What does it matter if the interviewer thinks I'm not worthy of being in their company/institute? What does it matter if the teacher thinks I don't deserve better grades? I know what I am. Who knows me better-she, or me? Why will my self-worth depend on others' evaluation of me-others who are not even the important ones-my friends, husband/wife/partner, parents, kids?
Let's say I ask myself, "Who am I?" What answer do I get? Do I tell myself, "Who am I? I'm the guy who's responsible for a 40% increase in my company's revenue!" Or do I say, "I'm a fun-loving/friendly/happy-go-lucky person, married to/in a relationship with Rahul/Neha-the most wonderful man/woman in the world. I'm also blessed to have Amrita and Amar-the sweetest kids in the world!"???

What happens when you fail?

Now let's say I didn't get that job/promotion/admission to that hallowed school.

I failed a test. I didn't meet my targets. What happens? Well, hell happens. That's what lies at the core of my life, doesn't it? Meeting my targets/getting the best grades/ being promoted. So of course I'm devastated.

And oh, I forgot to add – in the world inside my head, there's no second chance. Like everyone else, I somehow believe if I fail to meet those targets today, there's no tomorrow. If I don't pass that exam at the first attempt I'll be barred from taking it ever again in my life. And everyone knows that people never get promoted if they fail to get promoted once. So considering all that, I'm contemplating suicide.

When success comes at a hefty price…

Now let's imagine another scenario-I keep neglecting Neha cause I'm too busy making sure the first scenario doesn't come true-meeting deadlines, networking with key people after office hours, studying so hard for the interview that I have no time even to talk to Neha. She is a human being too. She feels hurt. Then she tries her best to draw my attention to our waning relationship. Naturally I ignore her. She feels more hurt than I can imagine. And then one day she doesn't feel so hurt. And then comes a time when she barely notices my negligence. That's when she starts seeing other guys. And then we part.

The End.

The most important part -yes, the most important part of me has been slow-poisoned to death.

What will I do then? Will I be ecstatic that I still have the gold rolling in and my targets in place?

Have you ditched life for success?

"Oh, well, the elixir of my life, the only reason I was born, the happiest little secret of my life is gone but that's a teensy-weensy price I paid when you consider what I got in return-a promotion and an insane bonus a result of all those hours I kept working neglecting her!"

Photo by Honey Pie

Is that what I'd say? I actually won't. No, not even if I'm the most selfish, achievement-maniac and greedy person in the world.

I'd feel like I'm choking to death. I'll feel the ground giving way under my feet.

Is there a second chance now? Will I ever get her back? Ok. Let me try.

"Neha, I can't tell you how much I love you. I can't tell you how sorry I am. I know what has happened is entirely my fault. I promise you I'll always be yours from now on. I'm dying. Don't do this to me. Please come home."

"Thanks for all that, Rahul, but I'm with Sumit now. We're getting married next month."

"Oh. Right. Congratulations."

Looks like I made a mistake. There's no second chance after all. Not in this case.

Now all I want is to live my life once more. To correct those mistakes. To do the things I should have done. To spend my time where I should have spent it.

Will I get another chance?

Our Romantic Holiday in Tapola, Panchgani & Wai near Mahabaleshwar, Maharashtra

Sometime back I wrote about taking a break from the same old to rejuvenate your relationship.

As some of you know Shubho and I headed out on a weekend trip to Village Tapola on the foothills of the exquisite Sahyadris this Saturday. It was a uniquely enriching experience, which I can’t resist sharing today. While this post is not going to be a “5 steps of…” direct application manual for anything, may be you’ll find a life lesson or two in our experience of connecting and rejuvenating in the midst of Nature.

Or may be not.

In any case, you’ll love the pics. ;)

So on with it…

Starting out for Lake Shivsagar, Tapola, Mahabaleshwar

Our attempts of spotting off-the-beaten-track getaway sites around Mumbai had yielded us the tiny village of Tapola, Mahabaleshwar this time.

You wouldn’t believe, we actually managed to wake up at 4 am on Saturday morning! And by 5:30 we were already on the road.

I still don’t believe I did it.

Tapola, Panchgani, Mahabaleshwar, Sahyadri

The winding trail through the Western Ghats is an experience in itself. In most parts you’d hardly find any other soul around, and looking up at the Ghat heights from the road makes you feel humbled by Nature’s sheer dimensions and magnificence. I just felt grateful to have the opportunity to be in such surroundings…

However in a long drive there are always stretches which are boring and monotonous, with nothing interesting around to gawk at.

Note to couples #1: You have to be really careful not to fight somewhere among these! I was not. Unfortunately he paid the price.:(

The boring details…

We reached Panchgani, a hill station surrounded by five peaks, about 20 km from Mahabaleshwar around noon.

Gotta admit – I didn’t really expect to find suitable room with this view …

Note to couples #2: Choose your room carefully on a romantic getaway. To us, the most important aspect of such trips is rejuvenating our souls and reconnecting with each other. That said, to me, the view from the room is of supreme importance – much more than whether the room has an AC and what the bath shower looks like. A great view from the room makes me feel right in the lap of Nature – I can spend hours sitting in front of the window.

Lake Shivsagar in Tapola, an idyllic boat ride…

Lunch was the first thing on our minds after a 6 hour drive.

Note to couples #3: I know you’re ravenous when you’re waiting for food at a restaurant. But don’t get your restlessness get in the way of conversation (Shubho has a long way to go here). Take the wait as an opportunity to relax – because you’re forced to be idle at this time. You won’t believe how many things we’ve discovered about each other in pointless conversations during this time. On this particular occasion, the restaurant being an open air roadside shack with mountains all around helped, of course.

After lunch we drove down to the village of Tapola, a 1.5 – 2 hour drive from Panchgani. Lake Shivsagar in Tapola is the reservoir of the Koyna dam – one of the largest freshwater lakes in the Sahyadris. The sparkling blue lake surrounded by towering Sahyadri mounts all around makes for a gorgeous view to tourists – especially because the driveway takes you right up to the banks of the lake. You have to suddenly brake when you discover that the road has ended and there’s nothing but a magnificent blue vastness ahead.

OK I know you don’t want any more of my boring words now…

The best part is you get individualized boat rides here – just for your travel group, instead of combined tours. An experience you wouldn’t want to miss…

Please congratulate Shubho on getting the two of us back to Panchgani from Tapola – it was his first drive in the mountains at night. :D

Sydney point, Panchgani

We’d set out with only Tapola in mind (yes we’re crazy enough to drive for 12 hours over one and half days to visit a single lake). But we had some time on Sunday morning before we headed back, so we decided to do a bit of sight-seeing around Panchgani.

Sydney Point is one of the most well-known Points in Panchgani, offering a panoramic view of Krishna valley, Koyna river, Dhom Dam & the valley of Wai.

The sudden explosion of blues, browns and greens in front of your eyes as you reach the peak of the Sydney hillock is a dizzying experience.

Silence, Solitude and Beauty around Dhom Dam, Wai

Looking at the picturesque Wai valley and Dhom Dam from the Sydney Point, I felt I couldn’t leave the Ghats without touching all the pure intense blueness below. So off we drove to Wai, about 10 Km away.

What followed was an immersive experience of silence, utter solitude and serenity on the banks of the remnants of the Koyna around the Dhom Dam.

With our hearts overwhelmed with the beauty and tranquillity all around, we headed back home, with the promise of coming back again and again.

11 Proven Ways to Keep Your Relationship as Fresh, New and Exciting as Your First Date

If you’re in a steady relationship for a long time, chances are you’ve faced those inevitable periods of ennui and tedium that we all have – when there seems to be nothing new, nothing exciting and nothing fresh in the relationship anymore, when you both feel you know each other too well to discover anything new and exciting about each other, when the relationship feels more like a habit than a connection of the souls of two people in love.

If you’re looking for a way out of this relationship rut, here are 11 proven strategies to work your way out and make your relationship as new as your first date.

How to keep your relationship fresh, new & exciting

Photo by Epsosde

#1. Surprises Introduce Excitement in Relationships

A few days back when I returned from a vacation with my parents, my husband took me completely aback by meeting me at the airport (taking half a day off from work, poor thing). Going out of your way to make them feel special usually goes a long way in rekindling the feelings of excitement in the relationship.

#2. Romantic Texts and Ecards Make Your Relationship Feel New

Remember those first three months when you used to send “I’m sorry” and “I miss you” ecards to him/her every three and half days? And the sugary “I love you”s and “You’re looking cute today”s beeping on your cell phone every 10 minutes? Bring them back – nothing’s stopping you. Sending romantic ecards randomly every once in a while (NOT on special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries – that totally kills it!) is a juvenile expression of excitement – and your relationship needs just that. So get busy on your first one for free, and start exchanging silly texts while you’re at it.

#3. Go Out on Dates for A Feeling of Freshness in Your Relationship

Remember the excitement and anticipation you used to feel while waiting for him/her on your first few dates? I bet you miss that feeling. Why not fix up a date sometime in a restaurant/park? The feeling of anticipation while waiting for seeing them will be worth it. Remember, during the date don’t talk about work and your usual everyday things – be a bit romantic, imaginative and fun. It’ll be a date which will last much beyond this evening and will spread warmth and freshness in the relationship.

Photo by R.Elli

#4. A Quick Word of Praise Makes Him/Her Feel New in the Relationship

Whenever you find sparks of those special qualities which initially drew you to them – praise them. This doesn’t mean thanking them for something they’ve done (like helping you with shopping, doing the chores around the house etc.). It means a genuine praise for qualities that they possess – beauty, intelligence, a caring heart – anything that makes them unique, and that you like about them. Appreciating them for these qualities shows that you still admire them and find them special. This goes a long way in keeping the spark alive.

#5. Doing Something Together Makes Your Relationship Exciting

Have you taken up a new hobby together? Do you have a little joint project which belongs only to the two of you and no one else? If not, take it up now! Creating something new together gives you something common to care for, thereby strengthening the bond between the two of you and working the excitement back into your relationship. Starting work on this website and blog together has brought me and Shubho closer than we’d imagined. It has helped us take our relationship to the next level.

#6. Conversations Keep Your Relationship Fresh

Sweet nothings are great for the first month of your relationship. After that you need to find common topics to talk about, though. Job, school or everyday life become hackneyed after a while. Engaging each other in a meaningful conversation about topics of common interest enriches both of you, and enlivens your relationship. My husband and I debate (and fight ferociously) about everything under the Sun all the time – from politics to movies to blogging!

#7. Getaways Spice up Your Relationship with Excitement

Outings – even small picnics – help break the monotony of everyday life and brings that breath of freshness and excitement back into the relationship. A physical change of your everyday settings provide an opportunity for connecting afresh. Especially if you’re leading a suffocating high pressure city life, you’ll find a weekend picnic to the countryside gives a fresh lease of life – to you as well as your connection with your partner.

#8. Having a Social Life Keeps Your Relationship Fresh by Breaking Monotony

Don’t spend all your time only with each other. After a certain stage in a relationship it’s easy to feel claustrophobic if you have practically no one in your lives except each other. Actively form a circle of common friends and have frequent get-togethers. This will help take sameness out and kick freshness into your relationship.

#9. Spending Some Time Apart Makes Your Relationship Feel New

Are you feeling bored in each other’s presence? It may be time to take a vacation – only not together. Take a trip with your buddies/girlfriends or visit your parents/relatives. Spend a few days away from each other. You’ll be surprised to find how much you miss the person you thought you were getting bored of. Giving yourselves an opportunity to miss each other works wonders in re-nourishing your relationship.

#10. Change Hangouts Frequently to Retain Freshness in Your Relationship

Don’t go to the same restaurants/hangouts always. It increases the sense of sameness and drudgery. Shubho and I tend to make this mistake ’cause we’re kinda running out of new hangouts that we like (so at the moment we’re concentrating on #7 instead).

#11. Find Innovative Ways of Connecting & Freshening up Your Relationship

Finally, nothing is final. The ways I’ve outlined above are only to get you started with new ideas for freshening up your relationship. Invent your own ways of reconnecting and try them out. Don’t forget to share them with me in the comments, though.

Mathematical Love Letter

Happy New Year everyone. I’m sure you enjoyed your New Year Eve’s parties.

In case you’re experiencing first-day-at-work-after-holidays blues, here’s a piquant mix of romance and laughter to fix you up.

Love in India reader and enthusiast Benny recently suggested that I create a romantic proposal using mathematical analogies. I loved the idea instantly. Here’s my attempt in response to Benny’s query.

My Dear Love,

The moment your eyes and mine fell in the same straight line, the tangent from your eyes became a perpendicular bisector of my heart.

Fully in line with Newton’s law of gravitational force, the force of attraction you’ve ever since applied on my heart is proportional to the product of your beauty and your intelligence. Surprisingly, the proportionality is not determined by a constant K (as told my Newton), but by a chaotic function f, the nature of which I’m yet to determine. I suspect it’s “you”.

Also unlike gravity, the force (as measured by the stress and strains my heart experiences) is proportional to the square of the distance between us, instead of being inversely proportional to it!

This is a phenomenon which deeply surprises me.

To summarize,

Newton’s Law of gravitation,

$mathematical love letter$ Photo: Wikipedia

Force experienced by my heart = f X your beauty X your intelligence X r²

r = Distance between you and me

As you’d notice, the proportionality here is not determined by a constant K (as told by Newton) but miraculously, by a chaotic function f, the nature of which I’m yet to determine. I’m calling it “you”.

As a natural result of this force, my heart’s gravitational acceleration should have been –

My heart’s acceleration =( f X your beauty X your intelligence X r²)/mass of my heart

You’d be surprised to know that ever since this force started working on my heart, the mass of my heart has started tending to zero! (The Brownian motions experienced by it leads me to this postulate, as only particles whose mass can be compared to the fluidic medium they’re in – which I assume is gaseous in the case of my heart – can experience it).

As I’m sure you’ve concluded, the acceleration would be tending to infinity!

However, the repelling magnetic field of your silence is applying an opposite force on my heart, thereby creating severe stress.

Believe me, my poor heart is made of brittle material, which is “characterized by the fact that rupture occurs without any noticeable prior change in the rate of elongation”*.

The only solution, as you can clearly see from the above equations, is to switch off your magnetic field by accepting my love, and to reduce the distance between you and me (r) to a fraction, such that my heart can gain some respite from the maddening force and can save itself from a sudden rupture.

Yours truly,

A Mathematical Brain Addled by Love

*Source: Wikipedia

20 New Year Promises You Should Never Make Your Husband

Hey penguins!

This is my last post of the year.

While waving goodbye to 2012, I’m reminded of the legendary New Year Resolutions my friend Amrita made towards the end of one of the last few years. She took something in some New Year’s Eve party (I’ve naturally forgotten to ask what) which compelled her to write a love-spiked letter to her husband with twenty resolutions for the New Year.

Photo by Ilse

I think you’ve guessed that those twenty promises went down as the twenty biggest mistakes of 20xx (whatever that year was).

Keeping Amrita in mind, here’s the last bit of relationship/marriage wisdom of 2012:

Girls (wives), however drunk you get in the New Year’s Eve party, don’t make any of these 20 promises to your husband for the New Year!

I’ll never let you do household chores anymore. Your career is already stressing you.
I’ll buy the grocery myself. I understand you’re exhausted after a day’s work.
I won’t play “Who can find the most faults in her husband” with the girls. You’re the best husband in the world.
I’ll spend more time with your family. I’m grateful they brought you up.
I’ll have my mother visit us less often. I don’t want you to feel bored.
I’ll visit my mother less often. You need me more than she does.
I’ll sell the TV. It’s such a time-waster.
I’ll add up the proceeds with my savings and buy you a Play Station 4. You need to unwind sometimes.
If you’re late, I’ll never again call up all the hotels in town. If you’re cheating, it’s my shortcoming, not yours.
I’ll never try to find out exactly how much you earn. You’re entitled to keep that to yourself.
From now on, I’ll take more interest in real estate and stock markets. I’ve come to realize that these are crucial parts of life one should know about.
I’ll improve my driving skills and help you on our weekend trips. You too are entitled to a nap during the drive.
I won’t bore you with stories of what my best friends bought for their birthdays. I respect your patience.
When it comes to my birthday, I’ll never demand any gifts from you. Love resides in the heart, not in the wallet.
I’ll never throw a tantrum if you forget our anniversary. What’s in a date?
I’ll not nag you for giving up smoking. While it breaks my heart to watch you invite lung cancer, I don’t want to irritate you into a cerebral attack either.
We’ll watch more sci-fi and action movies. I’m bored with romance and family.
We’ll dedicate a weekend per month to watching football. I’ve just realized it’s the next best thing on earth after shopping. Which reminds me…
I’ll never drag you along on my shopping trips. I realize that it doesn’t provide you enough intellectual stimulation. And last but not the least…
By the end of 2013, I’ll quit shopping. What’s in a bit of bling?

With that, I’m off to my year-end vacation.

See you in 2013!